Friendship is over and I feel very sad :( advice appreciated

[ravenscaw]

DH and I were part of a group of friends at uni and have remained friends with a few of the group for 25 years, and seen the whole group very occasionally at peoples 40ths etc. As is often the case we have all changed a lot. A large number of them went into politics, union work and working for charities etc. I maintained close friendships with 2 women that I was especially close to and let the other friendships drift as life got in the way.

We have seen each other a few times a year and I have always been aware that friend A's DP has a problem with me, and always 'has a go'. This has happened numerous times over the years and I have never taken the bait and just ignored him, but I have stopped visiting their home and inviting them, preferring to see her alone.

This year she asked if they could come and stay and after a discussion with DH we agreed. He started as soon as he arrives - implying I hold strong right wing views (I don't), making nasty comments about our lifestyle (we are famers they are vegans), even making comments about the amount of make up (belonging to DD) in the bathroom etc. I ignored it all. After our DC has gone to bed he drank a bottle of red wine quickly and started getting belligerent, we ignored him. Then he started a personal, extremely unkind and factually incorrect rant about a close friend of mine (B) that he knew at Uni but had rarely seen since. I told him firmly - "You do not know her and you shouldn't be talking about her". He continued. Waving his arms, sneering and laughing about her 'incompetence". This is a woman who has endured so much hardship and poverty, lived in a refuge, raised her child alone and none of this was her fault. She lived with us for a while and was a wonderful support to me when I have struggled with MH. I was duty bound to defend her. I saw A had her head in her hands and was distressed. I stood up and said "I. have no idea why you are doing this" shook my head and went to my room to cool off. He stood outside my bedroom for this entire time knocking on my door and demanding I come out despite me saying I wanted a moment to myself.

DH was outside tending the animals and came in at this point and A was crying. She told DH there had been 'an argument'

I came out and he apologised for 'upsetting you' and made further untrue statements about me and B - it was bizarre. I walked past him, went down, had a cup of tea chatted to A and then went to bed.

In the morning A was clearly very upset. They left at 9am and walked 7 miles to the train station, refusing a lift. I then received a grovelling apology text from him, clearly he could see he had gone too far.

I sent her a 'HNY" text and received a reply saying "HNY - Don't worry, I won't fall out with you"

I feel very sad today. I have lost my good friend of 25 years due to her partners appalling behaviour and it seems she is now going to try and reframe it as somehow my fault. I can't see that it is worth replying because the friendship will be over now. She won't want to see me because it will remind her of his behaviour. She hates confrontation and I suspect he has done it on purpose to isolate her from her friends. He seems to be a very controlling and unpleasant man and I am worried about her but he is widely viewed as a saint due to his political activism.

I don't have many close friends and I feel very sad. Sorry this is long, thanks for reading. Any advice appreciated. Sorry this is long.

@ravensclaw, in which case massive kudos for holding your tongue and going upstairs (not to mention not opening the doors and giving him both barrels). You have shown yourself to be a very good friend indeed. Stick with her, she may well need you in the future.

If he’s like this to you he will be a lot worse to her. I feel sad too that she is with such a tosser. Yes, do keep in touch, she needs to know that she will always be welcome (without him).

Agree with those saying that if you can let her know you’ll be there for her, I suspect she’ll need it in years to come.

However I would never see him again, his behaviour is unforgivable and she needs to know that.

And on a random note, I'd much rather have a straight-talking Yorkshire farmer as a friend than pretty much any other type of person, well-read, arty or whatever.

Big hug! It may take a while but the truth will out.

As others have said let her know that you are there for her .
Sounds like my df he is very opinionated and nasty, wanting to start a argument. My dm sounds like your friend says nothing possibly due to ignoring possibly because embarrassment. My df was horrible about everyone including family so my dm had no friends. People either stayed away because of him or she didn't have friends due to him bad mouthing everyone and kind of brainwashing about people. I think it's low self esteem and controlling behaviour.

He stood outside my bedroom for this entire time knocking on my door and demanding I come out despite me saying I wanted a moment to myself.

It is extraordinary that you move in circles in which behaviour like that isn’t accompanied by calling the police, or at the very least demanding people leave your house immediately. A’s normal meter is obviously warped, but yours doesn’t seem much more accurately calibrated. He sounds utterly terrible, she sounds in some considerable danger, and your circle of friends sound generally dysfunctional in not immediately realising he is a violent bully.

You sound like a lovely friend. Your friend's husband appears to have issues - aggression, possibly alcoholism... I am not sure your friend's text is suggesting you were at fault. From what you describe, she is deeply embarrassed and wants you to know that she is still your friend. Going forward, I think you will have to maintain a distance from her husband though.

Thanks to PP who spotted me from another thread. I nc because the other name is linked to other threads which are very outing.

You are right Reflkectent. I had a very odd childhood with siblings in double figures, a loving DM who had her first child when she was a child herself, a violent bully of a F, DH grew up in and out of care, A had a chaotic and brutal childhood, B was abused and passed around families. We are a fucked up bunch but we have done it, we are all professionals! Home owners! We did what the teachers, police, social workers and every one else said we shouldn't dare to dream of.

This man went to private school and has wealthy parents. He probably feels he's doing us a favour hanging out with such a bunch of chavs.

We're all perfectly good company thou, we might be a bit weird. I prefer animals to people, B is a scatterbrained genius quoting poetry but forgetting to buy loo roll, A started is a lecturer now, but has no confidence and her family seem to hate her career, owning her home etc - inverse snobbery.

I feel so much better after this thread. Thanks so much.

It is fucking weird to follow someone to their bedroom and knock on the door isn't it? I need to get a grip. Why am I so upset? Because of her situation, yes, but it is also the unfairness and the misogyny (he made some very sexist comments that I put on another thread) and also the unkindness and lack of empathy. Fuck him.

I can almost visualise the man you describe and am assuming he is a smug SJW type leftist twat. I only say this as it takes a special type of person who can get invited to someone’s home and insult them without any guilt at all. Regards to your problem I think you could be portraying him as the bogey man excessively because your friend couldn’t possibly think that. But she’s stil with him. Maybe she does and they are two peas in the same pod. I won’t excuse abuse or control but there’s nothing you said which indicates this and could just be a total bitch also. He sounds a dick but so does she and is happy to be with him

News from planet normal: it is indeed “fucking weird to follow someone to their bedroom and knock on the door”. Help that helps.

An angry, alcoholic, controlling man (the veganism is a symptom, not a cause) who is raging against the fact that you won’t bend to his will is so far beyond normal that you need a telescope to look back and see where “normal” is. His behaviour is completely bizarre, and it is a sign of his bullying that his partner tolerates it and you were unable to stop it. If you saw someone like him in a Pinter play you’d think “eh, Harold, he’s a bit much, isn’t he? Perhaps a bit more realism next time?”

I’m not going to fall out with you is far too cryptic for me. Some people are treating this positively but could also mean the opposite. It’s a private text at the end of the day. She should have apologised masssively and begged for forgiveness. And if controlling deleted it after sending. I fear she has the same viewpoint in a general manner but is only worried because he went too far type of thing rather than outright disagreeing with him

It just struck me that without saying it you kind of ascribed normality to this monster because he had a "normal" upbringing. He really couldn't be further from the normal one in the group if he tried.

I also think the whole group sounds really odd. You know they think your dh is a "himbo" because he isn't the type to read Russian novels. I couldn't bear to be with people who openly thought this about my dh. They sound so pretentious. Most really smart and well read people I know actually carry their intelligence and learning very lightly. It's the insecure middle-of-the-roaders who need to declare their love for (insert obscure dead Russian novelist).

What do you get from this group? Affirmation that you all bucked the trend ? Your life sounds pretty great to me, why still see adults who sound like they're trying to live as a 1960s Parisien student, falling asleep in their garrett clutching their copy of Mein Kampf. Idiots.

She'll either stay in it and get further abused, probably eventually cutting contact with you ... Or it'll reach crisis point and she'll leave. Either way all you can do is try to stay in contact and continue being the very good friend that you have been to her.

If you want, you could try to broach her abusive relationship in a tactful way, but that could go badly.bmakinvbit clear you'll be there for her no matter what might be the best angle.

Anyway, he should have been run out of your house (and town) with the shotgun which you may or may not own as farmers,behaving like that. What a fking dckhead and bastard. he's obviously far too used to people being too nice (and caring about his wife) to challenge him. I've seen an (admittedly feisty Irish) man flatten a guy for speaking disrespectfully towards his wife/partner in company (and it was nothing in the realm of your friend's husband's behaviour).

(This is an educated professional incidentally, in case you think I'm referring to an Irish traveller bare knuckle fighter or something 😁).

I'd text my friend and say 'you are welcome here. You can always call me, we'll never fall out over some silliness. You are my friend and you are lovely' or something along those lines so it's clear to your friend that you KNOW it's not her, that she can come to you if she needs to but it's not an inflammatory txt in case her H sees it. You're not actually saying it's him and he's not welcome but it's implied.

I also felt that she wasn't blaming you in the text but more saying that despite the fact her husband and you don't get on, she's still your friend.

I feel sorry for the poor woman being married to such a horrible scumbag. You sound like you did a good job of defending friend B but also keeping your cool at the same time. Well done for not going down to his level.

Xxx

I would reply: Least said, soonest mended...I have your back like I have B's. Always. Stay in touch, Raven x

If that is too close and you are less familiar then simply:
No worries. Hope to see you in 2019 xxx

I know it’s not that easy after 25 years but I don’t think I’d want to be bothered with either of them.

Such drama & rudeness in your own home.

Interesting he chose to do this whilst your dp was feeding the animals. Is he equally badly behaved whilst your dp is present?

Speaking from experience here, you may find it's only jsut dawning on your friend A just how controlling her is. I'd send her a text at a time he's unlikely to intercept eg when she's at work, and let her know you value her friendship and that you'll always be there for her no matter what. You never know she may decide she needs an escape route at some point.

I am sorry that you have been so relentlessly verbally abused in your own home by this misogynistic thug. It must be very traumatic for you. Take care of yourself and take the time YOU need to process this.

IF / WHEN you feel ready - decide if you want or can to be there for her. You are not obligated and it is never a simple quick chat and exit action plan to get her to see the light and leave. So consider carefully how you want this friendship to continue.

She is an adult choosing to stay with him and it’s her bringing him into your lives. I was in a verbally abusive relationship in my twenties and seeing him turn on a work colleague of mine tipped me into ending it.

What a good friend you are to A she is going to need you when she wakes up and realises he is a controlling bully. If it were me i’d make it clear she is welcome to the farm but only on her own.

He sounds like a nasty cunt.

Perhaps a text back just saying “I love you and I will always be your friend” would put her mind at rest a little?

If she was blaming you in the text I think she would have acted differently during the incident.

He is abusive, controlling and at some point she will react.

Is there any way you can meet up alone or her come to visit you alone again?