Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

Agree about the catapult too! I like that vision!

Found this as well for anyone else who is interested:

psychcentral.com/lib/feeling-invisible-in-the-asperger-world/

I need to open up to my friends. I constantly make excuses for him being a poor husband and father. But I feel able to now I’m understanding more that it isn’t because I am unlovable but because he can’t show love in the way I need it.

Off to GP this morning - send me luck ladies! X

Moffa that article is very unsettling for me.
Not for me as such, I have made my peace with his behaviour and I’m (re)building my life wo him (emotionally - not practically yet).
But it hurt for dc1. He fact he is probably feeling invisible due to H attitude is hurting. Scrap that the fact he IS feeling invisible is hurting. I hoped that I had managed to protect him somehow.
😢😢😢

@Moffa thanks for those links.
It would be really nice to hear of a situation where a sustainable, positive change did happen. Maybe those people don't write about it? But I also find it strange to never have come across one in the years I've been looking at this. Perhaps the problem is that by the time we get to the point where we're looking online for help, it's actually too late. We're too exhausted, feel too awful, self-worth has been decimated and feelings of lovability and attractiveness reduced to such an extent that it's actually outside the capabilities of someone with Aspergers to do anything near what we need in order to feel better.

Maybe it's that that will change with the next generation, the ones who know their diagnosis upfront and can explain it: their partners won't spend years trying to make things better, they'll be able to apportion responsibility (rather than take it all on themselves - they will stand up against the idea that they're always wrong) and therefore initiate a constructive discussion earlier on. The partner with Aspergers would also be aware of their condition and - hopefully - wouldn't dismiss out of hand the emotional side of their partner. Both partners would be required to compromise, but done earlier on, would be at a much more acceptable level than by the time we're dragging ourselves through life every day, trying to feel less crap and searching for a thread like this.

@Amicrazyornot exhausted, stressed, shadow person That's me. Exactly. I feel utterly awful that my kids have not grown up in a household where there's laughter. I am so stressed by DH that I'm not fun and he's just not fun anyway. I feel stressed too that I kind of need to make up for the fun they don't get from him, but I can't even fake it anymore, it takes more energy than I have left.

DH is going away this weekend and I'm going to try and make it a really fun weekend for the kids. Not sure how, but definitely some 'rules' broken ;) In a way that's not fair to DH, but I also need a break and as I can't get time away, rule breaking, will do fine!

And to be fair, DH does a lot with the kids and he is very involved -cough micromanages- and takes them places they want to go, but he can't interact in a fun way with them.

Good luck @moffa
I have found a massive weight lifted since I told people how much I was struggling and was surprised how many still cared despite me having to push them away / keep at arm's length (H gets stressed around family / social events and the fall out was not worth is attending things).
Hope you all have a lovely day x

Hello,

My husband has Asperger syndrome. He has not lived in the family home for nearly four years, but he visits daily.

He was diagnosed about nine years ago, at the age of fifty. I feel the main difficulties he experiences are not directly attributable to AS but, rather, to growing up at the time when autism and neurodiversity were very misunderstood.

We have had a difficult time as a family but since my husband moved out of the home, it has been easier to support the children (who have MH issues) and support my husband, without clashes that escalate challenging behaviour.

I am glad I found this thread.

Hi @blubberhouse. Your set up sounds ideal to me! May I ask how he agreed to move out and also if you get any support - you say you're able to support him and the children. I'm wondering if having space from him has made a big difference to you personally?

I have just come across the term Autism Spectrum Conditions (used by Baron-Cohen). I hadn't seen that before, but I like it. It indicates:
a) Autism isn't a "disorder" (which is rather negative - or 'ablest'! - I've always had problems saying it)
b) It makes the spectrum a series of conditions, rather than a spectrum upon which a person sits. So someone could sit on the spectrum in the Aspergers category and then have a place within that.

I'm supposed to be doing something else, but then I come across these interesting things!

Hello 'Changer...',

In our case, we left it a little late before we made the changes we needed to make.

I worked full time and the commute added extra hours to the long day. My husband looked after our sons.

My eldest son has AS and his younger brother may also be on the autism spectrum (he is not diagnosed) and their behaviour could be challenging. My husband could not cope and his behaviour towards them led to Child Protection Plans.

We decided together that it would be better for all of us if my husband lived close to us, but not actually in the family home and if I worked from home and took over the role of caring for the boys.

My husband is not a bad person at all. He just had too much to cope with and I did not notice in time. I wish we had thought of the arrangement much sooner, though.

@ChangerOfNameAspieThread no one book has made a difference but lots of books have been partially helpful.

The first one DH found helpful (or properly looked at) was Counselling for Asperger Couples by Barrie Thompson. He recognised himself in some of the vignettes.

Mind you, I don't think he'd have looked at it if it hadn't been set as a therapy task by our Relate counsellor.

Hi everyone!

I’ve been referred for specialist counselling via the NHS. Probably helped by the fact that I had a break down in front of the GP!

I feel wildly vulnerable at the moment.

Queenie I’m sorry that article is unsettling for you.

Queenie, my very bright DD said to me today “dad thinks I am a failure at x subject, he will think I am stupid if I don’t make it to Oxford or Cambridge “

What a prat.

Thanksfully H has never seen Uni or Oxbridge as something to really aim for so we haven’t had that.
What we have is CONSTAnt put down and criticism. I remember the reproach in his face when dc1, who was abiut 7 or 8yo at the time, out half a teaspoon of sugar in his porridge. With a comment that was hinting he didn’t ‘deserve’ it (no idea what dc1 had done to not serve half a teaspoon of sugar tbh).
Things haven’t changed. Ther is always a hint of reproach in H voice when he is speaking to dc1. To the point that dc1 will not ask for anything for fear of being told off.
I’m reall cross at H for that.

Hey @Moffa that's great news! Really pleased for you, I hope you find a good counsellor soon.

Been a busy week at work so am just reading through the last few days of posts. My DH had a spectacular meltdown at the weekend and is only just coming out of it. No apology or remorse at how vile he was, of course. He has vaguely suggested that he may continue with the decorating this weekend (won't actually commit to it though - he is completely unable to verbally commit to anything, lest he may not be able to get out of it), which is his way of conceding that he was an arse.

I'm off to bed now (separate bedrooms, been this way for nearly a year now) to cuddle up with the cat and read Loving Mr Spock by Barbara Jacobs - my counsellor recommended it to me. Am halfway through and it's good; so much familiarity and well written. It's a very honest account of being in a relationship with an AS man, and I would recommend it to you all.

By the way @Moffa, I meant great news about the referral, not the breakdown or feeling of vulnerability! I can empathise with both of those - we have your back.

Thanks so much @shitehead - I understood!

Unfortunately I didn’t convey myself very well, I mainly sat & sobbed! But she understood that I had OTRS from my relationship & I needed a counsellor who specialises in HFA relationships.

I guess for me it’s all about processing as I am getting my ducks in a row to leave in April. I’ve started moving unessential items to my parents & clearing - amazing how much ‘stuff’ we have - although my H is a bit of a hoarder.

Having read some of the research I can really see the long term decline in my marriage. I may have said this before but prior to being married he was generally tactile & loving. Looking back there were social occasions he refused because he had a ‘cold’ but nothing major. On our wedding day the photographer asked him to kiss me for a pic & he retorted ‘I’m not doing this kissing thing all day.’ At the time I assumed he was uncomfortable with having his photo taken all day but in retrospect this WAS the start of the decline.

After our first, much longed for DC arrived after a pretty horrific birth (emergency, in theatre, via forceps etc) I hadn’t even left the recovery area when he announced he had to go home to feed the dogs. No long, delighted cuddles with his new baby. I was on a lot of drugs but remembering this is so painful. He changed 1 nappy. He has never done a baby feed. He has NEVER done bathtime.

He isn’t a good companion to me (I mainly socialise alone now) and he expects me to single handedly run the house, the DC, my job, the cars and look after him. Apparently it’s my job. He frequently belittles me in front of the children and claims I am lazy. In return he never takes me out for dinner or brings home a surprise for me. I often buy & wrap my own presents.

Holidays as a family just repeat what goes on at home. He says he needs a break and reads books for 14 hours a day while I entertain the children (which I love doing, but miss having a co-pilot).

When I think about it or write it down I don’t even know why I’m here? He brings so little to my life. I miss the man I met & fell in love with.

Sorry for the brain fart. Lots of emotional turmoil over here

Does anyone have tips for getting an adult diagnosis?

Oh @moffa I think it’s a brave and important step for you to have written it all down like that. It’s not really any form of companionship is it? Not a relationship.

Interesting and heartbreaking that there was such a change after marriage. I’ve seen on MN how abusing men get worse once there are children, and I do think this sounds like emotional neglect and abuse. Belittling you in front of the children is NOT ok, and when you split it might be work having mediation to discuss that, because you don’t want him disparaging you to the kids.

@moffa your description is heart breaking, especially having to get and wrap presents yourself. But your current attitude sounds very positive, you have a plan, you are going to counseling. Good luck!

@shitehead sorry you had a horrible weekend. That’s totally unfair in you. Yes separate bedrooms here too. Been 2 years at least!

@thisway totally agree, belittling is awful. @queenie I hope the constant put downs get better, not nice.

@changer I haven’t seen any books that aren’t mainly a description, and even the ones supposedly with tips seem not to deliver. This thread has been the most helpful for me so far!

I don’t know if anyone else has this - but one if my problems is that DP and other people in his life...
He has no friends, so any family become the go to if he wants to talk about his relationship. He will have a meltdown, blame it on me, and tell his sister, Mum etc. I’m now excluded and disliked by them all. I worry a lot about when I eventually leave and he has EOW care of DS. He can’t cope with parenting on his own, but takes DS to his family who also don’t have a clue (DS has severe ASD), and are divisive with DS who is vulnerable. It’s one reason I’m not keen to leave yet, but I can’t put my own life on hold forever! It’s a real dilemma.

Thanks all there is so much I could write.

Yes @thiswaydown I think it is 100% emotional abuse & neglect. But because of how his brain works he would never see it that way. It has hurt me so much. I’ve made excuses for him for so long, it’s like I’ve only just admitted it to my own heart.

@Pinacolada I would imagine he won’t have much time with the children when I leave. He works 7 days a week, spends very little time with them and has never looked after them on his own. I don’t think he will want to. He is not a good father. He may surprise me in which case yes mediation about how he says things would be good.

For your situation could you speak to your DP mother & sister and try and give them a more balanced view? I totally understand you want to protect DS. Presumably they understand he has ASD? How old is he?

@sakurablossoms it’s not something I know about - my H is undiagnosed (but 100% HFA) but you could look here:

www.autism.org.uk/services/diagnosis.aspx

@moffa I am so relieved that they listened to you.

I have found that I was in the mental space of thinking of leaving for about 2 years and then visualising it for a year - before I finally actually have said anything (2 weeks ago). I think he is only just really getting his head around it that I am serious & want to seperate, so I am trying to be accommodating to that.

I am finding it difficult in the fact I am hesitant to get started on things - currently sleeping in with DD when I just need to get a blow up bed for spare room etc - as I don't want to "upset" him further or be subjected to constant discussion over the "next move" where he tries to regain control. I think this is just conditioning though, I've behaved in that way so long that it just is normal to try and keep peace.

Sorry ...that was a lot for first thing.

I need a coffee.

Hugs to you all.

@amicrazy I am the same. First considered leaving in 2015. But someone said never make big decisions in the first 12 months after having a baby. I think it was probably good advice but here I am 4 years later!

What is your plan? Can you rent? Stay with family?

@moffa exactly the same - except he has said why can't I wait until they are teenagers!! He sees no issue with this at all and is acting as if it is all fine.

There is no plan atm, much to my exasperation. He won't leave, I literally cant leave - I have no savings, have been SAHM last 6 years, both our family live too far away to make it practical for his work / school, eldest son has ASD although I'm sure would be absolutely fine H is concerned about impact/fallout. Benefits have said as nothing much has changed in the home that they recommend I don't claim just yet (only if he leaves or stops contributing). Just living in an awful limbo - hiding in bath/bed in evenings!
I have said no to counselling as a couple but am open to mediation and to individual counselling. Just feels like such small baby steps to disentangle everything...almost imperceptible! At least I have made a start I suppose, that is the one thing I am holding onto!