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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I've been lied to for years

121 replies

KathyGlover · 30/12/2018 22:02

I don't know what to say. I opened husbands phone tonight because mine was dead and I was feeding the baby to sleep and bored.

Opened reddit but not being a user I didn't know any topics to search so I clicked through his supscription list. We have a shared hobby and he often reads bits out from reddit (I'm not a reddit user as mentioned) so I clicked on his username to see if there was a recent thread type thing. It showed his last 2 posted messages (just 2 messages ever) and the screenshot was one of them.

I don't know what to do. He knows I've seen it. I don't want to dripfeed so feel I should explain dc3 was born 16 weeks prematurely and spent 9 months in hospital. Things have been hard. But if I'm honest. I knew he never wanted me. Never loved me. Not properly anyway. I feel like I've lied to for the last 6 years but I knew. I knew.

Im so... So confused.

He's upstairs trying to convince the 3 year old to sleep. He knows I know. First reaction was 'shouldn't have been looking thorough my phone' followed by wet, half arsed justifications of 'we'd had a row'. No. I've spent the last 6 years riddled with insecurity because I knew but he always told me I being ridiculous. I wasnt.

What do I do?

OP posts:
iwonderwhen · 30/12/2018 22:06

I don't understand- what was in his message??

Pinkknickers · 30/12/2018 22:06

What did you find?

Eviecee · 30/12/2018 22:08

Did you mean to attach a screenshot?

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2018 22:08

I'm sorry but you forgot to post the message.

Original poster
KathyGlover · 30/12/2018 22:11

Screenshot hasn't attached.

I think I've been lied to for years
OP posts:
Original poster
KathyGlover · 30/12/2018 22:11

Hopefully that's worked now, sorry.

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 30/12/2018 22:12

You poor love x I assume that the message made it clear he didn’t love you? In the usual sense that a husband loves his wife?

ASAS · 30/12/2018 22:13

Oh this one's easy. Get him and his phone to fuck.

Take care xxx

Bebe03 · 30/12/2018 22:13

Oh I don’t have a huge amount of advice but didn’t want to read & run. I guess it doesn’t sound sustainable to stay in the relationship, you deserve to be with somebody who loves and wants to be with you. Good luck xx

QueenofallIsee · 30/12/2018 22:13

Cross message sorry x my heart hurts for you. You deserve to be with someone who values you properly. Base all your decisions on that certainty

Weenurse · 30/12/2018 22:15

Wow, time for counseling and an exit strategy if that does not help.
I am so sorry you are going through this

gamerchick · 30/12/2018 22:16

Ah I'm sorry OP, I would be crushed in your shoes. Sad Flowers

I think I would take him at his word and ask him to leave for a bit while I processed this information. Do you have real life support?

Cauliflowersqueeze · 30/12/2018 22:16

How sad and how upsetting.

You know the answer.

Eviecee · 30/12/2018 22:16

What a horrible message to find. Not surprised you're upset. I guess you could see if he wants to go to Relate, it will be easier to discuss with an expert present even if its to help you end the relationship

Steakbakeislife · 30/12/2018 22:16

I would kick his sorry arse out. I couldn't forgive that. He's taking no responsibility for his actions like he had no part in you getting pregnant 3 times and by getting married.

Joboy · 30/12/2018 22:16

You are a wonderful beautiful person who deserves to be loved .
Get rid of him

NYNewMe · 30/12/2018 22:16

Wow if I was on that forum and read his message I would think what a knob! How do you accidentally have 3 children with someone !! He sounds weak pathetic and unable to take any responsibility for himself.

If I were you I’d suggest a period of time where you remain together to co-parent and focus on making yourself independent financially, and emotionally.

RogueV · 30/12/2018 22:16

I’m sorry op Sad
Time to leave him.

Jacksback · 30/12/2018 22:17

What is it that you want to do
You have had confirmed what you already suspected
Do you want Him to leave ? Do you see a way to discuss Nd work out ?
I feel for you ,

Waddsup12 · 30/12/2018 22:17

Now you know. Fix up a plan for parenting.

He's been a massively passive twit who went along with things. At least he loves the kids, better than some of the twats who just fuck off.

Be a class act. Boot him without drama.

HirplesWithHaggis · 30/12/2018 22:18

Ouch, that must hurt. Though htf he "accidentally" married you and had three kids... well, it's over now, I guess.

DeRigueurMortis · 30/12/2018 22:18

Tell him you posted his dilemma on MN and we said that his wife can do better than a man like him and he should leave...

Auntiepatricia · 30/12/2018 22:19

Well it’s time to break up. If he’s a good dad you do your best to let him continue to be a good dad for the sake of your kids but he’s been dishonest and used you so I’d probably hate him forever more for that. Contact a solicitor tomorrow and ask him to find somewhere else to stay from tomorrow too. Sorry you have to do this but maybe life will be better once you’re through the break up part of this. You do deserve more.

TwiceMagic · 30/12/2018 22:21

Oh you poor thing. That must have been terrible to read. I spent a decade with a man I knew (more or less explicitly) didn’t love me. It was terrible. But I never had to read it as plainly as that. I can’t imagine how awful that must be, especially with the difficulties you’ve been having with your DC3.

What do you think your options are?

What are you doing now?

Wintermam · 30/12/2018 22:23

I'm sorry if this upsets you but it seems like a blessing it disguise!
You deserve someone who loves and wasn't to be with you.
So sorry you have to go through this