How would you tell your partner that their clothes don’t cover their body?

[Holidayshopping]

My DH is v overweight. That in itself is one issue, he talks about losing weight, won’t go to SW and has v poor eating habits-eats too fast, eats toast and cereal late at night, boredom eats, says he’s not good at being hungry etc. I want him to lose weight (family history of heart attacks at a young age) but he hasn’t yet done much about it. He is nearly 50 and has been overweight for years.

What others me massively-other than the obviously horrible thought of his dying is the way he looks. I hate myself for being superficial, but I am actually embarrassed by him.

He has a very large stomach. His jeans do up under his stomach (buys a 42 waist but they are straining) but there’s nothing to properly hold them up (his belt doesn’t do much) and whenever he bends over or lifts his arms-we all get a massive glimpse of the overhang of his stomach or a massive arse crack. I find it physically a total turn off and I’m married to him-Christ knows what total strangers think. I’m not talking a little bit, I’ll try to attach a photo of what I mean. This isn’t him, and he’s not as big as this, but think along those lines.

I have bought him longer tops and jumpers but they either aren’t long enough or he doesn’t wear them because they’re too big and he feels silly. When he talks to me, my eyes are drawn to his massive stomach hanging out visibly under his jeans and he moans-‘what’s wrong, what are you looking at?’ I don’t know if he knows what the rest of us see or if he doesn’t care. I don’t know what to say any more. When I suggest he needs longer tops, he says he doesn’t, just needs to lose weight-but then doesn’t lose weight. He’s been saying it for years.

It annoys me that I have had several babies and although not perfect, weigh about the same as I did when we met. I make an effort with my appearance and try to look nice and stay in shape, yet he thinks it’s acceptable to look like this-it’s like he has no self respect. I know he is miserable (perhaps depressed) about being overweight, so need to tread carefully and I’m aware that if I were a man posting about his overweight wife, I would probably get a different response. People might say that I married him, I should just put up with it.

I can’t though.

How can I address this tactfully, without a response of ‘I can’t believe that’s what you think I look like’ etc

You can't make someone change their diet or take up exercise. You can't make them lose weight. Maybe if they were just a little overweight- as this is more likely to be from some poor habits, lack of knowledge, may be a bit of laziness in the kitchen and generally.

There is something more going on to become significantly overweight/obese and a bit of meal planning and buying in less calorie dense food probably won't work. People eat outside the home. They can still eat extra portions. They can still eat secretly. And if nothing else has changed in their environment and psychologically, why wouldn't they just continue as they were?

OP you can't control your DH. I think your best bet would be letting go of how other people are perceiving you and your DH. They don't matter. You fancy him. You love him. That is enough. But I don't suppose there would be any harm suggesting he tries a new place for clothes or gets them specially made, in the same way there wouldn't be if you had an exceptionally tall DH whose trousers were always biting his ankles (e.g. suggesting longer longer ones or finding a shop specialising in clothes for tall folk).

There is a lot you can do to help DH if he wants help and support from you. If he becomes motivated (truly) to improve his health. It is easy to sabotage these efforts inadvertently when living with someone with food issues. But he must be the driving force behind any significant change.

You have to get a handle on the shopping. Biscuits, cakes, pork scratchings are out

I honestly don’t buy anything like that. It’s bread/cereals he eats. I don’t think it’s my shopping that’s the issue, it’s the quantity of food that he eats.

No cereals then. For breakfast, eggs, bacon, tomatoes, baked beans are much more filling. Give up the bread and buy Ryvita not nearly as moreish.

I know you know this from SW days. It is sickening how quickly men lose the weight compared to women. He will have a stone off in no time.

Ignoring the health aspects and everything else, but purely thinking of clothes, Look on Pinterest for ideas on dressing well for the bigger man.

Tapered jeans with stretch look so much better than baggy styles, also slim fit chinos with stretch. If bought in the correct size, they are really comfortable and slim the silhouette. Marks and Spencer's online do both very well.

Jacamo for shirts, they do plus size and also longer length variations. I prefer the look of a half tuck or open with a tucked in T-shirt underneath. Debenhams online also do a big and tall range.

Big men can dress well, just need to think about what works better, everything needs to be sharp, well ironed, fitted, good shoes etc.

It is portion sizes. Even if the meal is healthy, if you eat more than you need, you will put on weight. Maybe get him to weigh his portion of cereal so he can get a visual on just how much he is overeating by.

Get a portion plate from amazon for meals. Portion up everything very carefully and do eating more than he needs becomes a deliberate action, not passive overeating.

Ask him to come to bed with you. If he is tired he will be less active.

The evenings are hard especially at this time of year. We eat at 7pm which usually sees me through, plate piled up with veg. add that to protein/meat lean and a baked potato.

A friend cooks up pasta and keeps it in the fridge, adds hot spicy sauces like sriracco and low fat mayo, stirs it in and enjoys a bowl full.

Same with my DH. We really do eat well, he just eats a lot! Treats are occasional (well, maybe not so occasional over the last few weeks!). We eat in front of the telly too. (Does it really make THAT much difference, eating in front of the tv/eating fast?). He's pretty active in that he does a lot of heavy duty garden work and diy stuff but doesn't 'exercise' like he used to in his youth.

My ex was like this (we are both women just to clarify). From teens up to and including when we were together she was really overweight. I fancy curvy women but she was morbidly obese and got heavier after we got together and would fluctuate quite a lot. We ended up each getting individual therapy as our relationship was suffering due to other issues but the weight and food related stuff was a big part of the strain of being in the relationship. The relationship ended but I think the therapy was really helpful to us both, separately.

A while after we split up she lost it all and now looks totally different. It made me smile as I realised there was nothing I could have done at the time to make her lose weight - the person has to want to do it for themselves or nothing on this earth will work. If they really want to lose weight and are comitted, nothing on this earth will stop them. I'm delighted for her and hope she stays happy and healthy for many years. And I'm sad that it never happened when we were together as she never wanted to do anything and had relatively little energy. Plus it's hard to date someone with deep-seated food issues who doesn't like themselves. It ends up affecting their partner as well - just from being around it.

What I'm saying is, I think you have to either accept it or leave. There is nothing else you can do. Ironically our split was what started the process of my ex getting healthy. That's irony for you.

Your DH's eating habits are not your problem. You are not responsible for what he consumes.

Until you can digest that, you won't have clarity. Unfortunately, because the decision is out of your hands, decisions are harder. Either accept him, or don't accept him. The weight is his own to handle.

I’ve been thinking about what you’ve all been saying. I’m not a horrible person, really. I love him and do still find him attractive (he is a good looking bloke) despite being this size.

It really is more the way he dresses than the actual weight itself that bothers me. If I was wearing clothes that were desperately unflattering or I was spilling out of, I would expect him to tell me. He has told me before about dresses that did nothing for me and I honestly appreciate that!

This is just about every item of clothing he wears though-it’s not like one too. His stomach hangs out and everyone has seen his arse multiple times a day in everything he wears. DD (8) last week pushed her pyjama bottoms down last week so you could see most of her backside and stuck her tummy right out and shuffled along and said-guess who I am?!

I bought him new clothes for xmas and he said they were too big and baggy.

What your DH is doing is actually more complex than it looks.

He's in denial, yes. But it seems there's also a part of him that wants to be 'caught out' - hence choosing clothing that's entirely inappropriate.

But, again, not yours to sort out.

There was a thread earlier with a guy saying he wanted to see full length shots in dating sites not headshots and he got flames. Double standards as good as ever.

I wouldn't be tactful. I'd just tell him that the way he looks is affecting how I feel about him. I am assuming there is no health condition that is causing this? Not only is it unsightly, it's really bad for his health to be this overweight so I would also say that I was worried about the possibility m of stroke and heart attacks. Sometimes people need a bit of bluntness.

Does anyone really believe there are obese people who don't;

1. Know they're fat
2. Realise that other people would rather they weren't
3. Wish they werent
4. Understand the health implications.

"Health" reasons don't make people obese but complex psychological causes normally exist. Whether you include those under that umbrella or not....

Im not saying any of those things really though.

I work with, am friends with, socialise with and have lived with people who are very overweight. I have never seen any of their stomachs hanging out or their arse cracks.

I don’t want to see his either. I just want him to wear clothes that cover his body.

You expect your partner to love you for who you but he didn’t

That's sadly very unrealistic though.

All the posters suggesting that the OP should limit TV time, not allow snacky foods etc - how exactly do they propose that the OP do this? You cannot prevent another adult doing something if they want to. If it was a man trying to dictate a woman's evening activities & diet, people would be suggesting he was manipulative, or at least questioning his motives. Some would suggest she LTB.

You can shop healthily all you like - but unless the OP is going to descend into financially abusing her DH & cut of his access to money, he will be able to buy unhealthy food if he wants to. Mine does. And he hides it, & thinks I don't know, & that it doesn't matter. I've already told him I don't want another child, which we'd love to have, because I can't risk being a young, disabled widow with 2 children & no family support. And still he won't change his eating habits.

If he was female and had an apron of loose skin post pregnancy and/or csection would it be ok to be like this about it?

I don't expect my partner to find my overhang stomach attractive. It isn't.

My DH was shocked when he saw pics on holiday of himself on the beach. Not as big but it certainly was piling on. He joined the gym & really enjoys it. That was 2 years ago. He is still a bit over weight but much healthier. Good luck, it's so difficult especially when you love someone but really don't fancy them!

Hitting 50 the lesser problems. Hips/knees needing replacing. Diabetes. Sleep apnoea.

You get away with murder until middle age, then the body says enough and starts to rebel.

That would be my concern with my OH. I just cannot think of the serious alternative tis too frightening.

OP I know you recognise you’d be getting a very different response if the genders were the other way around, but can you see why you would?
Trying to change his appearance for your sake is so so controlling. & I’m sure you don’t see it that way & you’re probably otherwise a nice person, but it is.
You have 2 choices: either accept him as he is or leave.
You deserve to be with someone you love.
& he deserves to be loved.
& you don’t treat someone you love like this, not really.
(Oh & fwiw unless he’s eating 2 loaves of bread a day, bread and cereal alone won’t make him out on that much weight. There’s either an underlying medical reason or he’s secretly eating other things too)

My dh was very overweight. 19 stone so he ordered a suit from China waist 50. When it came he looked like one of Laurel and Hardy. True. Sad but so funny looking back. He has now lost some of the weight.

Op there is a lot of focus on his appearance and healthy eating - which is fair enough.
But not really a focus on why he’s overweight. Maybe he’s not happy at work or not happy with your marriage?
You said in your original post that you think he depressed and maybe that’s what you need to discuss with him ( rather than his weight) because if he doesn’t feel good about himself he won’t be motivated to eat well and exercise.

Also you keep saying that you just want him to wear more appropriate clothes but that actually won’t solve the problem- just (literally) cover it up.

So you need to be honest with yourself as previous posters have said- is this something you can live with?

He had been in denial up to that point. Because it was easier. He had various health problems because of it. Snoring enough to wake the neighbors being one. Fact.

If he uses FB post a really unflattering photo on FB under the guise of some event or activity eg out for a walk. Maybe seeing it on a public forum will help him get motivated to do something about it.