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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell him I'm looking to move out?

123 replies

Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 08:21

NC'd for this.

I am currently living with 'D' P and his family as I was as kicked out of my family home. I'm 23 so still live with parents in the SE as house prices are so expensive.

I've been living with DP and his family for around 3 weeks. He can be lovely one day and the next day he can be a complete twat. He struggles with substance abuse and is generally not a nice person when he's been taking it, or the day after when he's hungover and feeling the effects.

He likes to have power over me, and me living at his is his way of having power. He says things like 'don't talk to me like that in my own house' if we have a disagreement, always makes it very clear its his house and just generally makes me feel uncomfortable.

Yesterday, he asked me a question and I answered honestly, he didn't like my answer so he started shouting and swearing at me and punched his chest of drawers...

All of the time I've been living at his I've been looking for a place of my own, I haven't mentioned this to him. He argued with me the other day and told me I should find somewhere else to go, so I told him I'd start looking.

I've found a place, 5 minutes away from my work, and somewhere I could afford on my own. The thing is, I'm scared to tell him. I've contacted the agent to ask if I can view the property, but I'm scared to tell 'D' P as I don't know how he will react. How would you approach this situation?

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 02/01/2019 08:23

Honestly, I'd not say a word and wait until he was out to move out.

Karwomannghia · 02/01/2019 08:25

Agreed. It will start an argument. Just move out ASAP and don’t look back.

Littlegoth · 02/01/2019 08:25

I agree, leave while he is out. Don’t give him your new address, he sounds awful.

2cats2many · 02/01/2019 08:25

You sound genuinely scared of him.

Just move out and let him know after the event.

And definitely move out. And definitely tell him that it's over afterwards. He sounds controlling, violent and dangerous.

Good luck!

billybagpuss · 02/01/2019 08:26

Please tell me he will no longer be your dp when you’ve moved out. No one should be scared to talk to their partner.

Say nothing just get out of there.

jimmyjammy001 · 02/01/2019 08:31

I would view the property alone and if you like it get it, pre pack your bags and then the next time he has a go at you/tells you to find somewhere else for no reason tell him your leaving and go to your new property, on the way out of the door tell him he's dumped for the way he treats you.
That is what I have done in the past in similar situations when I have not been happy with the way I have been treated, I know things are coming to a blow on an almost daily basis then I set something up in secret and then the next time it happens I'm off, it feels great at the time and after to just walk out and gives them the shock of their lives as they didn't see it coming for a second.

AdoreTheBeach · 02/01/2019 08:31

Agree with above.

Text him once you’ve moved out.

But do ensure you let his family know you’ve moved out too, thank them for letting you stay, especially over the holidays. Don’t know if you paid them rent but maybe a small gift to say thank you too.

The DP is definitely someone to leave behind - drugs and abusive, verbally now but the chest of drawers punching would have me on edge of things escalating.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 08:39

This is what I'm scared of, having to lie about it whilst I'm there. I will speak with his mum and tell her my plans. She is lovely and I'd want her to know before I did anything.

I know he'll accuse me of using him, his house and his parents, which isn't the case at all. I just want to get myself sorted and focus on me this year, but the worry of him finding out is still there.

He made a 'joke' comment last night when I went downstairs to get a drink, he said 'Don't come back', I replied with 'Don't worry, I won't soon', when I came back upstairs he said I might as well go now as I said 'soon'. It's the constant living in fear or what mood he's going to be in. He's allowed to say whatever he wants to me, but as soon as I retaliate or say something he doesn't like he kicks off, starts an argument then gives me the silent treatment for hours, even days!

OP posts:
costacoffeecup · 02/01/2019 08:41

He doesn't seem to want you there and you don't want to be there so win win. I'd wait until you can leave straight away though as I think if you tell him he'll want you to leave ASAP.

Karwomannghia · 02/01/2019 08:42

Don’t speak to his mum! She will tell him, she’s his mum. Write them a letter afterwards.

MitziK · 02/01/2019 08:52

Don't tell ANYBODY until you're safely in your new home. No, not even his Mum. And don't tell either of them your new address, either.

Better still, don't tell HIM anything at all - get your stuff, move out when he's not in is out scoring some more shit block his mobile number and then call his Mum to thank her but say you have left because he is an abusive, violent junkie and for that reason, you will not be providing an address.

Tell your work privately and they'll be able to look out for you in the event that he decides to show up there/loiter around outside hoping to follow you home.

And if he does show up at your work/new home (FFS, just take it, you can move again if you don't like it once you're safe), call the police.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 08:54

One day he'll say I can stay as long as I want, the next he'll tell me he wants me to leave. It completely depends on his mood that day.

I don't think his mum would say anything... But not guaranteed, so maybe I'll keep it quiet. I just feel bad, staying there and then just getting up and leaving one day.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/01/2019 08:58

Don't tell anyone.
This guy is very abusive and you need to protect yourself.
Abusers escalate when they feel they are losing control of their 'victim'
Just go about it all quietly in the background.
When everything is in place just move out and leave a note and don't look back. Don't tell any of them where you are going.
I've no idea what you learned about relationships growing up, but this is NOT OK!
You would benefit from doing the Womens Aid Freedom Programme.
You need to spot red flags far sooner and learn to put some boundaries in place.
Get out and good luck.

Maelstrop · 02/01/2019 08:58

Dump this idiot. Don't give him your address. Don't let him move in with you. He sounds horrible.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 09:04

Yes, this relationship has made me lose myself and to be honest, it has made me very weak. As I am made to believe I am nothing without him, which I know is untrue, but it's hard to find yourself again when you are stuck in that situation.

I have mentioned to my work that I will be viewing a place close by. It will be a struggle with money but it will be my own.

I am honestly just very nervous about him finding out and kicking off.

I don't want to be controlled anymore. When we first got together the relationship was great, and I still see snippets of that person, but most of the time he is negative, moody and nasty.

OP posts:
TougheningUp · 02/01/2019 09:06

Do not tell his mother. She's bound to have some loyalty towards her son and will tell him. Keep quiet. Go and see the flat and find out how quickly you can move in; then spend a couple of days quietly moving your stuff out. Don't say anything until you have all your important things out of his house. And don't tell him your new address. He's angry and abusive and you would be wise to make a complete break from him.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 09:10

I have been in contact with the letting agent for a few weeks now, I emailed yesterday and asked to set up a time to view the property, so I've got the ball rolling.

I just feel some sort of guilt for not telling him, or his parents, when they have put me up for 3 weeks when I had nowhere else to go

OP posts:
LokisLover · 02/01/2019 09:19

You can still show his parents you are greatful for the time you’ve been at theirs. Write them a nice thank you card, buy some flowers or something, then get the he’ll out of there and don’t look back!

MitziK · 02/01/2019 09:19

Fuck guilt. It's 21 days, most of which has been punctuated by his threats. If it makes you feel any better, send his Mum some money once you've moved into your new place.

More to the point, fuck guilt - this is in all likelihood going to save you from being beaten to death during a cocaine fuelled rage. The only good thing is that it's only taken a couple of weeks, rather than a couple of decades for you to realise you NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT NOW BEFORE HE KILLS YOU.

curlykaren · 02/01/2019 09:19

DON'T TELL HIS MUM. Honestly, you have nothing to feel guilty for, you can feel greatful and express so AFTER you leave. Also don't give any of them your address. You are feeling weak in yourself at the moment, stay strong and make the right move for you x

LokisLover · 02/01/2019 09:19

*hell

OrdinarySnowflake · 02/01/2019 09:29

Please don't tell his mum. When you've moved out, you can send her a note thanking her for having you to stay. You don't need to give her your new address either.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 09:35

I have just had a look at the property again and it says 'available immediately' so hopefully I'll like it and be able to move in ASAP.

I just don't think I have the balls to do this without saying anything at all...

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 02/01/2019 09:54

Get all your valuables out and in a secure location before you breath a word.

His mother is not your friend. I am sure she has heard him treat you badly and has not stepped in to help. He is fine to treat you like that in front of his parents. She will not help you.

Don’t say anything for your own safety. Every time he says something, at least you will know in your heart you are almost free.

Karwomannghia · 02/01/2019 09:55

I understand you feel ungrateful and disrespectful to his mum by just going and it isn’t nice for her to be honest. She probably loves having you there because she knows her son has drink/ drug problems and you’re good for him. The reason she would probably tell him would be to tell him to buck up his ideas. You will disappoint her I’m afraid. You could tell her when you are just about to go and he’s not there, but I expect she’d try and make you stay.