Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

wow

There are lots of things I would like to write but I’m not sure there is any point!

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend

You’re right moffa, there’s no point.

Having a good weekend so far thanks, have been out on my own all day at my little volunteering job.
Now home, making a fuss of the dog!

Carry on posting, Moffa. Everyone except the person involved can see what is happening...

Er... what happened?! no idea. Hope all is well with you all at the weekend. Saturday night and I’m writing job applications to get more financial independence.

Not sure why I’m responding, but the sense of self comment was just offering warmth and sympathy to hedgehog who had been ignored by her parents.

The support and advice on this thread should be to seek help with the NHS, with reputable MH professionals to identify the issues for both partners and for therapy with the appropriately suitable therapists

I have posted on this thread under many different names (I keep changing my username).
I have to say that say comment made me lol.
Not because it's wrong. In the best world, that's what would happen. But in the UK, now? not a chance.
To be referred within the NHS takes years for an ASD assessment. There is no counselor that are specialized in autism for couples in an NT/ASD situation. Actually, there are very few people who are trained in supporting couples in NT/AS relationship and supporting them on a MH pov altogether.
And that's before the fact that many undiagnosed ASD person will refuse to go and be assessed because they dont see themselves as different or having 'an issue' (if that's the right word for it).

so yes a reasonable comment but totally unrealistic in my experience.
which then means, you have to sort things out on your own. figure out what works better or not. Investigate what ASD means, what you can accept or not, what is one being an Arse or one being autistic.

Im quite happy to say i probably got it wrong sometimes. I refuse to be told i got it wrong because I somehow tried to make sense of a situation, tried to make it work for both of us. Tried to help and support H (often to my own detriment). whilst he stubbornly refused to accept for about 20 years that there was anything wrong in his behavior. 20 years to finally accept that yes there is something unusual in his reactions. 20 years of bearing the brunt of the consequences of him not knowing and/or not accepting. it's a long time....
So now, 20 years on, H is saying that actually yes, he is probably on the spectrum. I suspect he would be open to go and have an assessment (privately. Its not going to be done on the NHS. Lets be honest here).
But me? Im not interested anymore. I have given all I had and there is nothing left.
So don't tell me I am wrong because i have 'diagnosed' him and actually I know nothing about ASD and it should be left to professionals.

I have done my best. I have given that relationship the best shot I could with what I had. Not with what I should have had to support me and H. If starting from the pov that H is on the spectrum is what helped, then that's what it helped. That is and has always been the most important part.

Sorry I didnt realize my post was so long

Madaboutwands - to you. Well done for doing your best for 20 years. Are you leaving? Have you already left? Do you have DC who live with you?

We seem to be in a ‘fine’ phase. I suspect it’s because I’m not asking anything of him socially. I don’t react or ask any questions. I’ve just got my head down. I don’t feel like I’m going crazy now because I understand his behaviour better and I can see it.

It’s fine @mad, many valid points.

I personally think that happy healthy family units are so important, for us, for our kids, that being able to express concerns and get support is critical. Being honest about our experiences. I think anyone shouldering more of a burden in a marriage needs support and validation too.

This could be for so many reasons, if our partner were very ill, had a mental health problem, had a toxic family. Or if they have asd traits that are causing big problems. Not everyone does, thank goodness, I hope my DS can form balanced and healthy connections. Sometimes one person does end up drowning and propping things up. I know I do. I prop up my family and did prop up my relationship. It doesn’t make me feel righteous at all. I feel quite crushed that DP doesn’t feel our relationship is worth fighting for.

I have done all the work trying to save my relationship. I had to drag DP to counseling. She listened to us and with relief validated my experiences, I though I was going crazy. DP was very defensive so we got nowhere. The counselor said that he needed to get professional counseling for particular behaviours, or we would have no chance, and unfortunately he never did.

Madaboutwands

Applying your logic, you would let someone who had read a few books on cancer, diagnose you with cancer?

Or diabetes
Or schizophrenia
Or CPOD

Etc etc

Because that is what you are saying - read a few books and you’ll be able to diagnose autism.

It does not work that way. It is a huge insult to the extensively trained professionals who do diagnose.

Yes it is hard - but not impossible as you state - to get an NHS (I got one myself). But the absence of the professional does not mean the amateur can fill in. ESPECIALLY if it is a partner assessing another partner - as there all objectivity will disappear.

But to quote another poster . I know this falls on deaf ears.

for madabout

Moffa good to hear things are fine. Things fine at the moment here mostly. This is largely due to this thread. Just saying.

I struggle with intense outbursts from DH that make me feel rubbish but there are fewer of them than there were.

Also we have been dealing with school refusing DC which has been bloody awful.

We seem to be in a ‘fine’ phase. I suspect it’s because I’m not asking anything of him socially. I don’t react or ask any questions. I’ve just got my head down. I don’t feel like I’m going crazy now because I understand his behaviour better and I can see it. sounds like you are beginning to find an inner peace? Or is it confusing as you are leaving?

@heather what has changed to promote fewer outbursts?

Pina - it’s massively confusing. I feel guilty & sad. I know I need counselling to talk freely & openly about everything that has happened to try & get clarity and hopefully some closure.

I think there are many ways I am lucky. I have 2 gorgeous DC who make me so happy. I have a wonderful & supportive family who I can lean on. I have maintained quite a lot of my beautiful friendships (as I socialise by myself all the time) and finally I have always maintained my own income. These factors intertwined give me life, freedom & opportunities. I don’t want to give away another 10 years of my life to a man who’s sole focus is working, who refuses to socialise, who never even hugs me. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. My heart races when I think about it, I get headaches, mouth ulcers and adrenaline rushes. I’m sad that my children won’t have a family unit (although I’m certain we will be happier) and I’m sad that I don’t have the soul mate I thought I had found when we married. It’s hard, and of course multi- faceted. But I read the posts from spouses who have stayed and I don’t want that to be me.

I wish I could wake up when it’s all over. I don’t want to hurt him.

@MadAboutWands you've just articulated how I feel. Except I'm 40 years in with DH, and 20 year on with DD.
And I am so very very exhausted by it all. I've done my very best, I love my DH and spent 20 years helping him, then when we had a DD I did my very best to help both of them.
And I'm exhausted. And Im done now.

How much of my life do I have to sacrifice to people with ASC? Just because I'm AT and they are NT? Where do we draw the line? Why does my life and my experience count for less? Because that's how it feels.

Pina blimey loads of small things adding up:

The idea of intent
Realising lots of behaviour is driven by anxiety
Texting news in real time and just texting to give time for processing before we talk about stuff
Not saying when the cleaner is coming

After watching the videos on the Different Together website I am:

Meeting up with friends more on my own
Doing highly social hobbies without DH

We now have separate duvets which has lessened thrashing about and also reduced impact on me.

He is a bit less stressed and even smiles when I say he can tell me one more thing today about his current special interest.

As I have said before, all ideas from this thread so thank you.

Sorry 40 years in with DH and 20 with DD. I can't count as I'm so tired.

Sorry Sovery and moffa. My upbeatish post crossposted with your exhausted ones.

That's OK! I'm glad to see other people having better lives, tbh

Watching a trashy Sci fi movie ontv with both of them, not my choice but we are a watching it all in one room and it's a few hours of not stress/calm so Im ok about it tbh

I've got another thread about the whole process so don't want to repeat myseld here, but dh and I agreed to separate this evening. He is a lovely, kind, generous, intelligent, hard working person. And an amazing father. But my need to feel loved is one he just isn't ever going to be able to meet and I can't cope with that. It's no one's fault - but it is fundamentally a large part to do with his autism (diagnosed). He just can't respond or empathise/mentalise in the way I need. It's shit but it is what it is and we'll do our best to put the kids first

Sorry, its been a (yet another) very long and trying day. Sorry I posted wrong stuff. Hope I don't get pulled to bits by certain posters about it. I've explaned, said I was tired and misposted, hope I don't get a load of disection, despite my post to explain.

Misty9

@heather I like the separat duvets idea! I also has to chuckle at the not telling when the cleaners coming. Very practical things but it sounds like it helps. How do you think the next year will pan out?

@moffa you sound very capable, and so glad you have supportive friends and family. It must feel surreal at the moment. And a bit heartbreaking.

@sovereign no your life doesn’t count for less. Carrying the relationship has a limit and you sound exhausted. Although my DP wouldn’t see it that way, maybe we are ill matched and he just needs someone else? That is what he often says. However I do struggle to see how anyone could be in a relationship and never do anything socially with them and hug them only when they are about to walk out.