Who is my "D" P

[ericaswift]

Been with my partner 18 months. We live together and have spent a lot of time together since we first got together. Naturally I've always felt I knew him very, very well. We've recently found out we're expecting, both very happy.

I've always trusted him, never heard or seen anything that has made me doubt his loyalty nor who I know him to be, therefore never checked his phone.

Until now.

He's asleep and a message from a woman on Facebook came up "where have you been?".

I, very wrongly, opened the chat. The last conversation was two days after we got together (I remember the date coz I'm a bit of a sop), and consisted of him asking her to (sorry this is gross) "suck me off" and a picture of his penis. I continued to scroll up and before we'd met he'd been constantly asking her for pics of her "arse and tits". She'd sent quite a few and was asking for some of him and I discovered they'd slept together (again before we met).

I am mortified. I'm mortified he sent a pic of his penis to a woman on the internet, I'm mortified he spoke to a woman like that, I'm mortified he did it after we'd just slept together for the first time, I'm mortified that a few months ago I had a weird mark on my breast and sent him a pic of just the mark (no nipple or even indication it was breast!!) and he went crazy saying how gross "nude pics" are and that he thought I had more respect for myself (FWIW, I wasn't trying to be sexy I was really worried about the mark!!!)

They haven't spoken since (that I can see) and she said no to his gross request on that occasion. But I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like an idiot, I truly believed he was the perfect gentleman with nothing to hide and certainly respect for women.

I went on a mad one then (wrong I know!) and read a conversation between him and his friend where he was telling his friend how he'd made a girl "gush" just a few weeks before we met. I am disgusted.

Am I being over sensitive here? Do I say anything????? I obviously shouldn't have looked at his phone but I don't think I can let this slide. I couldn't even get in bed with him I'm in the spare room because it's just made me feel so sick. I feel like I don't even know this man now. What if she'd have said yes? Would he have cheated? Would I ever have found out? Would I be having his child?! What a terrible start to the new year

Anyone awake 😩

It doesn’t sound like he’s been with anyone else since days after you first slept together. Were you fully committed, in love, betroved at that point? It sounds like he was enjoying being a single lad, saying slightly inappropriate stuff. Yet since he fell in love with you he hasn’t. You should not have read his messages, have you never said anything you wouldn’t want him to hear? The fact there’s been nothing since you sound like you have a good one and I hope he doesn’t hear of you snooping

It’s all what if’s, he’s not cheated he is with you. Yes he sent a stupid pic when you first got together (within days) but nothing within the last 18months.
He is clearly serious with you and takes the relationship seriously whereas the others before were quite blutently “just sex”.
I think it’s unfair to judge him before you knew him as well as you don’t know what else was going on with him.
I’d hate to be judged on my previous sex life before DH as I made a fair few mistakes, that holds no warrant on my present relationship.
You now risk breaking any trust that is there and could ruin your relationship.
I’d just write if off as before you got serious and leave it at that

Hi, I'm awake. If you can't let this slide then tell him. Yes, he will likely be annoyed which may be because you snooped but also because he is embarrassed.

I suppose we can never really know anyone and what they are capable of. I know sometimes I surprise myself with my own thoughts (nothing too drastic here now!) So given that I accept people will surprise me.

No man in my experience is a perfect gentleman.

The gush comment is graphic, boasting and very much bravado I'd say. Maybe your partner has grown up since being with you?

I'm concerned by the berating our for sending your pic. It seems quite obvious you weren't sending it to be sexual and who is he to say anything given what he freely sends.

Bottom line, you are having his child and should feel comfortable discussing concerns with him. I think the worst thing is his double standards and the way he was so quick to try and make you feel bad (for doing nothing wrong!)

Just be ready that he may try and make this all about your snooping.

And yes you might have slept together however you didn’t both know and commit to settling down with each other then did you?
And re the “gush” message to his friend, not sure why you are upset.... men chat...women do as well!! I’ve talked about my sex life before and so has my DH

He sounds like a pig.

It's this that concerns me most though

and he went crazy saying how gross "nude pics" are and that he thought I had more respect for myself

Does he always speak to you like this?

Wow, really interesting replies. Maybe I over reacted. It just really threw me given the way he talks and acts with me and about other people.

I don't think it's ok that he messaged her when we were together asking her to do that though.... but admittedly it's not worth ruining our relationship now as he does seem to have been loyal since that one time.

I'll try to get over it and definitely won't look again. Sorry if I bothered anyone.

You don't think you can "let this slide". Let what slide, that he had a sex life before he met you? None of your business.

But I will assume pregnancy hormones are making you insecure.

You need a conversation. Make sure it doesn't turn into a fight.

It sounds like he was trying to impress you, but no one is perfect, any everyone lies and has things they are ashamed of. The fact that you found nothing since you’ve been in a committed relationship sounds like you have a good one

@HirplesWithHaggis more that he continued to message her when we were together. I am not an idiot I am aware he had a life before he met me

@HirplesWithHaggis more that he continued to message her when we were together. I am not an idiot I am aware he had a life before he met me

@HirplesWithHaggis more that he continued to message her when we were together. I am not an idiot I am aware he had a life before he met me

@Whyarealltheusernamestaken yeah, I think you're right.

I don't like some of the language used but it's true that it is in fact none of my business.

This is exactly why you shouldn't snoop 😩 thanks for taking the time to respond. I feel a lot better (and a bit silly).

You've pried and seen things not meant for you. People are complex and you saw a side to him he never meant for you.

No he hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’, but I would be completely turned off him after reading those conversations. Not sure I could get past it, either.

He’s repulsive, I couldn’t let this pass without saying anything OP, who flippin cares about you going through his phone, he sounds really
repulsive, demanding naked photos so he can get himself off, he’s a creep.

He tried to cheat on you two days after your relationship began and people are saying you're overreacting to be upset? What the fuck. This is rank, OP, I'm sorry. The only reason he didn't cheat on you in that instance is she rejected him. God knows who else he's tried it on with since you've been together, or whether they've been keen.

You haven't done anything wrong - it's far better you know now who this man is before your life gets any more entwined. I suspect if you start thinking about it, you will realise this man has said and done a lot more piggish, sexist shit - like berating you for sending a photo of your skin to him - that you've brushed over.

I agree with Vivino.

I personally don't think you're overreacting.

Everytime there's a poster (with kids) on here heartbroken and stressed shirtless by their partner's behaviour, they always refer to earlier incidents of stuff like this that they let go.

How far along are you, would ending the pregnancy be something you'd consider. It would make cutting ties with him s million times easier.

Shitless not shirtless lol

Also
"he went crazy saying how gross "nude pics" are and that he thought I had more respect for myself (FWIW, I wasn't trying to be sexy I was really worried about the mark!!!)"

That is some nuclear level hypocrisy, and ridiculousness there. That sort of hypocrisy and prudishness toward his partner while being someone who exchanges pics of sexual organs and asks women to suck him off etc. - makes me uncomfortable.

You say you wrongly looked at his stuff and you shouldn't have snooped: i disagree, you found out a lot about him that's important going forward. It's never ever a good thing to have your head in the sand and be naive about all aspects of your partner's character esp. when it's as apparently double standards as his.

By got together do you mean first date or date you agreed you were a couple as they're very different. One is OK to me, one not!!!

My DP has a past; wouldn't surprise me to find messages like that on an old phone but it would disgust me. He is amazing to me though and if a woman didnt like that chat she wouldn't reply as far as im concerned and def wouldn't send pics

Some guys have the Madonna whore complex. They like their official partner to be a lady but women they don't feel anything for they like doing more explicit things with.

He hasn't cheated on you therefore I'd let it go.

Has he not - after they started seeing each other, he was messaging another woman dick pics asking her to suck him off; and op rightly has doubts as to whether he would've physically cheated if the woman hasn't turned him down.

But it's the over reaction and total hypocrisy re the pic op sent him that worries me equally or more.

I don’t think you have over reacted either.
I agree with @merville.
The hypocrisy to me is very worrying.
I don’t expect to know everything about my DPs previous sex life but I believe he is pretty straight with me about how he has been in the past/ stuff he has been interested in etc.
I would be worried if I detected a split in his personality from how he presented himself to me and then to other people.
That anger towards you because you stepped on terrain (I appreciate the picture wasn’t actually meant to be a sexy pic) indicates the issue he has around this aspect of his personality.

Also, I have no idea why @hirpleswithhaggis is suggesting that your hormones are making you insecure or that you haven’t understood that your DP had a past. He sent the message you saw after you got together. It is not in the distant past. That would unsettle me. I understand your distress.

I predict that If you confront him he will get incredibly angry and the issue will become that you snooped. It would not surprise me if he threatened to leave you etc as he can’t trust you. I’m guessing this from his reaction to your picture. He will feel shame about this part of himself and know that he did wrong- but I doubt he will apologise at all.

I would find t impossible to let slide but I wonder what could actually be gained from confronting him... what could he say that would make you feel better?

I’m sorry you are going through this.

We are "DONE"
2005 to now - we're done. 13 years of my life down the swanney! Me, ds 16, DP of 14 years, dd 8 years, living together 11 years, mortgage together 4.5 years, engaged 4 years (I'm the commitment-phobe).I've just asked the questions, and gotten the answers. Were done! Because I dont "show" love in words. Love shown in actions doesn't count! Apparently! I put 50k + 50% of mortgage payments into our home, hes put 50% of mortgage payments in. Joint Dd is 8. I'm saying, buy me out at 50k (my inheritance towards house purchase) + 50% mortgage payments, he's saying 50% mortgage + 100k. I just told him tonight, hes the love of my life (true). But, in light of his reveal (I'm drunk, not correct wording), I'm fucking hurt. Advice and guidance please MN??! :( I'm hurting and not one to show it normally, hence my "incognito" post here. :(