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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I've been lied to for years

121 replies

KathyGlover · 30/12/2018 22:02

I don't know what to say. I opened husbands phone tonight because mine was dead and I was feeding the baby to sleep and bored.

Opened reddit but not being a user I didn't know any topics to search so I clicked through his supscription list. We have a shared hobby and he often reads bits out from reddit (I'm not a reddit user as mentioned) so I clicked on his username to see if there was a recent thread type thing. It showed his last 2 posted messages (just 2 messages ever) and the screenshot was one of them.

I don't know what to do. He knows I've seen it. I don't want to dripfeed so feel I should explain dc3 was born 16 weeks prematurely and spent 9 months in hospital. Things have been hard. But if I'm honest. I knew he never wanted me. Never loved me. Not properly anyway. I feel like I've lied to for the last 6 years but I knew. I knew.

Im so... So confused.

He's upstairs trying to convince the 3 year old to sleep. He knows I know. First reaction was 'shouldn't have been looking thorough my phone' followed by wet, half arsed justifications of 'we'd had a row'. No. I've spent the last 6 years riddled with insecurity because I knew but he always told me I being ridiculous. I wasnt.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Doobee · 30/12/2018 22:49

Wow what an awful thing to find :( if it was me, I’d be seeing a solicitor ASAP. I wouldn’t discuss this with him at all. Zero conversation or drama. I’d just quietly ask the solicitor to file divorce papers. I wouldn’t discuss a damn thing with him. No crying, begging, discussing, nothing. I’d be blank and polite and respond only to matter of fact questions about the kids. Total shut down. Let’s see how that fits his “apocalyptic” rubbish. He’s disgusting. Nobody accidentally gets married. What a prick.

Qcng · 30/12/2018 22:50

Why does it say 9 Months at the top?

Is there a chance the message is not his if it's 9 months ago?

HollowTalk · 30/12/2018 22:51

I think if you took control and ended it now, you'd feel better than if he dumped you. What would your world be like without him?

RoseOfSharyn · 30/12/2018 22:51

kirsty I wondered due to other comments\threads he's on.

mumofone25 · 30/12/2018 22:51

What a truely horrible and devastating message to find. He does not deserve your love. I’m sorry you are going through this.

AnoukSpirit · 30/12/2018 22:52

You deserve to be loved.

Very much this.

magoria · 30/12/2018 22:52

Accidentally got you pregnant 3 times.

Let's hope your DC inherit your intelligence not his as he hasn't worked out what caused it yet.

It will be hard to go it alone however how can you stay with him?

You deserve better.

Qcng · 30/12/2018 22:52

Regardless, if it's him, what a shock. You don't get married to and get a woman who you don't love pregnant 3 times unless you are a total fucktard.

Lovemusic33 · 30/12/2018 22:53

I’m sorry OP, this must be huge shock. I think the best thing to do is ask him to leave calmly, don’t cause a fuss or an argument, yes he’s a twat for leading you on for many years but he is the father of your dc’s and staying on reasonable terms will be the best thing for the dc’s. Don’t let him see how much you are hurting, if he doesn’t love you then he probably won’t give a toss about your feelings.

Wordthe · 30/12/2018 22:54

dont tip him off
monitor his online activity so as to stay a few steps ahead of him and take him to the cleaners

PipLongStockings · 30/12/2018 22:55

I think 9m means it posted back in April time? If so how were things at that time? How old was your youngest, was it whilst they were admitted on NICU?
I think if he had a wobble (albeit a pretty huge one) and then things have settled since, it's worth having a discussion about how you want to move forward.

magoria · 30/12/2018 22:55

You also know he is planning on leaving you at some stage.

Don't wait for it. That could be another year or two of living in shit.

As others have said. Go to a solicitor and start the ball rolling.

You will start to heal faster ripping the plaster off than slowing pulling it away for longer.

delboysskinandblister · 30/12/2018 22:56

For your kids sake you'll need to seek real life legal advice.

Keep this screen shot on a stick for your records and start a timeline. Whatever you decide.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Val87 · 30/12/2018 22:58

So sorry, OP.
You deserve better. I would also ask him to leave while you think about how you feel.

Bouledeneige · 30/12/2018 23:00

I feel so sorry for you OP - thats a really awful thing to read. It speaks volumes about your partner's weak character and lack of responsibility. He is not worthy of you at all.

I know it must be incredibly painful but find inside yourself cold steel hard anger. Tell him that he has to leave. Get some good legal advice and arm yourself. Let him be a good Dad but dont let him lie or slither his way out of it. You deserve so much better.

cushioncuddle · 30/12/2018 23:00

This is so cruel. You deserve for him to talk to you. He owes you that.
Be strong. You deserve so much more than he is capable of giving and being.

Corbynscat · 30/12/2018 23:02

You deserve to be loved for who you are.

You now know that you two aren’t right for each other sometimes it’s hard to see it in the cold light of day but you have now.

Walk away calmly he clearly loves his kids so can raise them as co parents rather than married.

Remember you deserve to be loved for who you are.

Strawbberrypineapple · 30/12/2018 23:04

The way I read it -So hes basically saying that he has stayed because hes worried that youll react by not letting him having access to the dcs? Well may as well cut yr losses OP and go yr seperate ways. He sounds a bit if a coward tbh OP. You deserve better. Be brave. Make a new life with yr dcs. Someday youll meet someone who truly loves you and youll know it. At this point you have yr dcs love and thats the most important.

pog100 · 30/12/2018 23:04

9 months is how long he has been a registered user of Reddit. Nothing to do with when the message was posted.

EmiliaFart · 30/12/2018 23:07

I've found the post on Reddit. It was posted 9 months ago.

Not that I'm sure that matters if this is an ongoing issue.

pog100 · 30/12/2018 23:07

Actually, no I'm wrong! Sorry

AlexDrake1981 · 30/12/2018 23:07

Kathy I'm so sorry that you've had your fears confirmed. Nobody deserves that. Maybe you could liberate him by packing his bags & changing the locks. Maybe that will ease the poor lamb's confusion about what he's to do. Sending a big fat hug x

TheNewYear · 30/12/2018 23:08

I would ask him to leave. Then I would gather together all the financial information etc that you need and speak to a solicitor with the full intention of divorcing.

EmiliaFart · 30/12/2018 23:09

OP, the bizarre detached way he talks about you, as if you're some random stranger he's been forced to breed with, says it all.

Get rid and start living a real life.

HollyLM · 30/12/2018 23:11

Leave....