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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell him I'm looking to move out?

123 replies

Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 08:21

NC'd for this.

I am currently living with 'D' P and his family as I was as kicked out of my family home. I'm 23 so still live with parents in the SE as house prices are so expensive.

I've been living with DP and his family for around 3 weeks. He can be lovely one day and the next day he can be a complete twat. He struggles with substance abuse and is generally not a nice person when he's been taking it, or the day after when he's hungover and feeling the effects.

He likes to have power over me, and me living at his is his way of having power. He says things like 'don't talk to me like that in my own house' if we have a disagreement, always makes it very clear its his house and just generally makes me feel uncomfortable.

Yesterday, he asked me a question and I answered honestly, he didn't like my answer so he started shouting and swearing at me and punched his chest of drawers...

All of the time I've been living at his I've been looking for a place of my own, I haven't mentioned this to him. He argued with me the other day and told me I should find somewhere else to go, so I told him I'd start looking.

I've found a place, 5 minutes away from my work, and somewhere I could afford on my own. The thing is, I'm scared to tell him. I've contacted the agent to ask if I can view the property, but I'm scared to tell 'D' P as I don't know how he will react. How would you approach this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 10:07

Karwomannghia Exactly. I feel like I owe it to her to at least give her a heads up.

She has told me to leave him before as he doesn't treat me right, which is why I am in two minds about telling her.

OP posts:
settmenu · 02/01/2019 10:07

No matter what he says, or what his parents say. Do not tell him or them where the new property is. Don't tell any mutual contacts.

Turn off all location devices on your phone, and have a word with work to give them an outline of the situation to ensure they don't pass on any details to him should he call work.

You can do this. He's escalated so quickly that he could do anything.

This isn't scaremongering. This is a lot of women and men who have been in similar situations or have helped pick up the pieces from similar situations.

You can do this OP.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/01/2019 10:10

Even his mum knows how abusive he is.
Again - DO NOT tell any of them.
Leave a nice note for him mum when you leave and some chocolates and a bottle of wine.
Just get away safely!!!!!

settmenu · 02/01/2019 10:11

You can tell her OP. after you've moved.

You know the address. The second you leave put a lovely card in the post, thank them for their hospitality and kindness and say unfortunately due to the relationship breakdown you've had to leave and sadly don't feel comfortable telling them or their son where to.

Wish them all the best. It's three weeks. Not a lifetime. In the circumstances I can't imagine his mother will be shocked.

Where has she been when her son has been screaming at you and making you scared?

Karwomannghia · 02/01/2019 10:16

If she has told you to leave before then she’ll understand, especially if you take the time to write her a note thanking her and wishing for her understanding after you took her advice.

Doobee · 02/01/2019 10:19

Why do you have tell everybody everything? Telling work you are looking for example. Why? You don’t have to do that. Telling his mum. Why? It’s none of her business. You seem to have a huge guilt complex which is making you vulnerable and easy to manipulate. You need a thicker skin and start looking out for yourself. This man is not nice and you need to get out. So go see the house, keep your mouth shut and start making adult decisions. When adults move or look they don’t tell everybody everything! Once you’ve seen this place, sign the documents and then move. Once you’re in, message the mum, not him, and say “I’ve decided to go stay somewhere else as he’s made me feel very uncomfortable. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it and I’d love to buy you a coffee one day to say thank you” that’s enough effort and thank you. If you’d been there a year it would be different.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 10:19

Yes, she knows exactly what he is like.

She's been out, if she is in she will come up and make sure everything is okay, but he will lie. She has heard him shouting at me, he will then punish me by not speaking to me and being overly happy with everyone else.

We do talk a lot by message, she knows what he is like. But at the end of the day she is his mum so her loyalty will lie with him.

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 02/01/2019 10:28

Don't tell her until the last minute, she'll be happy for you I'm sure.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 10:33

I'm just not a sneaky person, all of the sneaking around and moving stuff without anyone knowing is worrying me massively!

OP posts:
Bertiebitch32 · 02/01/2019 10:36

Op listen to us, keep quiet until you move for God sake unless you want to be trapped in this awful situation! Send his DM s letter explaining how grateful you are and explain your reasoning for keeping quiet she will understand.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 10:52

I will go with what everyone has said, view the property and go from there.

The thought of sneaking around is honestly making me feel sick with worry. I worry a lot about things and this is such a big decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 10:56

But I will get myself out of this situation, I know it's not healthy but I'd rather struggle with money every month than be controlled by someone and made to feel uncomfortable in the place I am living

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 02/01/2019 11:08

You are in a very controlling and abusive relationship, you need to leave. I was in the same position and I know that is a lot easier said than done. Really hope you have success with this new place, please do not tell him the address. End it.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 11:13

Yes I know. He blamed me for ruining his new year as I answered him honestly.

He's been saying for so long that he wants to come off the drugs and in the New Year he wouldn't touch them at all. Around 1:30 in the morning on NYD sure enough he went out and got them, this is what I told him I was annoyed about and then he went on to punch something and told me that I'd ruined his year last year and ruined his NYD, and if I was going to make the rest of the year like this then I may as well leave..

Took him around 6 hours to get out of the strop but he was them miserable for the rest of the evening, mostly because of the come down from the night before!

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 02/01/2019 11:22

He sounds awful, get yourself moved out ASAP. Then message his mum, I'm sure she'll understand

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 11:31

It's a very toxic relationship, and it's taken me a while to admit that.

Every time I see a glimpse of the person he used to be I get false hope that things will go back to how they were, but I think I've realised now they never will..

OP posts:
pallasathena · 02/01/2019 11:37

All this guilt OP!
Sign up to the Freedom Programme and start reading up on emotional abuse. You need to be very, very kind to yourself now and work on building up your self esteem and self confidence.
Men like your partner target vulnerable women deliberately to gain power and control. It feeds their shallow sense of self and their outrageous sense of male entitlement too.
Move out without any fuss or fanfare or forwarding address and when you're settled, send his mum a bouquet of flowers to say thank-you.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 11:48

I will have a look and definitely give his mum a present of some kind for taking me in.

I've just done some calculations, I would have around £450.00 after rent and bills if I did go for this property. Food, petrol and credit card repayments would have to come out of this, does it sound doable?

OP posts:
HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 02/01/2019 12:01

Yes it is doable, depending on what you pay on your credit card.

Food can be bought very cheaply if you are careful.

Flowers

Be brave! You can make a whole new start for yourself, away from this toxic situation.

Good luck on the viewing and don’t say anything about it to anyone until you have actually moved out.

Your first responsibility is to yourself. Then later you can thank the people who deserve it. For now you just need to get yourself out.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 02/01/2019 12:05

Don't feel guilty about being "sneaky". It's essential for your safety.
Do you think HE ever feels guilty about being an abusive arsehole? No.

You can do this quietly and yes sneakily, and thank his mum afterwards from a safe distance.

billybagpuss · 02/01/2019 12:08

Shop around, you may be able to get an interest free balance transfer on your credit card as well which will help.

You also said it's very close to work, would you be able to walk? your fuel bills will decrease massively too.

You can do this!

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 12:09

I will probably pay around £100 a month on the credit card, until it has cleared. Which shouldn't be too long if I'm careful with spending. I just wish I'd never got the credit card, all of the spending on it has been since I've been with him as he never has any money... surprise surprise!

The more I explain the more I'm questioning why I never did this before. I know I can't live my treading on egg shells around people, but the reality is very scary

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 12:09

billybagpuss - yes I'd be able to walk! It's only 10 minutes so wouldn't even need my car in the summer months (depending on weather!)

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 02/01/2019 12:27

Just wanted to add my voice to the others saying how brave and yes, adult you are being, to get yourself away from this abusive man and find yourself you own place.

Please do have a look at the freedom programme https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You are getting yourself out before the situation escalates, well done: its still good for you to be aware of the issues. Anyone who shouts, sulks, says you have ruined etc. etc. etc. has forfeited any right to be told your plans. Just get yourself out and then, by all means, write to his mother to thank her for her help when you needed it. No need to mention why you have moved on, just assume it was only ever temporary til you found your own place.

She does not need your new address and will understand when you do not mention it. All the best.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 13:05

It's been a long time coming if I'm honest.

I just feel so much guilt, going back there after work and acting like everything is okay. I know I shouldn't, but I do!

OP posts:
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