Why do the only 'healthy' relationships exist on Mumsnet?

[MrsTumbletap]

The relationships I know, see and hear about in real life and the relationships I hear about on Mumsnet seem so different, why?

So for example growing up:
My DF cheated on my DM
Uncle 1 was controlling and left my lovely auntie and cousin and started a new family
Uncle 2 was physically abusive and we took my auntie in covered in bruises, they divorced.
Uncle 3 had two affairs and got the OW pregnant, they divorced.
My grandparents were quite miserable, separate rooms, no love present.
My DH's parents hate each other together for financial reasons

Then I look at my friends:
Friends 1, they don't communicate several affairs, very unhappy.
Friends 2, Abusive verbally, won't leave due to finances
Friends 3, Abusive verbally, won't leave due to children and finances
Friends 4, Controlling, jealous, led to affairs, miserable but pretend they are happy.
Friends 5, Physically and verbally abusive, thinks they are just 'passionate'.
Friend 6, husband is an alcoholic and not functioning, circle of abuse.

Then there are my colleagues, I could go on and on and on. I don't know of anyone truly happy, I don't know of anyone that isn't being cheated on or lied to, or being controlled or putting up with their OH, or isn't miserable, or is in denial of how their relationship is.

Then there is Mumsnet.........where there are so many women happy with their lovely DH, in equal relationships, their OH would never call them names, don't have a temper, they don't ever lie, would never cheat, they aren't controlling, they don't have addictions, they don't say hurtful things, they are lovely.

I don't understand the difference between reality and Mumsnet. It's like there are these amazing relationships on here with amazing men, women are so happy, but I don't see them in real life. How can this be?

I know one person who divorced after about a year of marriage in their twenties, twenty odd years ago. It's a divorce statistic but nowhere near the upheaval of splitting up from a much longer ltr with children involved.

It's one of the divorces I know of that I have to rack my brains for!

True there are many unhappy relationships talked about on Mumsnet but so many good ones too.

Annelovesgilbert true, but they wouldn't need to say they are blissfully happy when you can see that they are not. They just put up with what a lot of women on here wouldn't, they would be told to LTB, but they just plod along.

Ragwort so to take what you said there, you know of people in marriages not blissfully happy, but realistic. If there are no signs of abuse, neglect, lying etc. Do you know why they aren't happy?

I have to say I never give advice on here about relationships!

You'd be better off taking advice from people who have lived through problems and learnt from their life experience. So if people with picture perfect lives are giving advice I'd be wary of it tbh.

I actually think it's the opposite. I've been pretty shocked by how many people on here seem to be in pretty terrible relationships with awful men, and particularly appalled by how often other women minimise abusive behaviour, presumably because they themselves are victims of it and are either unwilling to admit it to themselves or have become so used to it that it doesn't strike them as strange. I find it very sad, if I'm honest, that so many women have had their confidence and self-respect chipped away so much

Oh I see couples irl who after having a couple of children seem a bit worn out and fed up. Or maybe I am just projecting!

P.s I don’t think that’s always the case...but it sometimes is.
It’s incredible how many perfect parents there are on here. Have you noticed that? Of course they’re not really - but for the sake of their paragraph to chide someone else’s parenting, they are.
Same in relationships in my opinion.

OP, do you really not know any people in relationships you would deem healthy?

I'm the only divorced member of my immediate family. My lot seem to mate for life. Typical me

My mates are all pretty settled as well. Ho hum.

Really?! All I see on here is people moaning and complaining about their 'DH' who doesn't pull their weight with the household and child care or they've caught them out having an affair. I'd say having a normal healthy relationship on here is the exception.

In real life, I do know people who have had affairs and people who have broken up. But my parents are still married after over 40 years together. I've been with DH for 17 years as has my Dsis and BIL. I have other siblings who have been single most of their adult lives.

Oh I definitely see people unhappy in their relationships on here, of course we all do.

But what I'm saying is the only blisssfully happy relationships I see where there is no controlling, name calling, shouting, infidelity, lying or addiction, is on here.

It depends on your perspective.

I read the relationship boards with a mixture of horror, sadness and frustration at what some poor souls put up with in their relationships.

By contrast:

My DPs: very happily married for 45 years.

My PILs: perhaps not quite as blissfully happy as my DPs but certainly would consider themselves happy. Married 50 years, together 60.

Aunts and Uncles: all married and cheerful after 40 years plus.

My Siblings and cousins: all happily married long term.

My friends: some happier than others but no abusive relationships.

I only know three sets of close friends who have divorced: one very sadly following a bereavement, two following male infidelity.

With the 2 divorces following infidelity my DH and his friends were extremely shocked and disgusted by the behaviour of the husband.

In my social circle it’s absolutely not considered normal for the men to be useless, lazy, disrespectful, or unkind to their wives and partners.

You never really know what goes on behind closed doors of course but they all seem to love each other, have fun together and work as a team.

I’m sorry your family hasn’t been happier.

@CluedoAddict when you say Both sets of my grandparents were together until one partner died over 40+ years. My parents are 40+ years. My DH and I over 20 years. Both my best friends have been married over 20 years.

In those relationships was there any verbal abuse, controlling behaviour, sulking for 2days, name calling or shouting and slamming, no lying, cheating, addiction etc?

All I see on here is people moaning and complaining about their 'DH' who doesn't pull their weight with the household and child care or they've caught them out having an affair. I'd say having a normal healthy relationship on here is the exception.

Sure. But when did it last occur to you to bother letting anyone know your husband made you a cuppa and gave you a foot rub while asking what you want for dinner and listening to you talk about your day? If you're happy usually it's unremarkable, and you don't need any help or advice. If you're unhappy, it's nice but probably doesn't counteract what's wrong in your relationship.

It's the same in my circle OP. The only 'healthy' ltr I can think of is my ex IL's (but he often tells her off and belittles her, they seem generally happy tho) and maybe one set of my own GP's. But again I get the impression that lots had happened in the early days of their relationship.

Friends are mostly on their second third marriage or LTR and so many of them have had affairs or their partners have. It's not uncommon to get hit on by someone married.

I'd agree with blissfully happy op. Maybe that's because the standard I've ended up with isn't at that level either.

So in my mind I slightly distrust the lovely man, blissful relationship idea.
But I suspect they are really out there.

@AnneLovesGilbert exactly, with friends clearly caught in the cycle of abuse their husbands will be abusive then spend the next week being lovely offering coffee in bed and cooking dinner, they then think their relationship is healthy. And it's the 'ups and downs' of love.

I think the more mundane marriages are maybe a sign of stability. But then there will be some people that would be frustrated with the lack of passion that maybe a stable relationship brings.

What makes you think only good relationships exist on MN? It’s the opposite in my experience. Because happy settled people in good relationships don’t have reason to come here and post about it, the vast vast majority of relationships discussed on here are in real trouble.

Hand on heart I know of no-one in my family or friends who are involved in a relationship where there is "verbal abuse, controlling behaviour, sulking for 2days, name calling or shouting and slamming, no lying, cheating, addiction etc". That really, really isn't the norm for everybody.

controlling, name calling, shouting, infidelity, lying or addiction

You can never really know about infidelity or lying I suppose and even the healthiest relationships will have the odd “loud” argument but name calling, addiction, controlling? No

I actually think it's the opposite. I've been pretty shocked by how many people on here seem to be in pretty terrible relationships with awful men, and particularly appalled by how often other women minimise abusive behaviour, presumably because they themselves are victims of it and are either unwilling to admit it to themselves or have become so used to it that it doesn't strike them as strange.

This is so true. It can become a bit of an echo chamber on some threads once a few pally posters band together and decide that the shitty behaviour an OP has come for advice about isn’t that bad after all (and accuse everyone else of baying for a divorce). The upshot is that the OP who came to ask whether they were wrong to be bothered by a behaviour (usually pretty atrocious stuff like abuse, infidelity, lies) doubts themselves even more.

I get it: if you tolerate these things for yourself, or feel you have no choice, you can’t exactly tell someone else it’s appalling behaviour and they should find the self respect to walk away, as it hits too close to home.

I’m frequently astonished by the behaviour people will put up with in their relationships on MN, usually with a ‘men, eh?’ shrug. Finding a partner who doesn’t cheat, doesn’t lie, works, takes care of the kids, pulls their weight around the house and is kind and respectful should be a pretty low bar to clear, but on MN as so many of the posts are from people in awful relationships it’s treated like the holy grail, unobtainable, and that is then used as justification for putting up and shutting up.

In those relationships was there any verbal abuse, controlling behavior, sulking for 2days, name calling or shouting and slamming, no lying, cheating, addiction etc?

Can hand on heart say I don't know anyone who behaves like that. My BiL doesn't pull his weight and is a bit of a knob, but no, no marriages like that amongst my friends or family.

I think your last post is quite telling OP.

“Mundane marriages”
“Stable relationships might lack passion”

My DH and I are very happy.

We’ve been together since we were teenagers (30 years).

Our marriage isn’t mundane. We don’t lack passion.

Neither from what I observe do my parents or my siblings.

Stable doesn’t have to mean boring.

We have fun together. We love spending time together both alone and with the D.C.

We laugh lots, dance in the kitchen and still hold hands.

I accept that what we have might not be all that common but it is possible.

I think maybe your circle is disproportionately dysfunctional. But that’s often how it works - people enact the relationship models they grow up with so you tend to see patterns of behaviour.

My relationship is a very good, healthy one. Last year we had the first real crisis in our quite long relationship, mostly due to a very difficult year with a bereavement and a serious illness in the family which was so stressful and definitely put a strain on us. I railed and ranted and vented about him to my friends and I really felt like we didn’t like each other much for a while. But we got through it and I love him more than ever and we are close and respectful and cherish each other just like we always have. It’s not perfect by any means but it’s happy. My parents are divorced and have each remarried, and their relationships are good too. It would not be considered the norm in my circle to be cheating, abusive or any of the other things you mention.

And we are also very passionate and still intensely attracted to each other. I think stable, secure relationships can also be exciting and sexually charged.