Why do the only 'healthy' relationships exist on Mumsnet?

[MrsTumbletap]

The relationships I know, see and hear about in real life and the relationships I hear about on Mumsnet seem so different, why?

So for example growing up:
My DF cheated on my DM
Uncle 1 was controlling and left my lovely auntie and cousin and started a new family
Uncle 2 was physically abusive and we took my auntie in covered in bruises, they divorced.
Uncle 3 had two affairs and got the OW pregnant, they divorced.
My grandparents were quite miserable, separate rooms, no love present.
My DH's parents hate each other together for financial reasons

Then I look at my friends:
Friends 1, they don't communicate several affairs, very unhappy.
Friends 2, Abusive verbally, won't leave due to finances
Friends 3, Abusive verbally, won't leave due to children and finances
Friends 4, Controlling, jealous, led to affairs, miserable but pretend they are happy.
Friends 5, Physically and verbally abusive, thinks they are just 'passionate'.
Friend 6, husband is an alcoholic and not functioning, circle of abuse.

Then there are my colleagues, I could go on and on and on. I don't know of anyone truly happy, I don't know of anyone that isn't being cheated on or lied to, or being controlled or putting up with their OH, or isn't miserable, or is in denial of how their relationship is.

Then there is Mumsnet.........where there are so many women happy with their lovely DH, in equal relationships, their OH would never call them names, don't have a temper, they don't ever lie, would never cheat, they aren't controlling, they don't have addictions, they don't say hurtful things, they are lovely.

I don't understand the difference between reality and Mumsnet. It's like there are these amazing relationships on here with amazing men, women are so happy, but I don't see them in real life. How can this be?

@Amazonfromkent how on earth can children be left out of this? Boys become men, so is your son vile and a liar? I absolutely HATE hearing women spit about men when they have sons, it's not healthy for anyone to do, but when they have sons it's disturbing and I dread to think what those boys have been subjected to growing up.

@user, do you possess a crystal ball and can see the future??? Do tell..

All of the vile, disgusting, perverted, selfish and abhorrent men once used to be innocent children. Fact of life, @user.

@Amazonfromkent if my sons grow up to become dicks it's because they dicks on the inside, not because they have one on the outside. Just as some women are dicks :) You saying the men you have had bad experiences with were bad because they were men, well that just makes them unaccountable for their actions, you should expect more from people, don't let them get away with it due to something they cannot control.

And if you raise sons making it quite clear to them what you think they'll turn into because of their genitalia, then how do you expect them to turn out?

Wow I’ve found the exact opposite. MN is full of people posting about abusive men, affairs, partners who do nothing but are somehow ‘great dads’ and just general nastiness to each other. I know a few couples like that but certainly not the norm.

@user, your fixation on genitalia is very unfortunate. My experiences with men do range from bad to great, but thanks for your concern. No matter how much you try to dress up gender in ribbons and bows, it won't stop nature it the way things just are.

@Amazonfromkent so you've had great experience with men....have they defied their nature? You haven't explained if your son is vile, selfish, perverted etc? Do you have some scientific evidence to back up these claims you are making? Because I assume we are talking anecdotally here, and I can say that I have come across some royal twats in my time, and some crackers, and I am not seeing the correlation with their gender?

I think maybe your circle is disproportionately dysfunctional. But that’s often how it works - people enact the relationship models they grow up with so you tend to see patterns of behaviour.

^This sums it up. People are also drawn to similar people. This is also the reason why if SW have removed a child for protection reasons it can be difficult to place them with the preferred option of another family member.

For what its worth I only know 7 divorced couples and 5 children involved, including two weddings involved a pregnant teenage bride!

Dear @user, what's your point?? Statistics speak against you. Nothing personal.

@Amazonfromkent is your son a vile, perverted, selfish liar?

Ah statistics! Yes, let's have some statistics!

Can anyone do a spreadsheet of the replies on here?

@Haffiana I seemed to have missed the Office for National Statistics' quarterly update on why men are bastards.

I tend to agree re men, amazon, and can support other pp statements about unfaithful married men at work.

Men are a big problem generally. Across my life i have met maybe 10 who i would consider solid gold. The rest are common garden variety who are, i am sorry to say, pretty narcissistic and vile.

Who starts wars? Who commits the majority of violent crime etc? Hint: not women.

Thats not to say some women arent appalling, but not in the same numbers or to the same degree.

I know very few couples who are genuinely happy. Most stay out of convenience i feel.

@user. He is only young so hopefully not. But great move making it personal. Brava.

Again, yes, kill me and throw your rotten tomatoes my way. But hell, denial is stronger than reason ladies.

@Amazonfromkent how can it not be personal? Half the people we know are men, if you think they are doomed to be bad people how can people not take that personally? I think have a little self respect, walk away from people who are worth less than you and have the intelligence to not blame it on their gender.

@user, thanks and long may you be happy. Really mean it.

@Amazonfromkent thanks :) hope you let yourself be happy one day too.

@user, I'm so glad I have your permission.

@im sure had I known you personally... Id see your denail in all its glory. Lets not go there. Anyway, toodles!!!

@Amazonfromkent and I can see your your loneliness, regret and self-loathing through your posts alone. Happy to go there. Off you go then, or we can keep derailing the thread vying for the final word 😉

I can't believe you still can't leave it alone babe x

My husband and I were talking recently about how neither of us had ever heard our fathers raise their voices to our mothers, or put them down. And we have never communicated that way either, although I'd be lying if I said that we had never ever raised our voices to each other. But rarely. Maybe half a dozen times in the 25 years that we have been together.

I wouldn't say we're blissfully happy, because I don't really believe that blissfully happy exists.

But I don't think we're unusual. Most of my friends seem to be in similar relationships. Not perfect, but perfectly OK.

My grandfather, who fought in ww2 from aged 18, was a perfect human being. After the war (in mainland Russia) when there was an abundance of women and an utter lack of men, he married a widow with a child. He was honest, committed, and spent his entire life serving his country, his family, and his friends. He had no vices. He was an utter Saint. Sadly, with him died my expectations of similar conduct in other men I encountered, ACROSS TWO CONTINENTS. Please don't give me your sermons or urge me to dig up my self respect from the refuse bin. Do not judge, and hope and pray your life continues in the good course. Best of luck.

I can't believe you still can't leave it alone babe x