Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here! (Thread 3)

[ChangerOfNameAspieThread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Some resources from the threads so far:
www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html
www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra/
I've probably missed some, but will try to gather them later and put in a comment for the next thread!

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

@thiswaydown yes we used to have good times together. He isn’t good with children & ours are both pre school age. Yesterday when we went out we all did an activity. I sent some photos to friends & they all replied with variations of ‘I never thought I’d see the day’!

@pinacolada1 yes I think I just need to focus on me & the kids. I’m hoping some counselling will help me see the wood for the trees.

I did sleep well last night. I haven’t been sleeping well lately as I’ve had so much churning over in my mind of ‘should I stay or should I go?’ Part of me feels that if I’m asking the question maybe I know the answer but it’s never that simple is it?!

Pina, my H decided that he would swing to a no compromise during our marriage, like a switch tripped and that was the new him. He was going to do exactly what he wanted to, holidays built around his sport rather than family holidays, new sexual wants (which I didn’t want so they weren’t going to happen), spending thousands without mentioning it because he thought it was justified, I could go on and on.

Moffa, I found counselling for me very helpful, after a few sessions I realised that a) he was never going to change, b) I compromised all the time, c) I constantly compensated for his behaviour, d) we were essentially separated but living in the same house, e) he was never going to care for me in the way I needed to feel cared for.

(Formerly box, the starter of the first thread).

Moffa & Amicrazy
Have just found a website called aspergerpartner.com on which I found the following regarding counselling. Don’t know if it’s written in stone, but it’s something to think about.

^What about therapy for couples?
Forget all about therapy for couples, if your spouse has AS/ASD. Couples therapy does not work when one spouse has AS/ASD. Asperger´s syndrome is a severe developmental disorder without the ability of insight into their own and others’ thoughts and feelings. Insight-based therapy, as used in normal couple therapy, is therefore useless when one spouse has AS/ASD. Your AS-spouse might immediately think that spouse therapy sounds like a good idea. Then he/she has shown “good will” and so can afterwards be left alone! But you will be left with even greater despair and frustration, when the nice words that were said and promised at the psychologist, are gone with the wind next day: along with the money for counseling.

If you need psychological counseling, find your own therapist.

If your AS/ASD partner is able to recognize his/her disability, he/she may benefit from consulting a specialist with knowledge of Asperger Syndrome. But it must be another professional other than your own therapist. The spouse who has AS/ASD can at best learn some practical ways to handle social situations. But do not expect that your AS-spouse will initiate a consultation. You will have to insist on this point. Otherwise, nothing happens^

That sounds like what wouod happened with H if I had ever dragged him to see a counsellor (never did because he looked so set in his way and unable to press what is going in in his head that I thought it wouldn’t work and wouod be a real hardship for him)

www.faaas.org/otrscp.html

Article about Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome.
What I found interesting is that the symptoms associated with it match so well how I have been feeling, including the fact that such a profound stress can have some very physical impact. I know that for me, thatbatress is at the root of my ME for example (something j’y ME consultant also acknowledged btw)

Interesting too is the idea that the partner with AS is likely to deny they are hurting people by their behaviours.

My partner has point blank refused any form of counselling, both joint or solo - even at our lowest point he insists he is happy with himself and how he is and has said he actually has more self awareness than the average person so doesn’t see how it would benefit him in any way The fact that it could benefit the family dynamic is irrelevant to him.

@flatpack it’s tough you have my sympathies. That’s so lonely for you, to basically be told your needs or wants are irrelevant. My DP does wrangle with this at least, he wants to be a ‘good guy’, however that just led to massive resentment of me as I was the barrier to this doing what he wanted, so he solves it by telling me regularly that we are finished, so that I don’t place any demands on him. Then when I plan to go he swings back.

@queenie wow that’s an interesting website. I feel like I’m in a war of attrition sometimes. I have become more resilient though. I’ve hardened which I’m not sure is good in one way, but my stress, physical health and anxiety are better.

@peachy mine too refused counseling at first. I just made the appointment and turned up. He came and first round was helpful. Second round was so awful I walked out.

@stardust yes I found this. Also all sessions were about him, and counselor trying to get him to listen to me, but he kept hogging the agenda and throwing accusations. I was in defensive mode and eventually went to counseling with him to say this is enough, I’m out of here. To which he switched, and the counselor eventually saw through and asked me - is this the cycle? In a sense it was very validating for someone else to see what I thought might be in my head.

@shitehead very interested in this specialist counseling. Do tell us what they say and advise / support?

@thiswaydown very heartened to hear that your counseling has a good start. There’s hope! And you’ve actually resolved something. That’s so good but must have taken a lot of energy and resolve on your part. Good for you. Must be so hard with child to support too.

When I had my child diagnosed and met an advocate - who sees hundreds and hundreds of couples - he said it was very common for couples to struggle and many break ups.

Thank you @flatpackbox I think what you have said is right. He isn’t going to change, I compromise all the time and I compensate for his behaviour. I guess I just need to process that through my overwrought, overwhelmed brain via a counsellor!

My parents have told me I can move in to their house whenever I like.

Thanks for all the links everyone- will try & read later on

@queenie. I just read your link and I burst into tears

And now I can’t stop crying so I’m guessing I have a lot to process!

@stardustandroses I read that article on aspergerpartner about counselling and fortunately ignored it.

Our couples counselling has been enormously helpful and was the start of real progress for us. The counsellor isn't a specialist, just a sensible generalist who has read up. We may look for more specialised help later.

Flatpackbox did you leave?

Hi all :-)
@Moffa , and @namechanger I think you've both done a great job on getting this post back on track. Well done :-)
@Moffa - so sorry that you're crying.
@friendlygal79 - did you get my DM? So sorry I missed your first one. I can't seem to work out how to get messages from the phone app, which is where I usually post from.

Moffa I’m sorry. I really didn’t want that article to be upsetting to anyone.

No don’t be sorry. I just totally related to it. I feel traumatised by my marriage. It’s shown me I really need counselling which is something I’ve thought for a while. I think I’m very mentally tough actually but I accept I need help now.

Moffa, I too am tough, straightforward, a no nonsense sort of person, I do everything here, work full time in a very responsible job, decorate, shop, cook, clean, sort out all admin, childcare, renovate and buy and sell our houses, cars, holidays etc., etc.. I won’t miss his contribution.

I have no experience of counselling and made the call because I was sick of boring my friends and family and I wanted someone unbiased to hear my story. It helped because it reinforced what everyone in my world apart from H says .... I am not the problem.

I am warm and loving with a great job, make friends everywhere I go, put myself out for people. H thinks I rant and have tantrums. I don’t. He sees me as no one else sees me. Not my problem anymore.

Did I leave - no because he is leaving, he has been leaving for months, looked at properties but he is an absolute snob and wants to rent somewhere swanky. Been away with work for almost a month at a time recently which suits me very well and I have been expecting him to leave as he has said he is doing. He even went to the EA’s office to sort out paperwork pre Christmas. Nowhere is good enough (story of his life, he thinks he is superior to everything and everyone). So, he was going before Christmas and he is still here. DD told me he was looking at rightmove again at the weekend (he has no sense of right or wrong where children are concerned). He refuses to discuss it with me at all, hopefully he has got somewhere in the bag and is waiting for someone to move out or something, he tells me it is non of my business whenever I ask.

We are living separate lives in the same house at the minute and I can’t wait for him to go when I will proceed with a quick divorce/financial settlement so I can get his name off the house and move forward.

A tiny example of how he is never wrong, this morning - me .. did you eat Dd’s food (allergy related for her)? “Do you mean the food that was going off”, but it wasn’t, it had a use by date of mid February. “Well, I thought it needed using up so I ate it”.

No apology or recognition that he should have eaten the non allergy version in the fridge. I can’t think of anyone else I know, dad, brother, brothers in law, who wouldn’t have said “oh no, did I really do that DD, I am so sorry I didn’t realise” and given her a hug.

I said as much and he walked away singing as he does whenever I challenge him.

I am counting the days (mind you they have turned into bloody months), he has no excuse, he has enough money, my dad says he is too comfortable but it is over, completely dead and buried for me.

@flatpackbox I hear you. I also work and do everything for the kids, animals, house and run my own small business. Unfortunately I will have to leave, although I wouldn’t want this house anyway. I want somewhere smaller & cosy that is really homely for my children and I. It’s funny because I think H thinks money/status is important to me but it never has been. I am very able to support myself. I work part time as the DC are young but in time I can do more and I am resourceful.

What does your DD think? How old is she? I’m hoping my kids are young enough for it to barely register. He’s never been a hands on father so while my DD may have some questions I think she will be fine.

Of course tonight again the charm has been on although we touched on counselling (he doesn’t know my plan to go alone) and I said I felt it would be a good thing. He said he doesn’t believe in counselling, he believes in counselling oneself. bangs head against brick wall

Thanks for your posts. I read your counselling points a-e out to my parents this afternoon & they nodded to all of them. I told them about the other page about ongoing trauma and how it resonated. Mum said she felt I hide it well, and still seem sunny & happy but it must be exhausting. It is

to everyone on this thread.

Almost a teenager moffa, she is aware of what’s going on. Tells me I deserve better. Struggles with him and his controlling ways which is horrid when I work late and she is alone with him.

He is very harsh on her, she is a good kid, I stick up for her constantly which causes issues. He has, in the past, said I undermine him at every turn. My response is that he is a bully and I will stick up for her forever.

He is a bully, doesn’t get away with it with me but she is a child. He would do things like confiscate her phone for not playing her instrument when he tells her to, think after dinner, he would command “ DD, time to play your instrument”, DD ... No Dad, I don’t feel like it. “Well no tech for the rest of the night then”. I would pipe up, give it a rest H, if she doesn’t feel like playing then she doesn’t have to play, it’s after dinner, I might not feel like playing (I am musical he is not), and you will not take her phone/iPad away and isolate an only child from her from all of her friends.

On and on it went, when he leaves he has said that he will pay for music tuition .... but only if she plays daily and goes to music theory club, if she does that he will pay for music and tennis but he will only pay for tennis is she continues to swim competitively.

DD is quite committed, in the youth orchestra, plays in two school orchestras, really talented. He needs to back off.

I told him to get lost. I would rather pay for it myself. Controlling swine.

His own life is quite regimented, he tries to pass that on I guess which ends up coming across very poorly indeed.

God it’s exhausting isn’t it! We have similar conversations here - he corrects DD who is 3. She doesn’t seem to like him much. Refuses hugs from him but what does he expect when he is out working over 12 hours a day?

I’ve just been reading up on the aspergerpartner page. It’s SO BLOODY HELPFUL. I wish I had found it years ago. This thread has quite possibly saved my life.

I cannot live like this but I can change my life. Send me strength please everyone!

@flatpackbox @moffa this is all sadly relatable and the issues with (teen) DD is where I struggle the most. It breaks my heart and I feel so guilty about the dysfunctional environment she has to tip toe around in. Any conversation I try to have with him to improve it (I prob have around 2 mins before shutdown) ends up with me just wanting to lie on the floor and sob. I try so, so hard to get my point (often on behalf of her) across but all he’ll see is how he’s been undermined or he’ll say that she’s trying to manipulate us and that he’s not standing for it. The home doesn’t feel a happy place where we can thrive and that makes me so sad. For her, more than me. I can’t see how I can ever make this better?

My solution for making things better was to end my marriage peachy, there was no other option for me in my relationship.

My counsellor said “you clearly have extremely fond memories of how things used to be” two sessions in. Made me reflect on the fact that the fond memories were actually from a decade ago.

I would hate DD to have such a dysfunctional existence. She deserves a better daily example of life and I deserve something much better.

Life alone will be absolutely fine once we have got over the bump in the road.

@queenie - I could have written your last post (I had to check I hadn't!)

"It made me wonder if this meant actually he WAS abusive/a twat who knew alla long he was hurting me. Or if this is again part of the Asperger.
Tbh I have no idea.
But it didn’t help our relationship, quite the opposite because, if he can do all that now, why didn’t he do it before???"

THIS has been me the last fornight since I told him I want to seperate. I was furious- if he is capable, why not before!!!

I am sticking to my guns though, whatever he is doing I have made my decision. Determined to work on myself and from recommendations will get personal counselling. He wants to do joint counselling (he says so we can have an amicable / peaceful ending) but is it worth it after terrible experience in first one?...I don't really think so...
And breathe.
to you all xx

Just checking in. It’s sad but so reassuring to hear if others in the same boat with the same challenges & experiences. I already know my home would not be a great place for the children to grow up in. It’s like a cold ice descends on the room when he marches in. My best friend said it’s like we have to wait and see what mood he is in before we can carry on chatting.

@flatpackbox you sound so strong & decisive. I’m drawing on that strength.