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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I ask my son if he’s gay?

107 replies

SingleDadStill · 07/01/2019 23:19

Just that really...I’m a single parent, his mum died a long time ago and me and him are really close, always have been. So I don’t want to ruin our great relationship but I want to support him...he’s 15, nearly 16

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/01/2019 00:35

I wouldn't ask him straight out. I'd probably say something like, "Is there anyone you've got your eye on in school?" I wouldn't say, "boy or girl" as if he doesn't want to come out he might think that you think he's gay.

6demandingchildren · 08/01/2019 00:44

My eldest son is gay, we knew years before he came out, when he did come out I sighed relief as he could finally be who he was as be happy.
Talking to him now he wishes he had told us earlier as the stigma of being gay is still there, and for any gay or bi teen it's an emotional turmoil.

Original poster
SingleDadStill · 08/01/2019 00:45

Thank you @HollowTalk you could be right, I just don’t feel like he’s had a girlfriend in the whole time he’s been at school. Not a problem, I really don’t mind....I guess what’s making it hard is that I’ve always been able to talk to him about anything....but for some reason this is something we haven’t got through (yet) x

OP posts:
Original poster
SingleDadStill · 08/01/2019 00:46

@6demandingchildren so do you think I should bring it up? I really want to be the adult but I don’t want to hurt him x

OP posts:
Weenurse · 08/01/2019 00:47

My daughter came out to me in the car. I had been to a training day on sexual health and was discussing the last session of the day on LGBT community and sexual health. She quietly told me she is bi. My response was, it increases her dating options, and we went back to the discussion. She is 22.
He will tell you when he is ready, and feels comfortable enough.

Original poster
SingleDadStill · 08/01/2019 00:54

@Weenurse I know, he’ll tell me when he’s ready....but I honestly think he was ready Saturday....then felt he couldn’t....and I don’t want him to continue to think he can’t tell me....I want to bring the subject up and let him tell me in a safe comfortable environment. X

OP posts:
Saracen · 08/01/2019 01:11

You could ask him if he got the rainbow coloured phone charger he was talking about. If he did, tell him how much you like it. If he didn't, tell him it sounded cool and you were looking forward to seeing it, and would he like you to buy it for him?

Weenurse · 08/01/2019 01:43

Good luck

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2019 02:24

All you need to tell him is that you love him and you will always be there to listen and support him, no matter what.

Racecardriver · 08/01/2019 02:32

You don’t. How rude. If you want to be supportive just say ‘You can tell me anything. I will always love you and support you.’ But you don’t go asking people about their sexuality

Monty27 · 08/01/2019 02:38

Spend time with him. Ask him if there's any girls he's interested in and if he says no ask him if there's any boys he's interested in.
You'll soon find out.

category12 · 08/01/2019 06:32

As pp have said, just make sure there are opportunities to talk and keep communication open.

Why are you so fixated on asking him directly? You must realise putting him on the spot would be very uncomfortable for him, and asking him a closed question like "are you gay?" puts him in a difficult position if he's changed his mind/isn't ready to tell you.

It's not about you. Be patient.

SonataDentata · 08/01/2019 06:33

Please don’t ask him outright. This happened in my family and the person was mortified and immediately denied being gay (we still don’t know whether he is or not). The suggestions of offering a listening ear and perhaps some quality time alone together are excellent.

TooTrueToBeGood · 08/01/2019 06:40

Just another thing to consider. If you ask him outright and he's not ready at that moment in time he'll more than likely say no. That will then paint him into a bit of a corner and will make it harder to open up to you if he is gay. Just keep being a great dad, let him know you love him unconditionally and he will do whatever he's going to do when it feels right for him.

Dimsumlosesum · 08/01/2019 06:52

I read a story about another dad who did similar. He ended up commenting about an openly gay sports star saying something like, it's great he was able to come out, that quite brave etc, and basically indirectly made it known that way his supoort for gay people.

Chimchar · 08/01/2019 07:00

You say he went on a date on Saturday night...can you ask him who his date was with?! Can you ask him if he's seen him or her since? Just be really casual about it.

I have always talked about 'boyfriends or girlfriends' with my sons and daughter, so they have all known that it was no big deal in our house.

There's a great film called 'Love Simon' about a lad who is terrified of coming out. You might not want to watch it with your ds in case it's a bit close to home for him, but it might be an opener for conversation that 'someone at work said it was good'.

You sound like a lovely Dad. Keep doing what you're doing and your ds will open up about what's on his mind when he's ready.

Bouchie · 08/01/2019 07:15

I would make a casual comment or anecdote that made it clear you don't care either way. Something along the lines of isn't it good how modern society has got a lot less racist and nobody cares if people are gay, bi or anything else anymore. If he is gay he will probably guess you are saying this deliberately, but if he isn't ready to say anything he doesn't have to be directly asked.

Expatworkingmum · 08/01/2019 07:18

I don’t have any advice but you’re such a wonderful dad for even wondering this. Your son is lucky to have such support.

Expatworkingmum · 08/01/2019 07:19

Meant to add that it’s probably not your initial conversation that will matter in the long term, as much as your ongoing love and support.

CupoBlood · 08/01/2019 07:21

You can say I'm here to talk too. You can say I felt like you wanted to talk to me on sat but your sister interrupted us.

anniehm · 08/01/2019 07:54

Don't, kids today are a lot more flexible about these things, honestly most of the girls I know have experimented both ways, and lads too to a lesser extent- if he is gay he will tell you when he's ready, though it's quite possibly he's just in the experimental stage. Just ensure you make it clear all you want is for him to be happy and you love him whatever.

anniehm · 08/01/2019 07:56

A suggestion - take a car ride, nothing like being trapped in a steel box to get into a discussion.

Musti · 08/01/2019 08:46

My kids all know my views on sexuality and transgender people, cross dressing etc. That I don't care who people love or want to be like or look like. That it doesn't bother me if Susan is a man or with a man or a woman and she can dress how she likes. They've always known my views because I've discussed it with them when its come up on tv or in conversation. I want them to feel the same as me and by default, if any of them are gay or whatever they'll know that it won't bother me. They also know that I have gay and lesbian friends.

Oblomov18 · 08/01/2019 08:49

I disagree with most:
I think it's ok to let someone know that it's ok to be gay.

The: "mate, I love you and I don’t care who your partner is. " sentence seems perfect to me.

And I disagree with pp's: whilst everyone is saying there's no difference, why are you treating him differently to being heterosexual. Because it is a bit more difficult. SOME People find it difficult, admitting they are gay, coming out.

Oblomov18 · 08/01/2019 08:54

I too have very nice conversations with Ds1. I said similar to other posters : "your boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever".

We now talk about girls in his year having High anxiety and self harming, friends of his already coming out as bi. And one child in his year being trans.

Then we go on to ... sausages and mash being for dinner!