How would you tell your partner that their clothes don’t cover their body?

[Holidayshopping]

My DH is v overweight. That in itself is one issue, he talks about losing weight, won’t go to SW and has v poor eating habits-eats too fast, eats toast and cereal late at night, boredom eats, says he’s not good at being hungry etc. I want him to lose weight (family history of heart attacks at a young age) but he hasn’t yet done much about it. He is nearly 50 and has been overweight for years.

What others me massively-other than the obviously horrible thought of his dying is the way he looks. I hate myself for being superficial, but I am actually embarrassed by him.

He has a very large stomach. His jeans do up under his stomach (buys a 42 waist but they are straining) but there’s nothing to properly hold them up (his belt doesn’t do much) and whenever he bends over or lifts his arms-we all get a massive glimpse of the overhang of his stomach or a massive arse crack. I find it physically a total turn off and I’m married to him-Christ knows what total strangers think. I’m not talking a little bit, I’ll try to attach a photo of what I mean. This isn’t him, and he’s not as big as this, but think along those lines.

I have bought him longer tops and jumpers but they either aren’t long enough or he doesn’t wear them because they’re too big and he feels silly. When he talks to me, my eyes are drawn to his massive stomach hanging out visibly under his jeans and he moans-‘what’s wrong, what are you looking at?’ I don’t know if he knows what the rest of us see or if he doesn’t care. I don’t know what to say any more. When I suggest he needs longer tops, he says he doesn’t, just needs to lose weight-but then doesn’t lose weight. He’s been saying it for years.

It annoys me that I have had several babies and although not perfect, weigh about the same as I did when we met. I make an effort with my appearance and try to look nice and stay in shape, yet he thinks it’s acceptable to look like this-it’s like he has no self respect. I know he is miserable (perhaps depressed) about being overweight, so need to tread carefully and I’m aware that if I were a man posting about his overweight wife, I would probably get a different response. People might say that I married him, I should just put up with it.

I can’t though.

How can I address this tactfully, without a response of ‘I can’t believe that’s what you think I look like’ etc

I think you might need to be brutally honest with him, does he ever see photos of himself ? Maybe if he saw a very unflattering picture he would shift his bum into action ?

I'm not sure you can op. At the end of the day it's his body and his choice.

I'd be honest too. Tbh I wouldn't have let it get to that stage before I said anything.

Whether it makes me shallow or not, I just couldn't fancy my DH if he let himself get that way.

But if he wants to loose weight and regain his health, I'd be very helpful and supportive and help him stick to his goals and exercise etc.

I don't think there is a tactful way - I guess it's a question of whether it bothers you enough (looks + health) to merit the likely fall out from a harsh conversation.

For what it's worth, I won't be flaming you. I married my husband knowing we'd both age and all the associated issues that brings, but barring a medical (incl MH) condition making weight gain inevitable I wouldn't feel the same if DH was that overweight and not willing to do anything about it.

It might be better to simplify things:

This is not about your DH. This is about you and where you draw the line about what you will tolerate, and what you will not tolerate.

Your DH's weight is his concern. He's an adult (or at least he's adult-aged: that kind of over-eating means he is in a regressed state, and food is his surrogate form of comfort). This is his decision to make.

Your decision is whether you can be with someone about whom you feel the way you do if they choose to stay the way they are.

If he is not going to lose weight, then he needs to learn to dress well for the weight he is at. It will make him look better even if he is still overweight. It is possible to find trousers that are large enough and will not expose his belly and arse.

A shopping trip won't solve the bigger issue of you being turned off by his weight gain, though.

Instead of longer tops, would he go for higher waisted trousers? So they do up over his stomach instead of under it. Then it doesn’t matter if his top rises, or he bends over, because the fat will be contained by his jeans.

If he is not going to lose weight, then he needs to learn to dress well for the weight he is at. It will make him look better even if he is still overweight. It is possible to find trousers that are large enough and will not expose his belly and arse.

I think this is what he needs to do. I just don’t know how to go about it.

Does the way he looks affect your sex life?
It’d mine. I’d have lost attraction to a man who looks like that - especially when it’s a choice and not a medical condition.
It’s not about being shallow - it’s just a physical thing. I’d expect the same of my partner if I got to this stage.

OP - I hope you aren’t forcing yourself into anything physical to spare his feelings.

But as to what i’d Do in your place. I’d be honest and direct. And stick to it. Because for me - this sort of lack of self care would mean that he doesn’t care about not only himself, but our future together.
And - i’f definitely not let him touch me while I felt repulsed by him.

My ex once told me that I didn't look nice squeezed into what I'm wearing, and that my face was too orange. Both hurt but made me do something about it. Ironically he's reverted back to being a bit on the larger side and his wife is also very heavy - he was always so looks orientated. But I'm glad he told me (and that he's my ex).

My husband is exactly the same shape. Ge also says he is going to loose weight but has only manage to fluctuate between a 42-48inch waist. He has had the belly showing problem in the past. I find a jeans size bigger can sometimes help. Otherwise it's more in the top. My DH rarely wears T-shirts as the belly look is almost inevitable. He has shirts from big and tall companies such as jacamo. These seem to be generally a little longer in length as they size up. He also wears a lot of Joesph turner rugby shirts- they are expensive but last for years. I try and buy them in the sales. You can also get super long (ie knee length!!) T-shirt's he wears tucked in with a open shirt over the top. Something a little too big always looks better than squeezing into something from the high street. The only high street stuff I can buy is from mantaray in debenhams. Hope this helps. If you manage to help him to loose weight please let me know how!

I would sit him down and tell him. Be as kind as you cash, but also be honest.
As a PP has said, isn't this putting you off him physically?
I'm overweight but I know I am and wear clothes that fit me. I'm currently losing weight.

Did you just post a pic of your oh's belly (Or anyone else for that matter) for is all to shame him?

Why did this make me laugh so much? Think I must be a horrible person.

I reckon it is easier to hear 'Your clothing does not fit/suit' than to hear 'You are too fat'. If he accepts that he needs a wardrobe update, then okay. You can Google dressing well when overweight and identify shops that will carry the correct sizes.

But if he won't accept that there is a problem - and there is, because his wife is put off by this - then maybe it's time for couples counselling.

I’m aware that if I were a man posting about his overweight wife, I would probably get a different response

You're right, it certainly would.
I feel sorry for your husband, you said yourself you think he may be depressed over it,^ why haven't you tried to help him before it's gotten this bad, to the point your embarrassed^ by him?

Why did this make me laugh so much?

I don’t know what to say to that.

Did you just post a pic of your oh's belly (Or anyone else for that matter) for is all to shame him?

I honestly didn’t-I was just trying to explain the problem and sometimes a picture helps. Sorry.

@Whattheladybirdsaidnext

Thank you for your reply-it’s good to know I’m not alone. What size does he buy-I will have a look at Mantaray. I’ve been buying thin lambswool type fine knit xxl and now xxxl jumpers from Tesco/Marks but they seem to shrink or just be too tight. I think a longer slightly chunky knit (but not too studenty) style might be better. Feel free to PM me if you want.

why haven't you tried to help him before it's gotten this bad, to the point your embarrassed by him?

I’ve tried to help countless times over the years- healthy eating, have joined SW to lose a few pounds (he wouldn’t come with me, but ate the foods I made), suggested exercising together, had discussions, suggested and for him to book health checks (GP says he’s v overweight but not an imminent risk of a heart attack), gone shopping with him to get new clothes. I have tried-this isn’t the first time it’s been mentioned.

Holiday ironically I've just posted on another thread how I don't find overweight men attractive but here's the rub, my OH is getting fat. I've also recently gained 5lb and discovered I can't do my skinny jeans up comfortably so I'm actually on a diet for the first time in my life.
My partner says he's going to lose weight so I thought this would be an ideal opportunity for us both to tackle our weight but on the two occasions we saw each other this week immediately after finishing dinner he was shovelling crisps into his mouth.
Then last night we went for an Indian meal he came home and immediately ate a large pack of pork fucking scratchings FFS.
Its actually making me quite angry.

I just tell him.

Mind you, DP knows his belly pokes out sometimes, that's why he gets extra-long t-shirts.

DP similarly tells me if I'm showing more than is sensible (or if the outfit is a little bit 'elastic band on a sausage') - we're both adults, we're both fully aware of our bodies, and at peace with it though. If someone's a bit sensitive, then you're going to have to be more delicate about it

Tread carefully OP
My husband felt the same as you about my weight. I was never a skinny mini but put on weight after we were married. He said he no longer felt attracted to me and that he was embarrassed to be seen by me.
He too claimed he was helping me e.g paying for a personal trainer etc but ultimately he was judging me by appearance and it really hurt. You expect your partner to love you for who you but he didn’t, This led to me becoming incredible insecure and anxious which led me to comfort ear- to be honest I think it was a bit of fuck you kind of behaviour.
I’m sure your husband is absolutely aware of how you feel and I can guarantee he feels shit about himself and his weight. The weight is never the problem- there is always an underlying cause e.g depression, low self esteem and that is what need to be addressed rather than focusing on my weight.

My marriage never recovered from husbands problem with my weight. We are currently getting a divorce,

He doesn't wear fine knits or jumpers. They cling too much and make him look bigger. Mantaray- xxxl I think. Basically- as big as they go. I think trousers 44? Don't think they go as far as 46. He wears them slung under the belly too. I generally just tell him if his belly shows (literally by poking and saying your belly is hanging out.... reading this now I feel bad and like I should be kinder!) because he is usually wearing a shirt we also have to keep a close eye out for gaping buttons too.

I want to point out here- I love my big man. His belly doesn't bother me and sex is fantastic. I worry about his health. I want him to loose weight so he is happy and healthy.

I'm sorry that it ended that way for you why maybe I am being judgey but I cannot stand greed and watching someone eat pork scratchings after a 3 course meal is plain fucking greedy.