Anyone on here use the Reddit app?

[CoffeeAtCentralPerk]

Was unsure where to post this, but I've always seen lots of good advice via the relationships board so figured I'd start here - If the thread needs to be moved to a different board for better advice that's absolutely fine!

OH uses the Reddit app every day. Browses memes, jokes, current news etc.

We have no qualms about each other using each other's phones - neither of us have anything to hide, we know each other's passwords etc.. so tonight I used his phone whilst mine had low battery.
I unlocked it and it opened straight to the Reddit app.
Figured I'd do a search for funny shit after having a slightly miserable day, and to my surprise (and disappointment) the first search in OH's search bar was a subreddit called RealGirls.

Intrigued, obviously, I clicked on it. And let's just say, the thread was bloody gross. Fannies all over the shop. Women bending over whilst wearing nothing. None of it was tasteful. Just normal women taking nudes in their bedrooms.

OH and I had had a discussion about the likes of porn and 'dirty images' almost four years ago and I said I wasn't completely happy about it - I know some women are chill about it and thats fine! But I'm not - OH said he rarely, if ever, looked at that kind of stuff, but upon knowing I wasn't totally okay with it, would stop it completely.

I asked him tonight why this search was showing in his app and he was bewildered. He seemed genuinely shocked but I told him if he'd searched for it, to just tell me. I'd rather know and just deal with it and get on with it rather be than be lied to. Honesty goes along way with me. But he spent almost half an hour on the app (in front of me) trying to figure out why or how this search came up.

So, does anyone on here use Reddit and has experienced random searches in their search bar which they haven't searched for?
My logical brain tells me that a search bar is exactly that - a search bar - things you've actively searched for will be displayed. But there's a small part of me that believes he didn't.

Anyone more clued up on Reddit than I am and can shed some light?

Daisy - I actually think it’s great that you posted. And you are absolutely right - women blaming women is classic....

OP - I don’t know if you achieved the desired effect. Maybe you did.
I suspect this specific ‘issue’ wasn’t the only one in your relationship. And that’s why you seem to be so nonchalant about the way it went on. Otherwise - it’d be a strange issue to break up a family over.

If it was a last straw and you are happy you finally pulled the trigger - good for you.

To everyone else - who say that men looking at women younger than their wives, etc.... Its silly to assume that those same men don’t see younger women otherwise. And yet - they don’t all run off, even if opportunity arises. And women oggle men just as well - younger, fitter than their Hs...
How many of you saw that Santa clip - with a six-pack, dressing up... I received it from a handful of friends, and instagram posts....He was hot...I looked.
Does that mean that I now have committed a divorceable offence?
Or that I am some terrible person?
Seriously.

@MMmomDD yeah sure I see hot guys everywhere, everyday, and appreciate how they look, of course I do. Do I spend hours of my day scrolling through naked men posting pictures of their cocks in their bedrooms? No I do not. There's the difference and it's significant.

@Orillia93

People find different type of pictures stimulating. Women tend to not want to see the totally naked pictures of men to get aroused.
Men are simpler and more straight forward.
We don’t know that he was scrolling for hours, do we?

But this isn’t the point. OP herself said - she was Ok if he looked while she was away....
But she made it a matter of principle. That particular argument became a mountain (vs molehill)... And she kept at it over and over.
She even opened a Reddit account.

All I am sayjng - it’s a disproportionate reaction to something relatively minor that she said she didn’t mind. Yes - he wasn’t forthcoming - but we all know why. He didn’t want to argue. It’s not the greatest excuse - but we all do that. Tell small lies.
And in the big scheme of things - especially considering that they have kids - it’s a small thing.

OP knew that. But she kept pushing. Maybe there was another reason why.

@MMmomDD I'm referring to my own dp when I say scrolling for hours. But yes, being a member of various relationships subreddits myself, there's a great deal of men that do indeed scroll for hours. I accept women use porn but not even near the extent of what men do, and I'd imagine the majority of married mothers do not spend valuable family time browsing through naked cock pics and I'm sure if they did their husbands would not happy about it and would not accept it either.

Happy birthday to your child.
I hope he calms down and comes home with his tail between his legs

DaisyBaby92 take no notice of anyone trying to police who can or can’t contribute to a thread. You handled that with class.

OP, you said you didn’t know if you could move past the lies, so there was obviously a big part of you that really doubted if you’d be able to move on from this anyway. It sounds like although it’s been a shock it might be for the best to separate for now at least. He lies, something you really disagree with. You have incompatible beliefs around aspects of your sexuality, I know you said you only get mad at the lying and wouldn’t at the porn but he clearly knows from past experience you’d respond badly if you discovered he was using porn and felt the need to lie. That’s on him, he should have been adult enough to be straight with you and own his actions. But he didn’t, and the lying has hurt you deeply. And now it seems there were doubts in his mind all along or he wouldn’t have walked away like this. It all jut sounds so difficult.

he ended up grumbling an 'I'm sorry for lying' after I tried dragging one out of him, and that was literally it. As a result, I got annoyed by the sheer lack of sincere apology and no evidence of actual remorse

You can’t make someone feel remorse. It was a mistake to keep pushing to try drag an apology out of him and then get mad it wasn’t sincere. You can’t have it both ways! You can either accept his sincere feelings, which was that he didn’t feel sorry, or demand an apology knowing it’s only for your benefit and it’s hollow. There was no remorse cos he wasn’t remorseful cos he doesn’t feel he’s done anything wrong.

I'd like to add I've never said to him that I'm completely ok with porn use. He knows that I'm not. Upon discovering the Reddit searches, out of the two, i said if he really had to look at that kind of shit, I'd rather it be a short porn clip than nudes on a forum that he can browse and scroll through at his leisure or whenever takes his fancy. He could even be viewing that kind of stuff when he's sat on the opposite sofa and I'd literally be none the wiser. It's gross.

Also, he was the one who blurted he was packing a bag and leaving, I just didn't try to stop him and after seeing how unnecessarily angry he got, I told him to leave his key if upping and leaving was easier than seeing things from my point of view and trying to understand how hurt I was.

He was fully aware of two things before this situation escalated 1) him looking at that kind of stuff would hurt me. 2) lying would hurt me even more than the act itself.

I've stressed countless times how highly I value honesty, yet he even went as far to say that someone might have 'hacked his account and entered the search' so he came up with an abundance of elaborate lies in a desperate attempt to pull the wool over my eyes, rather than just being like 'fuck yeah, I'm sorry, I did have a quick look'. The issue is now less the Reddit shit, and more the lying, although I'm still obviously not thrilled about the photo viewing and how young some of the girls look.

Anyway. He did come home yesterday evening to see the DC's. About 2 hours before he turned up, he sent me some long apology message. Apologising for storming out for not contacting me sooner, for not handling things correctly, for being disrespectful, for making me feel like I wasn't worth fighting for, for lying - there was a 'sorry' for just about everything really.
He said he knew he should've just been upfront with me in the first place, but thought that admitting to it would have had a worse impact than telling a lie.. I've since told him that lying will never be better than the truth and it's frustrating to have to point that out to someone.

I asked him what he plans to do about all of this stuff going forward, because it can't remain the elephant in the room. It boiled down to two options, I either pretend like I'm the cool partner who doesn't care about porn or he truly stops viewing it and respects the fact it hurts me. He told me he doesn't want me to pretend to be somebody that I'm not and while he knows the Reddit search and the lie has broken my trust and angered me, it wasn't his conscious intention to spite me. He's said he'll stop viewing it and has apparently only been on that page a handful of times (neither of which i believe), so we'll see.

He'll either be smart enough to keep viewing it but hide all traces, or decent and caring enough to stop viewing it out of respect for me, or he'll be stupid enough to keep on doing it and not delete searches.

Also to add -

I know a lot of women (and pretty much every man) view porn use and naked photos for stimulation purposes (or in my OH's case, he said it was boredom ) as 'just something blokes do and the woman should just accept that' but when I said to OH that maybe I should find a forum somewhere where men post those kind of things, sit and scroll through them, getting aroused, enjoying myself etc. It was blatant by the look on his face that he would in no way be comfortable with me doing it to him.

Looking at that kind of stuff isn't essential for survival. It's not oxygen, it's not food, it's not water. So given it's not something that's critical to our livelihood, why should a woman have to put up with it if it upsets her. Why should a man be free to keep doing something even though he knows his partner is obviously not okay with it? Why should women accept that it's 'just something men do' ? I don't understand why men should get a free pass when they're actively choosing to do things that they know will hurt their partners rather than having an ounce of respect for the person they apparently love.

I don't feel as though I'm in the wrong for wanting my feelings to be respected, and I don't think I'm in the wrong for wanting a sincere apology for being hurt either.

To those that are blissfully fine with their husbands viewing these kinds of things, I'm genuinely happy for you, because it's so shit for me. It is crippling and it does crush my self esteem - my body is destroyed after two back to back pregnancies so seeing photos of perfectly beautiful bodies only enhances how awful I feel about myself. So truly, to those who aren't effected by this kind of stuff, I envy you.

I agree with the previous poster Vietnamesecrispyfish. I think his first mistake relates to his use of porn / gonewild - you made it clear you don’t like it but in his position I would have been “ yeah and?” when challenged about it in the first place. Because quite frankly I wouldn’t want to be policed about something that I felt was acceptable / desirable. You don’t need to stay of course if you disagree with it. All that happened was he stopped but was lured back or carried on but had to do it secretly because he knew you disapproved. Lying about it was ridiculous but I imagine the disapproval was radiating off you in waves.... it’s a bit hard to stand there and admit to enjoying something if your partner is so clearly against it or doesn’t “ get it”.

Overall I think a lot of posters on MN are so clearly unversed in the range and extent of sexual desire. They make proud proclamations about behaviours that they think women do or do not do, when in actual fact it’s about what they would or wouldn’t do. I particularly thought that about the PP who stated that you don’t find married women scrolling for hours looking at men ( I think she may have said cocks actually). I beg to differ. You only need to spend an hour on a sex forum and read the confessions and fantasies of ordinary people to see how extensive and diverse people are. Well done to the PP who came on to explain what’s happening from the girls perspective on Reddit. Why would you not be interested in her perspective? She’s not alone in enjoying posting her photos and I thought her comments were pretty helpful if you didn’t know anything about these threads and how they work. Of course what she got was a load of criticism about her choices and disparaging comments about her youth and unblemished body. Way to go ladies!!!! There are plenty of older women who are mothers and grandmothers who enjoy engaging in these types of activities - I’m willing to bet there’s an older women’s thread somewhere on Reddit. I’m not one of them by the way but never say never.

I’m sorry the OP finds herself in this position - it’s escalated in a pretty shocking way. Perhaps under the circumstances it’s better they remain parted since they are so clearly on different pages when it comes to some issues

Why should women accept that it's 'just something men do' ?

I don’t really think this is a men/women thing tbh. Most women I know watch porn, just like most men. Admittedly it seems to be a problem for more women than men.

You clearly really don’t want him watching porn, but you know he can lie to you, so what outcome would you like here? Are you happy for him to watch as long as you don’t know about it (don’t ask don’t tell)? Are you adamant he cannot watch it and if you ever discover he is, it’s over? Are you happy to tell him you recognise he can watch what he likes in private but don’t wanna hear about it?

I know you say your self esteem is crushed, and that’s partly why it bothers you so much he watches porn. Have you ever done anything to try and improve your self esteem? Therapy? Self help? I doubt he’s going to stop watching porn as it’s something he enjoys, he’s done it already despite knowing you don’t like it and kept it away from you. But whether he watches it or not you’re still gonna be left with the problem of having such low self esteem and that will continue to manifest itself in other ways too. The porn thing aside, do you think it’s worth investing in yourself and your self esteem?

I imagine your DH feels a bit like it’s mixed messages atm, is it lying that you will be furious about or the porn? Can he watch porn without you kicking off, so that if you catch him he can tell you the truth? Is there certain porn you don’t mind as much? Cos atm from his perspective he probably thinks he can’t watch it and tell you as you’d go nuts and he can’t watch it and lie cos you rightly would be furious at the lies, so that leaves him not watching at all. And I very much doubt that’s sustainable if it’s something he enjoys and has done for a long time.

“He'll either be smart enough to keep viewing it but hide all traces, or”....

All you’ve done is reinstated the status quo where you have an illusion of control.
Your ‘approval’ of certain types of images (short porn clips) and disapproval of other (real women) - is exactly that. Control.

You know it’s an illusion because you can’t really know what he is looking at. And he knows that too.

Yet - you seem to be ok with that.
Is that what you wanted? And this game of pretence - with you needling him to pretend to apologise for something he doesn’t think is wrong - is that power game worth the anguish it created?

All these discussions about porn, etc - are really driven by insecurity.
And it’s not his issue - it’s yours to deal with.
We all age. Our bodies change. (Theirs too, btw)
He will see younger women. Work with them. Talk with them. Possibly daily. And still come home to you and want to be there with you.
It’s how life works when people partner up.

This isn’t about being ‘cool’. Just about being a grown up and not wanting to delude oneself.

so seeing photos of perfectly beautiful bodies only enhances how awful I feel about myself

Sorry you feel that bad but I just don't see how this is the core of the issue. There are beautiful bodies all over TV, the media, Vogue magazine.. all of which your husband can look at and go "phwoar, nice". It doesn't suddenly change because they take all their clothes off.

Op I would feel exactly like you. I don't think you did anything wrong at all. You made your feelings clear from the start.

I had the same chat with my oh at the start. He agreed to not view it as it wasn't big deal and out of respect for me. I mean he could just be great at hiding it.

I am glad he has apologised but I don't think it's trivial. To me it's important. So you are not the only one.

Bottom line, I'd of course rather he didn't look at it at all. If there was something in our relationship or family life which upset him, I'd like to think my respect and love for him would be strong enough to stop doing whatever it was I was doing. I wouldn't put porn before his feelings, looking at other naked blokes just wouldn't be worth it for me. But I guess that's just the way my mind and morals work.

Yes the self esteem issue is something I can personally work on, but if he can help me not to feel so shit in the process, it'd be great if he could do that.

It's one thing to view porn and images totally in secret, it's another to do it and leave traces which he knows full well that I'll find because we use each other's phones. Leaving the evidence just feels like another 'fuck you' - like, 'I know you don't like it, but I'm gonna leave this evidence here and not spend 0.2 seconds deleting it so you don't see it and get hurt. Instead, when you obviously will end up finding it, I'll just plead ignorance and piss you off even further by lying and coming up with bonkers ways as to how it's worked it's way on to my phone'.

Yes, there are beautiful women everywhere, but seeing a gorgeous woman on a tv advert and thinking to himself 'oooh she's hot', is worlds apart from sneaking on to subreddits and looking at naked women when it knows that behaviour upsets me. Those two situations aren't comparable.

If his desire to look at those kind of things outweighs his desire to be respectful of me and my feelings, then the least he can do is be honest about the fact he's going to continue looking, rather than push me to limit and then state he's 'only been looking at it a handful of times out of nothing other than boredom and as such, will stop now'.

why should a woman have to put up with it if it upsets her. Why should a man be free to keep doing something even though he knows his partner is obviously not okay with it? Why should women accept that it's 'just something men do’.

Then leave?!

I understand your questions but look at it from another point of view - why should he have to stop doing something just because you don’t like it? What gives you the right to demand what he can/can’t look at on his own phone just because you don’t like it? He’s free to do as he pleases and he’s free to look at whatever he wants - just like you’re free to leave him if you aren’t happy with that. You don’t have to accept anything?! nobody is forcing you to accept a single thing. You’re choosing to stay with him expecting him to stop looking at porn and nude pictures so no, nobody is forcing you to put up with anything - you’re choosing to

Porn is available 24/7. I very much doubt he is going to stop looking, and to be honest, nor should I. And let’s be honest in this day and age when most people have smart phones, you had no real reason to use his phone, did you? So be truthful and admit you were feeling nosy/wanted a snoop otherwise you would’ve just used your own phone. My DP couldn’t care less if I were to use his phone however I don’t. My phone is usually on me anyway but if it isn’t and I need it for whatever reason, I’ll use my legs and go and find it even if DP’s mobile is right next to me.

You’re choice is to either accept he’s probably gunna continue looking at porn/pictures and work on your own self esteem and not let it bother you (unless he’s choosing that over you). Or you end the relationship entirely. But don’t pretend you’re being forced into accepting things you don’t like because you aren’t. If you don’t want to accept certain behaviour - leave. It really is that simple.

Op please ignore all the porn activists on here today, clearly none of them have actual experience of real long term relationships where trust and honesty is key and standards of respect are set to a decent level. These are either avid porn users or people that clearly have low self esteem themselves to be fine with husbands that sneak about tossing off to naked girls and lie about it.
You are totally right, internet porn is not a necessity, no one needs it, 20 years ago there was no such thing, apart from a couple of repetitive vhs and a dirty magazine, what did poor men do?

Your dh is at a cross roads here, he can decide to prioritize porn over his wife and loose everything or he can be smart and put you first. It's as simple as that. You'll know him well enough now to know if he's genuine.

Im genuinely baffled as to how a pp can't see the difference between seeing attractive people day to day and wanking off to pictures of nude girls taken in their bedrooms? But I suppose this is the level we are dealing with here.

@Kennycalmit
why should a woman have to put up with it if it upsets her. Why should a man be free to keep doing something even though he knows his partner is obviously not okay with it? Why should women accept that it's 'just something men do’.

Then leave?!

Nope.. he should leave, only he won't because he's not stupid, having a wife and family is far more important then porn to most men. Ops husband was having his cake and eating it, and from what op has said now realizes it's not acceptable and has chosen his marriage, like any sensible man would.

@Kennycalmit we use each other's phones.. we have no issue with either one of us doing that. I wasn't snooping, I'd admit it if I was but you can choose to believe whatever you like. My phone had minimal battery, I couldn't be arsed to charge it, I used his. It's what we do.

My OH wouldn't be okay with me doing to him what he has done to me, and that's another reason why this is an issue. If neither one of us are comfortable with the other looking at naked images, doesn't it seem unfair that he gets to do it and lie about it, while I respect his feelings by not doing it myself?!

And I don't think it should be a case of people are free to do what the fuck they want and disregard what the other person wants when you're in a long term relationship. He shouldn't want to hurt me. He shouldn't be doing things that he knows hurts me because that's not how you behave in relationships. Pure and simple.

@Orillia93 I'm glad you can truly see where I'm coming from with all of this! I start to feel as though i'm going insane when I use this site.
The comparison between seeing beautiful women out and about and sneaking off to wank over the women on Reddit was nuts. OH and I will regularly point out - to each other - when we see hot people in films or tv shows. We both think Holly Willoughby is attractive, but it doesn't mean I'm going to slip off to the bedroom and fiddle with myself over This Morning 😂

I'd like to think I'm more important to him than other women's nudes. Spending time looking at those things shouldn't rank higher than our relationship and family.

*arent comfortable!

If his desire to look at those kind of things outweighs his desire to be respectful of me and my feelings, then the least he can do is be honest about the fact he's going to continue looking

So, have you made this clear to him? That although you’d prefer he doesn’t watch it, if he does and you ask or come across evidence you would much prefer honestly to lies?

If he genuinely wouldn’t want you to watch porn yourself then yes, he’s being a hypocrite. I’m really surprised if that’s the case. Do you think he was just saying he wouldn’t like it to avoid an argument? I really don’t know anyone who watches porn who’d mind their partner doing it too. Quite the opposite in some respects, chances are if you find porn hot you’re not gonna be turned off by the person you fancy getting off on it too. Look how many couples watch it together!

Ultimately, you’re with a man who likes porn. He may or may not stop watching it. The chances of him never clapping eyes on it again are zero. He’ll peobably try respect your wishes for a while and then give in, or he’ll just carry on and hide the evidence better. It’s up to you whether you want to be with him, this man you have who enjoys porn as well as the other qualities you love about him, or whether you walk away and find a guy who equally doesn’t watch it for his own reasons.

I’m a bit confused though: on one hand you want him not to lie to you about it, but on the other you want him to delete evidence so it isn’t in your face. Which is it?

OP - comparison of seeing dressed attractive women is only as nuts as assuming that you’ll lose your partner to a random stranger flashing boobs/other bits on the web.

Thing is - you might not slip to the bedroom to wank to Holly W...
But he may be imaging her naked when he does. And it’s totally harmless. He isn’t going to run after her in real life. And the image will be in his head for all of .... min.

It’s the same as he can fantasise about undressing a hot blond who served him coffee.
Same as a flick through any website with women.
Same in a way that it’s a visual aid. It isn’t real life and he knows it.

And - it’s his wanking time, that is personal. And not about you at all.
No one only ever fantasises about their partner while playing with themselves. And if that is what you imagine and hope for - sorry.

But you seem to want to live in a world where you are OK with imaginary control over his fantasies.

why should a woman have to put up with it if it upsets her. Why should a man be free to keep doing something even though he knows his partner is obviously not okay with it? Why should women accept that it's 'just something men do’. Then leave?! Nope.. he should leave, only he won't because he's not stupid, having a wife and family is far more important then porn to most men. Ops husband was having his cake and eating it, and from what op has said now realizes it's not acceptable and has chosen his marriage, like any sensible man would

Christ. Did you not read my post??

I’m not saying she should put up with anything. But if he’s behaving in a way that the OP doesn’t like then leave. Let’s not make it all about women - because women aren’t forced into accepting a man who watches porn. They have the choice to leave.

Ops husband was having his cake and eating it, and from what op has said now realizes it's not acceptable and has chosen his marriage, like any sensible man would

Ha hardly! He’s barely even apologised. He’s said what the OP wanted to hear rather than actually mean it. He will most likely continue watching porn and looking at photos only from now on he will be more wise and at least delete the history if not use the private browsing history.

The OP has admitted she dislikes the idea of him watching porn or looking at nudes because of her own insecurities. That’s her problem not his. Why should he change his behaviour simply because she isn’t confident with her body?? Where will it end?! He will see beautiful women almost every day, he will see them at work, in the pub, in magazines, on the tv. Will she stop him watching movies which contains a naked actress?!

He has said sorry because he’s had to. Because he knows that’s the word he has to say. Only he doesn’t mean it. He now knows to hide all proof. So their relationship will be built on false pretences. Him pretending to be sorry for watching porn and pretending he will stop, and the OP pretending to herself that he’s sorry and he no longer watches it. Instead she could either 1) work on her self esteem and accept he’s probably gunna watch porn or look at photos every now and then without it meaning he loves her any less, or 2) accepts he’s probably gunna continue watching it and so she leaves him because she isn’t okay with it

She isn’t being forced into accepting anything off any man! She is choosing to stay with him knowing full well he looks at it, but expects him to stop. There is no sense in that. Either accept it or leave - because I doubt he will stop looking.

Agree kenny. Great post. The poster saying everyone with a dissenting opinion to her is a porn activist kinda showed her true colours with that pathetic overdramatic comment. You have more patience than me in bothering to take her seriously 😂

Must get back to picketing for porn 🖐🏻

These are either avid porn users or people that clearly have low self esteem themselves to be fine with husbands that sneak about tossing off to naked girls and lie about it

No I happen to disagree with you - my self esteem is fine ( unlike the OP sadly). I am also not an avid user of porn myself but as a grown up reserve the right to view it if I choose. (Although I don’t actually consider pictures of naked women “ porn” as such ). Lying about it is a problem in the same way lying about anything is a problem

You are totally right, internet porn is not a necessity, no one needs it

There are lots of things that are not a necessity that we like that we consider enhance our lives. Libido is a pretty strong motivator for some people

20 years ago there was no such thing, apart from a couple of repetitive vhs and a dirty magazine, what did poor men do?

It’s only the internet that’s been around for 20 years, erotica and “naked pictures”have always existed in one form or another, probably since the beginning of time. You only have to look at the Karma Sutra which has been enjoyed no doubt by men and women over the generations. I don’t really know what your particular issue is that makes you so dismissive of other people’s opinions? This is a public forum on which the OP has posted - people are going to express a range of views. There are no porn activists on this thread as far as I can see... or perhaps there are but certainly I’m not one. My point is this is not about sleazy men and their porn habits and poor put upon women.