DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

@Issy777

Bully for you. I didn't allow it. Same situation as you; split before the birth. I always planned to exclusively breastfeed and expressing was really difficult. I absolutely refused to use formula and the dad had his visits at my home.

If a court had tried to force me to express or switch to formula, i'd have just dragged the process out for months and months.

We are talking about against the mother's wishes at 2 weeks old Issy and disputing that the court would order it, especially when the mother has offered contact at her home. In your circumstances it may have been best for your baby to be away from you at 3 days old but that doesn't make it usual, or optimum for the baby in most cases.

@Issy777 sounds like that was the best choice for you- not for a different newborn baby. Babies instinctively NEED their mums, so shouldn't be away from them unless there is more of a need to be away, such as in your case mental health issues. A cheating dad who can't be trusted by his wife is not good enough reason to take a baby.

Sorry three days old* that should have been

Issy- in your situation, you asked Dad to have overnight access so it's totally different.

Legally a judge would prioritize what's best for baby and it would be contact with Dad but with easy access to mum for comfort (and possibly breast milk so he can be fed on demand)

Dads need to bond with babies just as mothers should. Why is there so much sexism

Nothing to do with sexism! EBF babies cannot be fed by the dads. How is this so difficult for some to grasp? Not all women can express effectively and ebf babies are almost always fed on demand. So to placate the man’s wishes, you really think a baby should be taken from it’s food source? I’m not sure if this shows utter lack of understanding about how often newborns and babies feed or deliberate goadiness. Some ebf babies up to 6 months don’t ever take to a bottle!

And actually Dads don't need to bond as much as Mums in the first few weeks- that's biology not sexism. This man hasn't even bothered to meet his child yet, I doubt his urge to bond can be that strong that it is worth upsetting a new mother and her baby.

In the first few weeks it should be about the needs of the baby, rather than the needs of the dad. Baby knows mum by smell, by the sound of her voice, by instinct. So in a completely unknown world, mum is the only comfort, the only familiarity. So even without EBF, new babies generally need their mums more than their dads.

A dads bond grows and of course it's important to foster but it isn't priority to the baby.

I see where everyone is coming from but my point was dads need to bond with their babies too. In this situation because dad doesn't wanna be around ow, he would not have the opportunity or "freedom" to properly bond with his baby if she was present.
I'm just talking from experience - me n first born's dad could literally not be in the same room it was that bad / even during labour he was present but we did not speak and there was a third person there at all times. It was just a relief that he wanted her more than anything hence why he took her at three days old for 2-3 nights weekly. He would not have bonded with her if I was there or he was in my parents house (actually he couldn't come anywhere near my parents house as he would have been dead...)

So it was just best for dd to go there, his mum stayed with him for awhile and he was the most doting dad.

If the husband is willing and wanting, I'm sure there could be some arrangement for him to take baby for a few hours even? And gradually build it up ??

If I were to speak to my GP about my postnatal anxiety and go onto some short term medication to try and regain some equilibrium would that make any of this anymore bearable?

To be frank I'm sick of feeling so shit. My MH has taken a battering from dealing with the fallout of this drama whilst postnatal with my youngest and I don't feel like me anymore

I have bad days where I just sit and worry, feeling so depersonalized and on edge I barely want to do anything for myself aside doing what I need to for the DC.

I've had anxiety attacks where I've thought I were having a stroke. Ive had tearful days where all I want to do is stay in bed and not face the world.

DH has been the one to calm me down and pick me up on my bad days, looking after the DC so they don't have to see mum in an anxious teary mess. What happens if I leave him and have more bad days than good? I don't have anybody who can provide the hands on support that he gives. I don't want to crumble with no support and fail my children.

I was fine before all of this, I was an upbeat outgoing person and now I'm an emotional wreck. The first year of our little boys life has been marred with misery and I'll never get that time back.

I hate DH for that.

Is ow breastfeeding baby ? I didn't see this being mentioned so forgive me if it has.

Speaking from my own children they settled on me because I was their main carer, their safe place and comfort. It be cruel to take a very tiny baby away from their comfort and if breast fed their food source.

Of course there are cases where that might not be possible for varying reasons but it is about what is best for baby and in this case there appear to be no issues other than OP not wanting her DH to see the mother of his baby.

@Issy777 The dad bonding with the baby does not trump the NEED for a newborn baby to be with its mum, and for the mum to be near her newborn. Parents not speaking to each other when there's babies/children involved is just so childish and selfish.

If the husband is willing and wanting, I'm sure there could be some arrangement for him to take baby for a few hours even

And the baby goes hungry? Gets dehydrated?

OP I think you need to speak to someone independent alone. Someone you can talk it all through with.

OP talking to your GP sounds like a good idea. I had terrible post natal anxiety with my last DC and that was without all of the other stuff you are having to deal with on top. Medication really helped me at the time.

@Lovelytea Your GP will definitely be able to help you, whether that's medication or counselling or other support services they could suggest. You need to be honest about how you feel and not hold it all back as that will take its toll on your and your mental health. Your dh is a bastard for doing this to you and your dc, and I am so so sorry that you are going through this. I know you feel like you need to stay strong and plod along for the sake of your own family but please try to put yourself and your health first too. It would be best for the baby for you dh to see him at his home with baby's mum, and if that isn't something you can cope with don't put yourself through it because you are scared of what life would be like without dh. If it came to leaving him, you would cope.

Hey op,

I really feel for you, sounds like you're really trying to do what's best for the baby whilst protecting yourself from more hurt and distress and I really admire you for that. I do get a sense that you're pride is hanging onto dh because it would hurt a shit ton more knowing he would run straight into that bitches arms and I totally understand that, I really do... you've almost been forced to suffer pain no matter which path you choose but I do agree with a couple of posters way up thread who said more pain for you in the interim (letting him go) would mean you have a life to live in the future that's free from this worry and stress and that you shouldn't put your pride before your health.

It's a really horrible situation you've been thrust into and you're still trying to do the best by everyone else...

I think for most of the people here looking in from the outside, you are NOWAY a loser, not by any stretch of the word and to ditch him would show massive strength and almost be a finger to the both of them... I know you will feel like you've lost if you do that but actually that's how you win because you and your DC are worth more xx

@PinkAvocado

Again I haven't seen any mention of ow breastfeeding baby
I breastfed my first dd for two days and couldn't make it past that because of how dangerous /bad the situation was. There are many mothers out there who didn't attempt to even breastfeed at all - I can think of about 5 I know personally.

So I understand if she is EBF but if not then I really don't see the problem.

I respect your decision to try and stay, OP. I think I'd do the same if I were in your shoes. With marriage, I'm very much of the mend-it-don't-end-it ilk. T
However, the risk you run is that he leaves you for her anyway.

I agree with PP, try not to give it so much headspace- he can sort it all out with OW. I do think he should get a paternity test done before parting with funds though. He may also wish to use the result to get his name on that birth certificate.

You sound like a lovely person and I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's utterly sh1t.

And I do know that all pregnancy are from one encounter, but I just think the likelihood of one go at precisely the right time of the ovulation is unlikely in an affair situation

For someone with a normal cycle, the likelihood is between around 7-1 and 4-1, which is really pretty short odds.

You cannot dictate it even have a say on how your your dhs relationship will evolve with his child. The mother of the child will negotiate the terms of contact with her child’s father. They have a relationship now that is seperate from you.
I’m so sorry for you op. But the truth is, this is forever now. I really think you need to explore other ave use of support separate from your dh.

TBH I think some of this discussion is moot.

My guess is that once the OW realises you husband is not coming back to her she will cut up rough and prevent (or at least severely restrict) access to the baby. If you husband is as weak-willed as you say he is then he will most likely acquiesce to this and not fight for contact and she (and the baby) will be out of your lives.

I've seen similar happen in my own extended family, where a woman scorned has made access difficult and the father has not fought it.

The only issue will be whether you will want to stay with a man capable of that.

I have no sympathy for the OW. She had sex with a married man. Boo hoo if she had to have the baby on her own. It's called consequences.

She and your DH have created a situation where her child hasn't seen his father yet.

It's a shameful way to come into the world, but they created it for the baby, not you.

The existence of the child is irrefutable proof of his adultery. It's horrible to be the child with that label.

Imagine being that child and your existence is the cause of such conflict.

Incredibly irresponsible of the both of them.

Leave the contact issue for now.

The only thing that allows me to believe he hasn't, to an extent, is the fact I'd absolutely go out of my way to catch him out
How could you 'catch him out' seeing his other child if you agree with him seeing his other child? you are not in charge of his schedule, he's an adult and he lies.

I'd never know unless he told me or she wanted to drop him in it.
True.
Why put yourself through this? You do not trust him, you haven't said you love him (or even care about him).
It sounds like you've already decided to leave but jealousy about OW stepping in is whats stopping you.
You will regret the time you wasted torturing yourself like this when you've left and the hurt is less raw