Who is my "D" P

[ericaswift]

Been with my partner 18 months. We live together and have spent a lot of time together since we first got together. Naturally I've always felt I knew him very, very well. We've recently found out we're expecting, both very happy.

I've always trusted him, never heard or seen anything that has made me doubt his loyalty nor who I know him to be, therefore never checked his phone.

Until now.

He's asleep and a message from a woman on Facebook came up "where have you been?".

I, very wrongly, opened the chat. The last conversation was two days after we got together (I remember the date coz I'm a bit of a sop), and consisted of him asking her to (sorry this is gross) "suck me off" and a picture of his penis. I continued to scroll up and before we'd met he'd been constantly asking her for pics of her "arse and tits". She'd sent quite a few and was asking for some of him and I discovered they'd slept together (again before we met).

I am mortified. I'm mortified he sent a pic of his penis to a woman on the internet, I'm mortified he spoke to a woman like that, I'm mortified he did it after we'd just slept together for the first time, I'm mortified that a few months ago I had a weird mark on my breast and sent him a pic of just the mark (no nipple or even indication it was breast!!) and he went crazy saying how gross "nude pics" are and that he thought I had more respect for myself (FWIW, I wasn't trying to be sexy I was really worried about the mark!!!)

They haven't spoken since (that I can see) and she said no to his gross request on that occasion. But I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like an idiot, I truly believed he was the perfect gentleman with nothing to hide and certainly respect for women.

I went on a mad one then (wrong I know!) and read a conversation between him and his friend where he was telling his friend how he'd made a girl "gush" just a few weeks before we met. I am disgusted.

Am I being over sensitive here? Do I say anything????? I obviously shouldn't have looked at his phone but I don't think I can let this slide. I couldn't even get in bed with him I'm in the spare room because it's just made me feel so sick. I feel like I don't even know this man now. What if she'd have said yes? Would he have cheated? Would I ever have found out? Would I be having his child?! What a terrible start to the new year

Glad you've got some to support Erica.

And interesting (even more damning actually) that she feels the relationship with him had changed you for the worse. He does sound controlling and chauvinistic. Are you now saying he's accused you unfairly of flirting or cheating? Standard controlling, abusive man operating procedure. They think everyone's like them.

As I said above, take your time, see if you can find out anything else, don't tip him off and lose advantage. You don't have to make any decisions video have any big confrontations until you want to.

Yeah I think on messenger you would archive or delete the whole chat.

I think I would want to dump someone for the messages. Because it is cheating. And I definitely would if I found out at the time. But if I found the exact same thing out, hypothetically, now, years after getting with DP I probably wouldn't. But I would be really hurt and I don't know whether trust issues would kill it anyway.

However I know I would have to split for someone essentially body/slut shaming me or whatever term you want to use

@merville yeah, he's accused me of texting other men, having men in the house when he's out (which I mean, even the most disrespectful people surely don't do, that's gross!), and has moaned when certain men have liked Facebook posts and stuff. All pretty weird things but somehow he made it seem like it was ok/normal. Which sounds absolutely insane to me right now.

@Dirtybadger I think the chat was archived because the one with his ex was as it didn't come up when I looked in the inbox, it was only when I pressed message on her Facebook profile they all came up. Which makes me think what the bloody hell else is archived 😩

Okay the accusing you of having men in the house is ringing big alarm bells now. The dick pics are small fry!!

He will be asking you to Skype under the bed to prove there's no one there in a few years time....

Oh fk he's text book controlling, chauvinist, double standards B, isn't he.

I know from experience that all the clothing comments and unfair suspicions/accusations,band having to defend yourself, and the stress/tension of anticipating the next comment/whinge .. is bad enough. It does change your personality, it represses you.

But on top of all that, he was actually schmoozing his ex saying he hadn't met anyone to compare to her 3 months or so into your relationship, and even worse sexting a 'former' fk buddy asking for oral sex with dick pics .... Hypocrite and cheater ( possibly not a physical cheater only due to being turned down by ex FB).

So sorry you're in this position op. You don't have to make any quick decisions, pregnancy and new parenthood is hard enough.

I'd check to see if there's more that might help your future decisions (you'll have to keep your powder dry and not confront him or he'll delete anything) and get your plans made; at your convenience and to yourself and your little one's advantage.dont confide in anyone who could carry it back to him, couples talk to each other about everything usually - in case any friends are his mates' partners).

@merville luckily I'm exhausted so intend on being asleep before he comes up, hopefully by tomorrow I'll have calmed down a little bit and it'll be easier to pretend I'm ok.

Our town is small and everyone loves a gossip, that one friend is wonderful and won't tell anyone else luckily. I won't, and don't really feel like I need to speak to anyone else at this point.

I think I want to leave him. But you're right, I need time to be sure. I just feel so sick and upset right now. And very angry at myself.

You shouldn't be angry at yourself, you haven't done anything wrong.

There are red flags there in his behaviour but you're sadly not the first who has proceeded with someone with red flags and you won't be the last.

It's worth mentioning that on the same day he messaged his ex saying that she was amazing and he hasn't found anyone who compares – wow – what a horrible person he sounds.
he's accused me of texting other men, having men in the house when he's out – this is called projection. It’s what he does and he’s judging you by his own standards – NOT OK!
moaned when certain men have liked Facebook posts and stuff – Controlling!!!!
Sorry but this is not a good guy.
You’re starting to realise.
Now just take your time and make your plans.

He is sounding worse and worse as you continue, OP. The things you're mentioning as afterthoughts are in themselves big red flags.

It's over

Did you find more stuff or did you confront him?

Sorry you are going through this, especially pregnant OP.

@merville both. Saw messages between him and his friend slagging me off and saying some very derogatory things, including how funny it would be to pack my bags and leave them outside (the house I pay for!).

Confronted him. I'm a psycho, a freak and a weirdo and he's done with me.

Well done OP.
It will be hard to start with.
But keep busy and you'll get there.
Stay strong.
Look after yourself.
Get some RL support around you.

sounds awful but i would think very carefully about terminating the pregnancy because otherwise this nobber will be part of your life forever

Fking hell.

This is one of those times you wish you could be there to give the op a hug.

So you're all those things for acting decently and honestly in a relationship and he's what? A guy who's sending dick pics to a former fb, asking for oral sex - shortly after declaring a relationship 'official'.

And slagging you off to his friends, and joking about throwing you out of your shared home where you pay bills (was this before or after he got you pregnant).

He's thrown every insult he can at you because he's been caught out. He's a bastard, a horrible person, and he'll never be anything but.

So sorry this has happened. Get as much support as you possibly can and take it easy on yourself. Time heals all wounds.

So sorry he's been so vile OP. Has he gone? Get the locks changed and see someone who cares for you. Thank goodness you found out now.

OMG what an absolute psycho he is! You must be reeling you poor thing

Lucky escape though!

No he hasn't left, and the messages about kicking me out were about two weeks ago, so yeah I was pregnant, and his friend knows that. And it was a serious suggestion and my partner seemed to actually consider it. I'm just in a state of shock. How do I get him to leave? Both our names are on the rent but I pay for everything and have done for four months.

Even now he's saying I'm crazy and I've brought this all on myself. I cannot believe how vile he is.

Oh, and did I mention today is my birthday? Yep.

I cannot believe how vile he is
He is showing his true colours.
Is there anywhere you can go for a few days?
Why are you paying for everything?
Stop that as of now.
How much longer on your tenancy?
Can you give a months notice from today?

He sounds vile OP. I would be appalled at the prospect of being with someone who discusses women that way, the fact I had no evidence he'd done it to me would be neither here nor there, I couldn't feel comfortable with that I don't think.
I will say from what you're saying, it does sound like before you got together so it doesn't look like he has cheated based on that. The way he shamed you over the picture you sent is a huge red flag. Telling you to have more respect for yourself wtf! Perhaps he's one if these guys who's partner is to behave decently as per his sexist rules, and other women are fair game to objectify for his sexual gratification. He honestly sounds grim. He has shown you he doesn't respect women, or you as a woman or his partner.

I,like you, would be wondering who the he'll I had really set up shop with, and would have left as soon as he'd aggressively shamed me for seeking help for a health concern, by making out I was some sort of slut. His oversexualitaion of female body parts is his own pathetic problem, and his attempts to control you by shaming you, are a red flag that you'd be wise not to ignore OP. You (all women) can do better.

How come you've been paying for everything? This guy doesn't get better in any way, does he?

I'm not sure about rental arrangements but isn't there a main/lead tenant? The rental agency might be your best port of call for finding out how to proceed.

Yeah you sound really crazy and he sounds like a well adjusted, decent, stand up guy.

Because I'm a fool 😞

You've been in an 18 month relationship with him and are pregnant with his child; you thought you were back couple with a future; I presume you thought you were holding the fort financially for a while etc.

That doesn't make you a fool.

I hope you're with good friends/family today, esp on your birthday.