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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friendship is over and I feel very sad :( advice appreciated

104 replies

ravenscaw · 04/01/2019 17:06

DH and I were part of a group of friends at uni and have remained friends with a few of the group for 25 years, and seen the whole group very occasionally at peoples 40ths etc. As is often the case we have all changed a lot. A large number of them went into politics, union work and working for charities etc. I maintained close friendships with 2 women that I was especially close to and let the other friendships drift as life got in the way.

We have seen each other a few times a year and I have always been aware that friend A's DP has a problem with me, and always 'has a go'. This has happened numerous times over the years and I have never taken the bait and just ignored him, but I have stopped visiting their home and inviting them, preferring to see her alone.

This year she asked if they could come and stay and after a discussion with DH we agreed. He started as soon as he arrives - implying I hold strong right wing views (I don't), making nasty comments about our lifestyle (we are famers they are vegans), even making comments about the amount of make up (belonging to DD) in the bathroom etc. I ignored it all. After our DC has gone to bed he drank a bottle of red wine quickly and started getting belligerent, we ignored him. Then he started a personal, extremely unkind and factually incorrect rant about a close friend of mine (B) that he knew at Uni but had rarely seen since. I told him firmly - "You do not know her and you shouldn't be talking about her". He continued. Waving his arms, sneering and laughing about her 'incompetence". This is a woman who has endured so much hardship and poverty, lived in a refuge, raised her child alone and none of this was her fault. She lived with us for a while and was a wonderful support to me when I have struggled with MH. I was duty bound to defend her. I saw A had her head in her hands and was distressed. I stood up and said "I. have no idea why you are doing this" shook my head and went to my room to cool off. He stood outside my bedroom for this entire time knocking on my door and demanding I come out despite me saying I wanted a moment to myself.

DH was outside tending the animals and came in at this point and A was crying. She told DH there had been 'an argument'

I came out and he apologised for 'upsetting you' and made further untrue statements about me and B - it was bizarre. I walked past him, went down, had a cup of tea chatted to A and then went to bed.

In the morning A was clearly very upset. They left at 9am and walked 7 miles to the train station, refusing a lift. I then received a grovelling apology text from him, clearly he could see he had gone too far.

I sent her a 'HNY" text and received a reply saying "HNY - Don't worry, I won't fall out with you"

I feel very sad today. I have lost my good friend of 25 years due to her partners appalling behaviour and it seems she is now going to try and reframe it as somehow my fault. I can't see that it is worth replying because the friendship will be over now. She won't want to see me because it will remind her of his behaviour. She hates confrontation and I suspect he has done it on purpose to isolate her from her friends. He seems to be a very controlling and unpleasant man and I am worried about her but he is widely viewed as a saint due to his political activism.

I don't have many close friends and I feel very sad. Sorry this is long, thanks for reading. Any advice appreciated. Sorry this is long.

OP posts:
SeaGreenSeaGlass · 05/01/2019 09:48

Would she be open to some home truths about her relationship? There's that article (possibly from women's aid) that people somstimes post here, detailing what abuse looks like. Maybe sending her that link would help.

Mia184 · 05/01/2019 11:16

OP, your friend might stop contacting you but you should make sure that she knows that she can always count on you. She may one day have the strength and will to leave this bully of a partner and will then be glad that you are there for her.

Original poster
ravenscaw · 05/01/2019 17:55

thanks for all the replies.

I received another message last night which was cryptic as well:
"We are both with you, you are such a sensitive soul, I hope you find peace in 2019( heartemoji)"

I don't know what to make of it all.

I have replied

"I can't make sense of it at all but I have you back, as I have A's. Take care and stay in touch. I am peaceful and happy here thank you xxx"

And I will see what happens.

I will never spend time with the horrible man again thou, and never let him in my house.

Thanks for all the support, its tough work being a sensible grown up isn't it? You've all really helped me. Brew

OP posts:
Original poster
ravenscaw · 05/01/2019 17:56

PS - my initial response was "WTF are they trying to paint me as some sort of hysteric creating a drama from no where" which is not what happened. Now I am not sure.

OP posts:
NorfolkNellie · 05/01/2019 18:00

Ravenscaw - I'm with you and they are trying to put it all on you being 'sensitive' rather then him being a horrible, manipulative bully. She goes along with this as otherwise she will have to admit she's married to an absolute wanker.

HamishTheTalkingCactus · 05/01/2019 18:02

she might be sending oddly worded texts if he insists on reading/vetting the texts she sends.

nicenewdusters · 05/01/2019 18:03

Sorry to say it OP but if that was from your friend that's really dodgy. To me that comes across as patronising, as though you are the one with the problem, and they hope that problem is sorted this year so that you find "peace".

Er no, I don't think so. Since posting previously I've revised my view of your friend. I'm not sure I could put up with her and him in my life. She should have sent a grovelling apology to you.

NorfolkNellie · 05/01/2019 18:03

Hamish also has a good point.

category12 · 05/01/2019 18:08

It might be that she's so deeply in his thrall, she just parrots him.

I'd stay in touch, on the basis that she's his victim, and I wouldn't want to walk away from her - but I would be guarded with her and not tell her anything that might be exploited by him - I'd assume every communication is being run past him - and certainly not have him anywhere near you ever again.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/01/2019 18:12

I was thinking the same as Hamish: She's wording things carefully because he reads her texts.Sad

category12 · 05/01/2019 18:18

Reading the last message, I think the party line from them is you overreacted and went barmy. Whether she actually believes that in her heart of hearts, I doubt. But her life wouldn't be worth living if she contradicted him.

billybagpuss · 05/01/2019 18:29

I think he wrote that not her and I suspect he wrote the first one too.

Original poster
ravenscaw · 05/01/2019 18:30

Yes, I agree. The party line is that I over reacted and went balmy. Fuck em. I literally don't give a shit what they think of me because it has taken me a long time to get here (happy, good business, home we love, financially secure etc). I just feel sad that this is how things are. I accept it and will be here for her, but I am going to make peace with it.

I spoke to B at some length this morning (her DF has taken to 'wandering' and she is having great difficulties) and I just need to focus my energy on those that appreciate me. B has been a truly great friend for 25 years and we have ridden some rough ground. Time to refocus and get on with 2019.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 05/01/2019 18:34

When I told my friend I was pregnant he sneered that I was 'infected with a parasite'.

What a disgusting thing to say.

Please don't lose touch with your friend. She needs people in her corner it would seem. Just see her on her own.

Iflyaway · 05/01/2019 18:35

Oh yea, and politically active?

Let's hope he never makes it to Westminster. :-O

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 05/01/2019 18:55

The party line is that I over reacted and went balmy

I presume her usual reaction is an under reaction - so you drawing your line in the sand (and reacting normally) for her is an 'over' reaction.

Original poster
ravenscaw · 05/01/2019 19:03

He is a policy adviser for a trade union very connected with Momentum. He thinks he is saving the world, one soy chai latte at a time Grin

He hates babies and children, literally hates them. I find that attitude bigoted and as unreasonable as hating old people, or men, or a race or religion. Kids are individuals. Once, after a few glasses of wine, commented to him that "You know you were a child yourself, right? So this is self loathing, and you should see a therapist" which made the whole room fall around laughing. Maybe my quips and japes over the years at his ludicrous arrogance and hypocrisy - as well as the endless mansplaining (I grew up in a developing country and he explained in great detail to me and DH why the women from this country often engage in a behaviour specific behaviour that I myself very much enjoy) and after his 20 minute sincere lecture I smiled and said "Well, I appreciate the time you've spent reading about this but when I get together with my mates we just find it really fun and enjoy it"

He has made numerous comments over the years indicating that he believes ALL female sexuality is for the benefit for men - ie women only dress a certain way/wear make up/dance etc to please men and I have repeatedly commented on this.

He thinks pets are slaves, and that eating meat is murder. Yes he asks to stay on a farm. pffffffttttt

no wonder he hates me. GOOD! Grin

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 05/01/2019 19:09

I'd have to cut them both lose. No friendship is worth even one minute in the company of such an unspeakable tosser like that. I get everything everyone has said about her being controlled, intimidated etc. But if (and I doubt she will) she ever leaves him, she'll know where you are even if you haven't been in contact for a while.

Friend B deserves your time and attention.

SuziQ10 · 05/01/2019 19:28

OP, your friend's husband sounds just like my father. The couple's relationship sounds so similar to my parents. If you were saying 35years of friendship I'd have bet my bottom dollar this was them.
Like my F, no one that isn't as left wing as it gets isn't deemed 'decent' enough. Something negative to say about people often. Frequently causing uncomfortable conversations due to his self righteous political stance. My poor mum has sadly had many friends decide they have had enough of my F over the years. And his oh-so-important politics. It has been very stressful for her but like your friend, she should have seen the situation for what it was - stood up for her friend and herself - and given stern warning re: the consequences of this behaviour.

I'm so sad for you. I hope you're able to see your friend again sometime, without her husband. You need some space for now.

purpleelk · 05/01/2019 19:32

You know that saying about judging others by the company they keep? She chose him. Just saying.

Honeyroar · 05/01/2019 19:46

I don't think I'd have been so quiet in my reply. I'd have said I'm not sensitive at all, he was very rude and aggressive. I'm here for you whenever you need me, but don't start turning this round as though I started it. I think glossing over it helps her normalise his behaviour- perhaps tiny pushes towards her realisation would help?

Jacksback · 05/01/2019 20:06

‘ saving the world , one soy chia latte at a time ‘ 😂😂 love that

He is sending those texts
He is abusing her
Contact her only through work if you can
And let her know when she is ready to lt misogynist b , then you will be there for her

You sound like a great friend btw

Athena51 · 05/01/2019 20:14

Pets are slaves

only one slave in this house and it isn't Dcat Smile

You sound like a lovely person and friend OP who doesn't deserve this drama and abuse. He sounds like an awful, abusive and misogynistic man who controls your friend's life. I don't blame you not wanting him anyway near your home Flowers

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 05/01/2019 20:53

It must be very frustrating. Ultimately if she wants to send you a private message, or call without him knowing, she can find a way to do this. The fact that she's going along with this rewriting of history shows her allegiance to his version of the truth.
There's really not much that you can do for her, but keeping your own self - respect is essential.

Kintan · 05/01/2019 21:22

After reading your update and description of him, I’d feel a bit more wary of your friend actually. What’s that saying about judging people by the company they keep?

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