Why do the only 'healthy' relationships exist on Mumsnet?

[MrsTumbletap]

The relationships I know, see and hear about in real life and the relationships I hear about on Mumsnet seem so different, why?

So for example growing up:
My DF cheated on my DM
Uncle 1 was controlling and left my lovely auntie and cousin and started a new family
Uncle 2 was physically abusive and we took my auntie in covered in bruises, they divorced.
Uncle 3 had two affairs and got the OW pregnant, they divorced.
My grandparents were quite miserable, separate rooms, no love present.
My DH's parents hate each other together for financial reasons

Then I look at my friends:
Friends 1, they don't communicate several affairs, very unhappy.
Friends 2, Abusive verbally, won't leave due to finances
Friends 3, Abusive verbally, won't leave due to children and finances
Friends 4, Controlling, jealous, led to affairs, miserable but pretend they are happy.
Friends 5, Physically and verbally abusive, thinks they are just 'passionate'.
Friend 6, husband is an alcoholic and not functioning, circle of abuse.

Then there are my colleagues, I could go on and on and on. I don't know of anyone truly happy, I don't know of anyone that isn't being cheated on or lied to, or being controlled or putting up with their OH, or isn't miserable, or is in denial of how their relationship is.

Then there is Mumsnet.........where there are so many women happy with their lovely DH, in equal relationships, their OH would never call them names, don't have a temper, they don't ever lie, would never cheat, they aren't controlling, they don't have addictions, they don't say hurtful things, they are lovely.

I don't understand the difference between reality and Mumsnet. It's like there are these amazing relationships on here with amazing men, women are so happy, but I don't see them in real life. How can this be?

Erm... I think you have a rather unusual set of relatives/ friends! A fair few failed relationships amongst mine, but also lots of great ones.

That's really unusual to me.

I have to rack my brains to come up with divorces in my current family. Though unusually for the time one set of grandparents divorced.

I know of plenty of people who have had affairs but remained married. It is very, very common. Only on mumsnet do they always split up once the affairs are discovered.

I also know a lot of single people in their 40s and 50s who never found anyone to set up home with and now have given up on finding someone. In my world if you split from your husband after the age of about 40 your chances of finding anyone else are slim. But on mumsnet loads of people split with their partner and meet someone fantastic.

You only have to scroll down on here to see how many bad relationships there are though?

Your experience is not the norm. Both sets of my grandparents were together until one partner died over 40+ years. My parents are 40+ years. My DH and I over 20 years. Both my best friends have been married over 20 years.

I think you have witnessed only bad relationships which is quite sad. I have myself been in bad relationships but have now found this healthy relationship and married him. We are really and truly happy.

How do you feel about relationships?

Of course I have seen some dysfunctional stuff, but for the most part, the couples I personally know of are pretty decent to each other the majority of the time.

Lots of unhappy couples in my group of friends as well. Some I know of because I've been told, others appear to be together for the sake of children.

And some appear genuinely very happy.

I do think a lot of couples grow apart. Relationships take work. I think sometimes that gets forgotten.

Most of my adult relatives are divorced or have kids with more than one partner. To me, that isn't a failed relationship, it's a relationship that has ended.

That's different to abuse, cheating etc.

I'm really happy.

But you only have to look at the Relationships board here for lots of misery.

Get real! There are many very unhealthy relationships talked about on Mumsnet. Have we been reading different sites? Some I've read about on here have been appalling and very upsetting.

Of course there are some quite healthy relationships, they can't all be bad.

That's not to say the relationships I'm aware of are amazing! More mundane I would say, and that's fine by me.

I suppose because you have probably at most 50 friends and there are thousands of people on here. For me it's opposite, I know a few people in not so great relationships but few divorces and no domestic abuse. Some of the threads on here leave me

But it doesn't mean everyone is in a perfect relationship and happy all the time. It's more of a neutral feeling IMO.

Yes they are unhappy relationships out there but the examples from your life very much seem extreme to me.

Because it's online and most people lie/or are in denial.

But, you knew that, didn't you?

So you post this rant under the false pretense that you have no idea how this can be, and blah, blah, blah.

Grow up for fuck's sake.
And, while you're at it- get some empathy.

One reason is that people are more likely to be honest about being happy and having a good relationship on here, anonymously, than they are in real life. When you're out with your friends and a few people are bitching and moaning at volume and length about how shit their DP/DH is, is anyone likely to pipe up that actually they're blissfully happy, they have an equal partnership, their sex life is amazing, they feel cherished and appreciated?

Not a chance! You'd be accused of being smug and insensitive, or of straight out lying.

Thinking of my parents and their siblings
Couple 1 - he had affairs when young, but the marriage lasted until his death.
Couple 2 - he was controlling and she would be told to LTB by mumsnet, but the marriage lasted until his death and I know she misses him terribly
Couple 3 - he had an affair and was going to leave his wife, but in the end they stayed together for the children. Marriage lasted until his death. Again I know she misses him terribly
Couple 4 - no issues that I know of
Couple 5 - no issues that I know of, but he has a child from a broken teenage relationship
Couple 6 - domestic abuse and divorce. Since remarried and no issues that I know of
Couple 7 divorced, married again. Affair in second marriage, but they are still together

So yeah, my experience is much like OPs

Your experience sounds totally alien to me op. I have a happy healthy marriage, as do my siblings, parents and wider family. But, MN is full of bad relationships, surely you've read the relationships board, it's hardly a bundle of joy!

Because it's online and most people lie/or are in denial.

An opposite point to the one I was making! Fair enough

Most relationships will have good and bad sides. Pp said mundane and I think that's a good word for it.

I disagree OP.

There are millions of MNers - so there are obviously going to be lots of happily married couples among them.

In RL I know very few people who have divorced. I don't know how many of the married couples I know are 'genuinely' happy behind the scenes, but most of them appear to be at least.

I am one of those MNers who is happily married btw. Your post seems to imply that people can't really have happy marriages and are making it up for the hell of it, but why bother?

I hardly know of any bad relationships. No divorce, abuse or problematic relationships in my family or dh's. One divorce among all our friends. To me MN seems full of awful stories of abusive and unfaithful men.

I have friends and family who have strong never faltered relationships and also many that have gone to shit.

What I have noticed recently is the amount of people I know who have been together a long time splitting up. Got together young (small town mentality), had kids, kids are older, now they are splitting. And what you find out after people have split is what you saw wasn't always what was happening.

Two friends of mine, 4 kids and 1 adopted extended family member, always touchy feely and happy, have just split up. Was a BIG shock to most people as they seemed like your poster couple. Seems all was not well in their world in reality.

I think the stats say almost 1 in 2 marriages now end in divcorce don't they? If you factor in all the people who don't split but should, that number would be much higher!

Because it’s easy for people to lie/delude themselves/forget what actually goes on in their relationships and homes, when they are addressing someone else’s domestic disputes on mumsnet.

I think the oppostive ! There are so many unhappy relationships on Mumsnet, and, sadly, so many women with low self esteem who seem to put up with horrendous situations just for the sake of 'having a man in their life'. And so many families who don't talk to each other.

In the circle I move in the majority are married or in stable relationships (not necessarily blissfully happy - but realistic about what a relationship involves ) and I can only think of two instances where people don't speak to each other or have really awful relationships - sadly mainly due to MH issues.