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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh said he needs space after ending EA

120 replies

Noone123 · 03/01/2019 13:53

My dh has recently ended an EA with a colleague at work. He is going to go ahead and quit his job so he no longer sees her. They work side by side so it's completely shit.

He has now told me that he needs some space to get his head straight and figure out what the hell is wrong with him so is looking to move into an airbnb for a few weeks to work on caring for himself.

This is the first time his head has been turned so we are both in shock. Can anyone advise if moving out is a good idea? He is telling me that he wants to be with his family but doesn't want to fake things with me as regards his love for me. He said he needs to miss me and hopefully get back the love he once felt for me. I'm not confident that this is a good move for him as I feel we need to be together to talk things thru but maybe the space will do him good. I love him and would obviously not want him to move out but at the same time if he thinks this would do us good then I need to let him go for awhile. Would love to hear some feedback from anyone who has had a similar experience. Thanks.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 03/01/2019 18:12

commitment to stay forever regardless of anything oh bollocks, @deadliftgirl so abused wives/husbands should stay in a marriage to 'honour' it?

OP why don't you want to bring up your DH's alcohol problems? This clearly impacted on your life a huge amount.

Missingstreetlife · 03/01/2019 18:12

Oh god he's a bloody lush as well. Bin him off, go to alanon. Good luck op, you deserve better

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 03/01/2019 18:15

Oh god he's a bloody lush as well

Quite the prize, ain't he? Hmm

thethoughtfox · 03/01/2019 18:16

He stays at home with the kids and you move into a nice place/ hotel to get the space or he moves in with his mother. Him getting his own place is clearly signalling to OW that he is available.

HeavenlyEyes · 03/01/2019 18:23

Sorry - but you are clinging onto a controlling, binge drinking, unfaithful twat.

Get rid and do not waste one minute waiting for him to return! I think you deserve far better than him. And please get an STI test too.

Original poster
Noone123 · 03/01/2019 18:53

Because it'll be guaranteed to end in an argument.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noone123 · 03/01/2019 18:54

Sorry responding to queen in the last post.

OP posts:
VietnameseCrispyFish · 03/01/2019 18:55

OP, you sound scared of/wary of an argument, even when it’s a topic that needs discussing one way or another. Can I ask why that is? X

pallisers · 03/01/2019 18:58

Why on earth would you want him?

He had an affair (yes he did - don't believe that guff about a few kisses).

He wants his own place so he can drink without restriction. Any shagging will be extra for him but not the main point.

Tell him to head off. You have no idea how much better you will feel on your own. never having to worry about him getting drunk and reeling home, not worrying about what your children see, not worrying about who he might or might not be shagging. In a year's time you'll look back and feel so much better.

And definitely get an sti check.

Cattus · 03/01/2019 19:02

Although he is likely to be using the Airbnb for his own advantage, you can turn it to your advantage.
While he thinks you’re sitting there waiting for him, you can be getting your finances and head in order so that when he comes back to let you know he’s leaving, you’ll be ready to say, Go on then, off you pop! Rather than begging for him.

Singlenotsingle · 03/01/2019 19:15

@deadliftgirl what rubbish! He's used and abused the OP, and this is just rubbing her face in it!

Christmasisforadults2 · 03/01/2019 19:17

Without talking your just added other thoughts so when you finally do talk it will always be an argument.
And him saying I don't want it to end in another fight - duh that what happens when your a cheat!

Him saying she's mad and that she wouldn't get back with him because he didn't leave you, won't it look like he did when he's moved out?
Plus women have gone back to bad men for years and years!

Beansandcoffee · 03/01/2019 19:21

My ExH did this - moved out for a little while for space whilst I was left to look after the kids and act as though all was normal. Guess what ....... a few days later him and the OW moved into her little flat together - I found out via a friend whilst I was watching the kids have their swimming lessons. I will never forgive him for that as yet again I had to pretend normality.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 03/01/2019 19:21

Ok, I checked out your other thread, that Sandy mentioned. It starts off "I emotionally abused my husband for years".
But it sounds to me like that's what he told you was happening because you were legitimately annoyed by his excessive drinking.
And now you can't mention the drinking because he'll get annoyed!
Jeez.
You need rid of this creep

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 03/01/2019 19:33

Do you actually see yourself with this cheating, drinking, gaslighting twat in 5 or 10 years time?

I'd rip the band aid off now and get him out for good

eggsandwich · 03/01/2019 19:33

Honestly some men are unbelievable!

Since he’s the one that’s had an ea he doesn’t get to call the shots here, I think he needs a stern reminder that he doesn’t get to decide whether “he can miss you and get back the love he once had for you” it is your decision and yours alone as to wheather you decide if the marriage is worth saving and “you can get the love back” considering his decite and if and when you decide you will let him know the cheeky bastard.

I would also tell him that he will not be conveniently moving into an airbnb for some space and if he does don’t come back I’m not a fucking door mat.

SandyY2K · 03/01/2019 19:35

I don't know what has happened in the past...but it wasn't dealt with properly.

If the drinking was such an issue...separation would have been better. I'm sure there's blame on both sides.

One thing he said... I think...is counsellors always support the woman. That's nonsense... so it makes me wonder why he was really refusing to go...and if he was worried a counsellor would ser through him.

Counsellors do not blame either party. If a counsellor does so..they're no good. Even if one party has had an affair..it's not for the counsellor to lay blame.

They are meant to be impartial and non judgemental.

You may benefit from counselling on your own.

Whatever the case...he's not happy in the marriage. He's saying he doesn't love you.

Remember this He who cares the least in the relationship holds the most power

BatFaced · 03/01/2019 19:37

Him moving out is something you should be leaping on with both hands! Except it should be permanent

This is the perfect way to get him out of your life unless you think that all you deserve is this cheating alcoholic

homebirds · 03/01/2019 19:38

He's leaving his job - what about money? Can he easily get a new one? Will this affect you?

Klobluchar · 03/01/2019 19:39

I had this situation with husband, almost to the letter.

He had a brief but intense EA with a woman and ended it when I found out. We had lots and lots of in depth discussions about our marriage and the upshot of it was that I asked him to move out for a trial period and he did so. At the end of the trial separation, we both decided our marriage was over and neither of us wanted to get back together, though I do think it was more me than him, I said I didn’t want to and he agreed.

Fast forward a year and he has moved in with EA woman, though to be fair to them both, she wasn’t around during our separation and they did get together for real when it was truly over between me and H. I don’t hate him, his EA shone a spotlight on our marriage which had been drifting for years and both of us are much happier now.

AnyFucker · 03/01/2019 19:50

He's good, I'll give him that

subspace · 03/01/2019 19:52

Because it'll be guaranteed to end in an argument. Is not a good reason to never discuss a serious problem in a relationship - like alcoholism, or infidelity.

@Anyfucker is right, he's good, and he'd done a right number on you. X

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/01/2019 20:11

Why do you want this nasty, alcohol-dependent, betraying, lying, gaslighting fuckwit? Wake up - you have married an unpleasant man who will do nothing but cause you misery. Just wake up and move on.

Honeyroar · 03/01/2019 20:15

If you can't ever discuss anything because it will cause an arguement you're never going to get anywhere. If he won't discuss things and won't go to counselling he's not going to change or take any blame, he's just blaming you. The only truthful thing he has said is that he doesn't love you.

It sounds like you've put up with a heck of a lot and had a lot of grief back. It might help you to go to counselling on your own if he won't go. It might help you see that his behaviour is not down to you. (Any person would get annoyed at a partner going off getting really drunk and regularly not coming back).

SuperSuperSuper · 03/01/2019 20:46

Let him move out. Help him pack his suitcase. Just get rid.

When he's gone, see a solicitor.