Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

Hi Moffa

Weekends are tough. Hope things get better for you. Do feel free to share if you think it'll help.

GaudaofEda I am ignoring your posts and I suggest others do the same.

Hi all. I posted last night for the first time and didn't introduce myself after lurking from the beginning! I've been married for thirty plus years to a man with undiagnosed hfa and we have older children, only one of whom is at home.

It's been a hard road at times. He has learned to cope with lessons learned as a young man growing up in a typical working class household during the seventies, and finds it near impossible to let go of this way of thinking. It is incredibly frustrating as many of those stereotypes are of women (so me!) and don't fit with the world we live in now.

It has been hard to accept that he has no hopes, dreams, family plans. No banter (yesterday he came out to the car as I pulled up and said 'the lights are on!' to which I automatically replied Robert Palmer style, 'but you're not home!' and he looked puzzled and said 'what are you on about? I'm here' ) I'm always fascinated by couples who talk to each other and exchange and listen. Most of the time he blanks me and doesn't appear to even hear me.

I've been really close to leaving but have recently decided to accept him as he is. He is never going to be a great husband or father, and none of us could ever rely on him for anything emotionally (he is absolutely appalling in a crisis) but he is a good man who loves his family and on a practical level, he offers me safety and financial security so I will take that and look to friends and family for the other stuff.

I toatally sympathise Moffa about weekends and am also not engaging with a certain poster.

Welcome Polly.

Bad week here too. One of DCs has been school refusing this week. I feel like I have to deal with DC’s school anxiety plus DH’s anxiety about the school anxiety. It’s awful.

I have been using a tip from the thread and texting DH with updates in real time. Otherwise we get into a bloody awful mess where DH objects to the time I choose to tell him something, usually just as he is winding down a bit which means it is quiet and we have chance to talk.

Obviously I can’t always judge what he is going to find anxiety provoking so I might get an angry response to something I thought was just more of the same. As I say I can now see he is trying to get his anxiety level down to somewhere where he can function but it is bloody wearing.

The biggest prejudice my bright, articulate D.C. face is people expecting them to behave NT all the time even when they know about their disability. Me knowing, accommodating and anticipating their disabilities is not prejudice.

I want to apologise if I've offended anyone with my late night, depression fuelled post last night. Ivecasked for it to be deleted.

Sometimes the total lack of empathy, comfort and emotional support during my 25 year old relationship catches up with me. Especially when throughout that relationship he has consistently made out that I'm the one with issues, over sensitive, depressed my whole life to the degree that at times I've seriously doubted my own sanity, my own personality and nature.

I agree with another OP about intent. It's not coming from a place of maliciousness and that's for me what makes it so hard to deal with. It comes from incomprehension and deficits in empathy. But it's still been devastating to me. A while ago, when I was suffering with depression and particularly low, I asked him if he thought I'd been depressed my whole life (cos that's all I could remember through the depression glasses) and he said yes. It still troubles me. I know it's the ASD talking but I struggle to comprehend how someone who loves me would say that (and say and do a lot worse, but too outing to describe).

We have separated because i find being on my own is less stressful and upsetting than being around him and experiencing his ASD issues daily. And because his until recently undiagnosed Bipolar has been very traumatic.

This thread has been immeasurably helpful in helping me see that he is on the ASD spectrum and that I'm not alone in how tough I find it.

Polly totally get what you say about Banter. When I have with brothers and male friends and it makes me realise how much I miss it.

moffa

colouring

Heather totally here you re DC. My dd is on the spectrum and her massive anxiety and the stress she experiences at a large secondary school means she never wants to go to school and she's frequently sobbing. People expect her to behave like an NT child.

@moffa I agree that the weekends are especially difficult. A lot of walking on eggshells. Trying to take some comfort in that this may not be forever.

@Peachy2019 eggshells here too. Also taking comfort in leaving some time soon too.

Hi everyone,

Thanks peachy2019 and colouring.

Eggshells here too. He refused to speak to me at all last night. I don’t know if it was because the DC and I had been away or he had had a long day at work. He just wouldn’t reply to anything. bangs head against brick wall

Then he claimed he wanted some family time in the afternoon today but wanted to watch the rugby (not a great activity for a 4 and a 1 year old).

I had a lovely time with my friend and now I feel like I’ve got the black cloak weighing me down again.

On the positive side, my GP referral for specialist counselling has come through at a psychotherapy centre so I can call them tomorrow to book. I’m really looking forward to being able to talk to someone totally openly about the last 8 years, the resulting state of my mental health and how to navigate my future because even if I leave we will always be tied by our children.

Hope you’ve all had lovely/not too stressful weekends

Moffa that sounds like a really good referral, really hope the counselling helps - I'm sure it will.

@polly your story resonates strongly with me - I too am just in acceptance phase

I too am ignoring certain poster

DH works in a very "autistic friendly' work environment but a recent project has seen him mixing with more NT men and women (who may or may not be on the spectrum but certainly mask it).
He's currently a different DH - thoughtful, more considerate. It's like he's found the inspiration for middle aged marriage. I fucking hope it continues.

Hi everyone. I’ve read the posts from over the weekend but not fully caught up before that. Seems we’ve had another guest poster... It does get boring.

My partner has broken me. I don’t cry often these days (years of training from crying because I was so upset just to be met with a stoney face and to be told I’m being ridiculous). But last weekend and this weekend I’ve had crying bursts when I just can’t stop. It’s scared me to be honest.

He’s now telling me he doesn’t think he has Aspergers. While telling me a ton of things that are absolutely classic Aspergers.

Oh, and he tells me he’s been observing social nuances, emotions etc. Which is funny because there’s been absolutely no change in his behaviour at all and all the evidence points to him being extremely short-sighted when it comes to those two things, if not blind.

As an example, we’ve had builders here too and his nitpicking almost caused a fight between him and one of the carpenters. It wasn’t until the guy’s shoulders raised and his face started going red that he noticed. Later he said “I don’t think he likes talking to me.” He didn’t even realise the guy was trying hard to contain himself. Interesting to me was that the nitpicking he did to the carpenter - two mornings in a row - is what he does to me daily.

It’s coming up the two year anniversary of when I ended our marriage. If it weren’t for visa problems due to brexit, we’d not be needing to share a house. And there’s no real end in sight.

And @Moffa (and others), I too dread weekends. They ruin Fridays too.

@changer does that mean divorce is in sight? I have to tell my H how to treat his employees. One in particular is young & new (but important in the role) and I told H to understand this chap wouldn’t know everything and to give him time. 3 months later and he has handed his notice in. When I asked H why he just mumbles that he is young and can’t handle the pace

Last night our 1 year old (who is ill) was awake and I was trying to settle him in my bed & H got up & stalked off to the spare room declaring he needs sleep. I was grateful!

I’m going on holiday with the DC on Friday for 10 days - I literally cannot wait!

Happy Monday everyone

Hi everyone! Hi colouring, heather, ivor, middle age, peachy, polygyny, twom.

It’s been a busy weekend on these boards and in real life, some positive (glad you got away @moffa), me too! Lovely weekend with a gay male friend, I got complimented a lot by his group, ‘love your dress, love your energy, love your hair’ it was fabulous! DP has rarely boosted me like this, tends to be very factual and says who is the best looking woman (which is usually a younger, prettier person!). I loved it. I needed it!

for you @changeofname you sound like you’ve been depressing your own feelings and they’ve come spilling out. It must be very hard sharing a house still. The nit picking sounds wearing - is there any way to reduce this? Avoid certain times? I totally avoid DP in the morning for this very reason, he also totally stresses out DS in the morning and it’s nearly resulted in school refusals... now it’s fine phew.

DP does have a very hard time accommodating his autistic son. That’s a pretty big issue. It has got better, with a lot of work from me and broke us up really. He sees him only in his viewpoint.

Hi @Moffa and @PinaColada1

The nitpicking I usually blank out. But it's been impossible because it has been starting the minute he gets in the house. Almost literally that minute some days. I've told him but he doesn't care that much (it's not a problem for him!).

No divorce in sight. If it weren't for Brexit it'd have happened by now. I've now started proceedings for another nationality, because what with Windrush, it's the only document that will give me security long term. And allow me to vote (I can't vote in the U.K. or where I live). So I'm trying to hold onto those things. But I've been told to expect two years for the passport to come.... I have to find a way to keep going.

I cried all the way home after dropping the kids off today. Real sobbing. A neighbour passed as I opened my door and said Hi. I rushed a hi back and came inside quickly. I didn't want her to see me. But part of me did. I want people to know what it does to someone when they're not seen. Consistently. For years. By someone who is lovely.

Anyway, decided to go for a massage today and that helped. Booked another in two weeks. I've not had one for months and I think I'd forgotten how much good they do me.

Moffa 10 days with the kids sounds great! I hope you have a wonderful time!

Oh changer I’m so sorry although I think it’s good to cry. I cried so much a couple of weeks ago and I know I need to cry more but at the moment I’m just lost. to you. Have you spoken to any of your friends? I have spoken to 3 of my friends who I trust & who don’t know each other. It’s helping but I can’t wait for the psychotherapy to start in 2 weeks.

The counsellor I’ve been assigned is male. I don’t know why that had made me feel a bit anxious. We’ll see....

Right now I’m still planning on my April exit but I’m veering between being super sure of what I’m doing and then feeling horribly guilty. I’m going to write him a long letter as he copes better with the written word. The thought of it all is terrifying. Of course he’s being very nice right now....

I’m so glad to have this thread of support.

to all of you.

@changer my heart goes out to you. And like @moffa says...crying is a good release when all the feelings of frustration just build and build. I no longer see my tears as a sad, pathetic thing but more a necessity / sanity saver. I cry in the shower a lot.

@pina your weekend made me smile. ISN’T it lovely and invigorating when you get compliments / genuine interest from others. I lap that stuff up like a thirsty cat! I often wonder what I’ll be like in another relationship (can’t even picture it) after this, when someone pays me attention and gives me TLC. I’ll be in a permanent state of shock / elation! Tragic!

@moffa yey to your holiday and not having that nervous knot in your stomach for a while. Enjoy. Re counselling, mine is helping a lot, but also making me face some tough realities. I’ve been ‘stuck’ for so long in the same mindset and patterns so she’s helping me to dismantle that and see there is another life to be had. So scary.

I’m so sorry @changer you must need to let out some emotion. If it’s any help I’m stuck living with DP for another 2 years too. Complicated situation. However I’m luckier because he is often very pleasant and funny, so it’s bearable. I still like things in him. I just know his heart is ruthless so. I did go through a few years of roller coaster trauma, when I was more cut up that he could be so cold, but I’m very tough now.

Hi everyone, sorry to hear of all your struggles, it is tough.

My DP had an assessment a few weeks ago and now he has been called in for the results for just 30 minutes. Does that sound like it won't be a positive outcome?

We all contributed evidence, and DP's mother was adamant that there was nothing untoward during his early life (although the stories I've heard from her previously don't appear to suggest that at all). Anyhow just wondering what your experience has been. I think DP will be a bit gutted if the outcome is not positive (as for me, I'm really not sure ... there are definitely traits and I'd rather it was recognised and he receives the specialist support he needs)

Changer i feel for you. I’m stuck in a similar position for the same reasons than you.

I just wanted to vent.
This am, my back went. Struggle to move as my whole back was in spasms. H reaction? Nothing. Didn’t ask how I was, didn’t check on me. Just carried on getting ready for work.
And then, as he was putting his coat on, ask if he could do anything ELSE for me?? I mean ANYTHING ELSE?? He hadn’t done anything at all to help, not Eve;checked I was ok. I could have strangled him.
Then came to me (I was sat with my eyes closed trying to relax my back so the pain could ease off) and he clearly was just expecting me to say good bye as usual
It’s dc1 who looked after me instead and got me what I needed :(:(

That has been atvthe back of him just not listening to word I say (think several explanations as to why I need item xxx, how it’s going to be used etc... only for him to come back with the most unsuitable item that couod have been called xxx)
I’d say my back pain is basically a physical expression of my stress atm. He isnt helping at all.

Oh Queenie it’s so frustrating isn’t it?

I’m going away with the DC so tonight I had to run through the plan (for H) while I’m away. The fact we had already run through it (his food etc) TWICE already. I’m struggling to hide my annoyance. Apparently he is too busy & important to store that stuff in his brain. Arggghhhhh.

WonderK I’m sorry I can’t offer any advice. But 30 mins would be long enough to suggest various options for help hopefully. Best of luck.

Pina I can’t remember the last time I got a compliment or a hand hold or any sort of sweet affection. Your friends sound ace.

Peachy I cry when I can too. Sometimes in the car or walking the dogs. I usually feel a bit better afterwards.

Hope everyone is doing ok xx