How would you tell your partner that their clothes don’t cover their body?

[Holidayshopping]

My DH is v overweight. That in itself is one issue, he talks about losing weight, won’t go to SW and has v poor eating habits-eats too fast, eats toast and cereal late at night, boredom eats, says he’s not good at being hungry etc. I want him to lose weight (family history of heart attacks at a young age) but he hasn’t yet done much about it. He is nearly 50 and has been overweight for years.

What others me massively-other than the obviously horrible thought of his dying is the way he looks. I hate myself for being superficial, but I am actually embarrassed by him.

He has a very large stomach. His jeans do up under his stomach (buys a 42 waist but they are straining) but there’s nothing to properly hold them up (his belt doesn’t do much) and whenever he bends over or lifts his arms-we all get a massive glimpse of the overhang of his stomach or a massive arse crack. I find it physically a total turn off and I’m married to him-Christ knows what total strangers think. I’m not talking a little bit, I’ll try to attach a photo of what I mean. This isn’t him, and he’s not as big as this, but think along those lines.

I have bought him longer tops and jumpers but they either aren’t long enough or he doesn’t wear them because they’re too big and he feels silly. When he talks to me, my eyes are drawn to his massive stomach hanging out visibly under his jeans and he moans-‘what’s wrong, what are you looking at?’ I don’t know if he knows what the rest of us see or if he doesn’t care. I don’t know what to say any more. When I suggest he needs longer tops, he says he doesn’t, just needs to lose weight-but then doesn’t lose weight. He’s been saying it for years.

It annoys me that I have had several babies and although not perfect, weigh about the same as I did when we met. I make an effort with my appearance and try to look nice and stay in shape, yet he thinks it’s acceptable to look like this-it’s like he has no self respect. I know he is miserable (perhaps depressed) about being overweight, so need to tread carefully and I’m aware that if I were a man posting about his overweight wife, I would probably get a different response. People might say that I married him, I should just put up with it.

I can’t though.

How can I address this tactfully, without a response of ‘I can’t believe that’s what you think I look like’ etc

@Whattheladybirdsaidnext

The RM- does he have to tuck his shirts in?
Can he not leave them loose?

DH looks much better with things out but hates it when they are too long and flap around his legs. Yet goes too far the other way and wears things too short.

Before my DH lost weight his t shirts would ride up exposing his stomach, I tried to be lighthearted and said it looked very toddlerish. Eventually I had to be brutally honest and explain how awful he looked. I suggested that buying flattering properly fitting clothes would instantly make him look slimmer. He was always reluctant to as he wanted to slim down. Eventually he bought much more flattering clothes and I think this made him feel better about himself as he has lost a lot of weight and it is now sticking.

My DH is just a gnat's whisker under 6'4", user. I'll be checking out some of the recommendations for clothing suppliers on this thread as, TBH, I know that part of the reason DH doesn't take any interest in clothes is that he doesn't feel there's a lot that fits properly. Before he got overweight (used to play a lot of sports) he was really fit & he looked like he was on steroids, I've seen photos, the difference is astonishing. I think he possibly just never got used to the fact that he couldn't eat as much if he wasn't training any more. And it snowballed.

zzzzz if someone’s weight gain is causing their partner to lose attraction then yes, it’s worth addressing.

Not that gaining weight over a period of time as a man is the same as a woman being left with excess skin from the physical trauma of pregnancy and childbirth.

@zzzzz

Well, it’s exacrly the point here.
He didn’t have anything happened to his body other than his own over-eating. No?

If my DP wears a t shirt that's too short I just say "Why are you wearing that thing again? It shows your belly!" Then I make sure I chuck it in the bin later.

OP why don't you start with the new clothes/getting measured up properly option as a softly softly approach and see if that motivates him into doing something. If after a few weeks/months nothing has changed, then try the more honest chat. I think saying things to do with disgust/unattractiveness/turn off probably isn't a good idea though if you don't want him to hold it against you. He may lose the weight but then blame you further down the line for being too harsh.

Who shops for the food??

If this was a man posting about his DH he would be absolutely annihilated...

@Holidayshopping for balance can you post a pic of yourself? He is nearly 50 and I am regularly told that looks are a minor part of a successful marriage however if you hold a standard for your OH you need to at least adhere to it yourself

@brainache78 glad you said that!

OP my ExH was the same. Totally embarrassing to be out with him. One year he decided for himself that he needed to lose weight. He lost 6 stone in 6 months and looked miles better for it. It then all crept back on. Since splitting up he's taken up running and has lost some weight again. You can't tell him to change. Only he can make that decision. It's whether you can put up with it.

@HirooOnoda I’m not posting a photo of myself on an open forum, no. I didn’t post a photo of my DH either.

For context though, I probably weigh less than I did 25 years ago when we first met and have had 3 babies.

@zzzzz

If he was female and had an apron of loose skin post pregnancy and/or csection would it be ok to be like this about it?

I did say that this would get a different response if it was a woman posting.

The difference here maybe is that I have had multiple c-sections and do not have an apron or overhang because I don’t overeat and stay fit. DH has obviously had no babies so this is purely due to overeating.

So many ignorant opinions here around weight issues

ASOS is great for big and tall clothes, especially longer length tops. And use big models for the photos, so you can see how they style it.

@Report Holidayshopping a fair response

I am simply trying to convey that sometimes we should be thankful for what we have and not sweat the small (or in this case not so small ) stuff

Suggest you do exercise together if it means so much to you but be aware as the years advance your partner will change and so he should - sadly it’s a cruel trick life plays on us all

Suggest you do exercise together if it means so much to you but be aware as the years advance your partner will change and so he should - sadly it’s a cruel trick life plays on us all

I’m only too aware of life’s cruel tricks. His younger brother collapsed and died last year of a heart attack. He was also very overweight.

@Holidayshopping I am very sorry to hear that however it does rather support the point I and other PP have tried to make - life is precious and sadly often too short lived, enjoy your DH for the good man he appears to be and don’t crucify him for growing old, sadly non of us have the cure for that

@HirooOnoda

I’m really not crucifying him for getting old .

Who does the food shop? Id suggest you both healthy meal plan and don't buy snacky food. Stop buying bread all together to get him out of the toast habit. Eat all food at the dinner table. Even a snack piece of fruit. No tv on in the dining zone either. This will stop boredom eating.

How do you keep yourself fit? Can he join you and both do it together?

Has he got a terrible phone habit or a bit of a tv addict? Limit the tv to one hour a night and fill the time doing something active. Maybe start with a board game, and build up to exercise.

@C0untDucku1a

I do the food shop-I don’t buy snacky foods. We have plenty of fruit in the house and the meals we cook are healthy. I think he eats too quick, has bread with everything and eats late at night which don’t help.

I have toast for breakfast and the kids have sandwiches, so it would be tricky to not buy bread. The kids have cereal (Weetabix/Shreddies) and he will eat big bowls of those in the evenings. I tend to go to bed at 11 ish and he stays up till 1/2 on the computer or watching telly and eats then.

You have to get a handle on the shopping. Biscuits, cakes, pork scratchings are out. You do know what you are doing as a SW ex member, so need to start shopping healthily. Do it together. An Indian meal is probably a days limit of calories. Chinese can be juggled around. KFC rice box.

I love these two guys, their recipes are good and their humour fun.

twochubbycubs.com/