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Original poster

Dh said he needs space after ending EA

120 replies

Noone123 · 03/01/2019 13:53

My dh has recently ended an EA with a colleague at work. He is going to go ahead and quit his job so he no longer sees her. They work side by side so it's completely shit.

He has now told me that he needs some space to get his head straight and figure out what the hell is wrong with him so is looking to move into an airbnb for a few weeks to work on caring for himself.

This is the first time his head has been turned so we are both in shock. Can anyone advise if moving out is a good idea? He is telling me that he wants to be with his family but doesn't want to fake things with me as regards his love for me. He said he needs to miss me and hopefully get back the love he once felt for me. I'm not confident that this is a good move for him as I feel we need to be together to talk things thru but maybe the space will do him good. I love him and would obviously not want him to move out but at the same time if he thinks this would do us good then I need to let him go for awhile. Would love to hear some feedback from anyone who has had a similar experience. Thanks.

OP posts:
lucky88 · 03/01/2019 15:42

I'm really sorry to say this, but you need to stop being a push over. Have a bit more self-worth. Confused you should be loved and wanted.

He has cheated. Emotionally and physically. He isn't sure of his love for you. Wants time away... he's looking for an escape route from your relationship. Give it to him. ..... Free yourself from this BS. Why do you want him, when he doesn't love you and clearly has minimal respect for you?

Are you worried he'll start a full on relationship with the OW?

MistressDeeCee · 03/01/2019 15:47

he doesn't want to talk about her as it usually ends in a fight

Well it would, wouldn't it.

All too much for him, is it?

OP you sound too reasonable - but at the same time far too good for this utter fool who wants to shut you down whilst he navel-gazes like a green teen about wanting to get his end away with another woman.

Please don't let him dangle you. No 1 man in this 1 life is worth that. Stuff like this is shit, but you get over it in time even though it feels as if you never ever will.

He's not even trying to make it up with you. He wants you to shut your mouth, and he also wants to get away from you. That says it all.

Sorry💐

Honeyroar · 03/01/2019 16:09

He's going to quit the job he has alongside her, but hasn't done yet. He wants space to look after himself (what the hell does that involve!!). He needs to miss you and hopefully get the love back for you. He doesn't want to talk about it.

Bloody hell!! It's all about him, isn't it? He's basically saying he doesn't love you and he expects you to sit there devastated, hoping he decides he's going to come back and be a decent partner and father. Fuck that! He either puts 100% into his family and trying to mend the huge cracks he's caused or he buggers off right now. I don't know how you can even accept this. You have been put through enough (and probably you don't even know half of it because he won't even discuss it). Personally I'd be saying enough's enough of this man and all the pathetic crap that comes with him. But I know that's easy to say when it's not you. Look after yourself and your needs.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 03/01/2019 16:15

He has said before that he doesn't want to talk about her as it usually ends in a fight and by him moving out prevents this.

Who does he think he is to be making rules?
He's the jerk who cheated. He should be grovelling and begging you to forgive him.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2019 16:22

Tell him you need space following his affair so you're moving to a hotel and you'll give him a bell if and when you fall back in love with him

THIS WILL BELLS ON
He's cheated on you and then HE gets to dictate what happens next!?
NO way!
Find your backbone.
He can stay in the house and sort that out and you will find a nice room somewhere to get some space away from him and the house.
Stop letting him walk all over you!
It won't end well.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/01/2019 16:27

What a fucking wanker. He is spending family money on a shag pad for the OW. And even if he wasn’t - and he is - it’s still selfish and utter bullshit.

If he wanted to work on your relationship he would:

Stay.
Understand you will need to quiz him about the OW hundreds of times.
Understand that part of being sorry is dealing with your anger and knowing he deserves it.
Keep trying to prove himself to you.
Try to heal your trust.
Give you love.

Now, he’s not doing that...is he? Selfish prick. Protect yourself.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 03/01/2019 16:29

I don't know how you can even accept this.
OP, you are accepting it because you are in shock (he's not, btw) and you are used to trusting him.
Don't let him get his own way with messing you around any more.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 03/01/2019 16:37

How did you find out about it? Did H fess up because he 'felt so bad', did OW tell you, or what?
And has he put his notice in yet?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/01/2019 16:38

I’m sorry op, he’s had an affair so he should be bending over backwards to try and make it up to you! But somehow it sounds like he wants YOU to make it up to him - how does that work!

CallMeRachel · 03/01/2019 16:47

Sorry @Noone123 but he is absolutely hedging his bets and keeping you on a string while testing out single life.

He wants you thinking he's 'working on himself' while the OW is thinking he's left you for her.

Get your banking and any financial stuff sorted/protected NOW.

There's no way I'd be funding this debacle from family funds.

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/01/2019 17:02

Him moving out will stop his arguments with ow, because that is exactly what they argue about. Once he's stopped being a coward in her eyes by moving out, there's nothing for them to argue about.

I can only imagine what lies he's told her, for an emotional affair with a couple of kisses to turn into her being angry he hasn't left you yet.

Do you really believe it went from "I like you", then a drunken kiss to screaming arguments about him not leaving?

He's spinning you both a line. And he gets to decide if he loves YOU enough to try and save the marraige??! He should be begging you to still love him! Instead he's running away to 'think?! Wtf!

Jesus, this guy is so good he should teach classes on what to do when caught cheating?

MrsTerryPratcett · 03/01/2019 17:06

Do you have children? Because he needs a dose of reality, not fantasy. You have some time on your own, in a lovely hotel, while he picks up the slack. That way he sees what EOW will look like.

CallMeRachel · 03/01/2019 17:07

I don't agree he wants a shag pad - if she's single I'd imagine she's got her own place already where they can go.

HarrietOh · 03/01/2019 17:07

When my ex said he needed to move out to miss me and realised he does love me etc. It was all part of a plan to “phase me out” and be with OW (he admitted this later).

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/01/2019 17:09

Is this the guy that thinks he's done nothing wrong because he hasn't shagged her yet?

magoria · 03/01/2019 17:15

Basically he has just told you he doesn't love you any more.

Are you willing to wait around and 'hope' that he will fall in love with the boring what he already has life again over exciting new totty?

Not going to happen. Well not until he realises the grass isn't greener after he has tried exciting new totty and wants his creature comforts back again.

He has no respect for you. ell him you are not waiting around for him to make a decision and if he moves out your marriage is over, he can stay out and you will start the ball rolling with an official separating with a move to divorce.

You deserve better than wait and see if you are the lucky one.

Singlenotsingle · 03/01/2019 17:20

You need to listen to the MN people on here OP. They know what they're talking about, often from personal experience. You should tell him if he goes, he doesn't come back!

babysharkah · 03/01/2019 17:20

I'm sorry op, but I doubt he only kissed her. That's what he's prepared to admit to you at the moment. Sounds like he's checked out already.

subspace · 03/01/2019 17:21

I don't agree with the people saying she should go to a hotel - why the hell should she go anywhere except stay in her home?!

I have no idea on what to say about him going, though I agree with others that the money to do so shouldn't come from family money.

If he does go I'd treat it like the start of separation. Get ducks in a row, ensure he can't piss too much of your joint finances up the wall etc. He certainly wouldn't be coming back to use the washing machine, change stored clothes etc, he'd have to use a laundrette.

jelliebelly · 03/01/2019 17:21

If he wants to move out you can't stop him I guess but don't give him permission! He's telling you he doesn't love you anymore and he wants to try out living the life of a single man - If he leaves I'd be telling him he won't be coming back..

Dallasty · 03/01/2019 17:33

The shagging and kissing were totally alcohol free. He's moving out to make a smooth / hassle free transition away from you. You need to stop listening to this wankers BS and find your fire. Sorry OP.

SandyY2K · 03/01/2019 17:48

I'm not usually one to read the OPs history.... but ...

On reading how you said you emotionally abused him for years...this sounds like the end of your marriage. He had fallen out of love with you months ago.

Maybe that's why the OW called him a coward.

If this is the colleague 16 years younger ... it was on the cards way back in June.

Original poster
Noone123 · 03/01/2019 18:00

Thanks again everyone. Hi Sandy. He told me that I was very controlling regarding going out. He would go out and get absolutely blotto. Sometimes he came home sometimes he didn't. I worried about this each and every time he went out. He binge drinks and always has. This unfortunately has caused a lot of issues for us. A lot of the time I would get pissed at him and would be cold and stonewall him the following day as he always denied he had any issues with alcohol. This has obviously built up over the years. Our arguments wee constantly about him going out. He said eventually that this stopped him from going out. Its like he is rewriting history as he said he never went out but he did obviously as I can recall so many incidents. I obviously can't tell him as I don't want yo bring up that he has an issue with alcohol. In the last year he has hung out with his twenty something colleagues including her and I just believe he saw their lives and just wanted it. Off course I realise that I was controlling regarding that I fully admit to it.

OP posts:
deadliftgirl · 03/01/2019 18:04

I do not believe that space between you and your husband is what you both need. I think you both need to understand what went wrong in your marriage to make him have this EA with the other women. You both actually need to sit down and talk openly and ask him what was missing, what needs he had were not being fulfilled or what could change to make you both stronger again.

He could be stringing you along and he hasn't really ended it with her but honestly there is no prove of this so I cant say that for certain. I would tell him that you would rather he stay at home, end the job and work things out with you rather than having alone time. You need to trust him and a few weeks away is only going to mess with your head. But tell him your not going to stop him going if that what he truly wants and needs but that you do not want him to leave. Tell him you still love him and your marriage and commitment was about more than love, it was respect, honour and commitment to stay forever regardless of anything and that you want to honour that.

LIZS · 03/01/2019 18:07

Sadly I think he is just seeking your permission to go. Whether you choose bestow it or not the outcome will be the same but he can play more of a victim if you appear to throw him out. Tbh he does not sound a great loss - heavy drinking, emotional affair, snogs with much younger woman ... . Did he suggest you read up about your behaviour by any chance, take the blame? Ate you sure he did not gaslight you?

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