Friendship is over and I feel very sad :( advice appreciated

[ravenscaw]

DH and I were part of a group of friends at uni and have remained friends with a few of the group for 25 years, and seen the whole group very occasionally at peoples 40ths etc. As is often the case we have all changed a lot. A large number of them went into politics, union work and working for charities etc. I maintained close friendships with 2 women that I was especially close to and let the other friendships drift as life got in the way.

We have seen each other a few times a year and I have always been aware that friend A's DP has a problem with me, and always 'has a go'. This has happened numerous times over the years and I have never taken the bait and just ignored him, but I have stopped visiting their home and inviting them, preferring to see her alone.

This year she asked if they could come and stay and after a discussion with DH we agreed. He started as soon as he arrives - implying I hold strong right wing views (I don't), making nasty comments about our lifestyle (we are famers they are vegans), even making comments about the amount of make up (belonging to DD) in the bathroom etc. I ignored it all. After our DC has gone to bed he drank a bottle of red wine quickly and started getting belligerent, we ignored him. Then he started a personal, extremely unkind and factually incorrect rant about a close friend of mine (B) that he knew at Uni but had rarely seen since. I told him firmly - "You do not know her and you shouldn't be talking about her". He continued. Waving his arms, sneering and laughing about her 'incompetence". This is a woman who has endured so much hardship and poverty, lived in a refuge, raised her child alone and none of this was her fault. She lived with us for a while and was a wonderful support to me when I have struggled with MH. I was duty bound to defend her. I saw A had her head in her hands and was distressed. I stood up and said "I. have no idea why you are doing this" shook my head and went to my room to cool off. He stood outside my bedroom for this entire time knocking on my door and demanding I come out despite me saying I wanted a moment to myself.

DH was outside tending the animals and came in at this point and A was crying. She told DH there had been 'an argument'

I came out and he apologised for 'upsetting you' and made further untrue statements about me and B - it was bizarre. I walked past him, went down, had a cup of tea chatted to A and then went to bed.

In the morning A was clearly very upset. They left at 9am and walked 7 miles to the train station, refusing a lift. I then received a grovelling apology text from him, clearly he could see he had gone too far.

I sent her a 'HNY" text and received a reply saying "HNY - Don't worry, I won't fall out with you"

I feel very sad today. I have lost my good friend of 25 years due to her partners appalling behaviour and it seems she is now going to try and reframe it as somehow my fault. I can't see that it is worth replying because the friendship will be over now. She won't want to see me because it will remind her of his behaviour. She hates confrontation and I suspect he has done it on purpose to isolate her from her friends. He seems to be a very controlling and unpleasant man and I am worried about her but he is widely viewed as a saint due to his political activism.

I don't have many close friends and I feel very sad. Sorry this is long, thanks for reading. Any advice appreciated. Sorry this is long.

I think you've got the wrong end of the stick re the text. She said she won't fall out with you, not meaning that the blame lies with you, but meaning clearly the DH has fallen out with you (a long time ago by the sound of it- what a strange man he is), but she isn't going to. I wouldn't let her horrid husband come between your friendship.

How upsetting. Also dislike people (abusive men) trying to reframe verbal abuse as “an argument”. They are very different things.

Fair point regarding her being a vegan. About 4 years ago she mentioned being 'vegan' to my db who was staying and DS chipped in "you had salmon in the pub, you aren't even a vegetarian!" and she did a 'shhhhhh' finger to the lips and winked at him.

Why the hell am I so so upset? Not just concerned for her, I have been for years, but upset about what happened. I think it is the unfairness, the way he waited until DH left the room, the fact that he picked on the most vulnerable person he could and that I rose to the bait rather than calmly leaving the room. :(

Thanks for the support.

Frankly I think you were very restrained in not throwing him out. Was your husband not there through all this as he sounds like a bully.

Can't you have a very frank talk with your friend next time you're on your own?

Thanks to everyone who has kindly helped me reframe the text. It did feel like I was being blamed when I received it. Very strange wording. Poor woman.

Keep blanking them. It’ll unravel. Do you have mutual friends?

I think a frank talk would result in me never seeing her again. I asked her why he behaved that way and she couldn't look at me and cried and said "I dont know I dont know". She is very avoidant when asked anything like that. I have always just supported her and she has a hard start but now has a very successful career and a high wage, but she wears socks full of holes and was incredibly grateful for her xmas present - some socks, a face pack (vegan/organic!), a scarf and 2 books - not a diamond ring!

I can see things are really shit for her. This thread is making me face it head on. Fucking hell.

Just be there for her .

I am not in that grouo anymore - due to this sort of behaviour from the men in the group tbh! They always treated DH as a thick himbo (he's nothing of the sort just doesn't read Russian literature etc) so we avoided them and the remorseless 'banter'. But I have kept up with A and B independently. I told B there had been a situation but not detail as she doesn't need to know his judgemental bullshit. B is the best parent I have ever met - raising a fantastic son for a while in a refuge in another country where she didn't even speak the language. She is awesome. I had to defend her. I feel so sad. It is good to hear some of you would have thrown him out/been more annoyed than I was. I felt it was my duty to keep the peace for A.

You sound like a fantastic, loyal friend. I'm sure she values you very much and hopefully your friendship can continue without outside influences idiotman

If anyone makes any comment on my choices like decor in my home, clothes I wear, food I choose to eat i always tell them that,as they disaprove, it's a good job it's none of their business (and move on). But then, I'm born and bred in Yorkshire and we have form for calling a space a fucking shovel. As Bill Bryson once said, you can always tell if someone is from Yorkshire, but you cannot tell them much.

Sounds to me like your friend really needs you and she is trying to tell you so in that text.

My fear is that he won't let her stay now. She has a friend abroad she used to visit for 2 weeks every summer but she didn't go last year. When I asked why she said 'Brexit means we can't afford it' so I said 'what do you mean?' Because her reply made no sense (she has a high salary and is very frugal) but she changed the subject and started talking about Brexit.

I fear it'll be 'too expensive' or another reason concocted to stop her coming.

Good God. This man is a bullying cunt. Sounds to me like she is in an emotionally abusive relationship and who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I think your friend needs an escape route. I think she was trying to say to you, don't stop being friends with me. She's probably spent so long walking on egg shells around her husband that she doesn't know what to say.

If my husband EVER did that I would go batshit on him.

Guess where I am user? Yep Yorkshire
I know he has told people I am a thick, right wing northern Harpy. A is from very rough, very working class part of Bradford. She tends to stay with us when seeing family.
I am normally fairly outspoken but have kept things to myself for her comfort.

Her text read

HNY to all of you to. Thinking what to say- don’t worry. I’m not going to fall out with you xx

I think you are right.
I would never have stopped being her friend but this thread has helped decipher the text. Thank you

I posted on your other thread about this terrible man OP. I think you were hugely restrained in what you said to him. And that comment he made when you were pregnant, just disgusting.

I think your friend's text is a way of staying please keep in touch. She knows what a nasty bastard he is, but she's been with him for years, controlled by him for years, and as you said in your last post, it's the old sunken costs fallacy. Maybe go and stay with them. Give him a taste of his own medicine under his own roof. Criticise his lifestyle, the awful things he says. See what happens.

Ultimately she'll stay with him if she wants to. But I think if you continue being friends with her you don't put up with any of his shit, either face to face or through what she relays to you.

My friend's nasty controlling partner had an affair, she asked me for help to leave, then stayed. Then started talking like he was the best thing since sliced bread. I called her out on it a few times. Then having seen very little of her, deliberately, saw her one day and it started up again. I said look, just to be clear, are you both just pretending nothing ever happened? She said yeah, pretty much. I know she's desperately unhappy, as are her dc.

I'm not going to pretend, so I have very little contact with her. I've ignored him since the day it all happened, even if he's standing next to her. She knows what I feel about him. It's shit, but her choice.

Like other posters I think the text was most likely meant to be saying she wanted to stay friends. Sounds like she stayed with you quite often last year, fingers crossed that will continue, especially if she stays when she visits family, you could let her know your door remains open.

He sounds horrible and likely to be emotionally abusive. Sounds like you made a good decision several years ago to avoid him but seek to stay friends with her.

I hope you manage to stay in contact with her - it might be a 'sane' lifeline she is hanging on to. You sound like a good loyal friend to her

I would not tolerate anyone speaking to me like that in my own home. He needs putting in his damn place.

I would explain to your friend that you are committed to your friendship but have no desire to spend any time in her partners company, due to his appalling attitude.

These situations can be very "boiled frog", so she may now be so conditioned she can't see straight.

I think it was on another thread that someone said they kept the lines of communication open until the friend was ready.

Would it be a mis-step to give her the number of Woman's Aid?

Just a thought, but I wish one of my friends had talked plainly to me about my husband and his behaviour. I think I really needed to get strength from someone else saying what they can see. it is very hard to see it yourself at the time. Or even if you can you doubt yourself.

I think you are misinterpreting her message. By saying 'I won't fall out with you' she's just making the point that she isn't going to take his side over yours or let it affect how she feels about you. I really don't think she's implying any fault on your part. I realise you are probably feeling very sensitive and bruised right now so I think perhaps you are over-thinking things. I don't think she blames you at all.

He sounds like an utter knob though and it's time you had a frank discussion with her about the conditions of your friendship from now on, ie; that it never includes having to see him.

I’m glad this thread has helped OP and I hope your friendship remains as strong.

I wonder whether she feels the need to be careful with what she texts as he checks her phone and if so, perhaps didn’t feel comfortable saying more than the fact she wouldn’t fall out with you.

As an outsider I interpreted her not falling out with you text as her saying no matter what he does or says, she won’t drop you as a friend even if he tells her to.

It sounds very much like he's isolating her from everyone. Does she have much contact with her family? He has undermined her so much she doesn't feel able to question him or perhaps is too frightened. Whatever way you dress it up it's abusive. She'll need a friend like you at some point as either she'll have had enough of he'll move onto a new target. He knows you're not scared of him & very telling that he kicked off when your dH was out of the house. He's a weak nasty woman-hating bully. She would do well to get out, but is probably brainwashed to believe no-one will have her, she's nothing without him and has no self belief etcetera. I do second giving her the number of women's aid or even writing down the pros and cons of the relationshipto get some perspective. Such a shame that she is giving up on her dreams of a family to stay with such an obnoxious bully