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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I've been lied to for years

121 replies

KathyGlover · 30/12/2018 22:02

I don't know what to say. I opened husbands phone tonight because mine was dead and I was feeding the baby to sleep and bored.

Opened reddit but not being a user I didn't know any topics to search so I clicked through his supscription list. We have a shared hobby and he often reads bits out from reddit (I'm not a reddit user as mentioned) so I clicked on his username to see if there was a recent thread type thing. It showed his last 2 posted messages (just 2 messages ever) and the screenshot was one of them.

I don't know what to do. He knows I've seen it. I don't want to dripfeed so feel I should explain dc3 was born 16 weeks prematurely and spent 9 months in hospital. Things have been hard. But if I'm honest. I knew he never wanted me. Never loved me. Not properly anyway. I feel like I've lied to for the last 6 years but I knew. I knew.

Im so... So confused.

He's upstairs trying to convince the 3 year old to sleep. He knows I know. First reaction was 'shouldn't have been looking thorough my phone' followed by wet, half arsed justifications of 'we'd had a row'. No. I've spent the last 6 years riddled with insecurity because I knew but he always told me I being ridiculous. I wasnt.

What do I do?

OP posts:
lilmishap · 30/12/2018 23:15

It could have been a shitty moment in time as he hasn't commented again on that thread and ends with 'when or IF I do'.

You have every right to ask him is this how he really feels...Add that you haven't got the inclination to make his life hell indefinitely as you've just discovered your marriage maybe a sham and if it is fixing the mess and keeping things steady for the kids will take up all your time.

Then go post apocalyptic on his sorry arse for the years he stole from you. (or leave that for a later date )

subspace · 30/12/2018 23:16

Can anybody look him up and see if he's posted anything else relevant on reddit?

EmiliaFart · 30/12/2018 23:17

subspace - he hasn't. He didn't even come back to the thread.

lilmishap · 30/12/2018 23:18

He hasn't. The other posts are about games and a 'remind me' on r/drugs.

Jux · 30/12/2018 23:19

Oh you poor thing Flowers I'm so sorry.

I agree with HollowTalk, you will feel better if you take control and end it than if you let him do it.

You can do this, and you will be OK.

Original poster
KathyGlover · 30/12/2018 23:20

It was posted 9 months ago. There's no other relevant posts. Baby had been home (with oxygen and stoma and various other medical needs) for around 8 months.

We've talked. Initially. I think our marriage is definitely over.

I think I'm most bewildered and offended by the insinuation that I would stop contact with the children and act like a crazy person. From someone so spineless, how fucking dare he paint me with the sane arsehole brush quite frankly. I would never, ever do anything like that to our children.

OP posts:
Original poster
KathyGlover · 30/12/2018 23:21

*same

OP posts:
miranda1511 · 30/12/2018 23:21

Personally I'd tell him that you won't stop him seeing his children but you expect him to do his share in terms of childcare and maintenance for the children he accidentally had. Ask him to pack a bag and leave. It will be tough but you deserve more x

SunnyJune · 30/12/2018 23:22

Oh my word, sending my best wishes your way. You can get through this and better days await you on the other side of it all. Xx

Jaffacakebeast · 30/12/2018 23:22

Onwards and upwards! Bet 2019 will be the best year for you in a long time.

Bubonicpanic · 30/12/2018 23:24

Yes, just sympathy. Move on. Life without an arsehole is ...real life.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/12/2018 23:26

It sounds from your post that you've had doubts about his feeling for you for quite some time. Well, those doubts have been confirmed in a hurtful, terrible way. But at least now you know the truth. And you deserve someone who will love you truly and be an honest and loving partner.

Keep your dignity, you will be glad you did. Do not scream, do not beg, do not cry, ask no questions.

Pack him a bag and calmly ask him to leave, because you need space right now to think.

Review your financial position. Check and see what benefits, what child maintenance you are entitled to.

Get legal advice. Make an appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible.

TELL. Call a trusted friend or relative and tell them what's happened. You need RL support, too.

Aimarge · 30/12/2018 23:26

Flowers You deserve to be loved. He's a spineless arsehole

EYDavis · 30/12/2018 23:32

You need to have an open and honest conversation with him without the children around. He might or might not actually feel this way now but clearly you need to know. Then you can decide what comes next.

crimsonlake · 30/12/2018 23:34

Omg I bet you were sick to the stomach reading that. However reading between the lines you also suspected it in some way. Yes, perhaps it is a blessing in disguise as I would not want to live with someone who really felt that way about me, you deserve to be loved properly. I hope you have lots of support in the weeks and months ahead.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/12/2018 23:37

If it were me I'd be off to a cosy little flat. He could do the grunt work with the kids he loves so much and I'd be the Disney mum, giving them a lovely time every weekend and having them adore me.

Handprints2018 · 30/12/2018 23:40

He does a lot of things by accident doesnt he? Looks like being an arsehole isn't one of them.

Nice guy. Not.

Wordthe · 30/12/2018 23:41

Disney mum 😊
that sounds pretty good doesn't it 😁

ThatPeskyElf · 30/12/2018 23:52

What an arse.

Hold your head high while you cut up some of his things.

Don’t forget to tell his mum and your mutual friends, maybe send them the screenshot-they should see what a shit he has been.

Get a fabulous lipstick and an even more fabulous solicitor.
Do you have a joint bank account??

You will be fine, your kids will be fine... big hugs xxx

Stefoscope · 30/12/2018 23:54

'I think I'm most bewildered and offended by the insinuation that I would stop contact with the children and act like a crazy person. From someone so spineless, how fucking dare he paint me with the sane arsehole brush quite frankly. I would never, ever do anything like that to our children.' Indeed, he has a high opinion of himself doesn't he? Thinking you wouldn't be able to cope without him to the extent you would stop him from seeing the children as revenge! Reflects more on his fucked up thought processes than the reality of the situation;

Nothing in any of your posts here makes you sound remotely like that. You sound like a really caring mother and I'm sure given time you'll make a fantastic life for yourself and your kids away from this asshole.

Namenic · 31/12/2018 00:11

Would either of you be willing to try marriage counselling? I know it might not change the end decision, but maybe you owe it to the kids and yourselves At least try? Maybe it can help in understanding each other and if you do part then maybe on more amicable terms? Very upsetting though - I’m sorry. You seem not at all like the ‘crazy’ person he had in mind (maybe there a level of misunderstanding on his part).

OldWomanSaysThis · 31/12/2018 01:01

That is so sad. I am so sorry. I agree with the above poster about how detached he is from the "lady" he accidentally got pregnant and then went on to have two more babies and even married. My reality would be shaken to the core.

UnicornSlaughters · 31/12/2018 01:09

I'm so sorry OP. What a spineless dickhead

Stormy76 · 31/12/2018 01:29

How do you accidentally knock someone up 3 times and marry them as well.....he is spineless, it's good that he is a good dad but he didn't need to drag you along for years lying to you. He wanted you to be the bad guy I suppose, thankfully you are not going to fulfil his 'apocalyptic' spurned wife role, be a bit of a bash to his ego that you are not surprised. Often very immature men will think the grass is greener and when they finally get out of the marriage/relationship......they realise what they had.

You will move on and be fine, he will probably go find another woman to 'accidentally' have a relationship with.

Claudia1980 · 31/12/2018 01:35

What a pri**ck. “Got this lady pregnant” “accidentally had a kid, then another kid”. I am floored at his lack of respect. He is a prize arsehole. Dump him
Quick smart