Who is my "D" P

[ericaswift]

Been with my partner 18 months. We live together and have spent a lot of time together since we first got together. Naturally I've always felt I knew him very, very well. We've recently found out we're expecting, both very happy.

I've always trusted him, never heard or seen anything that has made me doubt his loyalty nor who I know him to be, therefore never checked his phone.

Until now.

He's asleep and a message from a woman on Facebook came up "where have you been?".

I, very wrongly, opened the chat. The last conversation was two days after we got together (I remember the date coz I'm a bit of a sop), and consisted of him asking her to (sorry this is gross) "suck me off" and a picture of his penis. I continued to scroll up and before we'd met he'd been constantly asking her for pics of her "arse and tits". She'd sent quite a few and was asking for some of him and I discovered they'd slept together (again before we met).

I am mortified. I'm mortified he sent a pic of his penis to a woman on the internet, I'm mortified he spoke to a woman like that, I'm mortified he did it after we'd just slept together for the first time, I'm mortified that a few months ago I had a weird mark on my breast and sent him a pic of just the mark (no nipple or even indication it was breast!!) and he went crazy saying how gross "nude pics" are and that he thought I had more respect for myself (FWIW, I wasn't trying to be sexy I was really worried about the mark!!!)

They haven't spoken since (that I can see) and she said no to his gross request on that occasion. But I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like an idiot, I truly believed he was the perfect gentleman with nothing to hide and certainly respect for women.

I went on a mad one then (wrong I know!) and read a conversation between him and his friend where he was telling his friend how he'd made a girl "gush" just a few weeks before we met. I am disgusted.

Am I being over sensitive here? Do I say anything????? I obviously shouldn't have looked at his phone but I don't think I can let this slide. I couldn't even get in bed with him I'm in the spare room because it's just made me feel so sick. I feel like I don't even know this man now. What if she'd have said yes? Would he have cheated? Would I ever have found out? Would I be having his child?! What a terrible start to the new year

this Man is using you, he does not respect cherish or love you, please call someone and have him removed or move out yourself into your own tenancy.

Happy Birthday lovely

OP you are NOT a fool.
He suckered you in with his angel act.
All abusers do that.
How would they bag anyone if they were misogynistic and abusive from the off?
They wouldn't so.
So you fell for the act.
So many do.
And had it not been for a bit of snooping you would be none the wiser.
Be glad you trusted your gut and found out now.
Do NOT beat yourself about this.
This is ALL him!!!!!
Not you!

I'm sorry this has happened to you op, what a shit birthday present. Try and look on the bright side though, at least you're getting out fairly early on, it would be a lot harder further down the line.

And.....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY OP.
Not the best one you'll ever have, but they can only get better after this one.

Just well done OP. You know you aren't psycho, he's just a sly bastard. I'm sorry its yourbirthday and you are dealing with this. If nothing else, celebrate in your mind that you are ridding yourself of a relationship with a cold and controlling sly man. For his concernto be about the pathetic issue of it being your breast in a photo and not worried about you and your health is red flag enough. Let alone the rest. Well done again for ending it right away.

You might have to consider moving out yourself and taking your name off the tenancy.

Blimey OP how awful I'm so sorry.

You're so not a fool OP . What a horribly hurtful thing to discover, but what a blessing really that you found all this out now not in a year's time.

It is true unfortunately that with the pregnancy you will now always have some sort of connection with this abusive dickhead but there's no easy way out of that as I think you sound very committed to becoming a mum. The other option would be too upsetting at this stage I would imagine. But at least now you are wise to him. Read up on abusers and their mind games so you're ready for whatever crap he pulls next and just try to keep your head held high.

You needn't put him on the birth certificate and I'm sure other posters will be able to offer advice on this sort of thing as sadly it's all too common. It's got nothing to do with being a fool, anyone can fall victim to someone like this. Do you have family and friends who can be your support network now? Look after yourself and believe in yourself, you can do this OP.

And happy birthday . Wishing you a year full of love, strength and a fresh new start.

Be prepared for him to try to wheedle his way back in and say almost anything to mess with your head. Fortunately your eyes have been well and truly opened, it must just be so bewildering and disorienting atm but you have seen his true colours. Don't let him try to minimise any of it, a decent man does not do any of the things you have mentioned, least of all to a pregnant partner.

I don’t think you will get shot of him that easily, sadly.
He likes playing games and if you have this baby if he wants to be in their lives he will. Your pain and resistance will only make the Daddy role more appealing to him. Not putting him on the birth certificate only delays things if he wants to pursue it he can and will.

I know you might not want to hear this and I’m sorry if it upsets you, but are you sure about bringing this man’s child into the world?

I’m very sorry you are going through all this.

OMG. He's turned out to be a nasty piece of work.

I'd imagine, after being in angry mode having been found out in what he's been doing and saying behind your back, he might move onto pity me, manipulative, guilting you mode when he realises his comfortable setup is going to broken up (you paying all the bills, sticking with him while he tries to control your clothing, behaviour etc) ... Be prepared for that.

He'll also most likely like a lot about what's happened.

Yes @merville I agree that he will definitely like a lot of this drama and upset. Because he is at the epicentre of it, being the cause and all that

Lie not like

I'm so sorry OP. First of all it was a bit of a grey area, but the more you said the worse it sounded so it is good that things have ended. And unfortunately this is the sort of twatty reaction you get from a vile bloke like him.

Do you have anyone you could stay with? I bet he's a stubborn and difficult bloke and I wouldn't bet on him moving out. You may have to swallow the financial side of things and remove yourself for the good of your health. I am assuming from previous posts that would still wish to continue with the pregnancy and that is absolutely your decision-in that case you must look after yourself and reducing stress is better than sticking the finger to him and staying in the same house.

I'm afraid I don't know legally how you would stand withdrawing financial support (e.g. stopping paying half the rent and bills, if he won't pay and will put both your names onto arrears). Could you pay up to end the contract early?

Hope you're okay, OP. What a shitty thing to happen especially on your birthday.

Oh erica - I hope you're ok. Perhaps consider staying with your friend for a night or two?

I'm certain he'll be back OP, gas lighting you. Please heed who he really is. Wish you all the luck with your pregnancy