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Original poster

Do I tell him I'm looking to move out?

123 replies

Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 08:21

NC'd for this.

I am currently living with 'D' P and his family as I was as kicked out of my family home. I'm 23 so still live with parents in the SE as house prices are so expensive.

I've been living with DP and his family for around 3 weeks. He can be lovely one day and the next day he can be a complete twat. He struggles with substance abuse and is generally not a nice person when he's been taking it, or the day after when he's hungover and feeling the effects.

He likes to have power over me, and me living at his is his way of having power. He says things like 'don't talk to me like that in my own house' if we have a disagreement, always makes it very clear its his house and just generally makes me feel uncomfortable.

Yesterday, he asked me a question and I answered honestly, he didn't like my answer so he started shouting and swearing at me and punched his chest of drawers...

All of the time I've been living at his I've been looking for a place of my own, I haven't mentioned this to him. He argued with me the other day and told me I should find somewhere else to go, so I told him I'd start looking.

I've found a place, 5 minutes away from my work, and somewhere I could afford on my own. The thing is, I'm scared to tell him. I've contacted the agent to ask if I can view the property, but I'm scared to tell 'D' P as I don't know how he will react. How would you approach this situation?

OP posts:
ChristmasFlary · 02/01/2019 13:06

So @Movingout1x what is the plan of action?

HollowTalk · 02/01/2019 13:10

Could one of your parents come to help you move out?

Is his mum at home in the hours that your boyfriend is out at work? When is the house completely empty? I would ask for time off work and do it then, if the house is empty.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 13:10

ChristmasFlary - Plan of action is, view the property, hope that I like it, make an offer as it's been on the market for around 6 weeks so I'm hoping I can lower the price slightly to help myself out...

Then take it from there... I'm not sure whether to drop a subtle hint to say I will be looking so it's not a complete shock.

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 13:12

HollowTalk - his dad works from home, so there is always someone in... but I could start moving stuff into my car, although I'm not sure how long it would be in there for so it may not be safe

OP posts:
iloveruby · 02/01/2019 13:13

Don't drop any hints. If the mum is as nice as you say she is then she will completely understand why you kept it to yourself.

gamerchick · 02/01/2019 13:13

Stop feeling guilty, does he feel guilty when he treats you like shit?

If you tell him he might kick you out straight away before you have anywhere to go to. In fact I can guarantee it going on what you've said.

Do NOT say anything until you have those keys. You'll regret it. His mother will understand honestly. Maybe get her a small token and flowers for putting you up.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 13:31

Yes, he would kick me out before I had anywhere to go, but then I feel like I'm using him and his house, which I don't want to do.

She will understand, and I'm very grateful for what she's done. I think this is why I feel nervous/guilty about going there and acting as if nothing is wrong

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/01/2019 13:47

Do you have a friend you could move in with temporarily?
If you were my friend I'd do all I could to get you out of that situation.
It will only be temporary so please consider this.
If there really is no-one then you are going to have to fake it 'til you make it.

OrdinarySnowflake · 02/01/2019 13:57

OP- if his parents are aware of his treating you badly, of his substance abuse and that you only ever moved in as you were in a pickle after having to leave your own home, then no, it won't come as a shock.

Have they offered you a tenancy contract? sat down and discussed rent, splitting chores, what they expect from you? If no, then they probably didn't think this was a forever move anyway.

Just get yourself sorted with the new place, pack up when your boyfriend is out, you can tell his Dad there and then if he's at home - then go.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 13:58

hellsbellsmelons - there isn't really anywhere I could go. My nan has said I am always welcome at her house, which is around 30 minutes away from my work. It would be sleeping on the sofa but would be better than nothing if he did decide to ask me to leave.

I'm not sure how long it would take for the property to go through if I did decide to go for it, which I think I will, it's the cheapest I've ever seen in the SE and looks quite nice in the pictures.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 02/01/2019 13:58

Don't feel like your using him, I very much doubt he's paying the mortgage and bills. If his mum is happy you're there then don't worry about it

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 13:59

OrdinarySnowflake - his parents are more than aware of his substance abuse and drinking, they came close to asking him to leave the other day.

His mum mentioned rent the other day, she said if you're both staying then we will need some money off of you monthly, but that's the only thing that has been said about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 14:11

He accused me of using him the other day when he came home drunk and started an argument, I said I was going to my mums (she is away on holiday and said I could stay there) - it was her boyfriend who kicked me out. He then said that I was using him for his house because I said I was going to leave for the evening.

OP posts:
OrdinarySnowflake · 02/01/2019 14:12

If the rental is currently empty, the landlord will be wanting to get you in and paying rent ASAP. Probably within a fortnight if it's empty.

In the meantime, I'd consider faking a sick Nan, say that she's not well and you are going to stay with her for a while to keep an eye on her. They don't need to know you aren't planning on coming back.

OrdinarySnowflake · 02/01/2019 14:16

Seeing your update, was that your old childhood home before your Mum's boyfriend moved in? Has she ended up in a controlling relationship? Why isn't she allowed to say "no, this is my Daughter's home and she's not leaving until she's sorted a suitable alternative place to live."?

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 14:17

Yes its currently empty. I'm just hoping it's still available! I don't see why it wouldn't be as they were shut over Christmas.

They open tomorrow so hopefully I will be able to view it tomorrow, then I will make a decision on how to move forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 14:18

OrdinarySnowflake - Unfortunately not, or she would have done just that.

It's a rented property and they've lived there for around 3 months.

OP posts:
cstaff · 02/01/2019 14:32

OP seriously you need to get out of there quickly. Go to your mum's or your nan's while you sort out the new flat but get out. Even his mum is saying the same as everyone on here.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 14:44

I know.

He's just text me now acting as if everything is ok and asked a question about what I want to do tonight.

How can I do this if he's fine with me one minute and then shitty the next?!

OP posts:
RedPanda2 · 02/01/2019 14:50

OP fuck guilt, fuck politeness. This man is a drug addict and definitely a future violent partner (when he punched the chest of drawers he was showing you what he's capable of). It's not normal. Honestly i cannot stress enough not to tell.anyone where you will be living, especially before you go

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 14:57

I know :(

This is so hard. When he's nice it makes everything seem okay... until he turns again.

I've tried to help him get off the shit he's on but nothing works, I know it's not going to work out long term because of the shit he's on and how he acts when he's taken it.

I won't tell anyone where I go, when I do go. Only close family, and then hopefully I can build my life back up again and focus on myself.

OP posts:
RedPanda2 · 02/01/2019 15:36

Definitely, Movingout1. You're doing the right thing and deserve so much better than this.

panoramallama · 02/01/2019 15:57

Two things that may help you:

Clear your browser history on your devices, so he can't snoop.

Under the guise of "I'm taking a few bits to the charity shop in my lunch hour" you could liberate some of your belongings, take them to work and store them there. I'm sure your boss wouldn't mind.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 18:00

Quick update.... he's looking at flats/houses on his own about half an hour away from where we are atm...

Maybe this will be easier than expected!!

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 02/01/2019 18:07

Keep it all to yourself right now. Don’t let on to his mum. Don’t tell him till you’re safely away.

Is it possible for you to store some stuff at your nan’s or at work? The pretext of going to stay with your nan to help her out is a good one too.

Once you’re out, be done with him and never look back.