DP out all the time since baby was born.

[GirlOnIt]

Ds wasn't planned, I'm mid twenties Dp late twenties. Once we got used to the idea we were both happy. Dp was great while I was pregnant and a great partner before Ds.
But since his arrival he's out all the time. Before we both had a few evenings out with friends after work, usually one weekend night with friends and one together, we might go out or stay in. He's never been a huge drinker or party animal or anything, which is why this has shocked me so much. Ds is three months and he's hardly stayed in. He's not going on massive benders or anything and he's usually going after Ds is in bed. He pulls his weight with stuff round the house and he's working really hard as I'm on mat leave. But it's really hurting me, I'm not sure if I'm just being emotional or if he's being really unreasonable. It's been Christmas and stuff too, so obviously people are out more.
But this week, he went out New Year's Eve and I'd said I didn't mind but I'd have liked him to stay in with me. Then he went for a few New Year's Day. Stayed in Wednesday but wasn't back from work till late anyway, football and drinks Thursday then out Friday and Saturday night. We've been for a walk round the park earlier and it was lovely, got back and I sat down to feed Ds, he comes in the room 5 minutes later saying he's meeting his mate for a few in the pub.

When I've mentioned it he's said "well there's no point us both staying in, and you'll only want to go to sleep soon" or words to that effect. Friday he'd bathed Ds and I was feeding him. I came down and he was ready to go out, I said "that Ds was asleep and I was really hoping we could spend some time together" he replied "oh you should have said" came and started kissing me as if I meant I wanted sex. When I said I meant watch a film with a glass of wine and relax first he went off on his night out instead.
He's like a completely different person to before and I get that I'm not the best company right now, but I'm breastfeeding and busy with Ds and surely he should understand that.

I don't think anything else is going on, he's where he says he is and quite often he's only out for a few. He's not spending loads although it's adding up a bit. He's good with Ds when he's with him, helps through the night etc and up until this he's always been a really good partner.
I'm starting to feel like he just doesn't want to spend time with me and that's really hurting.
I'm not sure what to say though as when I mention it he just says there's no point us both staying in and I'm usually asleep soon anyway.

I understand why you’re hurt by his behaviour, it’s completely not on. He’s being self indulgent and selfish. Is there any way you could arrange to have a night out with your friends and have him care for the baby all day and night? (Or if you’re too knackered, hand him baby and sneak over to a friend’s/ family member’s for a good sleep!) he needs a taste of what it’s like to be alone with a baby all night.

I was really hoping we could spend some time together" he replied "oh you should have said" came and started kissing me as if I meant I wanted sex. When I said I meant watch a film with a glass of wine and relax first he went off on his night out instead.

That's really horrible. And would really make me sad an annoyed. So, I'm good enough to have sex with but not good enough to hang out with?

It's very hard to explain that feeling of being a mother but still wanting to be a human being. Whereas men are more likely to be able to swan about doing whatever they fancy.

Have you started expressing? Because you going out more and leaving him alone with the baby could make him think.

I'm breastfeeding so can't leave Ds too long. Just started back at the gym and he's happy to have him for a hour while I go. But then I'll get back and he'll go out.
One of his mates is recently single so I know he's been texting to go out a fair bit. But like today we've had a lovely morning and I just wanted him to stay with us both, and he's out. He said he won't be long but he's seen his mates Friday and Saturday night, why can't he spend Sunday with us.
Other than sex it's like he's not bothered about me anymore.

Other than sex it's like he's not bothered about me anymore.

Say those exact words and see what he says.

I would just tell him to leave tbh.
You've just had his baby and he is acting like a single guy who just wants you for sex.
Fuck that. Selfish bellend.

What you need to do is this. Get baby taking expressed milk (or formula) from a bottle and you go out too. Stake equal claim from now. These patterns become entrenched otherwise. I wish I had done this years ago so hopefully someone can benefit from what I have now worked out.

I think I'll try saying that about sex to him and see what he says. Anytime I've been wanting to sit and talk about it though he's been going out.

It's the fact it's so unlike him. Normally I'd be the one saying shall we go out and he'd be like no let's just stay in and watch a film. I think he thinks I fuss over Ds too much, but he's quite a easy baby and he says I just go straight to sleep but I don't. We could easily have a few hours Ds free in the evenings if he'd stay in.

Haven't had much luck with expressing and don't want to give formula if possible.
Plus I'm not really that bothered for going out just yet. My friends call to see me or are happy to do lunch with me and Ds. I'm ok leaving him a hour or two if I know he's fed. And I'd be happy taking him out with us.I mentioned today us all going to the pub, it's a food place and family friendly. He said it's just the lads so would be weird me and Ds coming.

Just started back at the gym and he's happy to have him for a hour while I go.

I find comments like this really odd. Maybe it's just the way you've written it but you shouldn't feel this way. The baby is a shared responsibility. I find it sad that it's just not an automatic thing that the baby stays with father without it coming across as if they're babysitting. I'd like to think if I said I was just popping out for a bit I wouldn't have to ask for my other half to look after baby.

Unfortunately this is very common OP. Many men discover a sudden passion for a very time intensive hobby once the baby has been born (cycling, running, football etc) and even have the gall to describe their hobby as 'training' which will be several times per week.

You need to be clear that you don't find it acceptable. Men often feel jealous of newborns.

Is it jealousy? I’m sure you are right, but how can an adult be jealous of a baby?

Pocky the man isn't the king of the castle anymore and sex is usually stopped/reduced in the first few months. Sex is how men feel loved and wanted.

It can be jealousy. The attention is taken from the partner and focussed on the baby - which it has to be for a good while, especially with a new mum who is BF and adjusting to the situation of motherhood. Of course the partner is adjusting to his new role too, and can find it overwhelming. Not excusing his being out all the time - just giving possible reasons. He can 'escape' to a single life, so he does. Trying to relive his former carefree life.

Another reason can be he suddenly sees you more as a mummy figure, rather than a partner.

Or he could be unaware he is being selfish " you'll be asleep soon anyway" is how he is justifying it to himself - therefore he doesn't need to be around......

It needs addressing or you may as well be a single parent.

I wondered if he was feeling a bit jealous of Ds or more the amount of my time he takes. He's mentioned I talk about him a lot and one night we were watching a film and I went up to check on him a few times and he was a bit huffy about that.
But then you'd think he'd want the evenings when he gets me to himself.

Sex wise he's wanting it more than normal for him. We've always been pretty good in that respect but he's definitely wanting it more than before Ds. But he's not paying me as many compliments or making me feel as good. He's mentioned baby a few times, he said he was joking but it's hardly helping make me feel very sexy.

He'd said earlier he was only going for a few, would be back around 5. I've made dinner and he's still not home. Text him at 6 and he said he'd be back soon. I'm seriously tempted to text him to say not to bother coming back.

Baby weight, he's mentioned a few times.

Baby weight? He's mentioned BABY WEIGHT?! More than once?

I think fatherhood has turned him into a sexist twat (perhaps there were warning signs that you missed before)

Whatever you do don't give him dinner! Cheeky fucker!

But he's not paying me as many compliments or making me feel as good. He's mentioned baby (weight) a few times, he said he was joking but it's hardly helping make me feel very sexy.
^
Horrible of him to talk like that and still expect sex!

So he said he'd be home at 5 and you posted at 19:10 and he's still out. He's seriously taking the piss now. No wonder you're reaching the end of your tether.

I get the feeling he expected the baby to come along and everything to be like it was before.
Don't get me wrong he is good with Ds and loves him. He tries to always be here to do bath time and he seems to enjoy that time with him. When I said he's happy having him, it's not like he's babysitting. Just that he's been encouraging of me leaving Ds and he said himself it's good for them to have time just the two of them.

I know I need a serious conversation with him about it. But it's hard when he won't bloody come home to talk to me.

Oh yeah dinner in the bin. Don't make him anything else. You're not his mum.

He needs a few lessons in how not to be an arsehole. I gained weight after DD which I kept for a while. DH never said a thing. When I started running and taking care, he might say, "running is really working for you" or something and he'd support my time to do it.

Funnily enough his friends who hassled their wives and moaned and acted like nobbers are now complaining that their wives don't like them and don't shag them. Surprise surprise idiots.

Your one wants everything to be the same (sex, your body, his time) with a new child. Doesn't work that way.

You sound very, very reasonable op. I think I would be unable to contain my furious anger by now.

Unfortunately, I think your dp feels comfortable showing the 'real him' now you are tied down by a baby. Here is a list of pros and cons:

Cons
He is out at the pub most evenings
He doesn't come home when he says he will
He wants sex more than usual but doesn't want any intimacy or to have a relationship beyond the bedroom
He mentions baby weight (fucker)
You are doing all the baby work here, while he lives like a selfish Singleton
He spends family money at the pub

Pros
What are the pros? He earns money (what a big man)
He looks after baby while you go to the gym
He gets up in the night

OP you sound completely lovely and I’m sad for you as your DP is behaving very badly. He may be bonding ok with your DS but he is treating you disgracefully.

You know this.
Don’t just be there desperate for any crumbs he throws you. You deserve much more.
Tell him he’s being an arse, you aren’t there at home just to cook or have sex and he doesn’t get to swan off every day for pints and wander in and suggest your body isn’t up to scratch.

Go stay with your parents or someone for a week and tell him to spend the time thinking.

Is he back yet? I think tomorrow once ds has had a bedtime feed, hand him over and just say right I'm off down the pub. I'll be back at 8.30. Then make sure you aren't back til at least 9.30.

Start to mark off on a calendar how many nights he's had off in the last month. In his head he's probably thinking he's out once or twice a week. He needs to see exactly how many times it is.

What time does he come back?

I am cross and he's definitely not getting his dinner! But he's just not normally like this, he was lovely when I was pregnant and really supportive.

I get it's all a big change but I don't think I'm coping badly at all. Ds luckily sleeps quite good and our families and friends say how well I'm doing.
He said the weight thing was a joke because I'm really slim and back to being really slim. But I've got a bit of a tummy (understandably) and I'd mentioned that to him in regards to a outfit I tried on. So at best it was insensitive when he knew it was bothering me a bit.