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Original poster

Friendship is over and I feel very sad :( advice appreciated

104 replies

ravenscaw · 04/01/2019 17:06

DH and I were part of a group of friends at uni and have remained friends with a few of the group for 25 years, and seen the whole group very occasionally at peoples 40ths etc. As is often the case we have all changed a lot. A large number of them went into politics, union work and working for charities etc. I maintained close friendships with 2 women that I was especially close to and let the other friendships drift as life got in the way.

We have seen each other a few times a year and I have always been aware that friend A's DP has a problem with me, and always 'has a go'. This has happened numerous times over the years and I have never taken the bait and just ignored him, but I have stopped visiting their home and inviting them, preferring to see her alone.

This year she asked if they could come and stay and after a discussion with DH we agreed. He started as soon as he arrives - implying I hold strong right wing views (I don't), making nasty comments about our lifestyle (we are famers they are vegans), even making comments about the amount of make up (belonging to DD) in the bathroom etc. I ignored it all. After our DC has gone to bed he drank a bottle of red wine quickly and started getting belligerent, we ignored him. Then he started a personal, extremely unkind and factually incorrect rant about a close friend of mine (B) that he knew at Uni but had rarely seen since. I told him firmly - "You do not know her and you shouldn't be talking about her". He continued. Waving his arms, sneering and laughing about her 'incompetence". This is a woman who has endured so much hardship and poverty, lived in a refuge, raised her child alone and none of this was her fault. She lived with us for a while and was a wonderful support to me when I have struggled with MH. I was duty bound to defend her. I saw A had her head in her hands and was distressed. I stood up and said "I. have no idea why you are doing this" shook my head and went to my room to cool off. He stood outside my bedroom for this entire time knocking on my door and demanding I come out despite me saying I wanted a moment to myself.

DH was outside tending the animals and came in at this point and A was crying. She told DH there had been 'an argument'

I came out and he apologised for 'upsetting you' and made further untrue statements about me and B - it was bizarre. I walked past him, went down, had a cup of tea chatted to A and then went to bed.

In the morning A was clearly very upset. They left at 9am and walked 7 miles to the train station, refusing a lift. I then received a grovelling apology text from him, clearly he could see he had gone too far.

I sent her a 'HNY" text and received a reply saying "HNY - Don't worry, I won't fall out with you"

I feel very sad today. I have lost my good friend of 25 years due to her partners appalling behaviour and it seems she is now going to try and reframe it as somehow my fault. I can't see that it is worth replying because the friendship will be over now. She won't want to see me because it will remind her of his behaviour. She hates confrontation and I suspect he has done it on purpose to isolate her from her friends. He seems to be a very controlling and unpleasant man and I am worried about her but he is widely viewed as a saint due to his political activism.

I don't have many close friends and I feel very sad. Sorry this is long, thanks for reading. Any advice appreciated. Sorry this is long.

OP posts:
TheNewYear · 04/01/2019 17:11

it seems she is now going to try and reframe it as somehow my fault. I can't see that it is worth replying because the friendship will be over now. She won't want to see me because it will remind her of his behaviour.

I’m sorry, but I’m not seekng where you are getting this from?

I do feel she enables his behaviour by not saying anything at the time but perhaps your comments on him being very controlling and unpleasant answer why that is.

purpleelk · 04/01/2019 17:13

“and I suspect he has done it on purpose to isolate her from her friends”

Sounds like her text is confirming this and she’s determined not to allow him? But you’ve decided that you no longer want to be her friend, so he’s successfully manipulated you into ending the friendship.

Are you going to let him?

Why not write back that you love her and look forward to seeing her in the new year. Alone.

Wilma55 · 04/01/2019 17:15

I think you should maintain your relationship with A but not with her oh. Can't you meet/talk it through? If he is trying to isolate her she needs you.

purpleelk · 04/01/2019 17:15

Also find it a bit weird that two vegans asked to stay on your working farm, when they obviously feel very strongly about their views. Why do you think they did?

Redglitter · 04/01/2019 17:15

I cant see how youre seeing that the friendship is over. Hes apologised and shes specifically said she wont fall out with you. Im lost

dellacucina · 04/01/2019 17:16

Her message doesn't sound to me like she is reframing anything. But it is a shame as you clearly can't spend time with them as a couple anymore.

StormTreader · 04/01/2019 17:21

I assuming the reframing comes from that message being readable as "dont worry, I won't fall out with you - I forgive you for causing the row at new years even though it was your fault".

Notmyrealname85 · 04/01/2019 17:22

I’m not as sure - “I won’t fall out with you” makes it sound like she’s laying the blame of the “argument” with you.

I say “argument” as frankly a horrid man ranting at you isn’t really an argument.

Given that he was so awful about B, I wonder if others have seen his behaviour like this. He might go round the whole group slagging everyone off.

Please don’t try and rationalise what this arse has said. Tbh an apology wouldn’t do it for me, an evening and your hospitality ruined deserves more than that.

It does sound like your friend is done with his behaviour. Could he be abusive like that to her behind closed doors?

dellacucina · 04/01/2019 17:23

The friend would have to be quite deluded to mean it that way based on what OP is saying - but obviously people can be good at twisting reality to fit their worldviews.

Yabbers · 04/01/2019 17:26

Surely she just meant she didn’t agree with her OH as in “he might be upset with you but I’m not”

You seem to be more worried about you than you are about her and that doesn’t seem like something a good friend would do.

woollyheart · 04/01/2019 17:26

I think she is just saying the two of you will remain friends.

Just let her know that you really value her friendship, but unfortunately her partner seems to have a problem with you. But you see them as individuals and you count her as one of your close friends and would be very sad to lose that.

mumofblueeyes · 04/01/2019 17:28

"HNY - Don't worry, I won't fall out with you" = I still want to be your friend. Just spend time with her from now on and not the DH?

Original poster
ravenscaw · 04/01/2019 17:30

I am concerned about her, and her being isolated from her friends by him. There was no argument, he made some very unpleasant statements, I told him to stop, he did it again, I told him to stop, I left the room. He knows he went too far. I am sad that she is referring to it as an 'argument' and saying 'she won't fall out with me' as we chatted that night and the next day and every thing was fine - there was no indication we'd fall out. She apologised for his behaviour and I told her she wasn't responsible for him and there was no need for her to apologise.

OP posts:
Original poster
ravenscaw · 04/01/2019 17:31

Also, I have been actively avoiding him for about 5/6 years since his now legendary rant about pets - directed at me but in ear shot of DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
ravenscaw · 04/01/2019 17:35

Yes it is odd that 2 vegans are so keen to come and stay. A has stayed a lot, 15 nights last year. I also find it odd that she says she is vegan and I buy vegan food for her, but she often choses butter, eggs etc and even on one occasion a piece of sirloin steak off DS plate rather than the food I buy especially for her. But she can eat whatever she wants and I am happy either way. I just think he is very controlling and it's sad for her.

A is also friends with B but not as close as I am. He attacked one of her friends to another of her friends - it must be a way of isolating her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ravenscaw · 04/01/2019 17:38

I have no idea what he is like behind closed doors. I know he has made sweeping criticisms of me before and made revolting comments but people seem to laugh it off. I have been avoiding him and he seems to have got worse with age.
When I told my friend I was pregnant he sneered that I was 'infected with a parasite'. A would have liked children and pets but he despises both.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 04/01/2019 17:40

There is very little you can do but I think you need support. Do you have mutual friends that you can bitch to?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2019 17:43

"She hates confrontation and I suspect he has done it on purpose to isolate her from her friends."
Of course he has - all that has to be asked is - are you going to let him do that?

Respond to your friend, and keep in touch with her. Where are you getting "She won't want to see me because it will remind her of his behaviour." from? If she hates confrontation, she's just as likely to pretend that it didn't happen.

There are a few points you COULD ask her about.

For example:

"This year she asked if they could come and stay"
What reason did she give for that? Do you think it originated with her, or with him? I'd be asking her whether he'd suggested it, and why she thought he did that. (Personally I think it was him deciding to break the friendship. Well done you for not rising!)

"I saw A had her head in her hands and was distressed."
I'd ask what was going through her head at this point. I'd guess it was 'not again', but I think it would do her some good to put her feelings into words and say them to another person.

"They left at 9am and walked 7 miles to the train station, refusing a lift."
WTAF? I'd definitely be asking her why they did that, and again - was it his idea?

"I then received a grovelling apology text from him, clearly he could see he had gone too far."
He sees no such thing. If he's systematically isolating her, he'll be congratulating himself on ticking another one off the list. The text will have been for her benefit, so that he can do the 'but I tried to make it up' dance. To spite him, I'd accept his apology. Your acceptance will mean as much to you as his apology does to him, I would have no qualms about mouthing an acceptance I didn't mean, just to spite the bastard and stop his isolation plan from working. I'm petty that way.

Do NOT consider your friendship over. It really isn't.

Panicwiththebisto · 04/01/2019 17:43

He's the vegan and she has to go along with it (and other things no doubt) to keep the peace.

pjllama · 04/01/2019 17:46

Try and keep up the friendship OP. She will need your support if/when she decides to end the relationship. He sounds awful.

Original poster
ravenscaw · 04/01/2019 17:53

I feel low and I think I have misrepresented myself in the OP. I will do all I can to keep our friendship going, I just feel that it is beyond my control. I think I threaten him by being happy living a lifestyle so far removed from his beliefs. Our pets are clearly very happy, healthy and well loved. Our children are funny and helpful and polite, it all goes against his beliefs so he chips away. I have always ignored it for her benefit and to keep peace but I couldn’t let him launch an attack on my good friend.

OP posts:
dellacucina · 04/01/2019 17:55

I agree that you should make an effort to maintain the friendship for the benefit of your friend, who sounds like she is ground down and controlled by him

Original poster
ravenscaw · 04/01/2019 17:55

Thanks for all the kind replies. I am not sure how to link to the post. You are very insightful. I think you are right about the apology. It will have been written on the train with her next to him.
They had 2 heavy bags when they set off to the train station and it is very hilly terrain. Yes I think he made her walk. What could I have done? I asked them to stay for breakfast and a lift but they ‘wanted to stretch their legs and enjoy the countryside’ he said. :(

OP posts:
TastelesslyDone · 04/01/2019 18:02

My Gods, he sounds like a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible wanker. Do whatever you can to keep in touch with the friend, hopefully there’ll come a time when she comes looking for support if she attempts to make an escape.

StuffingSandwich · 04/01/2019 18:11

She needs you. She is reassuring you that she is not falling out with you. Not telling you she thinks it's your fault.

He is an awful man.

You didn't have 2 vegans staying with you. You had one controlling abusive man and the woman he abuses. Forcing her into veganism is just one of the ways in which he does it if she is eating eggs, butter and sirloin steak!!