Who is my "D" P

[ericaswift]

Been with my partner 18 months. We live together and have spent a lot of time together since we first got together. Naturally I've always felt I knew him very, very well. We've recently found out we're expecting, both very happy.

I've always trusted him, never heard or seen anything that has made me doubt his loyalty nor who I know him to be, therefore never checked his phone.

Until now.

He's asleep and a message from a woman on Facebook came up "where have you been?".

I, very wrongly, opened the chat. The last conversation was two days after we got together (I remember the date coz I'm a bit of a sop), and consisted of him asking her to (sorry this is gross) "suck me off" and a picture of his penis. I continued to scroll up and before we'd met he'd been constantly asking her for pics of her "arse and tits". She'd sent quite a few and was asking for some of him and I discovered they'd slept together (again before we met).

I am mortified. I'm mortified he sent a pic of his penis to a woman on the internet, I'm mortified he spoke to a woman like that, I'm mortified he did it after we'd just slept together for the first time, I'm mortified that a few months ago I had a weird mark on my breast and sent him a pic of just the mark (no nipple or even indication it was breast!!) and he went crazy saying how gross "nude pics" are and that he thought I had more respect for myself (FWIW, I wasn't trying to be sexy I was really worried about the mark!!!)

They haven't spoken since (that I can see) and she said no to his gross request on that occasion. But I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like an idiot, I truly believed he was the perfect gentleman with nothing to hide and certainly respect for women.

I went on a mad one then (wrong I know!) and read a conversation between him and his friend where he was telling his friend how he'd made a girl "gush" just a few weeks before we met. I am disgusted.

Am I being over sensitive here? Do I say anything????? I obviously shouldn't have looked at his phone but I don't think I can let this slide. I couldn't even get in bed with him I'm in the spare room because it's just made me feel so sick. I feel like I don't even know this man now. What if she'd have said yes? Would he have cheated? Would I ever have found out? Would I be having his child?! What a terrible start to the new year

I’ve got very big boobs too Op, hate it but I do wear lowish cut tops because I think I look better in them than high necks !! H agrees

Please run away from him.

He tells you what to wear essentially.
He yells at you for sending pics of your boobs to him, despite sending dirty pics to other women himself.
He cheated on you at the start of your relationship.
He tried to cheat on you with his ex the other day.
He will have cheated on you in the last 18 months, guaranteed.
He will always cheat on you.
He will continue to abuse you.

You need to run now.

@user1479305498 I bet you have amazing boobs! 😃 I will bare that in mind. It's annoying because some of my smaller breasted friends say they'd love mine whilst I'd love theirs! Never happy are we eh!

If anyone thinks you're an idiot here, they'd have to be one themselves; if that makes any sense.

I'd be upset, unnerved and angry if I saw texts from my partner to an ex saying he'd found noone to compare to her and another woman asking her for oral sex, with a dick pic; after we'd started seeing each other and esp after having had sex.

And that would be without being pregnant with his child!

(I'm not 100% on the timeline, is it that you had sex early ish after you started seeing him and these texts were a couple of days after that. Then 3 months in you and he had the exclusivity talk?).

Personally I don't like his attitude to the pic you sent him and I don't like his comments about your clothing. Makes him sound controlling, chauvinistic etc. And coming from him with the sort of shit he says to mates and casual girlfriends/hookups, fucking hypocritical.

@merville we met and we're seeing each other for about 3 months before we had sex (he worked away then so we didnt actually see each other much but we were in constant contact and together the whole time he was home), a couple of days later he took me away and suggested we become "official" which of course I was thrilled about.

Two days after the official chat, and say 5 days after sex for the first time is when he was asking her for oral.

I'm actually starting to get a bit upset now, what the hell was his problem? Was I not enough? Ok I am not the most confident of girls sexually but I wouldn't say I'm a bore and he hadn't even suggested anything like pics or anything so he didn't even know what my boundaries were! His language was totally different with me from day one!
Can hear him laughing downstairs and it's turning my tummy.

Thanks for that update, clarified it a bit better, er just no OP, he had known you quite a while and quite clearly you don’t do ‘official couple’ and then go asking others for oral. I think you are going to have to bring this up , I don’t think it will go away . His reaction I think will tell you how you need to go forwards. If he gets defensive, I would seriously consider your position.

A few of us have mentioned it now....read about Madonna-whore complex and you'll get why he behaves like this.

It's irrelevant what your boundaries are or were because he doesn't see you in a sexual light....You are enough op and not the problem....It's him and his misogynistic attitudes and simpleton thought process.

There are plenty of guys out there who realise naughty and nice come in the same package

Seeing each other 3 months, had had exclusivity chat/agreement and he was behaving like that, no, fuck that; that's cheating (or actively trying to).
I wonder would the posters itt who've said he hasn't cheated change their opinion now this has been clarified.

You don't have (and he initiated it) a discussion about being official and within that the natural understanding that you're exclusive; and then go sexting and trying to initiate oral sex with an ex/fwb.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. As I said in my first post (and I know it's an extreme and pretty horrible thing to say) how far along are you? Does everyone know about the pregnancy?

There's nothing wrong with you at all; he's just a scum bag.

I wouldn't actually raise it with him.

You'll show all your cards and he'll go deleting anything else incriminating and be super careful if he is doing anything else untoward.

It's very hard but I would take time to gather my thoughts and decide on a course of action; one that's best for you and your child, on your terms.

@merville I'm 15 weeks and yeah everyone knows. I'm really excited to become a mother. I just think there is a chance now that it might not be quite the fairytale I thought. I can't believe how naive I've been.

I know I said I mustn't have truly trusted him to look at his phone, but honestly, I never expected all of this. He paints the most wonderful picture of himself, I think if I told my friends about this they'd struggle to believe me. He comes across as so shy and I'm just perplexed.

Everything he's done today has had me questioning why we're together, is that just coz I'm angry or is there more to this?

I realise that's a huge question to ask strangers but I am just feeling so alone right now. What have I done.

I'd also screenshot the messages you found,njust for your own reference; as no doubt he'll try the 'you're wrong, you're crazy, that's not what was said' etc line if you confront of tell people about it.

I would cut your losses and run OP.

Regardless of the technicalities of when the "official/exclusive" boundaries were drawn (and it does appear that even within this narrow definition he has tried to cheat) he has revealed himself to be a misogynist with deeply unappealing views of women and controlling tendencies who wants to put you in a "good girl" box while reserving the right to demand dirty pictures and sex acts from women he's previously had sex with.

I'm sorry you've had to find this out at this point when you're pregnant but I think you have to ask yourself if you want your unborn child to be brought up with a man who has views like this about women?

(or tell people about it).

Yes if you’d been seeing him 3 months then that’s a different kettle of fish.

Another one here thinking he sounds terrible re the hypocracy!

@merville I didn't want to sound crazy but... last night I took pics of his screen on my phone.

Go easy on yourself Erica. This would be extremely hurtful, angering and destabilising stuff to find out about a partner of 18 months you thought you had a future with, even without a pregnancy in the picture.

Anyone normal would be tearing their hair out. You can keep talking on Mumsnet but do you have anyone you can tell irl. Are your family good support? You could engineer a visit/break if you want to get away from him for a bit to deal with it.

You don't have to do anything now. You can do whatever you want to do in your own time. It's also better to be prepared and gave the advantage if you decide to get rid of him.

How is that crazy? It was exactly the right thing to do, because he'll try to convince you you're wrong if you confront him, and youll possibly even doubt yourself. It's standard operating procedure in situations like this, unfortunately.

I don't think it's the hugest issue ever given the timings and no such conversations since BUT given that he has such tendencies, I'd question whether he wouldn't be tempted to back to his ways later on in your relationship e.g. when you're heavily pregnant, knee-deep in nappies, when the relationship is beyond the honeymoon period etc. as it's one thing to have had previous relationships which is fine but entirely another thing to behave so sleazily towards women - I know he doesn't behave like that towards you but he does to other women.. sounds to me a bit like the Ashley cole and Cheryl cole marriage situation where he wanted Cheryl and to be with her yet would continously have dirty, dishonest flings with multiple random, "low quality" females both before meeting cheryl and after marrying her.

OP just to clarify, the message to his ex was about 18 months ago too, correct? Not a few days ago? I read it as being historic also (but just after you got together) but have seen another poster read it as more recent so am not sure if I've interpreted it correctly.

Do you think it's possible they have been in contact in between and he has deleted evidence? Or not really likely? Seems odd to message someone after 18 months. Unless she's just split up with someone so is trying her luck, or something like that. I used to get FWBs who would randomly message months and months apart but not over a year later were they friends before?

By the way it's actually wonderful that you can still say you're really excited to become a mother, even with this upset and stress; it's lovely. It sounds like youll be a great mum whatever your circumstances.

@merville I've just told my one friend everything. She believes me and said that she didn't want to say anything but that she'd noticed a change in me since being with him. She said I've became so much more reserved. Which is, upon reflection true.

She didn't really have much advice, she's pretty angry with him because she knows of occasions where he's completely irrationally accused me of stuff (when he's been drunk). And yeah, I'm bound to say this, but I honestly haven't done anything disrespectful since we met actually. I was/am really into him.

Why is it that this morning I believed my partner was the perfect gentleman but now I'm looking into things and actually, I think he's a bit of an emotional abuser. I'm an idiot.

Dirtybadger - 'where have you been' suggests the other girl hadn't seen him/heard from him in a while' or that's how I'd interpret it. Whether that was 18 months or not (?)

@Dirtybadger yeah, he'd been messaging his ex the majority of the time that we'd been seeing each other actually. To be fair, nothing remotely bad, just catching up until the message where she asked if he'd met anyone and he said "no one who compares to you" was the same day he asked the other girl to "suck him off". FWIW, he spoke to his ex the same way he speaks to me rather than the more explicit way he spoke to the other girl. They'd been split up for four years, no contact, so it's very weird timing. My knowledge of her was that she'd cheated, but in the messages he apologised to her for messing their relationship up and she says it was both of them and he again, says it was all his fault - so my head is fried!!

These women must have been gob smacked a couple of days later when we updated our relationship thing on Facebook😩 I realise that sounds immature but I can't help thinking they must think I'm a total moron.

@Dirtybadger no definitely not friends, well I say definitely, I guess I have no idea do I.

But my impression from their conversation, for example, she mentioned the death of a family member and he didn't even apologise or acknowledge really, just a sad face, the whole conversation was purely sexual. And the way he spoke about her to his friend gave me the impression it was just sex after nights out kind of thing. Coz it's a Facebook messenger thread, I don't see why he'd delete certain messages, surely the whole thread woulda been easier to delete. Especially as it contains all their pics. So no, I don't believe they've spoken in that time. But I could be wrong!