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Original poster

How do I ask my son if he’s gay?

107 replies

SingleDadStill · 07/01/2019 23:19

Just that really...I’m a single parent, his mum died a long time ago and me and him are really close, always have been. So I don’t want to ruin our great relationship but I want to support him...he’s 15, nearly 16

OP posts:
theRM · 08/01/2019 09:04

The car is sometimes a good place for awkward discussions because you don't have to look at each other face to face.
Hope it goes well OP

newyeardontcare · 08/01/2019 09:18

My suggestion would be to watch Arrow, The Flash and Legends of Tomorrow with him. They are great shows to watch with teenagers (even if they're not that into superheroes) but more importantly they have a very diverse range of characters. They treat and cover gay relationships in an open and perfectly normally way (as should be done) and can be a great conversation starter or just a way to show that you understand diversity and don't have a problem... very much, love is love, no matter where or how it occurs!

Mrscaindingle · 08/01/2019 09:58

I had a very similar situation with my DS now 18, it felt as if we were dancing about each other but he never came out to me. In the end the opportunity presented itself in the car when we were talking about someone else who was gay. There was a long pregnant pause and I asked him if he had anything he wanted to tell me and we both started laughing.
The least shocking coming out ever, I would choose a time when you don't have to make direct eye contact and ask him if he needs to talk to you about it.

Mrscaindingle · 08/01/2019 09:59

anything not it* obviously

Tvci5 · 08/01/2019 10:04

Hi i was in the same position, i knew myson had something weighing on his mind and i had a good idea what it was and was tempted to ask if he was gay but was advised by a counsellor friend not to ask directly, and to say more along the lines “ you know there’s nothing you and your siblings could say or do where i wouldnt love and support you” he left me a letter in my underwear drawer two days later.
I dont understand why people say its not our business what our childs sexaul oreintation is, anything that causes my child to be worried or anxious is my business. You sound like a lovely supportive dad.

Grammar · 08/01/2019 10:37

You sound perfect!
I would be very proud of yourself if i were you.
You demonstrate great sensitivity and awrareness.
I hope some of these wise responses have helped you.
If only all out teens had dads like you
GORMELESS. your post was fab

Branleuse · 08/01/2019 10:46

can you say "it looked like you wanted to tell me something the other day but then stopped - I just want you to know that no matter what, im here for you. Do you want to carry on where you left off. If you dont, thats fine too"

ForTheLoveOfDoughnuts · 08/01/2019 11:03

@SingleDadStill you sound like a lovely guy and your kids are very lucky to have a dad like you.

I think just letting him know that you just want him to know you love him, you respect him, you're always there for him, with no judgement. You don't need to bring sexuality into it.

whatwillbewillbe03 · 08/01/2019 11:36

Why don't you buy him the rainbow phone charger and give it to him with a smile and hug.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 08/01/2019 11:55

whatwillbe beat me to it

for gods sake man, BUY HIM THE CHARGER!!!

CaptainCabinets · 08/01/2019 14:24

Ahh you sound like a lovely Dad! Smile

Agree without pp about not asking directly. Just casually drop into conversation next time it’s just the two of you (the car is a great place for such conversations because there’s no eye contact!) that you noticed he looked like he wanted to talk about something at the weekend but maybe not in front of his sister?

Best of luck, you’re doing great.

Monty27 · 08/01/2019 21:09

Great supportive posts on here.
Come back OP!

fiydwi · 08/01/2019 21:52

If it were me the I think with a teenager they may be more comfortable opening up by text or indirectly.

So I’d prob buy the charger or as some of the previous posters have suggested maybe text something along the lines of..
“Got the feeling you were going to tell me something the other day. Just want you to know I’m here when you’re ready” or something along those lines anyway x

Inthetropics · 08/01/2019 22:45

No matter what you do you'll be just fine because you apund like a lovely father to your son. I'm a lesbian and i felt i could talk to my mum because she was always challenging homofobic views and saying how diversity should be respected, how she would love me no matter what, etc. She didn't do it on purpose to get me to tell her, though... it was just her being herself.

Inthetropics · 08/01/2019 22:46

apund =sound

Inthetropics · 08/01/2019 22:50

Oh, and echoing others pps, i told my mum when we were at the car! Grin Lol

Angelinthenight · 09/01/2019 12:58

Hi one of my sons is gay he does like girls too but more into boys.someone told me he had a boyfriend so i just asked him, he was 15 at the time he is now 21. It diddnt bother me and i think once they tell u it makes them feel better about it ,its when they feel that they have to hide it,it causes them stress .if u feel that the moment is right then try and bring it up.

theRM · 10/01/2019 10:33

That's interesting @Angelinthenight

There's an argument to say that if you just ask directly it makes them realise there is and never will be no big deal about it. Like stripping off a plaster quickly rather than pulling it off one hair at a time!
It depends on the personalities concerned I suppose.

UterusUterusGhali · 10/01/2019 11:07

I agree with Dimsum and others. Make him feel totally confident you're accepting of the LGBTQ+ community with positive comments on news stories etc.

Subtly, mind. You don't wanna be all "you know who's great? The gays" or you'll end up sounding like Father Ted.

My daughter is 16 and when being nosy about her little brother's lives asks if they have a boyf or girlf. Kids are just so chill about it now. Hopefully for the younger generation it won't be a difficult thing to broach.

Angelinthenight · 10/01/2019 11:10

Im the type of parent that asks but yeah i agree not every parent is able to do that.im straight to the point with my children if i want to know i ask but also say if u dont want to tell me that is fine. Being gay isnt a big deal in the world we live in now,its just hard for kids to say they are.

ThisHasReallyPIssedMeOff · 10/01/2019 11:14

I'd just ask him if there was anyone at school/college he liked and leave their sex out of it.

RB68 · 10/01/2019 11:18

This is why kitchens still need tables

Make the opportunities whilst "just at home" and chat about life n stuff and if he wants to say he will. In the mean time - what difference does t make? If its about him feeling safe and secure and accepted you can do that stuff anyway whether you know or not by how you react to things in general.

My DH is a bit useless and can be overly direct. His face when he found out one DDs besties was now a he was classic but he was open to a chat with her about it and so life moved on

user1481840227 · 10/01/2019 11:51

I personally think if parents suspect this they should ask. I'm not sure how you would broach the conversation, but I have heard so many stories about people who were afraid to tell their parents for years and were very distressed about it at times, and then the parent told them they knew all along! They could have saved their kids a lot of distress.

Singledad, you sound like you have a great relationship and i'm sure you will handle it well!

ravenmum · 10/01/2019 11:59

He had a date on Sat.?

"Oh, and how did your date go on Saturday? Who was the lucky lady or gent?"

glitterfarts · 10/01/2019 12:17

If he is dating: ask him how his date went. "Anyone special? Do you like them? Would you like to invite them over for dinner one night?"
Offer to get him condoms.

Leave them in his room and say "I got you some condoms - you need to use condoms no matter who you have sex with, even if both of you haven't had sex before and now you are coming up to 16, I want you to be prepared so you can always be safe."

Use gender neutral words.

I've said to my DD's since they were tiny that you marry someone you love and the most important thing is that they are kind and love you.

When they've asked - I have been clear that women can marry other women if they want to. I have a good friend who happens to be lesbian and she's mum to one of my DD's friends, so it's just been known since day 1.