Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

@flatpackbox yes, you do sound so strong...I’m knowwhere near that point yet. I’m consumed and bogged down by the intensity and weirdness of our home. Each time an issue arises I’m as shocked, baffled, frustrated and frightened as I was the first time I witnessed, what to me, is upsetting and impossible behaviour in what ‘should’ be a happy relationship and family. WHY can’t we be happy? WHY is everything wrong for him? What’s so bad about me and DD? It’s like my stupid brain won’t compute that I CAN’T fix this and I’ve made my own bed of misery. I guess although I’m reading and reading and trying to learn more, ultimately I’m struggling to accept that the answer is live with it or leave. I feel like I’ve massively failed everyone. to everyone who’s feeling the same, I’m sending hugs xxxxx

Sorry for the negativity. Bad morning x

Morning all. Sorry some of you are suffering so.

I’m feeling v down today. Mainly because of a big (autistic) meltdown by dc1 last night that was v physically and emotionally draining and they said horrible things to me. I was upset and angry and expressed this to DH, but unfortunately unreasonably took out some of my anger on him by saying in a text I was “furious” about how both him and DC weren’t respecting the fact they I’m currently so physically limited and in pain. This resulted in DH’s emotional shutters coming down against me. It’s so quick and ‘final’. I hate it. I have had enough of it.

Peachy it’s ok. I think all these feeling are normal. Trying to process it all here as well. What happened to the man I married? The dreams I had? How will the outcome affect my children? My life?

But I think for me being in a relationship with NO affection is the killer. Right now I get my hugs from my DC but when they have grown up and gone, what then?
I feel stronger reading @box posts. I went back & read the first post of the first thread. Box said she had been writing poetry since 2013 as she found it therapeutic. I have kept notes since 2015. It helps me to understand that I’ve been unhappy for a long time - from before the notes started. Our social life has also diminished. We didn’t get a single invite for New Year’s Eve. I was fine with that as with young DC it’s a bugger organising childcare etc but I used to get invites to everything going. I tend to socialise by myself these days. I have lots of good girlfriends and we go out for dinners. It hurts we are not included in the couples scene but I think people have given up on him.

Sending you @thiswaydown

I have forgotten about my poetry recently. Time passes so quickly, much has changed, but clearly not enough!

It is important to recognise that we are all very different and that everyone’s reaction and coping strategy within any relationship, not just those relationships touched by Aspergers, is valid.

What is right for me might not be right for someone else. I have always been an independent sort and am fortunate enough to be in a position to go it alone without too much impact on my circumstances. Settling is not right for me and I decided that I want out of my marriage last year.

Great if that makes someone look at their situation and make a change for them, but not so great if you think box has got it all together why the heck can’t I do the same.

It isn’t that easy, and I still have the odd moment, more often than not when I wake up in the morning and have forgotten about the strife, when I am overcome by a wave of something that feels like panic.

Be kind to yourself Peachy.

How’s everyone doing?

H is out tonight so I’m watching NTA’s in peace. Obviously it’s lovely tonight - but I’m guessing it would be lonely night after night.

@thisway I’m sorry that sounds very draining. Meltdowns make me feel like I’ve been through every emotion myself and afterwards I feel utterly empty. I understand the backlash too. You got assaulted in a way ( I know the meltdowns are not in a kids control) - and whilst physically low yourself, that must have been horrible. Yet you were probably giving at the time. So then you had to find an outlet to get your emotions out too, but DH would not understand. Texts can get escalated too I find.

If it makes any difference, I understand! You need someone to just look after you too.

I wonder if sending another text to DH, saying sorry, sometimes you just need a big hug would help?

My DP gets furious and defensive if I show desperation / anger / upset. Yet if I show vulnerability and then ask specifically for a hug or something very concrete, he does it. I don’t know if your DH responds like that?

@peachy I get those feelings. Although you can’t fix it, there may be ways to get the balance better? How does your DP respond more positively? What can’t you change?

@moffa it’s been over a month since me and DP did anything together! Even watch tv. He basically tells me the relationship is over so I don’t expect anything.

And then, suddenly, when he feels I’m actualizing plans to leave, he pulls me back. Last weekend he hugged me, and was very affectionate (first time in a month he’s shown any physical contact), and then started telling me that we love each other.

Since then, nothing again.

Madness!

Christ Pinacolada how do you cope with that?

My H seems to think everything is fine. It’s all fine for him.

I’m clearing out the house, so when it comes to packing up it will be easier.

GP tomorrow so hopefully I can get the ball rolling on counselling.

I’ve been reading a lot and I feel I need to protect myself & my DC. It’s going to be hard and lonely but I hope finding my way through will lead to greater happiness in the end. Long road ahead.

@midcenturylegs how are you doing?

Someone once said to me, here on mn I think, start with your own and your kids happiness. Do everything around that. It’s great advice. It took me a while, but I’d say I do now 90% put ourselves first and it helps massively.

DP is a bit stereotypical in some ways, really intelligent, works high up in IT, amazing at his job, has no friends, hates small talk, emotionally ruthless.

I decided to stay two more years in this house and area, for my kids education and security. Then I’m moving back to my own area. It’s a long story but on balance it’s better, I’ve asked DP to leave which he’s promised to do several times but he won’t. So I’m stuck living with him and am going to try and make the best of it.

I don’t know if this helps you moffa or anyone, to cope day to day, I’m reading these threads as I’m new to them and lots of great advice / familiar stories! That helps. I...

• have a strong friendship network.
• have projects on the go that I often do in the evenings too.
• spend at least a weekend away a month with kids with friends or family. Keeps me sane and I can have conversations!
• do a lot of Mumsnet etc as it is speaking to others
• quite protective of my kids. He can be great but also very distant or dismissive. Or think he’s right. I save my fights for important issues e.g. health and kids. DP now just defers to me. I’d much rather be collaborative but he won’t, ignores big issues, e.g. very very cross and dismissive of me when I thought our child had ASD. I had to basically arrange all appointments without telling him in the end.
• use DP more for what he likes to do and is good at. It felt wrong but DP likes to help practically. He likes clear roles. He loves clearing up! He wants to feel that he’s a good family man.
• I have really low expectations. Like ridiculously low. I got no birthday card, he doesn’t come on any holidays.

I will write properly tomorrow as I’ve banned myself from doing much MNetting today as I have a big work deadline. I just wanted to check in say @PinaColada1 thank you so much for the empathy and the brilliant advice to me and everyone else.

Hey all.
Just checking in. I hope everyone is okay. I do read all of your posts and they all make me feel like crying! I don't want to say too much because I'll generalise and potentially be a bit negative.
Thanks @moffa for your concern... I'm fine. You know my situation - it's certainly still having an impact on me but with counselling I'm getting better (I think).

If you ever want to talk, then DM me.

pinacolada I have a very similar approach than you.
I, too, have a long term plan to leave but not in a few years. In part because this would create havoc in the dcs education (GCSE and A level time). In part because being an EU citizen, I’m ensuring that I have all the cards in my hand I can to be sure i will stay in the uk until my youngest is at Uni.

And YY about living separate life.
I am relying a lot on my parents (my only family here) for abreath of fresh air Nd some conversation. They are leaving soon, back to France so I’m worried about the impact it will have on me.

@ThisWayDown @PinaColada1 and basically all of us - what a crappy week this is! I sometimes daydream about the time where all the energy I spend on dealing with DH's emotional vacuum and social blindness is spent on the things I want to do. It almost feels like I'm being dragged further and further down and when the day comes where I'm divorced (and recovered), I'll discover it's actually a catapult and I'll be flung back out into spending my energy on living, engaging with the world, rather than trying to survive, trying to keep my kids' emotional development on track and smiling, because most people wouldn't understand anyway. I'm seen as very lucky for having a hands-on father who is also a high earner. I know there's an aspect of that which I'm AM lucky for, but the cost to me is incalculable.

This week we have a carpenter making some things in the house. He's so stressed when DH starts complaining about things, he almost gets aggressive! DH has actually realised the guy doesn't like it when he starts interfering! And of course, guess who has to smooth it all over!!!

Hi everyone!

Thanks @Pinacolada for the great post - definitely all things I’m trying to do as well.

@midcenturylegs I’m sure you’ve already read this but found this quite interesting. I know H will have a long term effect on me. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a relationship again. It doesn’t surprise me that the ASD/NT divorce rate is high & the ongoing effects on the NT are unending.

www.theneurotypical.com/aspergers_and_divorce.html

Crossed posts @changer! When will you leave? X

@queenie that’s very like me, I’m also in another country because of DP. Also waiting to put eldest in uni etc. It’s nice to see I’m not the only one with a long term plan! I would never have thought I’d compromise this much or give up that romantic dream. But there you have it!

@changer thanks so much for this thread. You strike a vivid image, catapulting back into life! I have mini glimpses of this, my last was a weekend friend reunion. I remembered the old me! It was wonderful.

@midcenturylegs I second that and moffa too, the long term effect. Glad you are having counseling. Being good to yourself.

I’ve been reading a lot of the articles on ASD/NT marriages tonight and my heart is literally racing!

So many things to connect with, the lack of birthday celebrations for me etc. It’s like someone got in my brain and found all the things that have happened.

@pinacolada I so want to find the old me. I want to laugh and joke and totally relax. I’ve realised I don’t do that at home.

Huge bunches of to all of us xx

@pinacolada1 & @moffa - thank you so much for that link. It makes me and what I am going through feel completely validated.
Which is obviously for us all very much an issue as it doesn't happen often.
@moffa - you will be ok. You will find an incredibly surprising amount of resource within yourself push through to the end of the tunnel x

I'm putting together the list of resources that have come up in the threads so far. I'm wondering if anybody has read a book that has made a massive difference in their lives, in the level of saving their marriage/relationship?

From what I can see (and my own experience too) the resources are all good for explaining the situation we find ourselves in and unpicking both how we arrived here as well as daily situations. None, however, seem to have been transformational. My guess is because this depends on the Aspergers partner actually getting on board with changes that need to be made, which seems to rarely happen over the longer term - if at all.

Do you agree? Or if you've had an experience with a book (I'm specifically looking at books right now) that has transformed your relationship for both of you, what was the book!

Hi Changer,

I haven’t read any articles or anecdotes where a relationship transformation has occurred. I think coping strategies can help and for some couples counselling is helpful. There are some great articles written by Sarah Swenson who specialises in ASD/NT relationships:

www.swensoncounseling.com/ArticlesIHaveWritten.en.html

And this:

www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/partners/comfort.aspx

Just popping in to say still following and think you ladies are all marvellous

We are still stuck in limbo - I am procrastinating as I am so conditioned to keep the peace it is stopping me moving forward. Had a chat with my aunt last night and she has wobbled my head a bit - so hoping today will be a bit more positive.
@changer your last post about the catapult is so vivid. It is my goal to find some semblance of me again, I MISS the old me so much. I grieve for her. I want my kids to know that person, not this exhausted, stressed, shadow person.