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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I've been lied to for years

121 replies

KathyGlover · 30/12/2018 22:02

I don't know what to say. I opened husbands phone tonight because mine was dead and I was feeding the baby to sleep and bored.

Opened reddit but not being a user I didn't know any topics to search so I clicked through his supscription list. We have a shared hobby and he often reads bits out from reddit (I'm not a reddit user as mentioned) so I clicked on his username to see if there was a recent thread type thing. It showed his last 2 posted messages (just 2 messages ever) and the screenshot was one of them.

I don't know what to do. He knows I've seen it. I don't want to dripfeed so feel I should explain dc3 was born 16 weeks prematurely and spent 9 months in hospital. Things have been hard. But if I'm honest. I knew he never wanted me. Never loved me. Not properly anyway. I feel like I've lied to for the last 6 years but I knew. I knew.

Im so... So confused.

He's upstairs trying to convince the 3 year old to sleep. He knows I know. First reaction was 'shouldn't have been looking thorough my phone' followed by wet, half arsed justifications of 'we'd had a row'. No. I've spent the last 6 years riddled with insecurity because I knew but he always told me I being ridiculous. I wasnt.

What do I do?

OP posts:

Wintermam · 30/12/2018 22:24

Bless in disguise*
Someone who wants to be with you**

I hate autocorrect 😡

anonanonanonanonanonanon · 30/12/2018 22:26

You deserve better! This was meant to happen to you for a good reason which you will one day discover. Get him out and make yourself feel great without him

RoseOfSharyn · 30/12/2018 22:28

Set up a Reddit account, reply to his post and tell him to get the fuck out! 😂

In fact, if you want me to, I'll send it from mine!

What a cock.

Sorry OP.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2018 22:28

How do you accidentally get married and have three kids. Does this man have any idea of personal responsibility? Was he drunk in Vegas when he married? Did you drug him and force him into sex?

I mean seriously WTAF is wrong with him. It would be one thing to write "I made a mistake and don't love her" it's a whole other thing to say it was an accident.

Can you kick the immature piece of shit out?

RoseOfSharyn · 30/12/2018 22:29

Apologies for the 😂, that was supposed to be 😠

ilostitoverthiz · 30/12/2018 22:30

accidently had another baby then accidently got married and had another? None of it was by accident. His actions were his choice. May be he is trying to rewrite history in his head.
You deserve to be loved.

Branleuse · 30/12/2018 22:30

Don't beg him for anything. Walk out with your head high. He's the lying fuck not you.

Youcancallmeval · 30/12/2018 22:31

Oh bless you, what an awful thing to have to read. I know that feeling of having your world be pulled out from under you and it's awful. You will be fine in the long run, but that is not tonight and I really feel for you.

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 30/12/2018 22:32

He's a scumbag Op. Set yourself free.

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 30/12/2018 22:34

What responses did he get?

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2018 22:34

Actually on rereading I think what he is saying is the first two pregnancies were unplanned, then they got married and had a third, but he doesn't love the op.

It is indeed distressing to read and could be down to the hardships of a child in hospital, three kids etc.

I think the fact he's denying he feels that way op says something, he may have felt that way at that moment in time. Sometimes if we have an argument or something we can feel like it's the end, but when the fog clears we realise we don't feel that at all.

Talk to him. Listen to what he has to say.

LuluJakey1 · 30/12/2018 22:34

What a horrible thing to read. He comes across very badly. It's all about him, nothing about how it might affect you or the children, no sense of his responsibility. I would show him the door and take him for everything I could get. It can't be unseen or unsaid now- it's out there and he's shown you who he is. Bastard.

Pinkyyy · 30/12/2018 22:35

Oh dear, what an awful way for things to go. It's better that you've seen this OP and you can both move on and be happy, hard as it may seem

RoseOfSharyn · 30/12/2018 22:36

Aardvark thankfully people were about the 'accidental pregnancies' and have a lot of helpful advice about getting his marriage back on track. (I'm an avid Reddit-er, it was easy to find the thread)

honestlynotagain · 30/12/2018 22:38

He sounds like a twat.

babba2014 · 30/12/2018 22:39

Why did he drag you along for this long if they are his actual feelings and now all of a sudden they need to come out on Reddit? Is it because he's a man who does love his kids dearly but held out just in case things improve? I've seen relationships like this work out for the kids (I know people say kids only see the bad but I have seen the opposite) but it makes it miserable for at least one of the two. It's actually sad that he posts online rather than talks to you. This is technology for you. What does he exactly want in a partner that he can't get from you? He needs to talk clearly with you and not the internet. It can be hurtful for you OP of course it will be but nowadays when one feels down it's easy to type on the internet and regret it instantly. He's typing in the wrong place though. Yes it can be that two people get together and it doesn't improve but he really shouldn't have had another two kids if he always felt like that. Now there's three kids who will be affected and not one. Do you like him?

Littlechocola · 30/12/2018 22:40

I suppose you now know how he feels which is a bonus.

You can help him by leaving and fulfilling your role of going ‘apocalyptic’. What an absolute arse he is op.

Weightsandmeasures · 30/12/2018 22:44

He is staying with you out of fear. Now you know, let him go. Don't give him the satisfaction of saying "see, I was justified, look how she is going ballistic..."

lucky88 · 30/12/2018 22:44

This is so sad & OP I'm so sorry you found out his true feeling this way. That's terrible and heartbreaking. But, they are his feelings aren't they.
Your marriage is over. Get all the details and logistics sorted out amicably if you can. Find a way to co-parent - he'd clearly do anything for his children. But it is over between you.
Ask him to leave immediately while you profess your emotions and figure out how to proceed with the separation.

(I imagine this is probably quite a relief for him that it's finally out there)

RoseOfSharyn · 30/12/2018 22:44

OP is he a drug user?

LuluJakey1 · 30/12/2018 22:44

And he doesn't even think to mention how ill your baby has been. It's just 'Give me a way out'.

LonelyGir1 · 30/12/2018 22:45

Sounds like it knocked you sideways. I'm sorry you're going through this right now :'(

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 22:47

OP is he a drug user?

Eh?

tictoc76 · 30/12/2018 22:47

I think you need to ask him to leave and make his decision, so either all in or all out. I do tend to think as someone posted above he may have felt like that at that point in time when your baby was in hospital and it might not reflect how he normally feels about you. That’s not an excuse though and he needs to go until he is willing to fight for your marriage.

So sorry you have to go through this.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 30/12/2018 22:48

I'm sorry, OP.

I think you have to decide what you want and deserve ... and then go from there.

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