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Original poster

Dh said he needs space after ending EA

120 replies

Noone123 · 03/01/2019 13:53

My dh has recently ended an EA with a colleague at work. He is going to go ahead and quit his job so he no longer sees her. They work side by side so it's completely shit.

He has now told me that he needs some space to get his head straight and figure out what the hell is wrong with him so is looking to move into an airbnb for a few weeks to work on caring for himself.

This is the first time his head has been turned so we are both in shock. Can anyone advise if moving out is a good idea? He is telling me that he wants to be with his family but doesn't want to fake things with me as regards his love for me. He said he needs to miss me and hopefully get back the love he once felt for me. I'm not confident that this is a good move for him as I feel we need to be together to talk things thru but maybe the space will do him good. I love him and would obviously not want him to move out but at the same time if he thinks this would do us good then I need to let him go for awhile. Would love to hear some feedback from anyone who has had a similar experience. Thanks.

OP posts:
desperatesux · 03/01/2019 14:33

You move out, my guess is that he will suddenly no longer "need space" if that was to happen. If he goes my bet is that he is gone for good. If you want to save things as others have said move out and don't do the pick me dance. If she was angry with him for not leaving you it was far more than a EA and they were v far down the road. You don't talk about leaving if there has only been a few drunken kisses

NameChangeNugget · 03/01/2019 14:34

I think he’s binning you off in a roundabout way. Sorry Flowers

Gazelda · 03/01/2019 14:34

The OW is right - he's a coward. He doesn't seem to want to accept responsibility for what he's done. He isn't prepared to stay and work on his marriage. He won't allow you the ability to release your anger at him. He's spending family money on 'trying to fall in love' with his wife! I bet he won't be doing the explaining to the DC and/or wider family. You'll be expected to continue pretending everything's normal.
Arse.

LemonTT · 03/01/2019 14:36

OP he didn’t have his head turned. He turned his head. And now he is leaving you. The prognosis is bad. I am very sorry but you are minimising this situation. He may not want to be with her, but he does not want to be with you.

Please don’t wait for him. Don’t let him back until he owns his behaviour and you are sure you want the man he really is.

Feckers2018 · 03/01/2019 14:37

Sorry OP but you are being incredably naive. Why are you believing everything he says?
It probably wasn't just EA
He's still seeing her
He wants a shag pad
He is acting as if he can't help himself...... we are shocked.....really?
Only kissed when tipsy......yeah right
He is feeding you lines so he can escape.
He is doing the opposite of what he would be doing if he cared about your marriage.
If you have a chance you need to do the 180. Win back some dignity.

ittakes2 · 03/01/2019 14:37

I’m sorry but if he knew he wanted to be with you he would be nailing himself to the floor to stay and running himself ragged to make it up to you. The fact he wants some space suggests he is just trying to soften the blow of leaving. I think if I was you I would suggest him staying while you both have counselling.

Tentomidnight · 03/01/2019 14:38

The OW wanted him to leave you after a few kisses?

Agree with the others, you need to decide what you want and stop allowing him to act like the injured party. The OW was right though, he IS a coward, unable to face up to the consequences of his actions.

Counselling and spare room is the only way forward ime. And make him read ‘Not Just Friends’ and ‘After The Affair’ cover to cover. They pull no punches about what he’ll need to do to be with you should you decide that you still want him.

Feckers2018 · 03/01/2019 14:38

I think its too late for counselling. Hes leaving and may not be back.

LightFire · 03/01/2019 14:40

Tell him you need space following his affair so you're moving to a hotel and you'll give him a bell if and when you fall back in love with him. In the meantime if he could paint the bathroom, that would be great.

THIS!!

Tentomidnight · 03/01/2019 14:41

If he refuses to do all that you ask, then there is your answer..

ladamanera · 03/01/2019 14:42

He is lying to you.

UnicornSlaughters · 03/01/2019 14:44

He doesn't get to call the shots now. He cheated, emotionally and physically. If she got angry with him for not leaving you then it sounds like he really strung her along and promised her the world. He is not the victim in all of this mess of his own doing.

When is he going to hand in his notice? Or is that just an empty gesture that you're also not allowed to bring up with him again?

safetyfreak · 03/01/2019 14:45

Sorry OP. He is hedging his bets here...he hasn't really made a choice.

I would not want to be playing the 'pick me' dance.

Tearsofthemushroom · 03/01/2019 14:47

I'm afraid that it doesn't sound hopeful, having lived through a similar situation myself I would recommend reading about 180 and thinking about how you make yourself stronger, just in case.

SparklyMagpie · 03/01/2019 14:48

Bollocks! Go on tell him you're the one moving out for a bit.

I wouldn't trust a word he says, an like has been said, a few kisses and she wanted an expected him to leave you?

He should be doing all he can if he wants to make it work, not fucking off to a lovely little air bnb

InteriorLulu · 03/01/2019 14:48

Mine said he'd move out when he was found out. Swore he'd ended it all with her. I refused and told him that he didn't get to have space while I disappeared into the nightmare. He stayed.

Turned out he hadn't finished it with her and he needed the space to try and decide who he wanted to be with FFS.

OP, sounds like he hasn't let her go. I'd be deeply suspicious of his suggestion - he'll be meeting up with her. If he's alone it will soon escalate and where will he be getting the money from? Your joint account? Arseholes to that.

You get to make the decision, not him. I told DH that I wasn't hanging around while he got to decide what happened to me...what my future would be, so I said I'd contact a solicitor and he'd be free. Strangely he didn't want that and everything that has happened since has been on my terms. We've still a long way to go.

You need to be in control of your own destiny. I know it's scary, but get a plan together, one that doesn't include him...see how you can make it work. It will give you power. I wish you luck OP, however things work out. Flowers

UnicornSlaughters · 03/01/2019 14:50

What @Lulu said

Tentomidnight · 03/01/2019 14:51

What is this 180 thing that a couple of you have mentioned?

CallMeSirShotsFired · 03/01/2019 15:00

He has said before that he doesn't want to talk about her as it usually ends in a fight and by him moving out prevents this. I have asked him about her as its too hard not to.

oh boo hoo him, can't face up to the repercussions of his actions.

He's basically hoping it'll all blow over one way or the other (you or the OW) and meantime, he gets a nice easy bachelor life while you deal with all the shitwork of life.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 03/01/2019 15:08

Another one saying that it’s you that needs space, not him. You take some time to care for yourself in an Air BnB. He can stay at home with the uncomfortable reality of what he’s done.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 03/01/2019 15:08

I'm so sorry but you absolutely need to wake the heck up.

The AirBnB is to trial shagging her, to see if leaving you is worth the hassle. If you want to try salvage things, move him into a spare room. If not, tell him he can go and that he will not be coming back.

If you believe his shit and let him call the shots and then come back when he feels like it, you're basically fucked forever.

SandyY2K · 03/01/2019 15:17

So he's telling you he doesn't love you...but wants to see if the love will come back...in an 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' type of way?

Yeah I wouldn't agree to this. It's stay or divorce for me.

I like this idea too...

Tell him you need space following his affair so you're moving to a hotel and you'll give him a bell if and when you fall back in love with him. In the meantime if he could paint the bathroom, that would be great.

Sarahjconnor · 03/01/2019 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fonduefrolics · 03/01/2019 15:38

I don’t know if the OP has watched that video but I have and it’s very pertinent.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 03/01/2019 15:39

Also...someone needing to miss you? FUCK OFF. They should want to be WITH you.

He has checked out and wants to see how singledom will feel, with none of the pressure first.