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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell him I'm looking to move out?

123 replies

Movingout1x · 02/01/2019 08:21

NC'd for this.

I am currently living with 'D' P and his family as I was as kicked out of my family home. I'm 23 so still live with parents in the SE as house prices are so expensive.

I've been living with DP and his family for around 3 weeks. He can be lovely one day and the next day he can be a complete twat. He struggles with substance abuse and is generally not a nice person when he's been taking it, or the day after when he's hungover and feeling the effects.

He likes to have power over me, and me living at his is his way of having power. He says things like 'don't talk to me like that in my own house' if we have a disagreement, always makes it very clear its his house and just generally makes me feel uncomfortable.

Yesterday, he asked me a question and I answered honestly, he didn't like my answer so he started shouting and swearing at me and punched his chest of drawers...

All of the time I've been living at his I've been looking for a place of my own, I haven't mentioned this to him. He argued with me the other day and told me I should find somewhere else to go, so I told him I'd start looking.

I've found a place, 5 minutes away from my work, and somewhere I could afford on my own. The thing is, I'm scared to tell him. I've contacted the agent to ask if I can view the property, but I'm scared to tell 'D' P as I don't know how he will react. How would you approach this situation?

OP posts:
ChristmasFlary · 02/01/2019 18:26

Have you managed to make an appointment to view the property yet?

Maybe take this time to find out what you need for the estate agent and get it together

Bertiebitch32 · 02/01/2019 19:30

Op do not allow him to move in with you it will only allow him to up his abuse with you in private, I can guarantee it will get worse

Original poster
Movingout1x · 03/01/2019 07:40

Bertiebitch32 - he will not be moving with me, that's for sure.

The estate agent opens again today after Christmas so they should have my email to ask to view the property. I'm hoping to be able to go today as it's only a 2 minute drive from my work.

I will ask what is needed from me, tenancy fee's etc and get everything together so hopefully this can be as smooth as it can be (if I like the property!)

OP posts:
Alwayscheerful · 03/01/2019 08:27

OP, lots of great advice here. If the property is still available, you may be in a position to negotiate a slightly better rental price. Ask what references they need and how long they will take. The letting agent will need proof of address, I assume your bank accounts and driving licence are still registered at your Mum's address? Please do not give your boyfriends address.

billybagpuss · 03/01/2019 08:32

Why is he looking for flats. Has he mentioned you moving in together or is he looking just for him?

Good luck today be on that phone when they open

Original poster
Movingout1x · 03/01/2019 08:32

Everything is registered at my mum's address, all of my pay slips, bank statements etc..

I have nothing registered to his address.

Hopefully I will be able to view the property today and maybe put an offer in. I don't want to be too cheeky with the offer as the property is already very low for the area, which is making me wonder, is there anything wrong with it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingout1x · 03/01/2019 08:33

billybagpuss - He's looking for him, he mentioned it the other day. He is looking in an area I wouldn't move to as it's too far for me to get to work, although I have said I would love to live in that area, so whether it's out of spite, I don't know

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2019 09:14

I hope you get to see the property today.
And really hope there are no 'issues' with it.
Keep going OP.
Keep strong.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 03/01/2019 09:20

hellsbellsmelons - Me too! I will keep everyone updated.

He's gone back to being 'lovely', after giving me the silent treatment last night but claiming 'nothing was wrong'! Ugh!

OP posts:
fireworksscarethedogs · 03/01/2019 09:46

I would leave and go stay with nana now. Don't tell anyone where you've gone. You've stayed there three weeks, not three years. You don't owe anyone anything. His mum will understand.
You're not being sneaky, you're keeping yourself safe. Go to your nana's, apply for the house, block his number.

jessstan2 · 03/01/2019 10:06

Movingout1, you know you must leave this man. He's a bully! Congratulations on finding a place, you'll have a new life once you're in there, it will be an exciting adventure. You're only young once girl, don't waste your young life, have fun.

Boyfriend sounds a real pain but he won't be your boyfriend much longer.

When you take possession of your flat, move things in a bit at a time over a week or so, then clear up the rest in one swoop and go. Don't tell him your new address.

Good luck, please keep us informed as to how things go.

Flowers Wine

Original poster
Movingout1x · 03/01/2019 10:06

Ah, now I can't get hold of the letting agents :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingout1x · 03/01/2019 10:11

I will keep everyone informed, I'm just hoping this property hasn't gone, as it does look perfect for me and in such a good location for my work!

Thank you everyone, for all of your advice and support! x

OP posts:
LEMtheoriginal · 03/01/2019 10:17

Why have your parents chucked you out? Is it because of this man?

ciderhouserules · 03/01/2019 10:21

Good luck OP - but please STOP with the 'guilt'!

You've stayed with EXbfs parents for 3 weeks - you don't owe them your first born! I've put up ds2s uni mates for longer, for nothing. You owe them nothing. Start thinking of protecting yourself, and moving on.

As for EXbf, he is a piece of shit. He reminds you that you 'owe' him, and you had nowhere else to go, as a way of controlling you and keeping you subservient to him - and it's works. Next it will be boundary pushing, and the abuse and violence will escalate. Y

You are doing so well, but FGS don't tell anyone what you are doing. You can tell work (HR) after you've moved, but no-one else needs to know. EXbfs mother can get a card in the post, or flowers.

Good luck.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 03/01/2019 10:22

LEMtheoriginal - It's because of my mum's partner. He's an alcoholic and is very possessive, he doesn't like my mum speaking to us more than she speaks to him etc.. Not a nice environment to be in.

He was drunk and started screaming at me telling me to get out, for no apparent reason. I haven't been back since.

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 03/01/2019 10:30

lemtheoriginal it's mum's boyfriend who threw her outSad

LEMtheoriginal · 03/01/2019 10:35

Oh thats horrible OP Flowers thinknit makes it all the more important that you make a stand against this abusive bully. You never know, your mum might take courage from you abd follow your example! Be strong- not long and youll be free xx

Original poster
Movingout1x · 03/01/2019 10:54

It wasn't the best end to 2018 for me! But I am determined to make 2019 better for myself and look after me for once.

I still haven't heard anything from the letting agents. I'll wait til 12 and try to call them again! x

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 03/01/2019 10:59

Yes, do call them again and if the 'perfect' place is no longer available, they will look for something similar for you. Explore every option.

I have great hopes for you for2019 Movingout1. This will be YOUR year.

Original poster
Movingout1x · 03/01/2019 11:07

I hope so! Once I have my own place I'm sure everything will fall into place!

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingout1x · 03/01/2019 17:09

I am viewing the property on the 7th January!

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 03/01/2019 17:47

That's great, do you know if you are the only viewing booked?

billybagpuss · 03/01/2019 18:16

Well done, really hope it is the right one for you Flowers

Original poster
Movingout1x · 03/01/2019 20:37

sparklepops123 - I've asked the question!

OP posts:
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