How would you tell your partner that their clothes don’t cover their body?

[Holidayshopping]

My DH is v overweight. That in itself is one issue, he talks about losing weight, won’t go to SW and has v poor eating habits-eats too fast, eats toast and cereal late at night, boredom eats, says he’s not good at being hungry etc. I want him to lose weight (family history of heart attacks at a young age) but he hasn’t yet done much about it. He is nearly 50 and has been overweight for years.

What others me massively-other than the obviously horrible thought of his dying is the way he looks. I hate myself for being superficial, but I am actually embarrassed by him.

He has a very large stomach. His jeans do up under his stomach (buys a 42 waist but they are straining) but there’s nothing to properly hold them up (his belt doesn’t do much) and whenever he bends over or lifts his arms-we all get a massive glimpse of the overhang of his stomach or a massive arse crack. I find it physically a total turn off and I’m married to him-Christ knows what total strangers think. I’m not talking a little bit, I’ll try to attach a photo of what I mean. This isn’t him, and he’s not as big as this, but think along those lines.

I have bought him longer tops and jumpers but they either aren’t long enough or he doesn’t wear them because they’re too big and he feels silly. When he talks to me, my eyes are drawn to his massive stomach hanging out visibly under his jeans and he moans-‘what’s wrong, what are you looking at?’ I don’t know if he knows what the rest of us see or if he doesn’t care. I don’t know what to say any more. When I suggest he needs longer tops, he says he doesn’t, just needs to lose weight-but then doesn’t lose weight. He’s been saying it for years.

It annoys me that I have had several babies and although not perfect, weigh about the same as I did when we met. I make an effort with my appearance and try to look nice and stay in shape, yet he thinks it’s acceptable to look like this-it’s like he has no self respect. I know he is miserable (perhaps depressed) about being overweight, so need to tread carefully and I’m aware that if I were a man posting about his overweight wife, I would probably get a different response. People might say that I married him, I should just put up with it.

I can’t though.

How can I address this tactfully, without a response of ‘I can’t believe that’s what you think I look like’ etc

@Whattheladybirdsaidnext thank you-your posts have been really helpful. I might steer him towards shirts which are longer. Or thicker jumpers.

It’s less that he’s overweight and more that he looks awful in his clothes that’s the problem.

Extra thought while I'm here... mantaray jeans - relaxed fit- any thing tighter on the legs doesn't look good, or cargo pants. Also work well. Realistically you will probably have to order on line, the shops are very limited in their big and tall options. And if it isn't big and tall it will probably be shorter in length.

It is perfectly possible to love a person for who they are and not what they look like. I do not find fat sexually attractive. I am very sympathetic with the OP as my DH weighs about 3-4 stone more than when we met, and it is not a good look. He keeps trying to squeeze into clothes that are too tight, as he won't recognise that he is no longer the same shape/size at 45 that he was at 28. And I do find it off putting. Although I have changed shape post kids, I am far closer in size to when we first met, am still well within healthy weight range for size and have adjusted what I wear to better suit a more mature shape. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect one's partner of either sex to do their best to look after their body. I am not suggesting everyone needs to be gym bunnies until death, but just take basic care not to completely let yourself go.

He needs to wear bigger trousers.

His waist is around his belly button.

Take him to a proper gents outfitters, where they can properly measure him for a pair that fits.

Maybe that'll bring home how big he is.

I’d say it as more of a passing comment. But I’ve always liked men who are bigger/overweight than they are skinny - though I appreciate there’s a line where it can go beyond just overweight and actually dangerous

I’d also do it gradually and not make a big deal out of it - speak from experience!

I wouldn’t mention his weight at all. He knows he’s overweight. I’d talk about him looking scruffy and needing /deserving nice new clothes. I’d say the same to a woman partner bursting out of their clothes too.
If he’s comfort eating cause he doesn’t like the way he looks then hopefully new clothes will help too.

This is a sad situation OP.

I think the time has really come to be brutally honest with him. Tell him the way he dresses and the weight he’s gained is affecting your attraction to him, you know he can only lose weight for himself but you want him to know this now so he doesn’t feel it’s sprang on him down the line when it’s too late.

If my partner felt this way about me and I was overweight I would prefer him to tell me and feel a bit hurt than to end up breaking up because he no longer saw me in a sexual way as an attractive woman he fancied.

How are things sexually between you, if you don’t mind me asking?

Larger trousers, vests and real shirts look better than t-shirts over large bellies!

It’s actually so difficult to know what to do-some of you are suggesting doing it gradually and suggesting new clothes, others are saying to be brutally honest and tell him.

Physical side of things isn’t great.

What to do really depends on what you want to happen and what you think will get him there. You know him.

My partner, put on about 10kg last year, due to some stresses in his life. Initially, when he started putting on weight, I told him not to worry, and that it’s understandable. And it really didn’t matter initially, because I do love him.

But at the same time, I did say, that at some point, it might affect my physical attractiveness. He asked me to give him a warning if it was getting there.
And I did.
He knew it was getting bad himself and I think me also telling him helped him wake up.

To me this is a healthy attitude. Both people in a relationship need to take care of themselves.
It’s all great to say - one must love the other regardless.
Physical, animal connection is as important as the mind connection. And needs to be nurtured.

To me, failure to keep weight within some limits - the other finds attractive - is no different to making sure we don’t stink, and wear nice clothes. It’s the effort to look ok/nice/attractive for the other person.

I think you’ve been doing it slowly and gradually already, right? And it hasn’t helped?

Screw that, it just puts your marriage at greater risk as more time will pass, you’ll feel less attracted and more disconnected, he’ll probably continue to gain weight and it’ll be even harder to come back from.

Sounds like he's a bit in denial. Take him clothes shopping, nothing like 3-d fitting rooms mirrors. I'm fat, I never realise it until I do something like this. I do quite a lot of fitness stuff tho and feel pretty good.

Ironically, my DH started showing an interest in fitness and came along with me to a new gym. He weighs feck all but I hadn't realised he'd got quite frail due to muscle loss due to aging. He's lost 10% bf and is still the same weight, looks a lot more solid.

Maybe the way to go is weights and stuff, so he gets a better body comp, rather than the dieting, which is miserable.

I'm watching with interest because my DH (aged 60) is in the same situation. I could have written the OP myself.
He knows he's overweight. I'm still very much in love with him and his looks don't bother me in the slightest. I get embarrassed for him because I wonder what people are thinking when they see his bare overhang. I tell him occasionally but not very often. Winter clothes are easier to hide things.
I think he looks better in a buttoned shirt but he hates tucking them in (as he has to "keep tucking in the trousers all day") so wears tshirts from Gap, Next.
@Whattheladybirdsaidnext thank you for your posts. I'll look into those brands too. If you can think of anything else I'd be very grateful.

Before anyone blasts me for my comment about "doesn't bother me in the slightest" I suppose I'm referring to sex and physical attraction. When we're on our own i don't even register overhang etc.

Lose lose lose lose lose lose lose

You lose weight. You don't loose weight.

I see it about 20 times a day on here and it irrationally winds me up.

L.o.s.e. Lose!

I have no other tips I'm afraid. All his clothes come from the same couple of places. I will look at where the super long T-shirt's come from. They are ridiculously long, so need tucking, (but don't untuck because of the length) they are really for layering only. There are a lot of big tall companies out there, I like mantaray as it suits his style. I think I mentioned jacamo.... bigfish, bigtallmenswear? I think my biggest tip is when you are shopping for a larger man (chest size is prob around 54-55, trouser between 44-48 right now depending on shop and trouser fit) is very few high street stores will work. Unless your man is large because he is fit and muscle bound, a sized up from regular shirt somehow doesn't fit- it clings or more commonly it is too short. High street shops with big and tall departments (a self conscious man may prefer a regular shop label?) or a specific b&t brand fits better because it has been designed with enough length to cover the belly. Almost like women's ranges which are tall or petite- they proportions are different. I would consider the rugby shirts for winter- that is one of my few exceptions to this rule!! Wait for a discount code though, and be picky- not all of them are the same fabric, some cling and aren't flattering. I usually wait for a code, buy one in every pattern, then return what we don't need. The return policy is very good. Jacamo are good for discount codes too. Dh is also very heavy on shoes. When he finds something good (shoes or clothes) we get several usually in different colours because it can be such a challenge.

Huge post. Sorry.

I know how you feel, OP. My DH is similar. He's very tall & people are often shocked when he mentions how much he weighs. TBH he carries a lot of muscle, but, he also carries a lot of excess chubbiness. Especially around the middle. When I gave birth his BMI was a little over 40, it's now around 33. We've joined a gym together (massive progress that he even consented to join!) However he has mobility issues (both knees a bit knackered, he has a lot of pain, surgery in one only partly resolved the issue but it was long overdue & a lot of the damage was just not possible to repair).

Our sex life dwindled to practically zero after I gave birth. Horrible pregnancy, horrible labour, & I am just less attracted to him now. Plus, I am in a lot of pain myself due to a chronic illness.

What worries me most is the prospect of him dying young. He's a terrible sugar addict, & can eat mountains of carby fatty processed food, with barely a vegetable in sight. I suspect it's just a matter of time before he develops T2 diabetes. I try not to think about it because I just want to cry.

The RM- does he have to tuck his shirts in?
Can he not leave them loose? It's more flattering! Charles tyrwitt do good formal shirts btw.

I know what I meant to say!! Get him to iron anything crumpled or particularly button up shirts. Sometimes that creates extra length!

Seriously, Brainache. Did you really just come onto the thread to post that? How helpful of you.

Poor guy, it must be horrible to be trapped inside a big body. I wish my dh would put on a bit of weight (he’s super skinny and favours smoking over eating in the daytime). No bodied perfect.

Big tee shirt.co.uk. Size I'm looking at is 3XLT. Holding it up to me it reaches my knees (I'm 5"7) DH is 6"1.

My dh is 6'4" and has weighed 25 stone in the past, he has an overhang but I'm the only person who ever sees it. It is not inevitable!
He wears his jeans or trousers under the belly with a button up shirt or a rugby shirt, almost always tucked in as they flap about too much at the back if untucked.
He can get 3XL rugby shirts or polo shirts cheaply from Lovells who are a rugby supplier, he can't shop on the high street but also finds Charles Tyrwhitt excellent for proper shirts.
Whatever size a person is they need to dress appropriately