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Original poster

When one earns much more than the other in a relationship

121 replies

keepyk · 08/01/2019 21:53

I earn around four times that of my husband. Not unusual I expect, but it's causing real problems for us. Any chance of us buying a house of our dreams will all be down to me and my career. I don't enjoy my job, it's hard and emotionally exhausting. I've spent years studying whilst working full time. We have three children. I took virtually no time off at all to have them and had no drop in income for that time.

He works full time and he loves his job, it's a lifestyle more than a career. I'm happy for him but also aware he couldn't do what he does without me supporting the family so much.

we 'share' housework Wink. Basically I run the show though, from shopping, meals, holidays etc.

He's feeling defeated and deflated. I'm a huge feminist but cross that so much seems to have fallen on my shoulders. I know we can't have it both ways as women.

Are there any others out there in a similar situation? How do make peace with financial inequality in a relationship?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 08/01/2019 23:07

Oh come the fuck on.
There are no double standards.
Find me a thread in which the man is not only the main earner but is also responsible for the vast majority of childcare, housework, organisation and emotional labour. Wants couple's counselling but the woman has refused.
You'll be looking a VERY LONG TIME.

AnotherEmma · 08/01/2019 23:08

Oops lots of cross posts. I was responding to SillySally. Oh well.

SillySallySingsSongs · 08/01/2019 23:11

AnotherEmma

I guess you missed the bit where I said him not pulling his weight at home would be a huge issue for me, in a rush to swear at and have a pop at me?

IMissGin · 08/01/2019 23:12

Actually this is quite a different situation to mine.

If I were you I’d reconsider the big house and buy something you can comfortably afford on a lower salary on your own. Then you have options.

snoutandab0ut · 08/01/2019 23:14

It is double standards.

AnotherEmma · 08/01/2019 23:15

I am so sick of people saying "if the OP was a man the replies would be different" blah blah blah

The OP would NEVER be a man

No man would ever do everything

The sexist conditioning is too strong. So many women still do all the wifework even if they're the main earner.

MaisyPops · 08/01/2019 23:15

snoutandab0ut
I agree.
It's perfectly sensible for men and women to protect themselves outside of marriage.

That's not to say people should seek to weight the odds to stitch the other up, but it makes perfect sense to want assets separate if both parties have chosen to remain out of a legal contract.

I think the OP moving to a bigger house is probably a bad idea and will only emphasise their issues.

That said, I do wonder if he'd be so quick to continue his current low paid job if he didn't have someone bankrolling a more flash lifestyle

AnotherEmma · 08/01/2019 23:16

But if the OP WAS a man (yeah and I'm the prime minister) then my reply would be the same

AnotherEmma · 08/01/2019 23:16

Minus all the feminist ranting

Megan2018 · 08/01/2019 23:17

I earn more than twice DH, but we split all mortgage and household bills 50/50 so keep our outgoings to a level where this is possible
He does far more at home though as his hours are shorter than mine and with more flex.
I’d prefer it if things were more equal financially as the responsibility is hard on me sometimes and also if our current pregnancy sticks I’ll have to return full time, which is horrid. But it largely works for us.

pissedonatrain · 08/01/2019 23:39

OP I read your other thread and he has the "hobby" farm. Has he always had this or is this something he was able to do because of you.

And also read he does fuck all at home.

I think you are being taken for a mug here. You have a substantial legit business that employs others and he is screwing off with a farm while leaving you to do all the scut work at home and run a business.

No way in hell I would be buying a larger house with him in it.

What does he actually contribute to your relationship?

AhNowTed · 09/01/2019 00:18

@AnotherEmma

Sorry but bullshit.

You have a view that no man would ever do a 50/50 household contribution and I'm sorry but I know plenty of men who do just this.

Calvinsmam · 09/01/2019 00:25

Does he want to move to a bigger house???

Would you be able to afford your new house without his contributions?

He shouldn’t be expected to get a job he doesn’t like so he can keep up with you, but neither should you be forced to have a job you don’t like to support the lifestyle of the family. Can you not live more frugally and get a job you enjoy more?

Howhot · 09/01/2019 00:41

I'm also baffled as to why you're moving to a more expensive house if you hate your job and also don't seem too happy that all the financial responsibility is on you? You have also chose to send 3 children to private school? These are your choices.
In reality you could get a job with less responsibility, move to a cheaper home and have the children attend a local school, yes?

It sounds like you have deeper issues. You want him to be more ambitious and increase his earning? Perhaps he's not driven that way, which is fine but you need to decide what you want from your relationship. If you struggle to talk through your issues together there's another issue there.

poppiesallykatie · 09/01/2019 00:58

Depends what ages you both are also. This thread could also be flipped sex wise and you would get nothing but replies bolstering you. It is what it is just because you earn more, does not mean that his job is worth less. Just say for example, take 2 'protean' careers, you are a surgeon with private rooms and he is an EMT responder. the end result is the same to him when he clocks off. He might feel emasculated, but you seem to be the issue here in 'subsidising his lifestyle'; who in a normal I love you and you love me relationship, even uses those words. I think you have a problem OP and it is all of your own making.

Kennycalmit · 09/01/2019 01:15

I fail to see your issue here. I also agree with the posters who say if this was the other way round the replies would be VERY different.

Not everyone is driven by money. You are. He isn’t. He isn’t in the wrong and neither are you. However if a job pays enough for me to live on comfortable and I enjoy it, give me that job over a higher paying job any day.

Also - why on Earth are you moving to a bigger and more expensive house?! You’re already complaining about his lack of contribution towards the house you’re in at the moment! By moving into the new house you I feel it’ll only divide your relationship even more

However saying that - it doesn’t sound like much of a relationship. You’ve done nothing but complain about him, and you sound full of resentment.

Hont1986 · 09/01/2019 01:16

I think if the genders were flipped people would be calling OP financially abusive, to be honest.

He earns a quarter of what you do but he has to pay the rent and other bills. Meanwhile your huge salary only has to cover groceries, school fees (optional), and saving for a house that will be put in your sole name.

You say you have to do the meals and most school runs, but you also say he works longer hours, so that seems fair. What happened to the MN standard of having equal free time? I didn't realize that if one person earned more then that exempted them from doing any housework. I'll be sure to post that on the SAHM threads and see how well it goes down.

Henrypancake · 09/01/2019 03:33

At present things are pretty even with regards to you both providing the essentials for your family.

You need to draw a circle around these essentials and then you need to look outside the circle at what you choose to spend your discretionary money.

At present your major luxury is private schools for your children. You need to look at this expense as a luxury you and your children are enjoying. A luxury you are paying for by working hard. You need to see it from a new perspective and remove it from the joint family budget. It is something you personally chose and you enjoy treating your dc.

I think at this stage it would be very unfair to move into a new home that he is not able to afford, if you will resent him for it. Maybe buy to let for now and re assess the situation in the future.

It is unfair to demand someone else changes career and as long as they can provide the essentials for their family (and he is) that is all that can be fairly expected.

AgentJohnson · 09/01/2019 04:48

What the hell has being a feminist got to do with any of this? I didn’t realise that if a woman earned more that her male partner that that meant, he should be trying to match it.

The truth is you want the career you have, your beef is that your H isn’t as motivated to earn as much as you. Your lifestyle choices and the financial commitments you’ve made are the reasons you felt you couldn’t step back and take more time after having children.

You are married and as a result your H is a beneficiary of your earning potential if, why wouldn’t he be.

I hate all the ‘if the genders were reversed’ arguments but would posters really be suggesting that a man separate finances because his wife was earning less than he does despite working longer hours than. I doubt it.

I have no idea what your H’s job is but calling it ‘a hobby’ sounds insulting. What makes it a hobby and not just work, is it because it doesn’t pay enough as you’d like, he enjoys it or it isn’t as stressful as yours?

You chose to marry and have children with a man who doesn’t have your drive to further his career and or earn more money. The price for that and wanting the trappings of a particular lifestyle, is what your paying.

You’re no martyr and the solution isn’t him just earning more. If you wanted a partner who was working towards a six figure salary, then you should’ve married one.

dellacucina · 09/01/2019 05:08

Sorry, based on what you've said, it sounds like you're probably being a bit unreasonable and/or you're not that compatible. If you're the one who wants private schooling and who is pushing for a bigger house, then it's not fair to resent him for earning less.

If you're carrying more of the childcare burden this sounds a bit unfair, but if you work equal hours this seems like a separate issue.

It sounds like you may have higher standards than he has in general, which points to a possible basic incompatibility.

All that said, it's a bit difficult to make out exactly what is happening here. The low emotional intelligence and the fact that he apparently doesn't want to commit suggests that he may be a bit of a dick.

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2019 05:38

You're not married so you can easily walk away. He has no emotional intelligence, you said and also isn't interested in contributing more to the housework or childcare. He's really landed on his feet meeting you!

Stop being a mug

@anotheremma is completely right

AJPTaylor · 09/01/2019 05:42

Not many earn enough money on their own to fund private education and a large expensive house
How much does dh actually earn? Are you being fair? I have always earned 30/35k compared to dh 100k. But we are both clear that my take home makes a real difference.

MarshaBradyo · 09/01/2019 05:43

If you’re so stretched for time and you’re feeling the pressure why would you upgrade the house atm?

MarshaBradyo · 09/01/2019 05:45

Actually do you rent atm?

MarshaBradyo · 09/01/2019 05:47

Ok just read your op you do (early)

All those suggesting a clean break it’s not as if the op can walk away and that’s it, they have children. It’s going to impact on their lives too.

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