Friendship is over and I feel very sad :( advice appreciated

[ravenscaw]

DH and I were part of a group of friends at uni and have remained friends with a few of the group for 25 years, and seen the whole group very occasionally at peoples 40ths etc. As is often the case we have all changed a lot. A large number of them went into politics, union work and working for charities etc. I maintained close friendships with 2 women that I was especially close to and let the other friendships drift as life got in the way.

We have seen each other a few times a year and I have always been aware that friend A's DP has a problem with me, and always 'has a go'. This has happened numerous times over the years and I have never taken the bait and just ignored him, but I have stopped visiting their home and inviting them, preferring to see her alone.

This year she asked if they could come and stay and after a discussion with DH we agreed. He started as soon as he arrives - implying I hold strong right wing views (I don't), making nasty comments about our lifestyle (we are famers they are vegans), even making comments about the amount of make up (belonging to DD) in the bathroom etc. I ignored it all. After our DC has gone to bed he drank a bottle of red wine quickly and started getting belligerent, we ignored him. Then he started a personal, extremely unkind and factually incorrect rant about a close friend of mine (B) that he knew at Uni but had rarely seen since. I told him firmly - "You do not know her and you shouldn't be talking about her". He continued. Waving his arms, sneering and laughing about her 'incompetence". This is a woman who has endured so much hardship and poverty, lived in a refuge, raised her child alone and none of this was her fault. She lived with us for a while and was a wonderful support to me when I have struggled with MH. I was duty bound to defend her. I saw A had her head in her hands and was distressed. I stood up and said "I. have no idea why you are doing this" shook my head and went to my room to cool off. He stood outside my bedroom for this entire time knocking on my door and demanding I come out despite me saying I wanted a moment to myself.

DH was outside tending the animals and came in at this point and A was crying. She told DH there had been 'an argument'

I came out and he apologised for 'upsetting you' and made further untrue statements about me and B - it was bizarre. I walked past him, went down, had a cup of tea chatted to A and then went to bed.

In the morning A was clearly very upset. They left at 9am and walked 7 miles to the train station, refusing a lift. I then received a grovelling apology text from him, clearly he could see he had gone too far.

I sent her a 'HNY" text and received a reply saying "HNY - Don't worry, I won't fall out with you"

I feel very sad today. I have lost my good friend of 25 years due to her partners appalling behaviour and it seems she is now going to try and reframe it as somehow my fault. I can't see that it is worth replying because the friendship will be over now. She won't want to see me because it will remind her of his behaviour. She hates confrontation and I suspect he has done it on purpose to isolate her from her friends. He seems to be a very controlling and unpleasant man and I am worried about her but he is widely viewed as a saint due to his political activism.

I don't have many close friends and I feel very sad. Sorry this is long, thanks for reading. Any advice appreciated. Sorry this is long.

Yes that message was, beyond a doubt, twisting the situation to be your fault, your sensitivity, your 'troubled' personality, and they are magnanimously (and patronisingly) being 'understanding' and sending you good wishes.

If he's over her shoulder dictating/pressuring the text, then it's another sign of her being abused and might be forgiven. If he's not she's too far gone (at this stage) to be helped. By all means stay on contact (with her only, I would never again give them the opportunity to abuse you in your home or anywhere else) but keep in mind that she may be too far gone and you may have to let the relationship go. Someone can be a victim but if they start making you a victim too, it's time to protect yourself.

At least if you keep (minimally) in contact and always make it clear you'll be there for her, shell get in touch when (and if) she reaches breaking point.

I've known people to be both hit and thrown out for less behaviour than he demonstrated in your home by the way.

Ugh. Sorry, sounds like she is willing to rewrite history for some reason or another. You were very kind and restrained in your response.

Mrs Normal Farmer but not from Yorkshire here:

I would NOT have ignored a single rude, arrogant or misogynistic jibe.

In fact my whole body recoils and has a reflexive instinctive allergic reaction to such jibes.

I would have pulled him up on it immediately. I would never have let him rant at the door wtaf?!

I would have turned to weeping A and ask why the hell does she put up with this?!

I would have asked him to leave my house there and then and I would tell A that if this is the way he treats you then you need help and text her the number for Women's Aid.

I would tell him he should be ashamed of himself, that he obviously has issues way beyond help if he thinks that is an acceptable way to behave

I would have recorded on my phone his ranting and raving and inform him he was being recorded.

I would take the evidence to a domestic abuse unit and give them their address and ask them to look into it.

I would tell A if she needed help to get out of the controlling abusive relationship I would be there for her.

Tbh B sounds amazing and I would let everyone know what had happened because I am like that.

I don't think anyone should ever allow a bully to bully.

Anyway, you had DC in your house so no wonder you wanted to keep the peace. He sounds utterly unhinged and she sounds like she enables him.

I’d give it a while before thinking of meeting her on her own and I would make it clear that he is not welcome in your home ever again.

At the end of the day she is married to an abusive twat and if she wanted children it’s too late for her, and her life with him is probably shit but at the same time she asked to bring him to your home knowing that he would kick off.