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Original poster

Dh said he needs space after ending EA

120 replies

Noone123 · 03/01/2019 13:53

My dh has recently ended an EA with a colleague at work. He is going to go ahead and quit his job so he no longer sees her. They work side by side so it's completely shit.

He has now told me that he needs some space to get his head straight and figure out what the hell is wrong with him so is looking to move into an airbnb for a few weeks to work on caring for himself.

This is the first time his head has been turned so we are both in shock. Can anyone advise if moving out is a good idea? He is telling me that he wants to be with his family but doesn't want to fake things with me as regards his love for me. He said he needs to miss me and hopefully get back the love he once felt for me. I'm not confident that this is a good move for him as I feel we need to be together to talk things thru but maybe the space will do him good. I love him and would obviously not want him to move out but at the same time if he thinks this would do us good then I need to let him go for awhile. Would love to hear some feedback from anyone who has had a similar experience. Thanks.

OP posts:

Tentomidnight · 03/01/2019 13:56

I’m really sorry, but I’d put money on him not having ended the EA, and his AirBnB idea is so that he can string both you and the OW along until he chooses one of you and dumps the other.
Just make sure that you don’t do the ‘pick me dance’ whilst he’s in his self imposed limbo.

Tentomidnight · 03/01/2019 14:01

I’d suggest that instead of pissing away family money on an AirBnB/shagpad, that he moves into a spare room at home and continues to step up to his responsibilies re childcare. Just make sure that you don’t cook/clean/put out for him!

Tentomidnight · 03/01/2019 14:02

(I’ve been there, sending you )

MorrisZapp · 03/01/2019 14:04

Tell him you need space following his affair so you're moving to a hotel and you'll give him a bell if and when you fall back in love with him. In the meantime if he could paint the bathroom, that would be great.

Ciggarettesuffragettesandboys · 03/01/2019 14:05

It’s rwally selfish of him to spend money on “space” for himself when he’s the one that had the EA. You say you’re both in total shock but sorry that just seems to paint him out to be a victim here. If he was really trustworthy and worth working things through with he wouldn’t be putting you through this. He would be taking the spare room as pp suggested and trying everything to make it up to you.

ElspethFlashman · 03/01/2019 14:06

This is all very HouseMartins, isn't it?

"I need a little room
To find myself
I need a little space
To work it out
I need a little room
All alone
I need a little.... "

user1479305498 · 03/01/2019 14:06

I agree with Morris, that way he gets plenty of space.

UnicornSlaughters · 03/01/2019 14:07

Yep, send him to the spare room/sofa for his self-reflecting "space". He doesn't need to leave. He definitely doesn't need to spend money.

Has he handed in his notice yet?

Hanab · 03/01/2019 14:07

Nope OP ... he doesn’t get to move out .. YOU take a break and he must deal with day to day life ... my bet is what the wife don’t see the wife don’t know!

VietnameseCrispyFish · 03/01/2019 14:08

This, and

This has bad news written all over it. He really ought to be trying everything he can to repair your trust and stay close to you. Him buggering off to a hotel suggests he already has one foot out of the door and it’s his way of doing a soft exit rather than ending it properly.

However, you can’t really stop him, so if you want to let him go and be waiting for his return it’s your call, it’ll be a very painful few weeks. Just make sure he does his fair share of the domestic responsibilities, do you have enough income for him to be able to go off in a hotel for ages?

Travisandthemonkey · 03/01/2019 14:10

Surely he can do what he wants. He’s an adult, he’s been doing what he wants so far.

We can’t force people to make choices we would prefer but we can decide how we are going to react to them

How do you feel about this relationship, what do you want for the future. Do you want to stay with him. Are you happy just to welcome him back with open arms when he’s made his mind up.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 03/01/2019 14:11

Fuck that! YOU move out and have a little space to see if you want to stay with the fuckwit

AirBnB shagpad indeed! don't fall for that one, OP.

Gazelda · 03/01/2019 14:12

Call a spade a spade. He wants a trial separation.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 03/01/2019 14:13

The cynical part of me reckons he’s moving into the air b n b so he can date the other woman properly for a little while and make sure it’s what he really wants before ending it with you I really don’t say that to hurt you, just warn you. Have you considered that? I just can’t believe that a woman who was worth risking his marriage for is a woman he’s ended things with so easily and who he isn’t going to pursue once he’s out of the family home. If he was able to lie to you and deceive you enough to have the EA, I wouldn’t put it past him to be lying about his current plans re the air b n b.

I think it would serve you much better to do what PP have said and be the one to go yourself for a week or two, stay with a friend, leave him to the house and caring responsibilities alone. He gets the space from you he wants without the space and freedom to continue and escalate the affair. And you can leave him wondering if you’ll still want him when you return.

Do the 180, don’t play the pick me dance. It’s the most likely way of saving your marriage if that’s what you want.

flintfoxy · 03/01/2019 14:13

What form did the EA take - is the OW married? Was there no physical contact - how did it come out?

MistressDeeCee · 03/01/2019 14:18

Give the cheeky wretch all the space he needs.

He is not going to end this EA - he is going to make a choice, and given that he is moving out, that choice is unlikely to be you no matter what lines he's spinning you.

Don't sit passively awaiting his decision. HE disrespected YOU - & now it's HIM that needs space?

He can get to fuck with that audacity.

Don't be caught out or blindsided. You clearly don't know him as well as youthink you do, unfortunately.

Quietly cover your back, get everything in order, get advice, just in case. & don't tell him.

Don't kid yourself that he won't do the ultimate dirty on you. He is entirely capable of that and has already shown he's not trustworthy.

You may be able to get through all this, but not if you don't open your eyes and see this for what it truly is. Your husband taking the absolute piss. Deal with it on that basis - he is the one who's had the EA, he is the one who owes you a full and clear explanation.

He will be alone in a hotel - do you really, really think he is not going to meet up with this woman? & it's likely she already knows his current plans..as an add-on to him disloyally confiding in her about your lives together for a good while now, no doubt.

'Shocked', is he🙄

I really do hope it turns out she doesn't want him as a full-time partner. It would serve him right.

Good luck.

OrchidInTheSun · 03/01/2019 14:18

He had an emotional affair and he wants to fuck off for a few weeks to work on caring for himself? PMSL.

Is he serious? He has shat on your marriage from a great height and he's the one that needs care? Bloody hell - he's got some brass neck, I'll give him that.

Original poster

Noone123 · 03/01/2019 14:20

Thank you all for responding. They kissed on a few occasions. Alcohol involved each time. She is not married. He has definitely ended it with her. He told me that she was angry with him and called him out for basically being a coward for not leaving me. He has said before that he doesn't want to talk about her as it usually ends in a fight and by him moving out prevents this. I have asked him about her as its too hard not to. Such a crap situation.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 03/01/2019 14:23

Why do you believe him so easily when he’s been so deceptive before?

I agree with the first few posts. I would put money on him still stringing her - and you - along.

StormTreader · 03/01/2019 14:24

"He has said before that he doesn't want to talk about her as it usually ends in a fight and by him moving out prevents this."

Ah yes, the old "you've caught me out so now I don't want to talk about it ever again because it makes me feel bad. It's all over now, why are you dragging up old history, can't we just move on....."

ie "I don't want to apologise to you or own up to the fact I did this to you and am responsible for you feeling bad because I did things I knew were wrong."

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 03/01/2019 14:27

Unfortunately you only have his side of the story. He needs 'space' so staying at home while you go to the airbnb sounds perfect. I wonder what his response would be?

Hezz · 03/01/2019 14:29

She's called him a coward because he didn't move out...and now he wants to move out?

Fuck. That.

flintfoxy · 03/01/2019 14:30

Hmmm kissed a few times turns it physical to me and I would want full transparency. As I read on another thread kisses between adults on the brink of an affair are not the kind of chaste kisses experienced by a couple of early teens. I would suggest spare room and counselling.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 03/01/2019 14:31

Unfortunately you only have his side of the story

Quite.

He's just another self-serving cheat. YOU need the self care, you're the injured party here.

LIZS · 03/01/2019 14:31

Moving out so he doesn't have to face up to it, more like. What has he done towards repairing the damage caused by his behaviour?

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