Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

999 replies

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 19:50

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

OP posts:
deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 18:55

Twisted why would DH not dispute paternity?

TwistedStitch · 01/01/2019 18:55

Of course he can ask for legal recognition as the father. That is irrelevant to maintenance. He can do so whether he is paying or not. And he can be forced to pay maintenance whether he is on the BC or not. Separate issues.

MariaNovella · 01/01/2019 18:55

The courts won’t allow the OW to claim maintenance and then refuse the DH access to his DC.

TwistedStitch · 01/01/2019 18:56

OP said he acknowledges paternity. Obviously if he changes this then a DNA test would be arranged (which I think would be sensible anyway).

TwistedStitch · 01/01/2019 18:58

She can claim maintenance if he's the father without going to court. If he takes it to court access will be looked at from the best interests of the child and he'll likely get it along with PR. Maintenance is irrelevant.

MariaNovella · 01/01/2019 18:59

The DH acknowledges paternity verbally but he currently has no way of asserting parental rights and responsibilities.

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 18:59

No Twisted, not separate issues. CPS need the DNA test, if father is not on the birth certificate. Once paternity is established, it is pretty much as if the father were on the BC.

MariaNovella · 01/01/2019 19:01

I agree he will get PRif he goes to court but access may be very limited. Courts do not hand over babies born to OW to their father and his wife for visits very easily! The reasons are pretty obvious - the baby is unlikely to be very warmly welcomed by the father’s wife.

TwistedStitch · 01/01/2019 19:03

Yes but the point I was making is that whatever access he does or doesn't get is unrelated to whether or not he's paying any maintenance.

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 19:03

If OW goes down the ‚I hold all the cards‘ route DH will hardly fork over money without a DNA test. Because that‘s precisely the card OW does not hold.

MariaNovella · 01/01/2019 19:06

TwistedStitch - that’s a different point, and a point of law. The issue under discussion is the negotiation position of all three adults here. The OP is pretty confused about this. She has no say over the OW. She may, however, be able to sway her DH.

Dallasty · 01/01/2019 19:10

Going forward, you are now in a marriage that is forever tainted and you are settling for second best. Whether you leave or not, your mental health will suffer greatly. You are literally damned if you do, and if you don't. Good luck OP.

user1481840227 · 01/01/2019 19:14

Sleeping together after an emotional affair is not really a one night stand!
Anyway back to the issue at hand I don't think either suggestion should work, spending all visitation with the mother, eh no nobody does that? or having third parties handing over or contact centres...well I personally think that could be very bad for the child in the long term and make them feel terrible about themselves.

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 01/01/2019 19:20

It’s ridiculous and manipulative to expect him to ONLY visit baby alone at her home - with her!

Your DP is not more obligated to this love child than he is your own children so if OW stands in the way of encorporating the child into your family then SHE is the one failing the child’s relationship with its father not your DP!

Obviously if the baby is very little I understand that more but OW has to appreciate that spending alone 1-1 time with your DP is totally unreasonable!

TwistedStitch · 01/01/2019 19:29

If OW goes down the ‚I hold all the cards‘ route DH will hardly fork over money without a DNA test.

OP said earlier in the thread that he isn't disputing paternity and will be providing financial support. I think that's daft without a DNA test personally but he's obviously very sure he's the father for whatever reason.

MammonRouge · 01/01/2019 19:36

Poor kids Sad

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 19:39

Twisted it does not matter whether he is sure he is the father. DH didn’t dispute paternity at a point when he thought OW would handle things rather amicably, for the best of the child. As it now dawns on him that OW insists on unacceptable terms (the setup would allow OW to invent stuff that blows up DH‘s marriage, something she has clearly aimed for, before, when talking with OP), which means he cannot see the baby, why would he maintain he is the father? He is not on the BC, after all. It would be silly of him to give up the leverage he has for nothing.

This is not a difficult concept.

Lofari · 01/01/2019 19:42

I think I would walk away OP. She is now always going to have that carrot to dangle in front of him, and if she really is vindictive she will love the chaos it's causing you.
This is not a child you need to have anything to do with and I think pushing that issue is asking for more hurt for yourself.
He made his bed. Let him lie in it. You prioritise yourself and your DC

TwistedStitch · 01/01/2019 19:46

Because the OW is already acting in this manner and yet OP has said on this thread that he still intends to pay. Yes he may change his mind and refuse of course and I understand the point you are making. I'm going on what the OP has said her husband's plans are. Yes he may be potentially giving up some leverage but he doesn't exactly sound like somebody who has good judgement.

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 19:59

OP said they hardly talk about this, so who knows what his current plans are. Given that the money goes from the family fund, OP can also reasonably demand from DH that paternity is established or he needs to be put on BC, so everything is orderly. I have never heard of a man who has no contact with his child, nor any document acknowledging he is the dad and just pays maintainance. It must be very rare, to say the least. I very much doubt DH will go down this road, considering he must justify this outflow of resources to a wife and two children.

TwistedStitch · 01/01/2019 20:00

Yes possibly. I was just going by the OP's own words about her husband.

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 20:04

Yeah, but OP‘s words at the same time also implied the family was expecting contact with the baby.

dontdoubtyourself · 01/01/2019 20:11

Far too many people saying anger being directed in the wrong way. Did ow give a shit about ops newborn when she shagged her husband? Why does she have the get out clause of he probably lied to her? Did she care about taking their father away? Like fuck. Funnily enough anger can be directed in all directions! At him and her! fancy that.
Op, Focus on you and your babies. My heart goes to you. Just take it day by day, and before you know it months will pass and you will start to feel like you again whatever path you take.

So many people demanding you leave when they don't have to live it or the pain. you live it. Do whatever gets you through the day.

I have a sibling concieved the same way, the wife gave an ultimatum and they are still together 20 years later. It's my mothers fault but yes i think he is scum.

category12 · 01/01/2019 20:18

So many people demanding you leave when they don't have to live it or the pain. you live it

Some of us have been through similar pain and speak from experience and what we wish we'd done differently. It's not uncommon for blokes to cheat when you're pregnant or have a newborn.

ZigZagZebras · 01/01/2019 20:25

Compromise. First 6 months he visits baby but siblings also meet baby. After 6 months if she's not allowing a couple of hours at a time take it to court and by the time the case is seen baby will be old enough to go 4 hours or so without breastfeeding.
You would be very unreasonable to expect her to hand a newborn over for contact away from her though.