Hi everyone. Had a bit of a break because while I find these threads reassuring that this isn't just me (although I wouldn't wish this on anyone), they are also confronting sometimes. In order to deal with DH without getting hurt, I have to shut myself down, make myself numb. When I read the threads there are bits that remind me of things I deal with (like walking too fast and not waiting for me, not responding to me in pain etc) that I temporarily forget and are brought back.
Theory on spotting an abuser vs partner with Aspergers
On here and other threads there's often confusion (well, to be fair, less confusion here) about whether a partner is abusive or has Aspergers. I've been thinking about this and I'm not sure if others agree - I'd be interested to hear - but I think a quick way to tell is not the hurtful actions but the remorse. If someone is manipulating you, they'll often have grandiose displays of remorse. Everything will become wonderful, he'll be sweet and loving again and then will at some point snap. And the pattern will repeat. Partners with Aspergers wouldn't tend to do those grandiose displays because there's no need. The controlling side of Aspergers is focussed on keeping their world safe, not a power play specific to keeping us small or on the back foot. The result on us may be similar, but to tell if it's intentional abuse, I think how remorse is displayed or not may be a key.
Having Aspergers tends to mean people can't fake things, or not the grandiose ways that intentional abusers can. They couldn't change from being horribly mean to affectionate and sweet and loving in minutes. Profuse apologies and promises to change don't seem to crop up in our discussions here.
Masking could be seen as manipulative, but is something that I think happens without the Aspergers partner's full a) intention or b) awareness. I don't think it's a case of "I'm going to appear affectionate until I get married to her then job's done and I can ignore her". It's not manipulative, because it's not a game, its not a plan, it's not like a "player" with a game plan for "scoring". And I think many of us sensed our partners weren't like that, which we found an attractive quality.
I think instead of grandiose shows of remorse, we tend (from these threads) to see:
a) denial they've done anything wrong
b) confusion and lack of understanding of what we're talking about when we try to explain it
c) when our partners do understand and feel bad it's very obvious, but there's an element of not quite knowing what to do (unless there's a script if "buy chocolates" etc) - similar to the way a child realises they've done something wrong but doesn't know how to make it better.
d) they're may be some remorseful action but it would be small/moderate/practical. Nothing overly large or public and no giant promises.
I realise there's some generalisation going on here, although I've tried to avoid it. But there are traits amongst groups of people (hence diagnoses). I'm merely trying to use the experiences from over 2000 posts to find a quick way to a) help people understand their own situation and b) cut the crap when elsewhere someone posts about an emotionally abusive partner and people reply with "It sounds like my friend's sister's husband who has Aspergers". Nope, he's an abusive asshole!
The impact on us may be similar to being in a long term emotionally abusive situation, but that's a different issue. One thing at a time!