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Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

816 replies

ChangerOfNameAspieThread · 29/12/2018 14:44

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

OP posts:
stardustandroses · 18/01/2019 12:04

Are you going again? Could you call him out on it and ask why he is behaving like that?

Amicrazyornot · 18/01/2019 13:09

We are waiting to hear if the same counsellor can see us - hopefully sooner and before the very long waiting list.
I want to call him out but I think part of me is still a bit scared / not brave enough to do so. Pathetic, I know.

Moffa · 18/01/2019 14:07

I’m really interested in hearing about anyone who has tried counselling. I think I really need to talk to someone professional about what my life has really been like for the last few years. I have kept quite detailed notes on my phone under the heading ‘Cat Injections due 18/5/19’ or similar in case he got hold of my phone for something. I am planning to leave but I feel a bit fucked up like it’s all in my head and yet when I read my notes I know even I wonder why I’m still here? I feel like I’d like to talk to someone ‘external’ and lay it all bare in a way I can’t quite do with my mum or best friends. I guess I think it would also help with the grief and guilt I will feel that my marriage is over and working my way through that.

@Midcenturylegs and anyone else who has left, has counselling helped?

Right now I feel like I’m emotionally detaching which may help me longer term (e.g last night he wouldn’t speak to me, mumbled answers etc but I just ignored it all). Confused

midcenturylegs · 18/01/2019 17:26

@Moffa.

Sorry, for the delay in responding, I needed to wait until I could respond properly on my laptop and not my phone.
I really do think you need to talk to someone professionally - it would be a great idea. My counsellor didn't sway me one way or another, in fact on occasion she commented on how my ex handled some things that were going on in my life (external to him) quite well. But through the process of her getting me to talk through things, and slowly challenging me to change things in my life, it made me feel better about myself and more confident, so that I was able to feel that I could stand on my own two feet.
A Saffie friend (and I'm meaning that in my experience South Africans are very direct, not a negative, just a statement) said to me once, in talking about relationships - "you get what you deserve". I thought that so horrible and harsh at the time that I didn't speak to her for ages.

But she knew me well, and for me, she was right.
I might not be helping!!!

The problem with counselling is finding a good one.

I don't know where you live, but if you wanted to DM me I could point you to a website where it lists a very well-trained list of counsellors.

midcenturylegs · 18/01/2019 17:27

@moffa - don't let anyone make you emotionally detach xx

ChangerOfNameAspieThread · 18/01/2019 18:50

@Amicrazyornot I started a reply but not finished and phone battery about to die..I'll be back later!

OP posts:
SalitaeDiscesa · 18/01/2019 19:10

We're still going to Relate. We both want to continue the relationship, though. My DH, who's definitely got ASD, was as you describe in the first session, @Amicrazyornot: barely articulate. His body language was that of someone warding off a physical attack. It was a huge step for him.

It's improved but still difficult for him to talk about feelings. We've both had individual sessions with the counsellor as well as joint. She's set structured homework tasks, which have helped us talk through some problems ourselves.

She's not an ASD specialist but a couples counsellor who's done her homework and is pretty clued up. I'm a senior MH professional and I'm impressed.

ChangerOfNameAspieThread · 18/01/2019 21:49

@Amicrazyornot I've done counselling with DH. I'd be very careful unless the counsellor is acutely aware of how Aspergers manifests in intimate relationships, as Salitae's seems to be. If not the process can be very damaging to you.

The therapist views you both equally. This is as it should be. However, if they're not acutely aware of how Aspergers impacts things, the questions they ask the Aspergers partner and how they view the interactions between you both will essentially serve to reinforce the problem you face.

An example: in therapy DH talked earnestly about how I'm his top priority, about how much he loves me, about how hard he's trying to make our relationship work. Very clear that he wants a physically intimate relationship with me, about how hard he's trying to achieve that.

Then the therapist would ask how I feel about any of that (I'm squashing this into a couple of paragraphs, the actual conversation was more protracted!). I would say that I have no idea that he wants anything physical, because he never touches me, I've never seen any signs he's working on our relationship and I don't understand how I can be his top priority, when he rarely notices I'm there.

DH would respond along the lines of "See, nothing I do is ever good enough for her." and "Look at how she's always negative."

We would get exercises to do before the next session, which was often 3 weeks apart because DH refused to meet more frequently. Part of the homework would be specifically that DH initiate them. DH would do NOTHING the entire 2.75 weeks, then just before we went back, sometimes the night before, would initiate them. Then we get back in the session. Therapist asks one of us (didn't matter which) how it went. DH: (soundings very positive) great, I did the exercises, it went well, it was good. Me: he did nothing until last night/night before last. DH: That's not true. See how negative she is.

DH genuinely believed what he said. I guess that, for the exercises, he was stressed about them, so in his head he was doing them the whole three weeks, but in reality, it would be once. Every single time.

In short, in order to investigate why he felt what he felt, why he only did the exercises once, the the sessions spent a lot for time focussing on him and how he felt. That really just perpetuated, albeit in a microcosm, the energy that was spent in the relationship by me on trying to get some understanding about the situation.

Eventually, after a long time, Aspergers came up. The therapist helped him understand it was very, very likely he has it. He looked into it and found a lot of his life explained about it (which was heartbreaking for me to watch), so it was useful for that.

Interestingly, after two years of not seeing the therapist, I went back on my own to discuss something else with him. In that session he asked something about the two of us going to another therapist. I told him I'd never do it again with DH. And he commented, "No, you never want to go through that cycle again.".

So I'd say go to someone who knows about Aspergers in intimate relationships, or at least has an awareness of it (or is willing to learn), and be clear about what you want out of it before you start.

OP posts:
Moffa · 18/01/2019 22:04

Thank you @changerofname that is all good for thought & exactly how my H would behave. He would say all the right things like he loves me to death even though he hasn’t touched me non sexually for.....well I can’t even remember the last time he just hugged me. If I didn’t have kids I’d be unhugged all the time.
I’m so sad. I’ve booked a GP appointment as I want to see if I can have a referral for counselling. Right now I can’t afford to drop £40-£60 per counselling session as I’m trying to (slowly) get a bit of savings behind me so I could rent somewhere, although my parents have said we can stay with them.
I want counselling on my own, I need someone to talk to.

ChangerOfNameAspieThread · 18/01/2019 22:32

@Moffa If the GP doesn't give you a referral, which hopefully they will - and there won't be a crazy waiting time - I can say that individual counselling has been invaluable for me. It took me a lot of time to start to believe that I had a right to think differently to him etc and that came only through the therapy.

Maybe worth keeping in mind that you don't necessarily need to go every week. Maybe in the beginning to get started, but once every two weeks is also pretty good. It depends if the counsellor does that, but many do. It's a way to reduce the costs a bit, but still get at least some of the support you need.

If you get on ok with your parents, then for a limited time that may be a good option?

OP posts:
Seline · 18/01/2019 23:27

Almost certain aspie here. I hope you don't mind me asking, but something I never get about NTs who marry aspies and have problems with it...why did you date and then marry your aspie?

I only ask because there are very few neutotypicals I would enter into a relationship with, as I just don't see it working for me or them.

Just curious. By all means feel free to ignore this if it's too personal.

ThisWayDown · 19/01/2019 00:12

@Seline I can only answer for myself, obviously, but:

  1. I didn’t know that my DH was in all likelihood on the spectrum when I met him 22 years ago and married him not long after. A lot less was known about the ASD spectrum then, especially with regard to people who can “pass” as NT. My DH has strong ASD traits but is very high-functioning and is usually an affectionate person - never any problem saying “I love you” for example. But he does, by his own omission, really struggle with empathy and for a long time I put this down to us having communication issues/ him being wilfully obtuse, and/or uncaring.
  1. As I’ve said on this thread before, I’m not an NT (but I don’t have Aspergers or ASD). Which is something neither DH or I knew when we married either. So in my case it was a case of two non-NTs being drawn together.
Seline · 19/01/2019 00:23

ThisWay

That's very similar to myself and DH. He isn't NT either but isn't ASD. I have ADHD and we're very certain I have Aspergers too.

I also pass for NT until people know me well. Mainly because I only socialise in very small chunks.

For us it mainly causes us problems with other people. My in laws are all very outgoing and sociable and can't understand why I don't want people just dropping in or why I don't want to go to an event, and sometimes try to "encourage" me to socialise which usually ends in me and DH having a row as he can't see why I can't just tolerate it occasionally but for me it's the principle that someone who I have explicitly explained my boundaries to decided that my boundaries didn't matter and instead disrespected my feelings.

Other than that we rarely argue unless very sleep deprived lol.

ThisWayDown · 19/01/2019 00:41

Interesting Seline, especially what you say about socialising. Thinking about it, DH and I are pretty evenly matched when it comes to how social we are and whether that's one-to-one with friends or in groups.

I wish I could say we rarely argue though, although when we do tiredness is usually the main culprit.

PinaColada1 · 19/01/2019 00:50

I agree re counseling. We did two ‘block sessions’. First one DP convinced her I was the one holding on to a bad relationship. Then he changed mid way, said he wanted to commit. Then he changed again. Therapist saw this and could then help.

Second time, therapist had forgotten I think. DP totally laid into me, it was awful. He misjudged the pain he can cause. Therapist thought he was speaking the truth, that he’d been under my thumb etc. I was so upset I walked out and I feel we are broken.

A year later and DP has forgotten, but I can’t. Ironically I think we could have made it work, we were often happy. However DP has no framework of loyalty and terrible boundaries. It’s ruined us.

PinaColada1 · 19/01/2019 00:55

In short, in order to investigate why he felt what he felt, why he only did the exercises once, the the sessions spent a lot for time focussing on him and how he felt. That really just perpetuated, albeit in a microcosm, the energy that was spent in the relationship by me on trying to get some understanding about the situation.

That really is like my counseling with DP. Around and around helping DP understand. Him getting angry and blaming me for his weaknesses. I wasn’t able to bring up any of my own issues at all! Not one single one.

Amicrazyornot · 19/01/2019 08:00

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate each one.

I would agree that I do need individual counselling, if anything to try and rebuild some semblance of myself again and restablish boundaries.

I would like to continue the couples counselling to help him come to some sort of acceptance - I do care about him still, there is just no love there. I feel currently that he is unwilling to let go because I help the world make sense for him - doing forms, handling social interactions, sorting financials and banks, grunt work of parenting etc. And PP are right, I have taken the leading role on this to pick up the slack, so it's kind of what I deserve....guess I'm saying I don't want that anymore so having to handle the consequences of that.

Moffa · 19/01/2019 08:18

@midcenturylegs thank you for your replies. When I say I’m detaching emotionally it’s more not reacting to him bullying me. Last night our DC didn’t want to hug him good night (unsurprising when he gets home JUST as they are going to bed, spends zero time with them but then expects a hero’s goodnight), it annoyed him & when he came downstairs he was spoiling for a fight (shouted at me that I don’t respect him etc etc), and I just ignored it and let him get on with it.

@seline I had no idea he had ASD when we married. He ‘masked’ well. His mother told me once he had Aspergers but I didn’t know what it was & they weren’t close so I didn’t listen. She died before we married & his father left to live abroad (I suspect he is also ASD). Also we lived a different life. He worked for a company & had his weekends free. He was always particular about his weekend activities but without DC we were both freer to please ourselves at the weekends. After we married he started his own company and now works 7 days a week. Honestly if I had had a crystal ball I wouldn’t have chosen this.

Hope everyone is ok Flowers

Seline · 19/01/2019 08:55

ThisWas DH is more outgoing than me but is in between introverted or extroverted. We have very similar interests and he compensates for my lack of social interest and I compensate for his sensitivity (sometimes DH puts the feelings of everyone above what is logically the best thing to do).

Both of us are awful when tired though. DH whinges about my lack of interest in social gatherings and my bluntness, I see this as being attacked for something I can't help and retaliate. In our case though I told him I was an aspie at the beginning of our relationship and have always been very open about what that means for me and what it means to be married to me. That way he could make an informed choice, which seemed fair to me. It also means that he can't ever claim he didn't know lol.

Seline · 19/01/2019 09:00

Something else I'm wondering. For those of you who are unhappy and resent your Aspie DH (no judgement sometimes we can be really annoying), and have DC who have ASD, does it make you upset that someone may someday be thinking this way about your DC?

My eldest son is most likely also an aspie and I'd be lying if I said it doesn't break my heart a little bit to know people may say these things.

QueenieInFrance · 19/01/2019 16:52

Something else I'm wondering. For those of you who are unhappy and resent your Aspie DH (no judgement sometimes we can be really annoying), and have DC who have ASD, does it make you upset that someone may someday be thinking this way about your DC?

I dont resent H as such. I just have been hurt too many times to be able to let myself come close and vulnerable with him.
dc2 is on the spectrum. I am concentrating on giving him as many tools as possible so he can cope. And I'm hoping he will someone who isnt as empathic so that he can connect with that person in his own way.
I see it the same way that lets say an introvert who likes to be at home with some peace and quiet and an extrovert who likes to have friends at home all the time, partying etc... wouldn't be compatible. Then dc2 who loves nothing more than being left on his own and hates social events would clash with someone like me who NEEDS social contacts, loves change and connexion. Or rather, I know that person would suffer if they don't have boundaries strong enough to say 'actually Im not going to accept that'.

For me, its not about autism. its about a lack of compatibility on what makes you happy and fulfilled in life. Its about vulnerability and how it can be incompatible with alexithymia.

QueenieInFrance · 19/01/2019 16:55

Seline I would keeping mind that on this thread, you hear about people who are struggling. The ones who aren't (like a good friend of mine who is in the spectrum and has a nice relationship with her DH) wouldn't come on here.
Not all people with autism are struggling in their relationship I don't think.
Its a particular mix that I think is particularly hard to make workable.

QueenieInFrance · 19/01/2019 17:04

Also re why am I married to an aspi.

I didn't know. H had no idea either when we met. it became clear only years down the line.
this was in part because it wasn't that obvious when we first met.
We had a long distance relationship.
And as a foreigner here, I put a lot fo the issue we have under the 'things are done differently in the uk' so I tried hard to be understanding, non judgemental etc....
I actually needed the calm and feeling of stability he was giving. Only later on did I realise what it actually was (set in his ways, didn't like change, has to be right...)
Add to that the fact I tend to be rescuer too and never put myself first.

So plenty of reasons why I was attracted to him and didn't see what was going on.

zippyswife · 19/01/2019 17:24

Place marking for now. I’ve just come across this and think I’m in the same position. Do much of this is ringing true for me sadly. How could I not have seen this years ago. Will have a proper read. Flowers to all

ChangerOfNameAspieThread · 19/01/2019 17:56

@Seline if you've read this and the first thread, you'll realise that the problem isn't the partner has Aspergers, the problem is that none of us knew, including our partners. If you read the threads you'll see why this combination causes a problem.

And your second "Devil's advocate" question, hopefully your last - we're here because we don't have understanding in RL from our partners, we're not here to educate people with Aspergers, unless they want to read all the threads first. So your second question, which has been posed before is pretty redundant. There is little chance of us having children with Aspergers who are not diagnosed. Children with Aspergers growing up today, as has been previously pointed out, are diagnosed. Therefore they cannot get to adulthood without some idea that other people view the world differently to them. The existence of that information alone, as they develop, will make all the difference. Never mind being able to tell their future partners that they will understand each other and some aspects of life very very differently from the get go, will mean they're not in this situation.

It's not Aspergers we resent, it's tears of dealing with an unknown entity that places us always in the wrong.

OP posts: