DP out all the time since baby was born.

[GirlOnIt]

Ds wasn't planned, I'm mid twenties Dp late twenties. Once we got used to the idea we were both happy. Dp was great while I was pregnant and a great partner before Ds.
But since his arrival he's out all the time. Before we both had a few evenings out with friends after work, usually one weekend night with friends and one together, we might go out or stay in. He's never been a huge drinker or party animal or anything, which is why this has shocked me so much. Ds is three months and he's hardly stayed in. He's not going on massive benders or anything and he's usually going after Ds is in bed. He pulls his weight with stuff round the house and he's working really hard as I'm on mat leave. But it's really hurting me, I'm not sure if I'm just being emotional or if he's being really unreasonable. It's been Christmas and stuff too, so obviously people are out more.
But this week, he went out New Year's Eve and I'd said I didn't mind but I'd have liked him to stay in with me. Then he went for a few New Year's Day. Stayed in Wednesday but wasn't back from work till late anyway, football and drinks Thursday then out Friday and Saturday night. We've been for a walk round the park earlier and it was lovely, got back and I sat down to feed Ds, he comes in the room 5 minutes later saying he's meeting his mate for a few in the pub.

When I've mentioned it he's said "well there's no point us both staying in, and you'll only want to go to sleep soon" or words to that effect. Friday he'd bathed Ds and I was feeding him. I came down and he was ready to go out, I said "that Ds was asleep and I was really hoping we could spend some time together" he replied "oh you should have said" came and started kissing me as if I meant I wanted sex. When I said I meant watch a film with a glass of wine and relax first he went off on his night out instead.
He's like a completely different person to before and I get that I'm not the best company right now, but I'm breastfeeding and busy with Ds and surely he should understand that.

I don't think anything else is going on, he's where he says he is and quite often he's only out for a few. He's not spending loads although it's adding up a bit. He's good with Ds when he's with him, helps through the night etc and up until this he's always been a really good partner.
I'm starting to feel like he just doesn't want to spend time with me and that's really hurting.
I'm not sure what to say though as when I mention it he just says there's no point us both staying in and I'm usually asleep soon anyway.

He's not back. But I did tell him not to bother and that his dinner was in the bin.

I know I need a serious conversation with him about it. But it's hard when he won't bloody come home to talk to me.

This would be the crux of why he's not coming home. No hard conversations, no boring parenting duties, no being expected to behave like an adult, just booze, lads, banter, yeh we're all single here, isn't life great, I've not got any responsibilities, I'm still number 1 lalalalala.

Basically he's a selfish immature twat OP and you'd be better off without him.

Lock him out.

Are you certain he's with the friends he says he is, OP? Just seen that he went out about six times in one week - that's just ridiculous. Is there a group that always go to the same pub?

OP, you sound like a lovely person and a really good mum too. Your partner, however, comes across as a total arse: immature and selfish. Tell him to grow up or it’ll just get worse imo. I had 4 beautiful children with a total man child who sounds like your partner and whist I don’t regret having my kids, I do regret putting his feelings before mine eg letting him play football the day after I came home with DS from hospital etc. for example.We are now separated, soon to be divorced. I couldn’t be happier because he’s a rotten dad tbh!

He's a selfish knob! Tell him to not bother coming home.

God absolutely none of this is ok. I say that as a person who also had an unplanned dc with a relatively new partner. Please do not continue to accept this awful treatment from the person who should be doing everything in his power to make your life better and easier and happier. Does he show any sign of recognising what you have sacrificed through a pregnancy, childbirth and the first few months of parenthood? A true partner should be seeking to equal that in any way possible, not slinking off to the pub at every available moment to spend your family's money while you look after the baby on your own. It's great that he joins in for bath time but really you should judge his attempts at parenting by how he manages the tough moments rather than the easy, fun bits.

It's jealousy and immaturity sadly. He isn't at the top of your list anymore so he is sulking. Dickhead.

My DH did the same then was surprised when I didn't want to have sex.

You just need to tell him straight when you see him that it has to stop. He needs to grow up and be a good partner.

Good luck. Read him the riot act.

I had a relative with an ex like this. They didn’t ‘enjoy’ being ‘tied down’ by a baby, so it spurred them to go out more than usual, just to prove to their friends and themselves that they weren’t suddenly tied down. They viewed my relative as the main carer of their baby and sadly not a lot more. They felt that they themselves ‘deserved’ their space; their time and my relatives understanding, meanwhiling not giving her a second thought.

Sadly in my relatives case it led to her ex feeling ‘free’ and he began to meet other care free and childless women, who eventually he left my relative for. She was heartbroken, but went on to marry the nicest guy you could imagine.

Nip it in the bud now. I’d tell my husband ‘no’ personally. I’d say he could go out weekly and spend x amount, but unless it was a special occasion, he’s as responsible for the baby as you are and stays in/saves money. No need for 6 nights out in one week...totally unreasonable.

Good luck op, hope he makes the correct choices and prioritises his family.

He came home, he's a bit drunk so I don't think it's worth talking tonight. He said sorry etc, and I said he needs to come straight home from work tomorrow and we need to talk properly or I'm going to stay at my mums.
I came upstairs and I heard him rustling round the kitchen, must have been finding something to eat. Then he's just come to bed and tried it on! I'm like seriously, you think that's happening. I've sent him to the spare room.

He will treat you as badly as you let him get away with.

I'm going to list the times he's been out like someone suggested and then when he gets home tomorrow we can sit down and talk about it. I'm actually thinking that there's no going out for the next few weeks, although I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable with that. I think each time he's going out his mates talking about the next night and that's encouraging him too. But maybe suggest we ask my mummy or his to come one night and we can go for a few drinks or dinner once Ds is in bed. If we stay local they can call if he gets unsettled and they've both been asking to have him.

That's if he comes straight home. If not I'll be packing some stuff and going to my mums.

Oh, don't know why I typed mummy not mum. I do not call my mum, mummy!

He's being an ass to you since the baby has been born,and it's not just the going out.

It's like he doesn't really know what it means to care and love a baby too, because why is he huffing and puffing when you have to attend to the baby, or talk about the baby?

Also, the going out is far too much, even for someone just in a relationship, he's leaving you alone all the time, but now you have a young baby and is leaving the two of you, it's excessive.

Is he meeting women in these bars with his single friends? If a group of single men are going out and drinking, I doubt there are never any women around them at the same time.

He just sounds like an ass to come back with you and then go and get dressed to go out yet again.

You say he likes bath time, but there's more to being a parent and it involves getting up to see the baby when you're watching a film and having to stay home, and sleep.
It sounds like he wants only certain parts of being a father and not really any responsibility.

He is being crap, you're right. I think I just needed someone else to tell me that. Each time I've mentioned it he's had excuses and because he was being good otherwise, he's not coming home drunk and a lot of the time it was just for a few, I've been second hurt myself if it was that bad!

Reminded him as he left for work that he needs to be home to talk tonight and he said he will. I'm thinking though the bigger issue is if he wants to spend time with me, stamping my feet and saying he doesn't go out won't do any good if he doesn't actually want to be in with me. I just don't get it, he's been a fantastic partner for 4+ years.
Don't think there's any women or anything, I think I'd have heard some rumours he goes to local places, my family and friend go to the same places. There's no other signs to that either.

If he does come home, ask him to be completely honest as to why he feels he needs to be out all the time without you. Make sure he knows how unfair this is, and don't minimise how it makes you feel.

Tell him it cannot continue, and you need time to yourself too, as well as time together with him - or you go your separate ways. This may wake him up!

My marriage was brilliant until we was born. He couldn't bear to be around us and just never came home- he went out drinking after work. There was one line you said "well, there's no point" which was exactly what he used to say.
We split up when we was 4. Get it sorted out quickly!

I'm thinking though the bigger issue is if he wants to spend time with me, stamping my feet and saying he doesn't go out won't do any good if he doesn't actually want to be in with me.

You don't have to stamp your feet or tell him what to do.

Say you need a chat, ask him why his behaviour has changed so much so suddenly. Say he never used to go out as much and now the baby is here he keeps leaving you both and say you're finding it isolating at a time where you could spend time together as a little unit.

Ask him to tell you why he wants to be out all the time, it doesn't have to be accusatory (even if he is being an ass), but try to get him to talk.

You'll know more about it by what he says to you and acts towards you.

Oh, and ask him how he'd feel if the situation was reversed and YOU were out most evenings, while he stayed in with baby.

Sorry you are going through this OP :( hope the talk goes well and it gives him a wake up call. It doesnt sound like much of an relationship at the moment.

Be honest with him and asked him why he is being so different? It's such a change and sounds like jealousy.

He's says he'll be home for 5 and he's calling for stuff for dinner so he'll cook! Had quite a few nice text messages from him today, just asking what me and Ds are up to and that he misses us etc.
I know that's because he knows I'm mad at him though. Will see what he's got to say for himself tonight. But I've been thinking about it all day and I'm just feeling angrier and angrier. I've been quite tempted to just go to my mums anyway, he'll probably be so busy out with his mates he wouldn't even notice we'd gone.

Well it seems like he is willing to make an effort today so hopefully he is open to you both having a good talk and sorting a few things out. HOpefully he realises he has been an idiot.

Stay strong and don't give in to his excuses! X

I can understand why you want to go to your mums, but I'd sit and have the talk with him first. Yeah he's being nice because he knows you're pissed off with him! he didn't miss you and baby when he was out all those evenings, did he?

Write down the key points so you remember them - so easy to get confused when you're angry and forget things you wanted to say

It's not fair he gets to go out all the time, while you're stuck in with the baby.

He is now a parent, he can't act like a single man

He can't expect sex on tap after treating you like this

Equal time out of the house, time out together, evenings in together

Cut down on the drinking. It's not healthy to drink several evenings a week and is taking away family money.

NO mention of 'baby weight'. No adult should need telling about this, but it seems he does.

You are not there just as a childminder, housewife and sex toy. You should be a partnership. You want your own life too, and are not there merely to facilitate his.