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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I ask my son if he’s gay?

107 replies

SingleDadStill · 07/01/2019 23:19

Just that really...I’m a single parent, his mum died a long time ago and me and him are really close, always have been. So I don’t want to ruin our great relationship but I want to support him...he’s 15, nearly 16

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 07/01/2019 23:35

IME (as a bisexual woman not a gay man, I have never been a gay man so can't speak as one) yes it "doesn't matter" if he is gay. You know that. But it's important he knows that.

It can feel awkward and a big deal to have to bring it up with people, especially family. So I would just say speak only- the fact you speak broadly and don't assume he is heterosexual he will probably pick up on. It gives him plenty of scope to confirm/deny when he wants to.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2019 23:36

He probably didn't want an audience. You seem to have decided already he's gay. Why the rush for him to tell you? At 15 he may be uncertain. Don't be so quick to pigeon hole his sexuality.

PickAChew · 07/01/2019 23:36

And yes, if he's hinted but been interrupted, make your acceptance clear without fanfare. Express you displeasure at the anti gay marches at littlemindington, or whatever, but don't make it about him, to reduce potential awkward.

Gormless · 07/01/2019 23:38

I would say that it’s not the same thing as asking if he’s straight: that tends to be the default assumption and there is still a burden on gay people to come out so they can feel ‘seen’ (I speak from personal experience). Equally you don’t want to pressure him. Some suggestions above are good as to how you might at least create a safe space for him to talk. You could also do worse than indicate in some way that you’d have no problem if someone close to you was gay. At least if he is he’d know he’d get a positive response. But if he is gay I do think you want him to tell you: it’s tough being a gay teen. Really tough. His sexuality does matter, not in the sense that it’s anyone else’s business but you’ll want to be able to support him; it won’t be healthy for him to feel he has to hide or that a significant aspect of his life is somehow invisible.

AornisHades · 07/01/2019 23:38

Give him a half hug. Tell him you like who he is. Wait.

Dirtybadger · 07/01/2019 23:39

Speak openly**

To add, no it isn't your right to know (re minding your own business). He may think it has nothing to do with you, But he may also be itching to tell someone. As long as he has opportunities , he can decide whether to take them or not.

Original poster
SingleDadStill · 07/01/2019 23:40

Thank you all, I really do appreciate all the different points of view. Things I’ve never thought of. For what it’s worth, I really don’t care if he’s gay, straight or an alien....I love him the same as I love my daughter....but this is the first time ever I’ve been unsure how to approach my child (and we’ve been through some shit together) x

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DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 07/01/2019 23:42

singledad you are very welcome. And we are so lucky to have the relationship we have with our DC, even if that is mainly by text messages! They know we love them and all that comes with it and u should take a massive pat on the back for that, teens aren’t easy whether they are straight, bi, or other.

I agree with others, you could brouch the subject 1:1 or text it! Either way it makes not one jot of difference to who they are and why we love them.

Make sure he knows that.

LadyLapsang · 07/01/2019 23:42

I wouldn't ask or say anything. If you are close and spend time together he will tell you when he is ready.

Original poster
SingleDadStill · 07/01/2019 23:43

@gormless thank you, you’ve summed it up so well. I really don’t care (and I don’t think he does) but I think he wants to tell me and I want to facilitate that x

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ILoveChristmasLights · 07/01/2019 23:44

There’s nothing wrong with saying what you want to say...

mate, I love you and I don’t care who your partner is.

Just be you.

Original poster
SingleDadStill · 07/01/2019 23:48

@iloveChristmaights this is exactly what I want to say but I don’t want to embarrass him and put him off talking....ffs, it’s 2018, why am I even having to worry about this crap 😫

OP posts:
SpareASquare · 07/01/2019 23:59

Why not just say "Hey mate, I got the feeling you wanted to talk to me about something on Sat night.If that's true, I'm here if you need"

You don't have to say what you think it is, and he may even have changed his mind, but acknowledging that you sensed that will also reassure him that you do notice and care about his wellbeing. I'm sure he knows it but that reassurance is always nice.

DustyOwl · 07/01/2019 23:59

I'm not saying this is the right thing for you but I thought I would share my story as it's strangely similar.
My brother was about to move out and was 18. He was watching tv with mum in the lounge. My mum just said to him "is there something you want to tell me, it seems like there's something you want to say.". He told her he was gay and she hugged him. One of the least dramatic coming out stories ever.

My dad always said washing up /driving/watching tv was a good place to talk about sensitive things because there isn't the intensity/pressure of eye contact. (Maybe he just wanted me to do more washing up.)

For what it's worth it sounds like he is very lucky to have you. Good luck.

chocatoo · 08/01/2019 00:00

You sound like a great dad. I think you have wait for him to raise the subject. Just make sure there are lots of opportunities.

Lalliella · 08/01/2019 00:00

Just refer back to Saturday when the 2 of you are next alone and say you thought he was about to tell you something but understand if he doesn’t want to talk. You sound like an amazing dad. Have some manly 💐

WaxOnFeckOff · 08/01/2019 00:01

I've always just brought stuff up in conversation such as "are many of your friends/classmates in relationships now?" "Are there any girls or boys you are interested in?" (I have sons) just so that they know that I don't care if it's a male or female partner they have. One DS told me that a friend of his is bisexual. I think mine are not gay but I want them to know that not everyone is one thing or the other and it's normal and natural to have feeling for someone of the same sex even if ultimately you end up in a heterosexual relationship. I think very few people are completely 100% one or the other though they may spend 100% in either gay or straight relationships.

feelingfree17 · 08/01/2019 00:02

You sound lovely and supportive. I don’t think you really need to directly bring it up but obviously let him know you have absolutely no prejudices (everyone is the same whatever their sexuality is) and then he will feel comfortable to tell you if and when he wants to

2boysnamedR · 08/01/2019 00:03

My son is 15 and and I did ask him. It’s always been a non issue as I have always said “when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend/ wife or husband” he’s never reacted to me saying that. I was asking because he has zero interest in people generally. He went through puberty really early anyway. I just didn’t want it to be a thing he doesn’t feel he could tell me. He said he wasn’t sure yet as he’s not interested in either, and that was it. It’s never crossed my mind since. As I was hoping it’s no big deal either way and he wasn’t at all shocked by the question. Which is good as I have a gut feeling he might be and I want it to be a non issue. I’m his safe person, the person it most matters that’s it’s a non issue. But I respect that most people wouldn’t ask.

MarcieBluebell · 08/01/2019 00:06

I remember my mum saying to me without any suggestions from me I was gay that she couldn't care less if I was gay or straight when we watching tele about relationships like first dates ect. I am actually straight but was good to know!!

PickAChew · 08/01/2019 00:09

2boys, I talk in just that way to DS1, also 15. Autistic recently nonverbal teen. No relationship is abnormal 7nless abusive.

Original poster
SingleDadStill · 08/01/2019 00:10

Again, thank you all. I think I just need you great people to tell me that I can bring it up again without it being a big deal....when he came back from his date Saturday night (he never goes out!!!) he was really chatty and mentioned buying a rainbow coloured phone charger....just seemed like he was hinting and wanting me to question more....we spent all day Sunday together and chatted as normal...I wanted to ask what the “rainbow” comment was about but also wanted to not make a big deal of it....aaarhhhhhhh!!! I really don’t care!!!! Just want him to be happy x

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Original poster
SingleDadStill · 08/01/2019 00:16

@2boysnsnedR that’s exactly how we’ve always been but I just knew there was something different about saturday night...I don’t wanna make a big deal of it but I feel like he’s opened the door and I want him to know the door is always open

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Dreamscomingtrue · 08/01/2019 00:20

I have three sons, 2 are now married, 1 is late twenties and still single. I’ve always told them from their teens that it doesn’t bother me if they’re straight or gay. I’m pretty sure that the youngest is straight as I have met a couple of girlfriends, but I’m not really bothered, he knows this. I’ve always believed that you’re born gay, so that’s just the way it is. I have a gay nephew who’s been with his partner for 20 years and he’s very happy.

Just ask him, when it’s just the two of you, if he did want to talk to you you the other day. If he says no, just say OK but you’re always there for him if he does want to. He probably knows that he can anyway, maybe it’s just not easy to say what he wants to say or maybe he’s bisexual and a bit confused with his emotions.

Original poster
SingleDadStill · 08/01/2019 00:30

@Dreamscomingtrue I really wanna say to him “are you gay?” Cos then he could open up to me if he needed to but I worry that if I’m too full on and he’s not sure then he’ll back down and won’t speak about it again. My daughter (his sister) is the complete opposite and loves talking to be about personal stuff but he’s quite reserved x

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