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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Haven’t heard from my boyfriend since Saturday

470 replies

ihavetogoshoppingnow · 01/01/2019 12:36

We’ve been dating for 6 months we’re not the type that text each other all day long but we always message each other good morning and usually have some kind of text conversation in a day.

I left his house Saturday lunchtime and he was getting ready to meet his friends in town for food then they were going out out later on we talked a little but while he was out then around 9pm I text him saying have a good night and let me know when your home he said he would and text me saying good night. Woke up Sunday morning and he hadn’t text so I text him the usual good morning and asked about his night I didn’t hear anything all day but assumed he was just sleeping/hungover I text him again Sunday night asking if he was alright and the message didn’t deliver I tried to ring him and it went straight to voicemail and has done ever since. I assumed at first he’d just lost his phone in his flat and let it die (this happens a lot he’s not the type who’s always got his phone in his hand) but he was supposed to be going out again last night for New Years and the phone is still dead so I’m starting to get really worried because he wouldn’t have gone out without it.

Not really sure why I’m posting or what help people could be but I just needed to talk to someone, maybe have some reassurance?

OP posts:
HannahnotAgnes · 01/01/2019 17:00

I agree with @SummerGems Op - I think you've been ghosted.

Missingstreetlife · 01/01/2019 17:02

Presume he has family or close friend as next of kin who would know if he was missing, ill, arrested etc? If so leave it. If not then I would feel need to check up.
An ex of mine went missing and was in hospital with no id

MovingNextYearHopefully · 01/01/2019 17:05

I agree with PP that say he's met someone else while out & you've been ghosted unfortunately. It certainly seems that way. Flowers

JinglingHellsBells · 01/01/2019 17:08

In all honesty, your set up is not really right for dating.

As PP said, and I've thought it all along, living with your ex while the money side is being sorted, having children , and not being able to have an equal input into any new relationship yet, is just too difficult all round.

Your DH should move out and rent. Then you can both get on with your lives.

But as you are still living as a couple, even if you are not having sex, it's far far too soon for dating anyone. IMO.

Original poster
ihavetogoshoppingnow · 01/01/2019 17:08

SummerGems I understand completely what you are saying but he knew about my circumstances long before we got together we started out as a couple of hook ups it was him that wanted to persue a relationship despite my situation, he knows full well nothing is going on with my ex and that I hate him he was abusive and our relationship has been dead for years before we actually split. BF has been incredibly supportive about it even when I’ve voiced my concerns he’s said it is fine and that no situation in life is perfect and that it would all work out eventually. I’ve had to cancel and rearrange plans with him due to ex not having DC when he was supposed to and he’s always been great about it. DC know we are separated, as I said upthread he was meant to move out a few months ago but the solicitors fucked up and caused massive delays to the remortgage, he should hopefully be moving out next week

OP posts:
PattiStanger · 01/01/2019 17:13

2019rubberband - are you in England? I don't think court details are online here are they?

The way you've described it OP imo it's going to be something like a broken or lost phone but if it is I can see it maybe taking a while to get back in touch if he doesn't have your number written down anywhere.

I'd say lots of people would be in a similar position if they didn't have their mobile. Not being on SM wouldn't be a red flag for me, not everyone has a Facebook account.

Ungratefulchocreceiver · 01/01/2019 17:14

Hope you hear soon

JinglingHellsBells · 01/01/2019 17:14

I don't want to shatter your illusions OP but you sound naive.
If this guy is getting a weekly shag with no commitments (and you can't due to your circs) then he's perhaps been happy with that.

I am sure you are lovely and genuine BUT maybe, just maybe, it all seems too complicated for him now, especially after a taste of freedom with his mates.

I mean be honest with yourself.

You have young children. This man is living in a flat or whatever, he sounds very casual in his approach to life, he doesn't appear to have a solid work record, and he doesn't even know where you live.

Be honest. It's not going to go anywhere.He's not remotely ready for the responsibility of a newly separated woman with kids.

If he has ghosted you, it will be awful for a few days , but it may be better to have this happen now than another 6 months down the line.

Colabottle10 · 01/01/2019 17:15

Not RTFT but got as far as you explaining that you know a lot about him. You actually don't. You only know what he's told you.

2019rubberband · 01/01/2019 17:19

2019rubberband - are you in England? I don't think court details are online here are they?

Sorry my mistake. I'm in Scotland. Didn't realise.

loveyoutothemoon · 01/01/2019 17:20

Have you had the exclusive chat?
Could there be a chance that he's led you to believe he's OK with the situation/cancelling on him, but he's not? Any arguments?

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 01/01/2019 17:22

I'd be raging if someone made me worry like this.

Hope you're OK.

Original poster
ihavetogoshoppingnow · 01/01/2019 17:23

JinglingHellsBells I understand your point when we split up I had zero intentions of dating anyone for a long time but sometimes things happen in ways your not expecting. EX originally said he would move in with his mum or rent while we sorted things out but he only said that while he thought there was a chance of winning me back over once he knew he couldn’t he refused to move out until the remortgage went through or move on he has been hell bent on making my life a living hell since we split so I know it’s not the best set up for dating but we were both aware of the situation, we work around my ex and see each other when we can we both put the effort in and want it to work so it works

OP posts:
shpoot · 01/01/2019 17:26

His phone is off/dead. He went on a new year bender and he's not that used to going out. His phone is probably long gone and he's sitting eating stodgy food and watching tv. He'll just think it's ok to explain tomorrow, he has no choice as he actually has no way at all to contact you.

And for those saying it won't work between you - you are being sensible protecting your kids at the moment. There is no rush to introduce him, and their dad is still at home. Also don't leave them in the car while you run into a block of flats! Ridiculous

He will email you in the morning with a so sorry I got wasted and lost my phone message!

Bunnyfuller · 01/01/2019 17:29

You can get Magistrate court results online. Just google town and magistrates court results. Sometimes local police website has them too. If he was nicked for gbh (or other serious offences) then he would most likely be bailed/released. If his visa is dodgy he’d be detained for deportation. He would also possibly be remanded if the police felt he was a big flight risk (and CPS were in a good mood).

The fact that you need to post here, you know bugger all about him, his friends, you’re literally in a little secret pocket, as is he to you (why doesn’t he know where you live after 6 months?) at the very least you know it’s time for you both to shit or get off the pot. Also if DH was abusive for goodnesssake why is he still in the house with you and kids?

Terribly messy, OP.

MiaMoo007 · 01/01/2019 17:31

All seems a little odd. I'm sure he has either lost his phone or sadly ghosting you...not sure there is any other explanatation...either way, I hope you find out soon

PerverseConverse · 01/01/2019 17:35

I didn't realise you were still living with your ex. An abusive ex at that. Why have t you kicked him out and changed the locks? What makes you think he'll leave next week if he's been there months?
New guy sounds like a waster to me. You know nothing about him really and he knows very little about you. It's all very casual and messy. Even if he's ok do you want to be with someone who does this kind of thing? Whatever that thing may be. I'd never forgive someone for causing worry like this. He could access his phone bill online and get your number from there and contact you from a friends phone.
He's not arsed is he. Bottom line, unless he's in prison or a coma, he's ghosted you. Although I suspect he might feed you a line of an excuse.
Please do the freedom programme Thanks

Coyoacan · 01/01/2019 17:41

I hope you get some news soon, OP. I live in Mexico and we have a centralised system that you can phone if someone is missing and to find out if they are in hospital or have been taken into custody. It's about bloody time the uk had something similar.

2019rubberband · 01/01/2019 17:45

live in Mexico and we have a centralised system that you can phone if someone is missing and to find out if they are in hospital or have been taken into custody.

Anyone? No thanks. Family? Yes.

It's about bloody time the uk had something similar.

Absolutely not. Well not in the case where anyone can phone and find out this information.

Alaria44 · 01/01/2019 17:47

Hope you get an answer tomorrow OP. X

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 01/01/2019 17:53

I Can imagine how awful it is waiting like this with no idea. The same thing happened to a friend of mine a while back, the guy disappeared after they had been dating a few months. She couldn't get in touch with him and was worried sick he was injured or dead.
He got in touch with her 6 weeks later and said sorry for what I did to you, I was seeing another woman the same time as you and she's now pregnant so we're making a go of things.
He was too much of a coward to tell her the truth and put her out of her misery. It's a horrible thing to do to someone. Hopefully he has just lost his phone and you'll get answers soon.

Beelzebop · 01/01/2019 17:54

I'd bet my last button he has a girlfriend or somesuch. Why would he tell you so little information?

youaremyrain · 01/01/2019 17:55

I take it he knows your car and would recognise it? Surely he could find your house that way and leave a note or something? Maybe his phone is broken but if so, he doesn't seem to be overly invested in contacting you, I'm sure he could find a way using a bit of initiative. It's very odd to not make contact over NYE

whatsthepointthen · 01/01/2019 18:05

I agree that it sounds more
like a FWB situation, 6 months and doesnt even know where you live? all very strange either way. Glad your not going to turn up with your kids that would look unhinged!

Mum2boys1girl · 01/01/2019 18:10

He's probably lost his phone you ever thought of ringing the police to do a welfare check on him to make sure he's OK. Or have you got a friend who could go and check on him or go with you so they watch your dc while you go to his flat

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