Why do the only 'healthy' relationships exist on Mumsnet?

[MrsTumbletap]

The relationships I know, see and hear about in real life and the relationships I hear about on Mumsnet seem so different, why?

So for example growing up:
My DF cheated on my DM
Uncle 1 was controlling and left my lovely auntie and cousin and started a new family
Uncle 2 was physically abusive and we took my auntie in covered in bruises, they divorced.
Uncle 3 had two affairs and got the OW pregnant, they divorced.
My grandparents were quite miserable, separate rooms, no love present.
My DH's parents hate each other together for financial reasons

Then I look at my friends:
Friends 1, they don't communicate several affairs, very unhappy.
Friends 2, Abusive verbally, won't leave due to finances
Friends 3, Abusive verbally, won't leave due to children and finances
Friends 4, Controlling, jealous, led to affairs, miserable but pretend they are happy.
Friends 5, Physically and verbally abusive, thinks they are just 'passionate'.
Friend 6, husband is an alcoholic and not functioning, circle of abuse.

Then there are my colleagues, I could go on and on and on. I don't know of anyone truly happy, I don't know of anyone that isn't being cheated on or lied to, or being controlled or putting up with their OH, or isn't miserable, or is in denial of how their relationship is.

Then there is Mumsnet.........where there are so many women happy with their lovely DH, in equal relationships, their OH would never call them names, don't have a temper, they don't ever lie, would never cheat, they aren't controlling, they don't have addictions, they don't say hurtful things, they are lovely.

I don't understand the difference between reality and Mumsnet. It's like there are these amazing relationships on here with amazing men, women are so happy, but I don't see them in real life. How can this be?

I'm sorry but to me, as described, it is a very skewed close peer group.

Carol maybe some people 'don't like to hear this' because it's not true for them! Are you seriously suggesting that people can't be saying they're happy in their relationship just because they are? That's really sad.

I would certainly get defensive about my relationship if somebody suggested me/DH were 'pretending' we were happy, or that one of us is secretly controlling the other. We are very happy with each other and I'm proud of that.

Another who thinks you have a very skewed view of life from your rather unusual peer group.
I've learned far more about the number of poor relationships on MN than I know of in my actual life.

I don’t expect to be consistently ‘blissfully happy’ in any aspect of my life - I’m far too intelligent and far too multi-dimensional for that kind of simplistic thinking - so I certainly wouldn’t expect it of a relationship.

@FayFortune I can't even say that it is a close peer group. Some of these friends don't even know each other. My friends don't know my colleagues and my family don't know my friends.

These are people from different generations, different types of social groups with different careers and different family set ups.

It gives me faith that some of you are very happy. I wish I worked with you, or knew you.

There seem to be quite a few people that have the same experience as me, and don't see happy relationships as common place. That is sad.

OP do you mean that you don't know a relationship where someone has NEVER lied (so no of course your penis is bigger / I've had this dress years / your mums cake is lovely / I dint resent you drinking and going out whilst I'm pregnant) or where there isn't constant lying?

I'd accept there are few relationships where there has never been a single moment that isn't perfection and happiness but you really need to expect and give better in relationships

This is bizarre. I come on here for a few minutes and usually feel quite depressed as there are so many liars and cheats. The positive is that there is always good advice, but there are lots of poor relationships. Obviously or this forum wouldn't exist.

Your experience of relationships is completely different from mine:

GP - both long and happy marriages
DP - married happily for over 50 years
Dsis - divorced cheating husband aged 60
Aunts and Uncles - no separations or divorces - one couple celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary.
15 cousins and partners still all married with the exception of two who divorced many years ago and have been long term married to second partners.
1 friend divorced her husband because he was an alcoholic, tried to commit suicide and he ended up in a home.
1 friend divorced first husband as he was physically abusive.
Many other friends - all still happily married

I honestly think yours are not the norm.

I find MN a bit frustrating at times. There does tend to be a little bit of “if your life doesn’t follow my personal version of normal then you must be lying”.

So you are lying if you say you would tell the cashier they’d undercharged you.
You are lying (or deluded) if your DH doesn’t go to strip clubs.
You are lying if you say your kids are well behaved.
You are lying if you say you have a happy marriage.

It makes me a bit sad really.

Regardless OP if you worked with me you probably wouldn’t be aware of how happily married I am. I don’t go round the office announcing how lovely my DH is and how good our relationship is. I rarely mention my family at work.

I’m a bit surprised you know all these male colleagues who are open about sleeping with other women. I genuinely can’t imagine how that comes up during the working day!

I think it might be something to do with me though. People tend to confide in me when they’re unhappy. I left a very unhappy relationship so perhaps they think I’m a safe bet to talk to about it.
Though it does make me feel that I am surrounded by unhappy people

I've just remembered a family story of infidelity in the older generation.

Thing is I don't consider that marriage a failure. There was a separation and reconciliation. They went on to live out their days together and were quite a couple. Two strong characters but they created something between them.

I think today maybe they wouldn't have got married so quickly and it would have been a first love that busted up spectacularly.

I have read loads of posts on here where the relationships aren't perfect. However, on my Facebook feed everyone supposedly has a perfect life forgetting that people know them in real life and their life is very far from perfect.

Op, totally on the money. MN is lala land where desperately sad women pretend to be warrior go getters who'd never be bossed around. As if.

I agree op. I dont have know anyone that doesnt argue with their partners, all of the relationships I know involve cheating, lies, DV... yet on here people never argue with their partners 🤷‍♀️

I know of two failed relationships in my friends and family. Look at the relationships boards and you’ll see everything you’ve experienced in your life.

Denial is a default setting for most women because they are involved with men. As men are mainly vile, lying, selfish narcissists there's no other coping mechanism but to pretend that YOU are calling the shots and everything is rosy. Far from.

I think there is some sterling advice dished out on relationships on mumsnet - posters are quick to spot abuse for example, and call it for what it is. I like that about it.

However, OPs need to remember when they are being told, “I’d never put up with that!”, the poster isn’t saying what they do put up with. There is a dark undercurrent of superior victim blaming on this site at times.

In my very humble opinion, women who proclaim on MN that they are this and that, cherished, respected, etc etc are just ball busters who'd bagged themselves spineless, meek men they manage to supress and control. Good luck to them.

Because it’s a larger sector of the public maybe?

I don’t know anyone who has suffered in a relationship with domestic violence but I see a lot of that on here, that doesn’t mean that DV only exists in MN, it’s just not in my small selection of family / friends.

@Amazonfromkent I'll be sure to tell my sons that when I tuck them into bed tonight, I'd hate for them to amount to good people, their penises must forbid it.

So are they weak liars or bossy harridans?

It's all a bit contradictory!

Userme, call me a cynic but let's leave children out of this discussion please? My son is 24. Your children do not encompass human morals and neither do mine. Happy New year.

@pictish I do believe there is an element of that too.

I have friends that say they wouldn't put up with what friend X puts up with as their DH is so moody, doesn't talk to them for days, makes her feel guilty for going out with her friends etc which is controlling. But they have a husband that does nothing around the house, doesn't get involved with the children and is basically a slave to him.

That friend would consider her marriage healthier, friend X would consider her marriage healthier, as her husband is great with the kids and cooks, does the washing etc. Just gives her a hard time if she wants to see her friends.

So is it about perspective and actually both marriages are fine and the wives put up with their husbands ways with an eye roll? If they posted on here I'm sure they would get "why are you with someone so controlling?"
Or "he is a cocklodger, LTB".

Both of these lovely women will never leave their husbands and would say they are generally happy.