DP out all the time since baby was born.

[GirlOnIt]

Ds wasn't planned, I'm mid twenties Dp late twenties. Once we got used to the idea we were both happy. Dp was great while I was pregnant and a great partner before Ds.
But since his arrival he's out all the time. Before we both had a few evenings out with friends after work, usually one weekend night with friends and one together, we might go out or stay in. He's never been a huge drinker or party animal or anything, which is why this has shocked me so much. Ds is three months and he's hardly stayed in. He's not going on massive benders or anything and he's usually going after Ds is in bed. He pulls his weight with stuff round the house and he's working really hard as I'm on mat leave. But it's really hurting me, I'm not sure if I'm just being emotional or if he's being really unreasonable. It's been Christmas and stuff too, so obviously people are out more.
But this week, he went out New Year's Eve and I'd said I didn't mind but I'd have liked him to stay in with me. Then he went for a few New Year's Day. Stayed in Wednesday but wasn't back from work till late anyway, football and drinks Thursday then out Friday and Saturday night. We've been for a walk round the park earlier and it was lovely, got back and I sat down to feed Ds, he comes in the room 5 minutes later saying he's meeting his mate for a few in the pub.

When I've mentioned it he's said "well there's no point us both staying in, and you'll only want to go to sleep soon" or words to that effect. Friday he'd bathed Ds and I was feeding him. I came down and he was ready to go out, I said "that Ds was asleep and I was really hoping we could spend some time together" he replied "oh you should have said" came and started kissing me as if I meant I wanted sex. When I said I meant watch a film with a glass of wine and relax first he went off on his night out instead.
He's like a completely different person to before and I get that I'm not the best company right now, but I'm breastfeeding and busy with Ds and surely he should understand that.

I don't think anything else is going on, he's where he says he is and quite often he's only out for a few. He's not spending loads although it's adding up a bit. He's good with Ds when he's with him, helps through the night etc and up until this he's always been a really good partner.
I'm starting to feel like he just doesn't want to spend time with me and that's really hurting.
I'm not sure what to say though as when I mention it he just says there's no point us both staying in and I'm usually asleep soon anyway.

Sit down and talk it out. Have your say and also listen. There are two sides to everything. But be clear on what is and isn't acceptable and if needs be, tell him to grow up and get on board with his current situation or there are going to be some more changes.

Good on you for giving him the chance to talk.

You need to be honest with him but calm too - he's a father now and he needs to act like one, not bugger off to the pub all the time.

Maybe he's overwhelmed/jealous whatever - tough! Baby is here now - he needs to grow a pair and act like a responsible adult. Good luck, hope it goes OK.

Well he was home on time so that's a good start. He'd brought me flowers and he's making dinner now. We're going to sit down and talk when Ds goes down. He apologised again when he got in and said "I didn't know it was upsetting you so much, why haven't you said anything". I have mentioned it, but before Ds I'd have probably just said "what the fuck you playing at". That maybe hasn't helped, and he's thought I've not been too bothered. But a new baby the last thing I wanted was shouting and arguing.

I've made some notes about what I want to say, thanks for that tip. I do tend to forget the details when we start talking and then remember things I meant to say afterwards.

That's good. Before your update I was going to say take it easy and not to get riled up by pp here.

He sounds like a good man asides from this and he's acknowledged your concerns.

Hope it gets sorted!

He was firstly very apologetic and shocked and upset that I'd actually considered going to my mums. He said it's definitely not been about his feelings for me and Ds he loves us both and all that.
But then I felt he got a bit blamey? I'm not sure if I'm being silly, I'm quite tired and it's been quite an emotional night.
He said he doesn't feel I'm bothered about him and he genuinely thought him going out was ok with me because I wasn't bothered. He said I don't listen to him or take his opinions on board in regards to Ds, that I show no interest in him or ask how is day has been.
I really don't think I'm like that. The only examples he could give was Christmas when he said I spent the whole time talking to his mum about Ds, but she was asking! And Sunday at the park I apparently interrupted him telling me something to ask if he thought Ds felt hot.

I did say if he's been feeling like this he should have spoke to me, rather than just going out. He agreed, but also said the same applies to me and I should have said it was upsetting me.
I guess we just need to communicate better.

Oh FFS
What a precious fucking snowflake he is
PPs were right, it's a jealousy thing, he is jealous about not getting all your attention any more
What an immature prick

Men are a bit dense to feeling sometimes. I think you both maybe need to communicate better and hopefully it will make things easier in future.
I don't think your other half is as bad as some people have made him out to be. Insensitive yes, a bit selfish yes but now you've spoken hopefully things will improve.

Don't let him blame you for his own poor behaviour.

He is now a father of a small baby, why didn't he think for himself that he needed to be at home supporting his wife and baby?

If you accept the blame he is trying to burden you with, he will see it as enabling his own extremely selfish behaviour, and it will give him the excuse he wants to carry on doing it.

Oh FFS
What a precious fucking snowflake he is
PPs were right, it's a jealousy thing, he is jealous about not getting all your attention any more
What an immature prick

Just in case you didn’t see @AnotherEmma’s post, I’m leaving it here, in bold.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

Yeh, sorry OP, that's bollocks. For one thing your whole problem was feeling like he wasn't bothered about you anymore, but you haven't gone out every night as a response to that, have you. Why? Because you have a baby to care for. You don't stay in every night because you feel super loved by him - you do it because you have a baby to care for. He shouldn't be staying in to make you feel better - well, he should - but even if it didn't make you feel any better he should still be doing it because he also has a baby to care for.

People without babies get to go out drinking every night when they feel sad and unloved. People with babies have to sit around and feel shit about it at home. Because they have a baby to care for. It ain't fun but that's the reality.

Also, watch out for this tactic in future arguments: "oh, you've come to me with a grievance? Wow, i have the exact same grievance! What a coincidence. I guess we're both as bad as each other. Gosh I'm glad we both got that off our chests. Isn't it great when we can both share the blame." It's a clever move, isn't it. You thought he was in the wrong, but it turns out you're both in the wrong - but you're slightly more in the wrong by making him do it with all that cruel extra attention you're giving your baby.

Sorry OP, I still think he's a twat.

Funny how he’s so thick he can’t understand basic cause and effect, or see his wife and infant and their lives, he needs it spelled out to him? How can such a feeble creature possibly hold down a job or even find his way to the pub? Nah. Stop doubting yourself OP, any thought that starts with ‘ it sure if I’m being a bit-‘ ‘he’s good with the baby when he’s -‘ ‘maybe I am being a bit-‘ NO. Stop allowing this. Raise your standards, your kid doesn’t deserve such a shit stain for a father, he’s not parenting, holding a baby occasionally and using the mother as a masturbatory aid and making disgusting remarks about her body means he is a terrible father and disgusting excuse for a male. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he thinks you’re so stupid a few texts and a pile of dead flowers will shut you up. Grim.

So you’ve both agreed you need to communicate better? How about he acknowledges that if he reacts by going to the pub you are left home alone with the baby every single time, and you don’t do that to him. So you both might need to communicate better, but he also needs to react better. And think more too, as he’s missed this bloody obvious and unfair consequence of his behaviour.

I don't think it's jealousy, I think it's selfishness. Fair enough he may help with the child, but so what? It's his child also.. that's what he's suppose to do. Unfortunately though some men think that the mother just has to now stay at home and always look after the child...and that they deserve to continue living their lives the same way they always have. It's so common... Me and my friends talk about it all the time.. When one of us mentioned it too begin with we discovered we were all on the same boat ⛵! I'm glad to say mines snapped out of it after the first couple of months and he realised I wasn't dealing with that sort of shit any longer.. Give him his warning that it needs to end or you will end the relationship, if he doesn't, you will know that it's not going to change and that you are not a priority of his. Good luck 😘

Oh dear, what a cliche - bung the little lady a bunch of flowers - that'll sort it!

Don't let him twist his running off to the pub all the time into being your fault. It so isn't.

Did you also tell him that his 'baby weight' comments are unacceptable and cruel?

I hope he does realise now that you WILL leave if he doesn't step up and parent his own child in the evenings. Can you get an evening out together ASAP? You deserve being treated very well now. He's got some making up to do.

@GirlOnIt

How long did you know him before you got pregnant?

I did say that he has to realise things have changed and that he should be the person I can talk about Ds as much as I like to, because he should feel the same way. Surely that's how it is when you've got a new baby? He agreed but said if he offers advice or suggestions I don't take it. But the only time he has was to suggest formula because I couldn't express and I don't want to do that and checking on him, he said the monitor was on he was fine, but my hv said I should still pop up and physically check him, he got a very high temp as a tiny baby and we ended up staying in hospital a few days as they couldn't get his temp down or find a cause. The monitor doesn't tell me if he feels hot!

He's promised no more going out and does keep saying he's sorry. I've arranged to meet some friends for lunch on Saturday and he's going to stay home with Ds, so I think that will be good for me and him.

He said the baby weight was a joke and he thought I knew that. But he understands it was insensitive and no way does he think I need to lose weight or don't look good.

We've been together four years and I knew him a year before we got together. It took me a while to fall for him, but he did me from the start. It was the fact he was so lovely though and we got on as friends then I suddenly thought, he's actually quite good looking. If I'm being horrible (which he's making me feel at the moment) I know most of my friends and his think I settled a little with him, purely from a looks point of view. He did worry about that at the start, the fact I didn't initially fancy him, but once we became a couple it's not caused any issues.

Well actions are louder than words. Hopefully he sticks by his words now you had a chat.

"He agreed but said if he offers advice or suggestions I don't take it."

This is a stupid male ego/pride thing. You are the baby's primary caregiver and he needs to trust that sometimes you will know best. That's fine. It's only by looking after the baby by himself that he will begin to learn. Meanwhile he needs to support you and participate in parenting without insisting on overriding your better judgement.

I think some posters are being too harsh about your DP. Only time will tell, but I remember having problems in our relationship in both adjusting when we had our DD. The real test is now that you have spoken whether he changes his behaviour but I don't think it is a case of 'LTB' just yet.

I think he’s just not quite mature enough (unlike you) for the baby. He’s jealous as all focus on DS and going out so he can feel free. But he clearly loves you and you him so i’m sure it will be fine once he adjusts and grows up. It’ll get better once DS bit older and more interactive.

I've no plans to leave him yet. He's really not like this normally and I know we didn't have a baby before so it's how he is now we do that matters. He has been working a lot so we can afford for me to take a year off and money is share equally. He pulls his weight with chores round the house. He gets up through the night to change Ds and will stay awake while I feed him if I'm feeling really tired, he copes better with lack of sleep than me and sometimes I really struggle to stay awake while feeding and I worry that's not safe.

I'm not defending him, just trying to give a more equal picture. I obviously posted about the stuff he's doing wrong but he does do some stuff right too. I'm not saying he's amazing or anything it's all stuff he should be doing tbh.

I think he knows I'm serious and the going out needs to be cut back drastically!

I think as well, he's never had to reassure me or anything. I'd say I've always been quite confident and if I'm not happy with something I'd tell him. Obviously a baby is a massive change and none of my friends have dc yet so I feel a bit lost and alone. I really don't think he'd realised that at all until we spoke.

One of his friends is getting married in the summer and I've heard from another friends girlfriend about the stag do, which is being organised she text to ask if my Dp was going. He hasn't mentioned it and I imagine now he's dreading doing so. I wouldn't mind him doing something like that at all, but I'm interested to how he asks me about it and when.

It's a weekend away and from what I've heard deposits need paying pretty soon.

I think you should encourage the weekend away but for us that would mean you are also 'due' a weekend away yourself (of course once breast feeding allows). It's good to have things like that to look forward to but day-to-day he needs to be home unless he's agreed otherwise with you. My DP still checks with me when he plans evenings our well in advance as a matter of respect, and our DD is 9y.o!