Who is my "D" P

[ericaswift]

Been with my partner 18 months. We live together and have spent a lot of time together since we first got together. Naturally I've always felt I knew him very, very well. We've recently found out we're expecting, both very happy.

I've always trusted him, never heard or seen anything that has made me doubt his loyalty nor who I know him to be, therefore never checked his phone.

Until now.

He's asleep and a message from a woman on Facebook came up "where have you been?".

I, very wrongly, opened the chat. The last conversation was two days after we got together (I remember the date coz I'm a bit of a sop), and consisted of him asking her to (sorry this is gross) "suck me off" and a picture of his penis. I continued to scroll up and before we'd met he'd been constantly asking her for pics of her "arse and tits". She'd sent quite a few and was asking for some of him and I discovered they'd slept together (again before we met).

I am mortified. I'm mortified he sent a pic of his penis to a woman on the internet, I'm mortified he spoke to a woman like that, I'm mortified he did it after we'd just slept together for the first time, I'm mortified that a few months ago I had a weird mark on my breast and sent him a pic of just the mark (no nipple or even indication it was breast!!) and he went crazy saying how gross "nude pics" are and that he thought I had more respect for myself (FWIW, I wasn't trying to be sexy I was really worried about the mark!!!)

They haven't spoken since (that I can see) and she said no to his gross request on that occasion. But I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like an idiot, I truly believed he was the perfect gentleman with nothing to hide and certainly respect for women.

I went on a mad one then (wrong I know!) and read a conversation between him and his friend where he was telling his friend how he'd made a girl "gush" just a few weeks before we met. I am disgusted.

Am I being over sensitive here? Do I say anything????? I obviously shouldn't have looked at his phone but I don't think I can let this slide. I couldn't even get in bed with him I'm in the spare room because it's just made me feel so sick. I feel like I don't even know this man now. What if she'd have said yes? Would he have cheated? Would I ever have found out? Would I be having his child?! What a terrible start to the new year

Antiseptic You should cut this and paste into your own thread to get more replies. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Please re read what Merville said upthread. You have had a little window into his true personality here. You have two choices of course but be vigilant if you stay. He is a hypocrit at best.

I'll be honest, I feel really sick about this. My gut feeling is that there's more to it, not necessarily with this girl but in general.

His behaviour doesn't add up. Thanks to those who reassured me I'm not over reacting with the attempted cheating.

What has made you suspicious? you said you have had no reason to doubt his loyalty.

He's got a Madonna/whore thing going on

He considers some women to be angels and others worthless fuckholes

You have a long way to slide off your pedestal I am afraid and generally men with this mindset will punish you mightily when that inevitably happens. They also are more likely to cheat with "slags" as long as 'er indoors doesn't find out

18 months is really no time at allto be starting a family with someone. Ypu obviously didn't know him at all and I fear you have picked a lemon to father your child.

She messaged him last night out of the blue and I don't know, I guess I just didn't think and opened it.

It's worth mentioning that on the same day he messaged his ex saying that she was amazing and he hasn't found anyone who compares. She completely gave him the cold shoulder though.

He must have really not liked me in the beginning!

I find his complete double standard of most concern - as pp said, sounds like he has a Madonna/Whore complex going on, given he blew up ridiculously with you about a photo of a mark. In which case sex with you will probably go out the window once you have the baby.

Ericaswift apologies for posting on your thread - I have moved my post. I'm sorry you're going through this with your DP, wishing you all the best

The reason his behaviour doesn't add up is because he has a raging Madonna-whore whore complex. As demonstrated by the nuclear overreaction over your picture and the "splitting" of his personality.

These types can't grasp that the same person can be be sexy and soft (see @anyfuckers explanation).

In my interactions with these type of men I've also noticed a strong lean towards misogynystic tendencies.

I'm sorry to say this as I know you're pregnant and are suffering but if you stay with this person expect more indiscretions with "whores" and the death of your sex life after the baby is born (and you cement your "madonna" status).

Run like the fucking wind is my advice...These types can't be rewired.

It seems like he was still 'shopping around' a bit at the start of your relationship. Unfortunately I wouldn't say that's very rare. I think sometimes people act like that before they commit for various reasons; assessing their options, making themselves feel like they don't have all their eggs in one basket should the relationship not work out etc. The beginning of a new relationship can be an anxious, insecurity-provoking, uncertain time. It's shitty behaviour but I wouldn't say it's very rare.

If he genuinely has not made contact with anyone since that early stage (you said it happened soon after you slept together but .not sure how long you were seeing each other before you slept together) perhaps that was what it was. (It sounds like he and the woman who messaged him had no contact between that and when she messaged him the other night, probably due to holiday season loneliness/drunkenness). Still v unpleasant and hurtful for you (including the message to his ex) but if he's genuinely been committed and faithful since then ... you could just keep your eyes wide open.

I sincerely hope this is the case, mainly because you're pregnant, and hope I'm not advising you to continue with a cheater/potential cheater. His behaviour still speaks of less than ideal integrity, but then that's not as common as it should be.

The double standards/hypocrisy - some other posters have dire predictions and I don't know if they'll come true for you or not. All I know is I wouldn't be tolerating it for one second, Id challenge him on it very sharply and see how he responds.

Sounds like he was faking his interest with you at the start.
Only you can decide if he is genuine now.
If it was me he would be gone though.

I wouldn't say he was definitely faking his interest; maybe more undecided, uncommitted, trying to keep his options open etc.

Wtf, he messaged his ex as well on same day!! What a charmer

I think those of you saying that he stopped when he got together with you are missing the point rather.

Yes he technically hasn't done anything "wrong" but as others have pointed out he has a disagreeably binary view of women (Madonna/whore is a good summary) and his squeamishness about the mark on your breast is disgustingly misogynistic and very unsupportive. Any bloke who demands pornographic pictures from a woman they have slept with, in any context, is a perv and a misogynist and why would you want to be with someone who feels this way about other women?

I'm sorry as you're pregnant and the timing isn't great but I do think you need to reassess whether you have a future with someone who can debase women and their bodies in this way.

I think the thing is OP , it’s hard in your head to sometimes get around what someone tells you they are and what you know about them and maybe would rather not know. I would say to others to think twice about snooping if they are not prepared to never feel quite the same about someone . After finding out about a very old emotional affair I snooped and found my H has a very frequent hard core porn habit and this comes from a guy after20 odd years who has always said he looked at it very occasionally when away from home as he isn’t tat keen (not the case at all) I almost wish I hadn’t snooped but now I have it has opened a can of worms and I feel it’s totally hypocrisy and he does know that at this level it would bother me . If you saw nothing else in all honesty it may be he was just in his head still dating when he sent these and not ‘in a relationship’ . It would concern me slightly though his response to your text picture.

OP I think posting here will not be that useful to you - ad you can see everyone has really different standards for what they will and won’t accept. The only thing that matters is what YOU will accept.

I personally would not want to be with a man like this because this type of language/behaviour suggests misogyny. I believe all people, including women, internalise misogynistic ideas from oue mysogynistic society, so the “perfect gentleman” who truly sees women as complete equals probably doesn’t exist. But visible misogyny such as this is unacceptable to me.

I do think him suggesting that women who send nude pics somehow don’t respect themselves was a red flag for his misogyny too, though as it was an isolated incident it would be easy to miss

YY to the posters talking about the Madonna/whore complex. The question is, do you want to be seen as a Madonna or a whore? Or as a fully formed, complex human being? If the latter, I doubt this guy will ever really manage it.

Not unusual and doesn't surprise me. You clearly have high standards and are mature and he's adapted to you and also matured. I think that's why the double standard about your 'nude' pic happened-because it was in the past.

People might not agree with this but I would check his phone again after a few days or so to see if he's replied to her. If he has not don't check his phone again.

You could also tell him you saw a message pop up from a girl and wondered who that is. Although that would be a slippery slope as he might lie due to embarrassment or whatever other reason, which will only anger you

It’s a tough one

You start off saying you know him inside out etc but after 18 months you’re still getting to know each other
Secondly - you mention how much you trusted him and had no reason to doubt him etc. Well that’s all lies otherwise you wouldn’t have opened his messages when he received something so innocent. “Where have you been” doesn’t sound suspicious in the slightest so you had no reason to go through his phone. So just admit you went through it because you could.

Were You honestly in an exclusive commited relationship when he messaged this woman? I wouldn’t necessarily agree with the whore/angel crap either - my DP can talk some absolute filth but he’s incredibly respectful of everyone in normal life.

He had a sex life before he met you. Nothing wrong with that.
What’s worse - sending a nude picture to somebody who used to send them back, or invading someone’s privacy and checking their phone???

The only thing that really would bother me about this would be his reaction to the picture you sent, and that's without having read those messages. A response like that would put me off a man completely, it's just pure misogyny, controlling, insulting to you and I agree with all the posters who say Madonna/whore complex. Pathetic and so immature.

As far as the messages are concerned, they're not very pleasant but it sounds as if it was mutual rather than him pestering her so that part I don't have much of a problem with. You weren't at a stage in your relationship at the time where it would count as cheating in my book, and I personally don't mind a bit of filth as long as it's mutual and respectful. The fact that you're so shocked suggests to me that you might be fairly conservative about these things, which is fine, but I think it's very weird that he's behaved like this with other women and presented himself so differently to you, even to the extent of trying to police your sexual behaviour. Why on earth would it be a problem to send a sexy picture to a committed partner anyway, if you had?

If you were exclusive then I'm not sure why it isn't cheating to send women pictures of your dick. It is.

If you weren't formally exclusive then it's more grey.

But fuck the "more respect for yourself" BS. Even if you sent him a picture of your tits (to your boyfriend!) How would that be disrespecting yourself? Weird bloke.

Had he sent anything since?
Had he deleted anything?
I would be freaked out by this and very upset about texting the ex saying nothing compares to her. However if this happens before and also in the first few days/weeks of your commited relationship and nothing since then I would just ignore it.
I wonder if/what he will reply to the girl?
I don’t like how he made a fuss of your pic and it was a health concern too. That’s insane. Even you sending sexy pics to him is fine I don’t get his reaction.
Like others have said he had the Madonna complex but that’s not healthy as he obviously lusts over the whore idea thing which he doesn’t seem to want to create with you. This is a preference that won’t go away and intime it will resurface and may result in affairs. I would of said it can be just a fantasy like men or women may have and that it’s stays like that but as he’s had sex with her and then all the messages he’s had that type of experience so is now not a fantasy so how long will that stay like that?
He’s not cheated but you may need to talk without telling him about what you’ve seen and talk about sexing up the relationship if that’s what you want! Talking about fantasies and desires can really help and provide intimacy. When I got with hubby out sex life was standard but over the 15 years we are open and more outgoing about what we like and talk without the embarrassing what will he/she think of me etc.

I don’t like how he reacted about the health scare pic but maybe he feels guilty about his likes and want you to think of him in a certain way as he may see you. It could be he’s hiding something too and it threw him.
So far he hasn’t cheated hopefully but I think you need to talk about what you both like without judgement.

He was basically trying it on with any woman - you were the only one that gave in to him.

His behaviour doesn't add up
Probably because he's never been honest or genuine. He played a game and only showed you the character he was playing.

Who's idea was it to be joint at the hip so early on and move in asap?
His OTT reaction to your pic reveals an abusive side to him which he's probably been hiding.

To give you some perspective - 2 days into your relationship he was unlikely to know he was going to be serious with you. But you do need to speak to him about this or it will be forever on your mind. Congrats on your pregnancy.

I think the poster who suggested I might not fully trust him as I stated in my OP is actually correct. I think I like to think I do but it's true I wouldn't have snooped if I trusted him.

I also agree that the messages between him and the girl were definitely consensual and of mutual interest, I didn't feel like he was pressuring her, they both seemed totally up for it and as much as it's not nice to read (my own fault!) he wasn't actually doing anything wrong.

The asking for oral whilst we were together however, is pretty shite and we'd been "seeing each other" for 3 months at the point where we had the "exclusive" chat. So I am hurt but I do think I can overlook it because deep down I do believe nothing has happened since.

What I find really interesting upon reflection today, is how he comments on things I wear. For example

• that's too short and gives the wrong impression
• your boobs look too big in that (in a turtle neck!!! - I do have big breasts but I can't really do anything about that tbh!)
• that's too see through

these comments have always annoyed me because I dress myself for myself, I like to be comfortable, I like to look nice for sure but Im not into fashion I just like what I like and HATE my big breasts so never wear low cut tops (not that there's anything wrong with them - I'm just not very confident/comfortable unfortunately). It's only today I'm realising that he seems to want me to be wearing/behaving in a totally different way to the way he wanted her to behave. Is that an issue?

I feel like I sound ridiculous to be honest. For what it's worth, I'm not suggesting I'd rather him ask me for naked pics, I'm just confused how he can seem to be two totally different people.

Thanks so much for your replies they're honestly really helpful, I can't really speak to anyone in real life about this. I just hope none of you think I'm as much of an idiot as I think I am right now! X