DP out all the time since baby was born.

[GirlOnIt]

Ds wasn't planned, I'm mid twenties Dp late twenties. Once we got used to the idea we were both happy. Dp was great while I was pregnant and a great partner before Ds.
But since his arrival he's out all the time. Before we both had a few evenings out with friends after work, usually one weekend night with friends and one together, we might go out or stay in. He's never been a huge drinker or party animal or anything, which is why this has shocked me so much. Ds is three months and he's hardly stayed in. He's not going on massive benders or anything and he's usually going after Ds is in bed. He pulls his weight with stuff round the house and he's working really hard as I'm on mat leave. But it's really hurting me, I'm not sure if I'm just being emotional or if he's being really unreasonable. It's been Christmas and stuff too, so obviously people are out more.
But this week, he went out New Year's Eve and I'd said I didn't mind but I'd have liked him to stay in with me. Then he went for a few New Year's Day. Stayed in Wednesday but wasn't back from work till late anyway, football and drinks Thursday then out Friday and Saturday night. We've been for a walk round the park earlier and it was lovely, got back and I sat down to feed Ds, he comes in the room 5 minutes later saying he's meeting his mate for a few in the pub.

When I've mentioned it he's said "well there's no point us both staying in, and you'll only want to go to sleep soon" or words to that effect. Friday he'd bathed Ds and I was feeding him. I came down and he was ready to go out, I said "that Ds was asleep and I was really hoping we could spend some time together" he replied "oh you should have said" came and started kissing me as if I meant I wanted sex. When I said I meant watch a film with a glass of wine and relax first he went off on his night out instead.
He's like a completely different person to before and I get that I'm not the best company right now, but I'm breastfeeding and busy with Ds and surely he should understand that.

I don't think anything else is going on, he's where he says he is and quite often he's only out for a few. He's not spending loads although it's adding up a bit. He's good with Ds when he's with him, helps through the night etc and up until this he's always been a really good partner.
I'm starting to feel like he just doesn't want to spend time with me and that's really hurting.
I'm not sure what to say though as when I mention it he just says there's no point us both staying in and I'm usually asleep soon anyway.

I'm happy for him to go away for a stag do. Just interested in if and when he'll actually ask me. I don't think something like that should be booked without speaking to your partner. Not when we're living together and have a child together.
He's home tonight though and no plans to go out. He's said he's not even going to football this week, although I've said I'm absolutely fine with him doing so. One week night and a weekend night is fine, six nights/days in a row not so much.

My mum is going to have Ds on Friday for a few hours and we're going to try go out for dinner. He's usually ok from 7/7:30-11ish sometimes nearing 12. Sometimes he's not though, but I think we've got to just give it a go.

Sounds like he's going to shape up, OP. Yeah deffo go out for dinner, I'm sure baby will be fine with his doting granny

Hopefully Queen. Who'd have thought a grown man actually needs telling that leaving his partner and baby every night isn't on!

I mentioned it to my mum today, I'd not really wanted to involve her but it just came out. But she was like 'what on earth was he thinking, like you've not enough going on with a new baby and he's acting like that' she's pretty furious with him.

I understand your mum's wrath. I hope she'll not go in with all guns blazing though You've handled this whole thing yourself with maturity. Give your DP a chance to be a good partner and parent.

No she won't say anything to him.

Well done OP, I hope your DP is true to his word. This thread has been an interesting read for me as sadly my DP is acting the same way but instead of the pub he is playing football 3 times per week and I barely see him. I feel completely on my own with looking after my DD (6 months).

It's really difficult isn't it CallMe. How long does your partner spend at football? My Dp does five a side once a week but it's more just a laugh with his mates. He used to play on a team and that took more time, but he got injured one too many times and he's self employed so he said he wasn't worth it anymore.

It's got to be a bit equal hasn't it? Do you get time away too?

Pleased to hear this OP

I have an occasional night out but I would rather spend an evening with him. I think it’s the assumption that he can do what he likes and I’ll pick up the slack that annoys me the most. I do agree with a PP who said it’s almost like proving that their lives haven’t changed and they aren’t “tied down”. Sorry to hijack your thread, I’m going to read it again and then take some action. Good luck

Yep, I think that plays a part CallMe. My Dp is the only one of his friends with a baby. I've glanced a few messages on his phone from a group message, he said he's not going out and it's all 'you not allowed' 'you having to babysit'. Tbf to him he's replied 'nah just want to spend time with girl and Ds'.

Thanks to everyone who gave advice. I needed to hear he was being a dick 😂.
It's difficult because it kinda creeped up and became more and more often and if I'd mention it, it was "just a few" or "but it's quiz night we go to" or someone's birthday or a Christmas do.

Anyway, hopefully he's realised what a idiot he was being. Because if not I'll be packing his bags and he can go back to his parents.

Lots of luck to you Girl, you sound so lovely. I so hope it all works out for you and your family!

I was j
ust wondering how you'll feel if he doesn't mention the stag do and declines going without saying anything about it.

I'll also add that I hate it when it's referred to as babysitting when it's your own child. That's only used when men look after their children.

I'll say it again...your DH does a good amount of parenting from what you've said.

Getting up in the night and even to stay up with you while feeding.

FYI I remember noticing my dh saying I’m out at x Thursday night after our first. I made him finish the sentence - I’m out..., does that work for you? Because we agreed to have a baby, we never agreed that I’d be available 24h a day to look after it and he can’t assume that, whether I’d be there or not i don’t want to solo parent every night , it’s very hard work with a non sleeping baby. Parents who respect their partners check their plans to know if the partner is ok to solo parent that night. Mat leave covers baby care for him to go to work , not 24h a day.

I think it would depend why he declined Sandy. If he just doesn't want to go because he'd rather be with me and Ds, fine that's his choice. If he doesn't go because he doesn't want to ask me about it, I'd feel a bit disappointed that he felt like that. He's not really one for lads holidays, but then he wasn't one for going out often so who knows.
The groom to be is a good friend so I'd have thought he'd want to go.

He is good on a night, he knows I struggle with lack of sleep and Ds waking always wakes him too. So he'll check his nappy and more often than not he stays awake while I feed him and then he'll wind him and put him back down. I like that time, while I'm sat feeding it's nice and intimate in a way. He'll sit close and we'll quietly chat. He takes Ds down on a morning too, he's usually up at 5:30/6 so he'll take him after his feed, while he gets ready for work and then bring him back to me when he sets off. So I get around a extra hours sleep most mornings and more on a weekend.
He knows I'm cranky if I don't sleep! It's the one thing everyone kept saying when I was pregnant, how was I going to cope with the lack of sleep.

I did suggest he sleep in the spare room to avoid Ds waking him at first. I know he has work and I don't so it's seems unfair he's up with him too. But he hated that idea and he seems to be fine on the sleep he gets. Ds is sometimes going through from 11-5:30 ish now anyway so it's getting easier.

Jeez I think people need to cut him some slack. Yes he's been selfish and a bit of a dick but they are both young. His mates won't get that he has new responsibilities and to be honest why should they. The responses of 'get rid' aren't helpful. Yes the week of constant going out was a dick move but it's not like he isn't pulling his weight when at home. I think he needs to be given the benefit of the doubt and allowed to rectify things now that the OP has told him how she feels. I think OP you should mention the stag do to him and ask what his plans are - I think you need to communicate to him and not come straight on to here where everyone seems to be a man hater!

It’s amazing how many men I know who find a new social life or hobby (usually the gym) after the birth of their child. They were quite happy slobbing around the house before the baby came along.

I did try mentioning it to him on a few occasions Tiredis. And he brushed me off, I did insist on him staying in Christmas Eve which he did. But it wasn't just this last week it's been from Ds being born, maybe not 6 days a week like last, but a good 4/5 times a week.
Sunday I was just sat after he went out thinking 'this isn't on us it?'.
I'm thankful for the advice, no I'm not going to LTB. But I think he needed to hear that it was a possibility if he carried on.

He is good on a night, he knows I struggle with lack of sleep and Ds waking always wakes him too. So he'll check his nappy and more often than not he stays awake while I feed him and then he'll wind him and put him back down

I did suggest he sleep in the spare room to avoid Ds waking him at first. I know he has work and I don't so it's seems unfair he's up with him too. But he hated that idea

You have a good man there. You raised the issue of him going out and he's immediately listened to you and was apologetic. I know you felt he tried to blame you... but overall he's very hands on. Nobody is perfect.

A new baby is a big change for both of you.

I hope he mentions the Stag do and doesn't feel unable to ask/tell you.

Just to add OP he sounds like a good man from what you’ve said - pulls his weight, does loads of things with the baby. Posters piling on with get rid and LTB seem to be projecting other experiences onto yours. Glad you’ve had a conversation and hope it leads to some changes now.

" I think he needed to hear that it was a possibility if he carried on."

Exactly.

Glad you feel things are better OP

@GirlOnIt - as rubbish as it is some men need telling/reminding! He may have his reasons for struggling with the adjustment (I'm trying to look at it fairly rather than be 'he's an arsehole'). It's also easy for some guys to get caught up in the 'lads banter' plus Christmas is notorious for lots of get togethers and drinking.
Fingers crossed it all starts to improve now

@ZaphodBeeblerox

Posters piling on with get rid and LTB seem to be projecting other experiences onto yours.

I agree with you 100% on this.

People are too quick to say he's a prick or an arsehole. Its uncalled for.

It's not uncalled for. He was behaving like one!
Luckily he listened to the OP and seems willing to change.

He did admit last night that he's been acting like a dick! So AnotherEmma, wasn't wrong. I'm not saying he's not had reasons and I know we need to communicate better, but how he acted wasn't right.

If he doesn't mention that stag do by the weekend then I'll ask if he's heard anything about it Sandy