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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I ask my son if he’s gay?

107 replies

SingleDadStill · 07/01/2019 23:19

Just that really...I’m a single parent, his mum died a long time ago and me and him are really close, always have been. So I don’t want to ruin our great relationship but I want to support him...he’s 15, nearly 16

OP posts:

Travisandthemonkey · 07/01/2019 23:21

Would you ask him if he was heterosexual?
I would just be normal

2019willbegreat · 07/01/2019 23:21

Why do you feel you need to?

Chattycatty · 07/01/2019 23:21

You don’t. If he is he’ll tell you when he’s ready. Who cares if he’s gay.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2019 23:21

I wouldn't ask. If you really are close, he'll come to you when he's ready to discuss his sexuality.

DramaAlpaca · 07/01/2019 23:23

You don't. You wait for him to tell you.

MapMyMum · 07/01/2019 23:23

Dont treat him any differently than you would if he were heterosexual. You sound like a great Dad, wanting to support him and stay close. He will mention something lr come out to you when he has it figured out himself, if it is even the case!

chocolatelover9 · 07/01/2019 23:24

I wouldn't ask him. As you have a close relationship you don't want the risk of ruining that bond you both have!
If he is gay then he will tell you in his own time, when he's ready.

abbsisspartacus · 07/01/2019 23:25

My daughter is a lesbian she was outed by her friend I shrugged it off I kind of had a feeling she was anyway

Look if you feel he is just make sure your open to discussion no references to grandchildren or girls or (I seriously heard this once) if you only hang around with your mates everyone will think your gay and I ain't having a poof in the family (he was fucking clueless)

Original poster

SingleDadStill · 07/01/2019 23:25

Yep, I get what you’re all saying....I genuinely don’t care....but on Saturday night he hinted to me that he was gay, as if he wanted to talk....then (because his older sister and her boyfriend were in the room) he changed the subject....so I want him to how I can ask him what (I believe) he really wants to tell me.

OP posts:

bananacakeorkale · 07/01/2019 23:26

You might make it clear to him, in case it hasn't already come up in conversation, how much you dislike homophobia, for example. Just so he feels reassured its safe.

Lozzerbmc · 07/01/2019 23:27

I agree you sound like a very loving dad but he will tell you when hes ready - the time has to be right for him

HerRoyalNotness · 07/01/2019 23:28

Take him out for a drive and mention you thought he wanted to discuss something the other night. WAS THERE ANYTHing on his mind and reiterate that you are open to any discussion and not there to judge but support

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 07/01/2019 23:28

You don’t

You remain open to talking to him and let him find the right time, if any to let you know. I’d then say his sexuality is such a small part of his personality that it really doesn’t matter to you as long as he is happy and healthy.

DD sat in our lounge and asked if she could text me something (modern day hey!) she text she is in a relationship with xxx aka Sarah.

I told her the above and it’s all been good.

Who cares if the are gay, straight, bi or otherwise.

bananacakeorkale · 07/01/2019 23:28

Maybe you could ask him about the conversation Saturday and you felt like there was something he wanted to maybe say?

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2019 23:29

Spend time just the 2 of you. Give him opportunities to discuss anything, without forcing any particular subject.

SoaringSwallow · 07/01/2019 23:29

Could you refer back to Saturday and say you felt he wanted to tell you something but were disturbed by sis and boyf? You're kind of opening the door there. If he doesn't then be very relaxed about it and tell him you're there anyway if he ever wants to chat. Then change the subject.

But don't ask if he's gay.

Gunpowder · 07/01/2019 23:30

There’s a nice twitter thread with advice for this situation that was trending at the weekend. You need to scroll down as it’s over a few posts.

mobile.twitter.com/jackremmington/status/1080556838955798529

ChakiraChakra · 07/01/2019 23:30

Don't. Just make space for you two to have some quality time together. He'll talk when he is ready.

Littlelambpeep · 07/01/2019 23:31

You sound like a great dad. I would normally say to wait but if he wanted to talk the other night but couldn't then maybe ask him if he didn't feel he had the chance to talk the other night but you are always there for him and love and support him always.

Tell him 'No pressure but I'm here to talk anytime'

PickAChew · 07/01/2019 23:31

You mind your own business until he sees fit to discuss his sex life with you.

Original poster

SingleDadStill · 07/01/2019 23:31

I get what you’re all saying and I really do agree....but I know my kids inside out and I really felt on Saturday night he wanted to come out....then felt he couldn’t for what ever reason. I just want to be the adult and say “mate, I love you and I don’t care who your partner is” but how do I do that without embarrassing him/scaring him off forever. Thank you for all your advice

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 07/01/2019 23:32

You don't. Why does it matter what his sexual orientation is? It's not your business!!

Sethis · 07/01/2019 23:32

Just say "It felt a bit like you were going to say something on Saturday.... or did I get that wrong?" At a time and place which is suitable to have the conversation if that is what happens i.e. no other time pressures and no other people around.

If he brushes it off then drop it and let it go. If he wants to bring it up later in his own time then he will.

Until such a time, just make it very clear you're positive about homosexuality in general and hate homophobia - if you see something in the papers or on tv when he's nearby then make a tiny comment about it without trying to entice him into saying anything. Just state it clearly that that's how you feel and leave it at that.

MapMyMum · 07/01/2019 23:33

I think justmuddlingalong has it right, do things alongside each other so he doesnt feel pressured to talk but has plenty of opportunity to if he wants to, so a car journey, gardening, diy, painting a room, clearing out the garage/shed

Original poster

SingleDadStill · 07/01/2019 23:35

@dailymaildontstealmythread thank you so much....that’s reassuring....we mostly communicate through text so maybe that would work for him x

OP posts:

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